What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed but never have sex.


Got to love anti vaxers. Protesting about how people are trying to monitor their lives through an injection - by posting it on social media....on a mobile phone....over a WiFi network



What did Santa say when Katie Price, Meghan Markle and Lindsay Lohan arrived in Lapland?

Ho ho ho!




Apparently it takes a fifty hour walk to burn off a Christmas dinner.

Unless you're on Universal Credit of course, then ten minutes will do it.



The Welsh Labour government has announced that it will fine people who go into work, if they could have stayed at home.

Isn't that how Universal Credit is calculated?.



What's the difference between women and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into women when they drink...


There's a man in a pub with a large dog. Another man comes in and orders a pint and while he's waiting for it he says to the first man, "Mind if I pet your dog?" to which the first man replies, "Not at all. My dog is as gentle as a lamb." So the second man goes to pet the dog, which immediately barks angrily and bites him. The second man said to the first, "You just said your dog was as gentle as a lamb!" The first man replies, "Yes I did, but this isn't my dog."



Remember : A turkey isn't for life. It's for Christmas , Boxing Day , the 27 th , 28th etc...




If you want a Happy Christmas, don't Google Mary Berry Cream Pie


My wife's mother insisted I get to the shops to try and get a turkey.

"I already have a turkey for life... I fucking married it."





Fuck Driving home for Christmas , in the cold and wet.

I'd sooner spend it in Australia , On the Beach.




Autocorrect can be so embarrassing sometimes.
I just text my grandma saying that I wanted to suck a "farm" out of her arse.

[Bikkie]

Just been to the supermarket and got everything for Christmas lunch as they advertised

Well, almost everything they advertised - all I need now is a random black person to join us and we're all set




I bought some coconut moisturiser.

Waste of money. The coconuts are still rough as fuck.


Coldplay to stop making music from 2025.

I didn't realise they'd started.


Chris Martin has announced the band will not make any new albums after 2025.

I wonder if this will force Coldplay to compose some slow, sad, and depressing music. Oh, wait.






Coldplay too stop making music in 2025.

Can we have a whip round and make it a lot sooner?


Coldplay have announced they'll stop making new music in 2025

Finally, something to look forward to


Sorry kids, Coldplay are stopping making music from 2025, You'll have to find another artist to inspire you to commit suicide too.

Try Adele, she'll take up the slack.






How to lose an argument with a woman

Argue...



The AI controlling the James Webb Space Telescope, due for launch on Christmas Day, today decided it’s first search would be for Boris Johnson’s integrity.



BBC NEWS: A $10bn machine in search of the end of darkness.

Bit racist. But worth every penny



"There was dirt on your mobile, so I wiped it for you Jimmy."

"Thanks Mum."

A short while later...

"Mum, what did you do with the videos on my phone?"




I was listening to 'The Day the Music Died' earlier.

Or, 'Adele's new album', as some people like to call it.



It has been a great night he mused to himself, plenty of drink, the thrill of the chase and subsequent capture, but come the dawn it all ended in tragedy, she rose naked from his bed, silhouetted against the sunlit blinds a stirring sight, she slipped on her panties and suddenly it was all over….she really shouldn’t have spilled that bottle of lube on them.



The great thing about eating a tub of Celebrations in one go, is that with the Milky Ways, strategically spaced, you can convince yourself that you're between meals.


During sex, my wife stopped.

She said, "Honey, you are a terrible lover. You are getting on my nerves and I think we need to resolve these things before they get out of hand. Also, you smell strange, a bit stinky. A combination of faecal matter and vomit, truly awful. And you don't care about me."

I sighed and said, "Darling, are you finished?"

She said, "Yes."

I said, "Brilliant, now let's focus on my orgasm."


Heather Mills is getting remarried.

If he's a 'leg man' he maybe a little disappointed, but on the plus side, when they go shopping in Waitrose he'll have the best parking spaces.


I reckon Santa is an anti-vaxxer, a conspiracy theorist and a Trump supporter.

He's old, white and wears a red hat.



