What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

My mum caught me with a box of tissues, my pants were around my ankles.

"It better not be what I think it is," She said.

"Mum, I've been wanking," I confessed.

'Oh! Thank fuck for that!" She cried. " I thought you had shit your pants again!"


I've just developed a shampoo for Siamese Twins..Heads and Shoulder...


In these PC times, it's still okay to tell jokes about dwarves.

They might get a little short with you, but they won't hit the roof.



A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a cockerel and he was very upset. He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace him.'

And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

Nod to Barry Cryer


Syphilis is back. The sexually transmitted disease is making an alarming resurgence in Europe

This is Europe's most unwelcome comeback since the Spice Girls...


Writing a movie script where a gang of Edinburgh junkies go looking for men in women's clothing. Ewan McGregor in the lead role.
If only I could think of a title...



BBC NEWS: Call for rethink of Scottish transgender reforms.

After someone noticed that all Scottish men already wear skirts




"Hey Fergie Where's Andrew?" Asked a journalist

"Taken the children to Disney land I think. Well thats what I gather from the note on the fridge. He says he's off to Tampa with the kids"

"Fergie I need to tell you something" said the journalist.

"Disney is in Orlando. And your kids are stood by the side of you"


Despite being a man, I`m essentially a feminist, and I like to see women challenging traditional sexist stereotypes. That goes for sport too. Women never used to box, wrestle or play rugby.

In fact I`m proud to say my own daughter is always down at the local rugby club and very popular with the othermembers apparently.

She`s just getting ready to go out to training now, in her high heels, miniskirt and fishnet stockings.

It seems she`s the hooker.


It’s so cold in parts of the country, hookers are charging $20 to blow on hands.


In the spirit of equality and diversity, I have agreed that I should start hiring more white people to work in my cotton field.



Is it OK to refer to a Japanese child as a nipper?



I've been a single child ever since I caught my brother fucking my girlfriend.



I'm traveling to a Pacific Island where I'm guaranteed to have some kinky fun with a native girl.

Are you going to tonga ?

Too fucking right and I'm going to finger her bumhole



What was R Kelly's least-favourite chart compilation album?

Now 16.



I went to a wife-swapping party last night.

It was great. I got a lawnmower and a crate of beer for mine.

We were talking about "the dwarves" and Peter Dinklage yesterday and sure enough this lady reported me to HR for "offensive" comment.

"What ?.... all I fucking said was that I praised Peter Dinklage for standing tall for his people."




"Neil Young to Spotify: Either remove my music or Joe Rogan podcast"

Keep on vlogging in the Free World.




So Joe Biden has threatened 'personal sanctions' against Putin if he invades the Ukraine.

Looks like there's going to be a few Russian hookers going to have some spare time on their hands....

So Boris can’t release the Grey “Party” report on Thursday as it’s Holocaust Memorial Day.
Not Friday - bugger off Friday
Not Monday - street children day
Not Tuesday - start of black history month
So we’re into March which begins with
Pancake Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, and then
We’ve into Lent so another 40 days, then the Summer break…

Ashleigh Barty through to Australian Open Tennis Singles Final. Quinten plays doubles with her brother Omar..Ooooooh

[Bikkie]

Spotify is safe to use now.

Joni Mitchel and Neil Young have fucked off.



I've just seen an inflatable sheep for sale on line. Fuck me, how bad has your life got to be if you can't get a real sheep to fuck?

( one for the aussie's )



.had a dream last night that saucy little bint Emma raducanu was being interviewed....and the interviewer asked her "would you ever consider doing doubles"? And she replied "I'm always doing doubles... double penetration, double anal, cock tennis double fisting the fucking lot."



What’s the difference between a rover 75 and a dead prostitute?

You get your money back off a dead prostitute.


New Disney film coming soon to The Odeon.


Snow Black and The Seven Dwarves With No Father.



There was an old twat called Putin
Who went to Ukraine for a shootin
You can’t do in ere
What you did in Crimea
Or Boris is putting the boot in.



I'd rather shit myself than have Spotify announce to my friends.

That I'm listening to the Spice Girls...


Energy bills are like heroin addicts.

Both have shot up.




