What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Looking for a bit of advice...
What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day? -
6? 12? 24?
Or the whole tin?

I'm a bit of a secret admirer to the girl next door so I'm gonna have some flowers sent to her house.


I can't wait to see her reaction through the crack of her wardrobe.



Just came back from willy wonkas factory.

Guess what the fireguard was made out of...




I went for a lovely walk through the graveyard this morning.

I ain't spending any money on flowers this valentines day.



Shaquille O'Neal, known as Shaq.

Like the love shack only spelt differently.

And he's the size of a B52.



According to a new poll, a majority of women want their men to propose on Valentine's Day.

The same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day.


The little black kid got a valentines card at my sons school with the rhyme :

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Where is your dad?
And what does he do?




Roses are boring
Heroes are better
But Toblerone wins
For getting me wetter



My nurse girlfriend came in yelling in rage because apparently I`ve given her an STD.

Women are never content.

You`d think she`d be in favour of "Clap for the NHS."



A blast from the past.

Theresa May informs Boris Johnson that ‘leave really does mean leave’.



Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian



- New Zealand officials blasted Barry Manilow songs loudly on a loop to try and drive off anti-vaxx protestors.

Not sure why they thought that would work as white people like me enjoy his songs... if they had played some Gangster rap someone like me would have fled in 2 seconds as I fucking hate that nigger music.




They wanted all parents to come in for one day of reading times and such at my young son's school, but they actually had the officer there chuck me out just because of the song I sang for them on the guitar when I instructed the alphabet.

- K,K,K... that's my favourite letter -




Leftists: Workers of the world, Unite!
Truckers: Unite against Tyranny!
Leftists: No! Not like that!



"2B, or not 2B. That is the question."

- Shakespeare, apartment hunting...


Of course the Met are racist. I overheard one of them them on his walkie-talkie the other day. Kept complaining about the fuzzy wuzzy reception. Said it was something to do with a radio black-out.

I approached a woman that looked to be about 28 in the gym and offered her £250 for sex, and she was massively offended.

I said, "Then why are you dressing like a whore in here ?"



If love is blind?

Why is lingerie so popular?


The teacher asked the class, "Who can spell the word SEAWARD?"

Leroy put up his hand and said, "C U N...


‘Dick is out’

‘The Wrath of Khan.’


I let one of my places out to a gay couple, but I'm going to have to serve an eviction notice on them.

At first it was fine having a couple of reliable rent boys, but they keep slamming the back door.



My Irish mate can move rhythmically to music, typically following a set sequence of steps, on an archer's portable case for holding arrows.

Quiver dance.



"Two dyslexics talking in the kitchen one says to the other can you smell gas"?

"The other says oh I don't know I doubt it. I can't even smell my own name"



I took a girl back to my place last night.

An hour later, she said, "That was the best shag ever. I've never seen such a huge dick."

"I told you it'd be fantastic," I replied.

There was an awkward silence, before she finally said, "Are you gonna fuck me, then, or are we watching porn all night?"




My Dad had a sex change and I can't see him anymore. He's transparent.

But there is an upside: No more Dad jokes.


Rang an estate agent yesterday about selling my house. He asked if I had a semi. A bit forward I thought.

So kicking cats is where most people draw a line....

To which I reply "if you don't draw a line how do you know how far you've kicked them?" 😂



Cressida Dick's replacement is bound to be female.
I can't see a man filling her slot.

I asked my wife why she was going to her teaching job looking so ridiculous and she said, "I dress for the job I want, not the job I have."

Her strategy worked like a charm as for the last 16 years she's had the "job" of sitting home and collecting benefits whilst she watches the telly all day and wears a flimsy muumuu.


My mate is hooked on methamphetamine

He is fed up being told to "REDUCE SPEED NOW" by those road signs




Mayor of London Sadiq Khan loses confidence in his Dick.



Dick pulls out.



Me trying to flirt: "You're so hot that when I went down on you, I burnt my tounge "

Her: "nah, that'd be the chlamydia"




The reverse condom:

Dick is out and Johnson is no longer protected.




"A soft Dick is no good to anyone" Sadiq Khan

[Bikkie]

What's the difference between a £20 steak and a £55 steak?