Cricket Australia have announced that, as a tribute to the England team, they have secured sponsorship of the third Ashes Test, due to start at the MCG on Boxing Day, by Domino’s.






♩♫ Driving Home for Christmas... ♫♩

Sounds more like he should be driving to the oncology department or his next song will be in a robot voice.

[Bikkie]

Happy International Men's Christmas Shopping Day



How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger.

(I'll get my coat)


I've just witnessed a robbery at the local Post office...
Fucking £36 to post three little parcels.



How can you have two parts of your body in two different US states at the same time?

Ask Prince Andrew. The rest of his body was in New York while his dick was in Virginia.





Parents:

Show your kids the true meaning of Christmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them.



My wife pointed at me and said, "Well you're definitely on the naughty list this year."
"In my defence," I replied, holding my hands up, "I was drunk and it was your sister who came on to me, not the other way round."
She stared at me for a few moments, "... I was going to say you forgot to get the sprouts."





I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right.

But I didn't know her first name was "Always".




Hey, what are you doing for Xmas this year?

Oh the usual: eating, drinking and arguing.


Heather Mills’ new husband has packed everything for their honeymoon, including champagne… ooh, and and ½ litre of Cuprinol Wood Preservative just in case.





My wife asked for Tina Turner pyjamas for Christmas.

I didn't get her the pants, simply the vest.




Christmas Eve, and I spent the morning down the shopping centre, fighting my way through the crowds.

I wasn't buying anything, I just like to get a bit of a ruck going.



I wonder if Elton has taught his kid to sing , I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus yet.



What's faster than a black kid running down the street with your TV?

His brother with your computer...


Ebenezer Scrooge goes to the doctors with an abscess up his anus.

The doctor takes one look and says to him -

"Ha! Bum-bug"




I said to my missus,

"You're impossible to buy for. "

"No I'm not, " she replied, "you know I like perfume jewellery, fine wine and stuff. "
"I know, " I answered, " I mean I'm skint. "



Isn't modern technology great?

I bought some electronic tags to attach to my valuables. If you lose them you can pinpoint where they are using your smartphone.

Anyway, I've lost my fucking smartphone.



The wife and I always share driving when we go out.

I drive there.



I was gaming online when my wife walked in and said "Right that's it, im sick of you playing these childish games, I'm leaving you" she packed her stuff and left. It was a bit of an overreaction if you ask me, it was only one of them games that make you cum in 40 seconds.



I've just seen that and Donner and Blitzen are now on eBay,
Nobody has put a bid in for them yet though;
I think its cos they're two deer...




What do you call an Arab who's into clubbing?

Sheikh Yerbouti.

(Credit: Frank Zappa)



Dark humour is like civil rights.
Not everyone gets it,
But everyone should.



Why are black guys the fastest typers in the world?

When they are trying to guess the Alarm code.



Santa knows a lot of naughty Muslims that will not be getting any presents this Xmas.




18months of Covid, millions dead and now Coldplay announce that they'll continue putting records out until 2025. Dear God, is there no end to our suffering?



I remember the moment I discovered that Santa Claus isn't real. I woke up at midnight one cold Christmas Eve to the sound of voices outside, and looking through my bedroom window I saw my parents bringing presents in from the boot of my Dad's car. A wave of hurt and disappointment hit me as I realised that my parents had lied to me all these years.

It was such a hard thing for a boy of 19 to take.



Last night my wife was complaining that I never spend any time with her and the kids any more.

So this year I'm going to make sure it's the best Christmas ever!

I'm spending it in the pub



I took a partially deaf girl back to my place last night as she was giving me all the right signs.
When I went to lick her out though, the smell from her cunt was overwhelming and, to make things worse, she had shit herself. As I grabbed my coat and made for the door she said.."what's wrong, why are you leaving?"
I replied..." You have a smelly clit miss and a crap in your rear."
She said..."Yeah, same to you but why are you leaving?"





In 1696, William lll introduced a tax which required those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy.

To avoid this, house owners would brick up all windows except six.

As the bricked-up windows prevented rooms from receiving any sunlight, this tax was known as daylight robbery.

