My mum caught me with a box of tissues, my pants were around my ankles.
"It better not be what I think it is," She said.
"Mum, I've been wanking," I confessed.
'Oh! Thank fuck for that!" She cried. " I thought you had shit your pants again!"
I've just developed a shampoo for Siamese Twins..Heads and Shoulder...
In these PC times, it's still okay to tell jokes about dwarves.
They might get a little short with you, but they won't hit the roof.
A guy was driving down a country lane and he ran over a cockerel and he was very upset. He went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and a woman opened it and he said: 'I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace him.'
And she said: 'Please yourself, the hens are round the back.
Nod to Barry Cryer
Syphilis is back. The sexually transmitted disease is making an alarming resurgence in Europe
This is Europe's most unwelcome comeback since the Spice Girls...
Writing a movie script where a gang of Edinburgh junkies go looking for men in women's clothing. Ewan McGregor in the lead role.
If only I could think of a title...
BBC NEWS: Call for rethink of Scottish transgender reforms.
After someone noticed that all Scottish men already wear skirts
"Hey Fergie Where's Andrew?" Asked a journalist
"Taken the children to Disney land I think. Well thats what I gather from the note on the fridge. He says he's off to Tampa with the kids"
"Fergie I need to tell you something" said the journalist.
"Disney is in Orlando. And your kids are stood by the side of you"
Despite being a man, I`m essentially a feminist, and I like to see women challenging traditional sexist stereotypes. That goes for sport too. Women never used to box, wrestle or play rugby.
In fact I`m proud to say my own daughter is always down at the local rugby club and very popular with the othermembers apparently.
She`s just getting ready to go out to training now, in her high heels, miniskirt and fishnet stockings.
It seems she`s the hooker.
It’s so cold in parts of the country, hookers are charging $20 to blow on hands.
In the spirit of equality and diversity, I have agreed that I should start hiring more white people to work in my cotton field.
Is it OK to refer to a Japanese child as a nipper?
I've been a single child ever since I caught my brother fucking my girlfriend.
I'm traveling to a Pacific Island where I'm guaranteed to have some kinky fun with a native girl.
Are you going to tonga ?
Too fucking right and I'm going to finger her bumhole
What was R Kelly's least-favourite chart compilation album?
Now 16.
I went to a wife-swapping party last night.
It was great. I got a lawnmower and a crate of beer for mine.
We were talking about "the dwarves" and Peter Dinklage yesterday and sure enough this lady reported me to HR for "offensive" comment.
"What ?.... all I fucking said was that I praised Peter Dinklage for standing tall for his people."
"Neil Young to Spotify: Either remove my music or Joe Rogan podcast"
Keep on vlogging in the Free World.
So Joe Biden has threatened 'personal sanctions' against Putin if he invades the Ukraine.
Looks like there's going to be a few Russian hookers going to have some spare time on their hands....
So Boris can’t release the Grey “Party” report on Thursday as it’s Holocaust Memorial Day.
Not Friday - bugger off Friday
Not Monday - street children day
Not Tuesday - start of black history month
So we’re into March which begins with
Pancake Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, and then
We’ve into Lent so another 40 days, then the Summer break…
Ashleigh Barty through to Australian Open Tennis Singles Final. Quinten plays doubles with her brother Omar..Ooooooh
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