A lady friend visited last night so I thought I would cook dinner for her. The first course went down really well curried chicken with fried rice. I then served up the pudding, she took one mouthful and spat it out.
“What the fuck was that ?” she screamed.
“Arctic roll” I replied, “I made it myself.”
“Show me the recipe” she said so I did.
“Do you see this” she said, pointing to the vanilla essence.
“Ah” said I “I didn’t have any, but I remember an old saying of my mother ‘time is of the essence’ so I used thyme instead.


I was hauled up in an HR hearing with the coloured feminazi from the office across from me, and I said, "Ok, it was wrong or "cultural appropriation" or something like this for me to compare myself to a black person in casual conversation."

You said at the water cooler, quote: "I'm fucking thirstier than an African child."





"Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman.

"I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone."

"No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!"

"May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly.

"I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week."

"Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago."

I turned to her and snapped "will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch...."

"Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper.

"No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking."




( One of Barry Cryer originals. )



After being fucked about for weeks I managed to get an appointment to see a doctor. As I booked in I asked the receptionist out on a date. She was thrilled to bits.

I told her it would have to be a telephone one, then I would decide if I wanted to see her. See how she fucking likes it.



The twitchers in a certain community were in a frenzy, a rare honey buzzard had taken perch in woodland. They lay in long grass or sat in their hides watching this bird through binoculars or snapping it through telephoto lenses. All of a sudden a car pulled up, a chap got out with a shotgun, let the buzzard have it with both barrels, collected the dead bird and drove off. The twitchers were aghast but managed to take down his registration.

Days later, he was up in front of a magistrate. The magistrate said: "This is a dreadful thing".

The shooter replied "I never intended to kill the buzzard, I was shooting pigeon and it flew into my line of fire."

The magistrate said, "Okay. Out of interest, what did you do with it?"

He said "I ate it."

The magistrate said "Good lord, what did it taste like?"

He replied "Difficult to describe really, a bit like a cross between Northern White Rhino and Albino Panda."




I was at a job interview and was asked what my biggest regret in life.
"A few years ago, when I was on holiday, I saved a kid who was drowning."
They looked puzzled, "Why would you regret doing that?"
"Well, I saw him again later that night and he was wearing a Tottenham shirt."

[Piper]

I read that dwarves are
unable to masturbate, as
their arms are too short.
No wonder they were so
fiercely protective of Snow
White.


People are appalled that
Disney are doing a remake
of Snow White and the Seven
Dwarves.
They must think all
Dwarves have low self
esteem.


Dinklage.
The sound made by
a midget punching
someone as hard as they
can.


I see Peter Dinklage has
complained about the
new Snow White movie ;
Probably because people
keep likening him to one
of the seven dwarves
... he's not Happy.


We were talking about
"the dwarves" and Peter
Dinklage yesterday and
sure enough this lady
reported me to HR for
"offensive" comment.
"What?... all I fucking
said was that I praised
Peter Dinklage for
standing tall for his
people."



So Peter Dinklage has
been on about the new
Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs.
I've heard he's not happy.
So which one is he
playing then?


So I was at this party in
Hollywood and I spotted
someone I wanted to talk
to.
"I know you, you're from
Game of Thrones. You're
Peter Dinkle."
"My second name is
Dinklage, you fucking
Moron," he said.
"I know that I ani't stupid.
I'm from England, and over
there we all call you Peter
Dinkle"
"Really? and why would
you cocksucking,
Mother fucking Brits call me
Dinkle?"
"Because in Britain a
Dinkle is another name for
a small prick."


We got instructed in art
class to make a likeness
of Cressinda Dick. There
were some fantastic
drawings, paintings and
sculptures.
I just bent a two pence
coin over.


"Shigella : Gay and
bisexual men warned
over highly infectious
and 'extremely antibiotic-resistant
bug."
Wouldn't it be better to
warn them against fucking
each other up the arse?


Fans can't complain about
Mason Greenwood.
We all go home and beat
our wives when the team
plays shit.


What’s the difference
between most chief
constable and a certain
Man United star?...
One won't be a freemason
for much longer.


I don't think Prince Andrew
is too concerned about
being banned from his
golf club;The Royal and
Ancient at St Andrews.
He has just taken honoury
membership with The
Young and Promiscuous
at St Trinians.


Nice to see Prince Harry
and Megan joining
the condemnation
of Spotify over Covid
misinformation.
Obviously not enough
to justify cancelling
their content deal with
the company worth an
estimated £18m...Not
that much misinformation.