We've bricked up so many bedrooms to leave just six open because of the bedroom tax.

[Bikkie]

Just found out Sir Anthony Hopkins is Welsh.

Certainly explains why he wanted those lambs to keep quiet.




Dear Autocorrect,
Get your shit together. I have never called anyone a can't.




Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life.

Those experts are called women...



Back in the day i didn't know 'Oral B' was a toothbrush.

I thought she was the sluttier member of the Spice girls.



It’s ironic people mock others calling them snowflakes, yet when millions of them come together and paralyze cities & towns overnight, suddenly it’s not so funny.




How can you tell if a woman is sexually excited?

She's breathing...


You can tell the size of a woman's ego by simply looking at the size of her breasts



What's the most common unanswered questions left blank on the birth certificates of black children?

"Father's Name" and "Occupational Rank of Profession" .




Q: What do a divorced partner and England's cricket team have in common?

A: Both have lost the ashes.

[Piper]

Women think about sex
every 7 seconds
But not with you....


I keep asking what LGBTQ
stands for but nobody
is giving me a straight
answer.


Heather Mills ratings
Face 6/10
Body 7/10
Legs 1/2


My wife says she's
going to go out on the
front porch and bang
on her pots and pans
to show support for the
"overwhelmed" health-care
workers.
"Great idea." I laughed,
"Its been decades since
you've put those to any
kind of decent use in the
kitchen."


To speed things up in
walk-in vaccination
centres....
The DHB has asked for
professional darts players
to volunteer...


At my old school we had
siamese twins joined at
The most embrassing
place possible and were
known by friends as the
skipping rope

[Bikkie]

"Incredible you look really fit! What's your secret?"

Petrol prices...



You know you're getting old.

When you talk to more doctors than Bar Staff...



December is the only month of the year I get much screwing done.

I have a lot of great sex with carol singers.

Because her husband Jim Singers is working overtime at the toyshop.




My favourite Madonna song has to be the one she did in tribute to the Irish

��Last night I dreamt of potatoes��




Cadbury are releasing a limited edition box of Heroes featuring David Bowie artwork. They will be available just for one day.




CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DISLIKE SMALL TALK.



Katie Price doing dry January.

Only beer and wine, then.



They say that money talks.

Well, I've got ten quid here that says it doesn't.



I was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on my breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said to me, "I see you have you been drinking?"

I replied, "Only water, officer."

The cop then asked me, "Then why can I smell wine?"

I looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."




I pulled this really fit environmentalist bird and she loved my big hard cock. But then went off me when she discovered it wasn't sustainable.




– Misunderstanding –
I excitedly opened my present on Christmas morning, the sheer delight when I saw the Gibson logo on the box, I finally got to opening it, it was empty, "What the fuck? " I yelled. "You like it? " Shouted my wife, "I got you your own Gibson air guitar, now you can really rock out. "

[Bikkie]

Went to see The Scissor Sisters unplugged tonight. It's great living next-door to two lesbians...



The Voice Kids.

Hard to believe, but it's worse than listening to that Tramadol on legs, Adele.



Jokes about sex involving musical instruments give me the horn.





Switched the TV on and there was a spooky drama: one guy walking down a dark, lonely street with everything shut down.
Or so I thought. It was actually a live cam of Edinburgh on New Year's Eve.


What's the difference between Home Alone and Jo Malone?

One is a smash hit comedy from 1990 starring Macaulay Culkin, available on DVD for a fiver in HMV. The other is a one hundred and twenty bastard quid bottle of perfume my Spanish girlfriend was trying to pronounce when I asked her what she wanted for at Christmas.



Napoleon once said, "Glory is fleeting but obscurity is forever."
Or is that something I read about previous X-Factor winners.

[Bikkie]

What do vampires drink to get drunk?


Bloodweiser


So basically when porn stars take off their clothes.

They're getting dressed for work...



I went to the barber and he asked what I'd like.

"A number two all over please. "

Fucker shit all over my head.



Well chuffed with my new Blackberry phone from EE I got today

£56 month for 3 years. Beat that iPhone users!!




Tom Cruise went to a walk-in vaccination clinic and asked for a booster. The doctor picked him up under his armpits and put him on a raised cushion.



Fairplay, the weather is shit here. It has been raining longer than Prince Charles mother and the temperature has been in the 15's nearly as much as his brother.



My predictions for Sundays first games of the African Cup of Nations:

Cameroon ���� 3 Burkina Faso ���� 0

Cape Verde ���� 8 Ethiopia ���� Didn’t



In the james bond movies when M says the pm will have my head dont cut it no more with that twat in charge




I was asked whether I was in favour of euthanasia or not.

But that`s a very difficult question to answer without more information.

Is it Pakistani males or young Thai girls?


Should Harry's son change his name to Jamny Rednapp because he's on every period of football I watch lately...



I once had one of those 'May to December' romances.

Ditched her when she asked for an expensive Christmas present.




Why are women like newspapers?

Because there are issues every day...



I keep getting random friend requests on Facebook from female Bitcoin miners.
I feel like this is the modern-day version of being a gold digger.



A recent survey out shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condoms.

These people are called Dads...




Back in the day i didn't know 'Oral B' was a toothbrush.

I thought she was the sluttier member of the Spice girls.




I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.





I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night.
Does anyone know if they’re showing highlights?





I pulled this really fit environmentalist bird and she loved my big hard cock. But then went off me when she discovered it wasn't sustainable




I like to fuck my wife up the arse when she's in boots.

The girls on the perfume counter don't seem to like it though.


They say that money talks.

Well, I've got ten quid here that says it doesn't.


Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life.

Those experts are called women...



Dear Autocorrect,
Get your shit together. I have never called anyone a can't.



You know you're getting old.

When you talk to more doctors than Bar Staff...





Cadbury are releasing a limited edition box of Heroes featuring David Bowie artwork. They will be available just for one day.




Was looking at my son's school report. It said:

"He is a talentless waste of space who offers little determination or energy, conmands absolutely no respect from his peers, and always looks to withdraw from any challenge placed in front of him"

I wiped away a tear and thought, I'm so proud. He's going to be the next England cricket captain.

The girl next door told me that her car wasn't going right and was ". . . all rattly . . ." so could I look it for her, I found the problem straight away and told her that the dipstick was bone dry which meant that it wasn't reaching the oil in the sump, 'dizzy fucking blonde' I thought.

Anyway, it turns out that her twin brother is a trainee engineer and he's sorted it out. He's welded an extra inch onto the dipstick so it reaches the oil!



If I'm ever in a photo with black and mixed race people, I stand at the end on the left of the group to show the evolution of man.








I was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on my breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said to me, "I see you have you been drinking?"

I replied, "Only water, officer."

The cop then asked me, "Then why can I smell wine?"

I looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."




Medical science says that having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory intact. I'd like to wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2013.




Tom Daley has promised to use his OBE to help promote equality for the LGBTI community.

How fitting is that? Given those 8 letters can be rearranged to form a phrase Tom hears often .....

"GOBBLE IT"


The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"




"Here are some photos of us at the nudist camp."

"I love your Thai girlfriend, she looks tiny next to you."

"Thanks but to be fair she had just been swimming in cold water."



My son is a Podcaster.

Sounds much better than my son is long term unemployed and doesn't leave his room.





Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage.

It's the first marital divorce that needed a mediator, arbitrator, and a translator...

[Piper]

Although at first delighted
Tom Daley has now turned
down his OBE.
He was disappointed
when he realised it didn't
stand for Orgasming
Bulging Erection.


A street near Buckingham
Palace is being renamed
Prince Andrew's Close.
It's not honorary.
Its a warning.


It's such a shame that a
sex bust will mean there
will be no more Duke Of
York.
It was a great local, but it
was a prossie magnet.


"X-Factor's Ray Quinn
unrecognisable after
quitting fame to become a
carpet fitter"
From riches to rags.


My boyfriend broke
up with me over a
misunderstanding. Turns
out the text message he
sent me should have said
that he was busy playing
golf and I should go ahead
and eat out 'with' his
sister.