[Piper]

Joni Mitchell..... She didn’t
leave Spotify in protest
against Josh Rogin’s
podcasts.
She was banned.
For spreading untruths
about "tree museum's'


Looking forward to
the new Neil Young
compilation with newly
discovered unedited lyrics
from classics, my
favourite being :
Keep on rocking in the
free world-As long as
you're only excising your
freedom to agree with me.


Adele tries to save her
relationship with Rich Paul
after he wasn't there for
Her during Vegas show
cancellations.
Don't fret dear - he's just
gone for some cigarettes -
should be back by July.


Adele has pulled all her
albums from Spotify.
It's now safe to join
Spotify...


Peter Dinklage trying to
stop Disney remaking
Snow White and the 7
Dwarves.
Typical pampered luvvie
who has forgotten his
humble roots and pulls up
the footstool to deprive
others of the same
opportunities.



I don't know why Walt
Disney listened to Peter
Dinklage and took the
Dwarves out of the
forthcoming Snow White
He's not a big actor, he
just plays small parts


Some people like to make
jokes about Peter Dinklage,
but I'd never stoop so low.


I think Cressida Dick
should be fired. Not
because of incompetence,
but because of false
advertising.
Calling herself a lesbian
when you rearrange
letters in her first name
and you get "I'd caress
dick."


Watching the news earlier :.
"TV presenter Phillip
Schofield has tested
positive". "Hardly surprising all
things considered."
"For Covid-19."
"Oh, oh, right"


Simon Cowell was
reportedly rushed to
hospital following another
e-bike crash
You could say he's in a
vicious cycle...

[Bikkie]

Why are women so obsessed with clothes when all men care about is what they look like naked … ???


I went on a date with a girl last night.
I said, "You look amazing."
"Thanks," she smiled. "My dad made me what I am today."
"You come from a rich family?" I asked.
She said, "No, he's a transgender surgeon."


Scientists say sniffing Rosemary can increase memory by 75 percent, yet every time I try she slaps me saying I'm a creep.




I conned a girl into thinking I was a soldier. Great shag. Only downside is she's served me with a dishonorable discharge. Ouch




According to a new report, China now watches more porn than the US & UK.

This is great news —

China is consuming something that’s made in our country.



Victoria Beckham has the same meal of grilled fish & steamed veg every day.

No oil, butter or sauces.

A treat is a slice of wholewheat toast with salt on and for her birthday, a piece of fruitcake.

They say you are what you eat.


Guy goes into a golf club, the receptionist says:

“Sorry you’re not welcome here”

Guy:” but I’m a country member!”

“Yeah I remember….



It’s alright mason my lad, just say you don’t sweat and all will be fine.

Kind regards
Andy Windsor

If a Rancor ate an Ewok would it be a little Chewy?



What's the difference between milk and Michael McIntyre?

Milk can be funny.


Why did the baker have brown fingers?

He kneaded a pooh.

Credit: Whizzer & Chips 1983




Bill Cosby sings Craig David:

�� I met this girl on Monday
Took her for a drink on Tuesday
We were making love by Wednesday
And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, she woke on Sunday. ��



My wife once went to a remoaner rally and unbelievably a reporter with the Alex Jones network started asking the fat fucker some questions.

He quickly started frustrating her so she declared "You're just trying to make me look stupid !"






I wiped the shit off her back and legs, tickled her and gave her a kiss, reached over to get a fresh nappy and I couldn't help but think to myself that I wish nans care workers had just had the fucking vaccine instead of getting themselves the sack




I was in the process of seducing the Mrs and she said "Talk dirty to me".

So I replied "I'd like to rip the knickers off your mother, bend her over the table cum in her hairy ass whilst trying to squeeze any residual milk from her dried up sagging jugglers like she is from a Somerset dairy herd".

Apparently this was the wrong answer, but the good news is I am expecting to make a full recovery by the summer and they have already located a donor organ, hope it isn't a black one though. Glass half full, that's me!




You know if you die from the Coronavirus.

Even your death will be

Made In China...

[Piper]

Whoopi Goldberg said the
Holocaust "wasn't about
race"
Is as stupid as saying
Whoopi Goldberg isn't
black?