My daughters black
boyfriend once wanted to
audition for X-Factor, and I
suggested he should sing
a mash-up of 50's and 60's
hits and such.
He said he'd rather try and
be a rapper, but I insisted
he'd have a great niche
as Jungle Bunny the
Mastermixer.


They say the one that
kills you has your name
on it. Which may be
superstition, I'm still
uneasy though.
My daughter's are called
Astra and Zeneca.

[Bikkie]

My boyfriend is constantly complaining that there isn’t enough flavour in what he’s eating, so I’ve started wiping back to front.



They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality.

Is there nothing the pervert doesn't find arousing?.




If you want to be the envy of people.

Walk through a gym eating a kebab...




John: Listen to this. Blackpool hospital is in a state of an emergency.
David: Covid?
John: No, Vending Machine's down....



DAILY MAIL: anti-vaxx campaigner and friend of Piers Corbyn hospitalised with covid. His name...

John O'Looney

This shit writes itself



Prince Andrew has at last received some good news.

He's invited to become patron of the RSPCA to honour the work his tireless team of aquatic rescuers have done to help save starving marine wildlife.

He says nothing is more rewarding than his swimmers filling up frightened, young beavers



Now thar many more men are growing beards, wild beavers is the new fashion choice for women in the know.




Okay, I agree we are not blessed with the best of political leadership these days. But I still think we need to show some formality and respect to people who are, after all, our democratically elected leaders. As they say in the army, you salute the rank and not the person.

Probably the most unpleasant example is people referring to Mr. Biden and Ms. Harris as Joe `n` the Ho`.

So please, everyone, let`s remember their positions in society and call them "The President and the Prostitute."




"Muhammad's Wedding"

The story about the prophet who married six year old Aisha.

Coming soon to the Odeon.

The SABFC (Saudi Arabian Board of Film Classification) has rated this movie not suitable for viewers under the age of 5.



Southampton FC have confirmed that a £100m takeover deal of the club has been completed by Serbian-born businessman, Dragan Solak.

He sounds like the right man to restore a bit of fire in their belly.


The perfect woman doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry.

Doesn't exist...




So if you guys in the UK start an other iconic band with a philosopher as the leadsinger....
Would it be called "the Why?"? I've been pondering about that.

[Bikkie]

Ex U.S President Donald Trump has lied over 29,500 times.


Fuck, that's nearly as many as you have to tell to claim disability allowance.



Don't worry Donald, my wife also exaggerates how many lies I tell when she is wrong 👍




Cricket Australia have agreed to field their under 8 team in the final Ashes test in order to give England a chance to avoid a whitewash


ENGLAND: Avoid humiliation in the next ashes series in Australia by not getting vaccinated.


Does life keep giving you lemons ?
Now would be a good time to find someone with paper cuts.



Scientists say singing may be just as healthy as yoga.

Lucky for Adele, she does yoga...



Darth Vader is planning on unleashing a new Covid variant that will rapidly spread all throughout the Galaxy.

It will be called the Omi-cron Kenobi variant.





I was having a crap and realised that as it plopped into the bowl, the first turd curled round to form a 'P' and the other two droppings looked like two 'Os'.

Sometimes this shit just writes itself.



Tom Daley and his new book "coming up for air"
Talk about a double entendre, I guess he thought that one up in between bites on the pillow.


70s glam rock icon, Marc Bolan, wrote a song called 'Life's A Gas'.

You can say what you like about the Jews, but you certainly can't knock their sense of humour.

[Bikkie]

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you'd think she'd remember something like that.




At a job interview the bloke asked me, "How would you describe yourself in five words?"

I thought this was a tough one.

After a minute I replied, "I'd do it by talking."



Regarding UK immigration policy, I'm in favour of a points-based system.

If there's no point to them, they can fuck off.



The ancient Egyptians didn't have ambulances, just pyramidics.



Djokovic supporters gathered to demonstrate against his Detainment.

Most are anti-vax like Djokovic.

Ironically, the science implies that some won't see him play...