Whoopsie Goldberg!


Lorraine Kelly has advised
Simon Cowell to 'wear
a helmet' after the pop
mogul was injured in
another cycling crash.
He replied 'I don't think
I need to. Everyone who
knows me is always
saying I'm a complete
helmet'


Graffi artist Banksy, he
must be the only man
who's sprayed more shit
on a wall than Bobby
Sands.


From now on if someone
upsets me, I'm call them an
"arsehole, fucker, or piece
of shit" because those
are gender-neutral words
and I don't want to offend
anyone.

[Bikkie]

This Asian in the office once had the nerve to shout at me "Supplies !", so I said right to his face "Oi, I'm working as hard as I can on the logistics, you fucking fishhead bastard !"

and so ended yet again another attempt of my colleagues to throw me a surprise birthday party.




Today I learned that Cressida Dick has a girlfriend with the surname Ball.

I'm unsure if simple irony, or if inappropriate to make a joke about a gay couple literally BEING the dick and ball....

One thing that always makes me chuckle is whenever I see a horse wearing a hat.

Still though, I've never quite known what Charles sees in Camilla








My mate said, 'Don't you think Justin Bieber looks like Miley Cyrus without makeup?'

I replied, 'No, I think Miley Cyrus looks like Justin Bieber without makeup.'



'Deja poo'
The feeling that you've heard this shit before





"What are you doing?"

"Curling."

"Well, hurry up and wipe your arse or you'll miss the start of the winter Olympics."



Women and beer are very similar .....

Chill for the best result...


As a keen competitor on the series, everything was going great on My Kitchen Rules until I shared the ingredients of my tossed salad.



I disagree with Whoopie Goldberg, race isn't always something you can see.

Especially when one of the fuckers mugs you in a dark alley.

[R650R]

[Piper]

First they came for the
communists, but I hate
commies, so I said
nothing.
Then they came for the
Trade unionists, but I'm a
small business owner, so I
wasn't bothered.
Next they came for the
Jehovah's Witnesses, but
I've always hated those
cunts for knocking on
my door at 9 o'clock on a
Saturday morning when
I'm still in bed.
Next they came for the
Jews ;I'm a Jew, but I
wasn't afraid because
Whoopi Goldberg told me
they weren't racist.


Fuck me, there were
so many children in
the Olympics opening
ceremony.
It's like they closed an
Apple factory for the day.


Can't be the only one who
has an overwhelming urge
whenever I see females
boxing, to shoot, "leave
it!... He's not worth it.


KFC have decided to
rename their company in
keeping with the twenty
first century.
It will now be known as
Kids Fat Club.


This sucks. My girlfriend
wants me to go and buy
her some tampons.
If that wasn't enough,
she's making me buy her
a copy of the new One
Direction album as well.


My wife hates Golden
Showers.
She'll have to get used to
them now that the gas
price is shooting up.


To be fair to Boris when
someone said rescue the
Afghans the dopey cunt
thought they meant dogs.


I remember listening to
my first Beatles record as
if it was yesterday.

[Bikkie]

Just been out picking apples...

Or "stealing mobile phones" as the police put it



The plot for the new Disney Cartoon remake of Snow White

Gang of vertically challenged coal miners adopt dumb squatter who suffers from delusions of grandeur. After ruthlessly removing her virginity and desecrating all her other bodily orifices repeatedly, she is dumped in a coma in the forest to let nature take it’s toll. Fortunately a passing gay Prince (the only fairy in the tale) rescues her, kisses her to revive her and sells her on to sex slavers for a pocket full of magic beans and a quick blow job.



Isn’t it strange how the crybabies are trying to cancel Jimmy Carr, but they’re ok with Maxine Carr roaming the streets…



The duchess of Cambridge is to read a children's story on Cbbc, 13th February at 6:30pm.
I wonder how many men will only have a tiny amount of clear runny spunk left for their wives on Valentines night?



To all the Thai girls I've loved before, you well come.


A crocodile has been freed after wearing a car tyre round its neck for six years.
Rescuers had to tread carefully and although worn out, managed to cut him free.
It's going to be a Goodyear for the Croc now and he can stop living in de-nile.
I'll get my boat.


Great to see that young blonde actress, Reese something on the American baking competition.
Witherspoon?
Yes and her rolling pin and piping bag.

(if you can't think of a new joke... Bastardize the old ones)


Porn sites will soon be legally required to verify the users age

its a little bit unfair but I'm just glad it's only the users age they want to verify.


Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a

warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands.

The warehouse door

read the initials B.A. Brit Awards 2022...


Beijing Olympics:

Wee Scottish lass seen practicing her sweeping brush technique.
That'll save her a black eye when he gets back from the pub.


I was at the gym and going for a set of 315 for 12 on the bench press, and as I was on the 8th and 9th rep this guy spotting me was shouting things trying to encourage me like "Size is the Prize !"

"Listen mate, I'm training like this to bang a slender fit woman, not my fat fucking wife !"

[Piper]

I've been trying to get an
appointment to see my
doctor for absolutely
ages. I finally saw him
Monday at 2.30 and
showed him the rash on
my scrotum that had been
worsening over these last
4 months.
Miserable cunt completely
ignored me and kept on
pushing his trolley around
Pak n' save.


All feminists are strong
women and don't need a
man in their lives.
Unless it's to blame men
for their problems that is.

. I'm in a sticky situation.
I was watching the
wrecking Ball music
video...


Whats the difference
between applies and
Muslims?
I don't use a sniper rifle to
pick off apples.


So many things these
days are disposable. Use
once and useless after
Razors
Plastic straws
Suicide Bombers.


Few women admit their
age.
Few men act it.


"Daddy, why does Nana
smell of wee wee?" my
daughter asked.
"Well, she's old," I
explained. "Although
being a prostitute that
specialises in 'water
sports' probably doesn't
help either"


Can't believe how saggy
my foreskin is now I'm
older...
It looks like Dumbos trunk.


Quinten has been invited
to Radio 2 themed
whisky testing event.
He can't wait to get his
lips around a stiff Johnnie
Walker.


Never laugh at your wife
choices...
You are one of them

[Piper]

West Ham footballer Kurt
Zouma has had his two
cats taken away from him.
By the RSPCA after
footage emerged of him
kicking one.
West Ham Utd are to
release a charity single
Tom Jones-"What's New
Pussycat?"


Nestle are hiring Kurt
Zouma to be their new
mascot of their new
chocolate bar kick-cat.


The controversial sport
of dwarf-tossing was
invented by Snow White.


Why do women talk so
much?
Because they have two
sets of lips...


'My Mehbooba': Charles
uses Camilla's pet name
( which means 'Trigger' in
Urdu )

[Piper]

Cluedo for cats.
It was Kurt Zouma in the
kitchen, with a boot.


"Adidas ends sponsorship
deal with West Ham
defender Kurt Zouma over
cat-attack video"
I bet that's the most
expensive pussy he's ever
had.


Zouma, you're a boy make
a big noise
Playing on the pitch,
gonna be a big man
someday
You got mud on your face,
you big disgrace
Kicking your cat all over
the place sigin'
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you


Daily mail :Kim
Kindergarten has explained
why she split with Kanye
West.. In other news, the pope
has explained why he is
Catholic.


My local shop is doing a
dozen roses for a tenner
this Valentine's Day.
I read that women find
such overblown gestures
unimpressive, and are
happier to receive a single
rose to show that you love
them.
Brilliant! This year all
twelve of my girlfriends
will think I love them, and
I'll only be a tenner down.


'Neil Young urges Spotify
employees to leave
company' before it eats
your soul. '
I think by the looks of it
something he's already
done that to you Neil!

[Piper]

Are the ladies feeling
cheated in that the Super
Bowl is the 13th and so
they'll get Valentines Day
when half the nation is
hung over after Super
Bowl parties? You may get
the "I have a headache"
line on your big day.


China is now the world's
largest economy.
Not to worry. Thanks to
McDonald's and Pizza
Hut.
We are the world's
largest people.


Lewis Hamilton caught
on camera kicking his
tyres.
Not a Goodyear for
blacks


New variant of Covid
detected that cause you
to sweat butter. However
scientists confident they
can stop the spread

( News quiz )

[Piper]

This Valentine's Day I will
no doubt be inundated
again as usual...
in undated


Ex-King Crimson and
Foreigner keyboard player,
Ian McDonald has died.
His 'Epitaph' will read,
'Cold As Ice'...