Ever again.



Suggesting that Boris went to a BYOB party during lockdown is ridiculous.
He would never bring his own fucking alcohol.



whats the difference between my wife and my car?

most the lads down the pub have never even been in my car


What's the difference between my car and my wife?

My car wouldn't get upset about me wanting to replace it.



What's the difference between my car and my wife?

I don't have a problem paying other men to service my car.





I went to a casino for the first time ever and a croupier approached me and said.
"Do you fancy trying your hand in Black Jack?"
I replied"yes please Ducky,show me where he is".

oooooooh


The cost of fuel hasn't gone up.

I just put £20 in.

Same as last week.




My date asked me how many women I'd slept with.

"Would you like me to give you a rough figure?" I asked.

She said, "Um...yes, please."

"Stay very still," I replied, as I sellotaped sandpaper to her arm.


My wife bless her has stood by me for 30 years ' we've only got one chair


The secret to a successful marriage.

I will call my wife seven times a day to help her find her phone...



Will the Countess of Derby still curtsey before Prince Andrew when he next visits Knowsley Hall?

Probably safer than bowing.



My gay mate went to Northen France to shag some Coronation Street characters.

“Dunkirk?” I asked.

“Yes” he replied

“And I also did Tyrone”


I never understood why ISIS have never sold the cars they make. The sales would explode.



🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke
Your love life's DOA
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year. 🎶

Credit to Joey and Friends.



I wish I could do the FA cup draw.
I've had plenty of experience in emptying a big black sack and rolling a few balls in my hand.


I had to unfriend my Ethiopian colleague at work from Facebook as I was just so sick and tired of seeing mud made plates with NO food on them being uploaded right on my post feeds.

Before I deleted him, I retaliated by sending him a private photo from my phone consisting of a 14 piece family feast with 4 chips, 2 hot gravy's and a big bottle of Pepsi from KFC.

See how he likes it for a change.



Rolf Harris love's KFC so much.



Kinky Fuckable Children.




They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality.

Is there nothing the pervert doesn't find arousing?.

[Piper]

Have you noticed all
Adele does is complain
about relationships in her
songs?
Then all of a sudden
prescription charges go
up again.


Scientists say singing may
be just as healthy as yoga
Lucy for Adele, she does
Yoga...


I rang my mum to tell her
I'm bringing my new black
girlfriend over for the
weekend.
"Oooh, we best roll out the
red carpet then" - she said.
"No mum don't be daft" - I
said. "Just some bananas
and fried chicken will be
fine."



Throughout my life I
have been surrounded by
women of good virtue.
Unfortunately the naughty
sluts tend to avoid me.


Statistically, women are
more likely to fall for a
scam.. In other painfully obvious
news, men are more likely
to stand up while having a
piss.


What's the difference
between my car and my
wife?
I get to ride my car
whenever I want.


What's the difference
between my car and my
wife?
I can get my car to be
silent.



Difference between my
wife and my car?
Before we married I
thought she was a
Triumph.


My wife and my car?
She started as a mini,
became a maxi, is now a
Roller.
Have I missed any?


What’s the difference
between my car and my
wife?
My car never pushes its
luck when I put my foot
down.


They say the streets of
London are paved with
gold.
That'd explain the fucking
council Tax bills there,
Anyway.


By the time Terminator 10. comes out.
Arnold may actually have
rusty parts...


What's the difference
between Djokovic and
Raducanu?....
I'd like to spend the
weekend isolated in a
hotel room with Emma.


Novak Djokovic is the
first player to be knocked
out of a grand slam after
missing only 2 shots.


I also wouldn't mind
being isolated with Emma
Raducanu.
Unlike Novak, I know she's
not afraid of a little prick.


Signing up for life
insurance and I was
informed that it came with
a free will kit, I turned it
down.


My favourite Australian
saying :
"My husband's home but
it'll take him 10 minutes to
get the key in the door.
Fuck me again."


You can now buy
powdered alcohol, for
smuggling into places
where booze is prohibited.
Because doormen are far
more likely to let you in if
they find you with a bag
of white powder than a
bottle.


My pregnant girlfriend was
rushed by ambulance to
hospital this morning.
As her trolley crashed
through the emergency
department doors, the
paramedic said, "BP is
155."
Furious, I shouted, "This
isn't the time to talk about
petrol prices."


The new Pamela
Anderson movie will have
shocks and revelations
But they have stopped her
from going to the beach.
In a attempt to reduce
the amount of plastic in
the sea.


My black friend asked me
What's my dark humour
like?" I told him, Well, it
picks cotton"
We haven't spoken since...


Which place has a Muslim
never been in?
Bath.


"This hotel room is so
boring... I think I'll play with my
balls"....
said Novak.


I've been working closely
with my Italian alien
friend as to how we can
vaccinate all the African
Niggers. He said, "Jabba
The Hut"...


Two old guys sat in a pub
just chatting.
"I've been married 50
years Dave"
"That's amazing Bruce,
we're all those years
good?"
"Indeed they were, well
most of them anyway,
how about you Dave?"
"98 years Bruce"
"98 years, how is that even
possible Dave?"
"I count in dog years...
She's a bit of a bitch
Bruce."


A new study this week
found that women prefer
bigger penises.
Well, I say "too bad."

[Bikkie]

Misunderstanding
Shrewsbury fans are getting criticism for chanting: Fuck the 96!. Why though?. It's probably a notoriously unreliable bus.



Russia has banned transsexuals from driving. I think that's a bit harsh. As they're half-man and half-woman, their driving skills probably work out about average.



My wife refers to her dildo as Quorn. Because it's a meat substitute.

[Bikkie]

Kiki Dee is in hospital awaiting a heart transplant.
Doctor says "thanks to a medical breakthrough, we are going to give you a pig's organ."
Kiki replies: "Don't go bacon my heart!"



I’ve been thinking about this so-called wage gap between the sexes and I’m not sure if it really exists.
Men usually opt for the higher paying jobs such as solicitor, doctor or industrial designer.
Women on the other hand almost always choose the somewhat lower paying jobs such as female solicitor, lady doctor or second class industrial designer.



People think that trans women are not real women

Yet their constant whining, attention-seeking and determination to fucking spoil everything, suggests otherwise



Kier Starmer describes his father as a Toolmaker.

We could have told him that.



What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

Slow...





I was Born free.

But taxed to death...




Remember that TV show 'Bread'?

I had a small roll in that.



Vegans are so rude and don’t have a sense of humour. This woman the other day had a right moan at me eating my burger and I’ve never even seen herbivore.



The craft gin club advert with Phillip Scholfield he says during it he can disappear. I bet he'd like to disappear with a poof.




Tried to teach my pitbull the peanut butter trick.

I'm a girl now.



I've just seen a large grey Norwegian ship with a massive barcode on the side.
Is that so they can scan da navy in?

I'll get my boat.

A suicide bomber gets to Paradise and says to Allah, 'Where's my 72 virgins, then? I'm dying to get stuck into them!'

'That part of the Koran has been seriously misinterpreted,' Allah says, handing him a bag of cherries and a pin.



I told the wife that sex is better on holiday.

With hindsight, not the best thing to put on a postcard.



Can't believe that Alzheimer's and Dementia Societies have chosen Bucks Fizz "Making Your Mind Up" as there 2022 advert song...



A homeless man wanders along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles Date…sometime last year..he doesn’t know when, he lost track of dates months ago The time..he was mugged for his watch 18 months previously, he only knows it’s after dark. He slumps to the ground in despair…hungry, tired, in need of a drink. Suddenly he notices a streak of light in the dark skies. A shooting star ? He makes a wish…a better life, a hot meal, a dry bed for the night, anything alcoholic….he falls asleep, dreaming of what might the morning bring The morning arrives along with two LAPD officers, they rudely wake him and move him on. A better life does not arrive, his wish didn’t work. Little does he know….that streak of light in the night sky was not a falling star, no, it was a billionaire returning to Earth after a fun two days orbiting the planet in his very own space ship. Status Quo (no, not the group).