February 14th...



I bought the wife a Valentines treat from Anne Summers, a red bra and panties and some stockings and suspenders.
Unfortunately I couldn't perform on the night but she told me not to worry as we could try again tomorrow night and this time she'd wear them.

Roses are red,
Valentine's Day breaks the bank,
I preferred it when it was just me,
With a Pot Noodle and a wank.



To anyone suffering from paranoia

Remember, you're not alone.



roses are red
violets are blue
so are my bollocks
'til I empty them in you



Roses are red
Violets get you drunk
Open your gob
And swallow my spunk.

A short verse to help you out tonight



Hard times make strong men

Easy times produce vegans



I love valentines day. I always forget on purpose so my Mrs will give me the silent treatment and I get some peace and quiet for the day.

Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman has died at the age of 75...producers have confirmed that he will now have a cameo role in the next movie

After testing positive for Covid, Camilla Parker Bowles has decided it would be wise to cancel all engagements.

She will now stay at home and sponge millions from the taxpayers instead.




I bought my wife some sexy underwear for Valentines day.

As soon as she put it on though, it became just underwear.


Happy Valentine’s Day to all those people in love and happy Monday to all those who are married.


I received five Valentine's cards at work today,
the most I've ever had.

I wish we had a woman in the office though.



Happy Valentine's Day—or as single people call it,

"Drunk Dial Your Ex" Day...



Just found out the Scottish guy who lives next door to me is a drug dealer who also does a Marc Bolan tribute act at weekends.

That explains his nickname
... "Sell A Gram Tam"



My missus says I have a face for radio.

So does she now.



Dr. Dre, Mary J Blige, Lamar, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, and 50 Cent perform at Super Bowl's first-ever hip-hop show.

Five blacks and a white. Reminds of a quarterback and an offensive line.



I’m not overly surprised that Eminem followed Colin Kaepernick and took to 1 knee at Super Bowl LVI.

I’m more shocked that after all these years he’s not the real Slim Shady



A Facebook friend of mine posted a video of her infant son with the caption, 'Future footballer?'

I watched it expecting to see the little lad kicking a soft ball around, but he just fell over then started screaming.



I didn't get a Valentines day card today but I got a summons.

At least I'm fucking wanted somewhere.




Who was the first black actor to play the Equalizer?

N-Word Woodward


Old lady sitting on a bus and sees a 5 year old lad dressed up for a kids fancy dress birthday party. "Off to a party, I see", she says to the lad. "What are you dressed as?"
"A pirate." says the lad.
"And where are your buccaneers?"
"Under me buckin' 'at!"



My granddad has Parkinson's.

Whenever I ask for a glass of milk, he brings me cheese.

[Piper]

I was watching 8 out of
10 cats with my girlfriend
when I was talking over
Rosie Jones talking, my
girlfriend said, shhh, I can't
hear what she is saying, I
said, no one can.


I ordered a meal in
McDonald's, the woman
asked, "Are you having it
large?"
I said, Why, have you got
some gear? "


If you want to find out a
woman's faults
praise her to her female
friends.

[Bikkie]

In an unexpected twist, Prince Andrew is now paying Virginia Giuffre to keep her mouth closed.


I hope Prince Andrew hasn't agreed a massive settlement in his sex abuse case.

What with fuel bills sky high as well, we're going to struggle to pay it.




Bought my son a drone for his Birthday.

He looks disappointed, but if he's good I'll pay the beekeeper for the full hive.




The new Lord of the Rings TV show cost $1 Billion to make and was filmed in New Zealand.

A small band of white characters under seige from a hord of rampaging Orcs who are destroying their way of life?

They could've saved some dough and set it in an English city.



What do you call a gay from New Zealand?

A Kiwi fruit.



This new Korean woman at work is apparently a lesbian.

She likes to eat pussy.



I used to like dressing up as a nun. It started out as a bit of fun but then got out of hand. I've been having counselling and going to a support group. I've now managed to kick the habit.



In a fancy restaurant, I saw Quinten Crisp eating a steak.

He's always enjoyed a large piece of firm meat.

Oooooooh.




Mr. Trump to tell lenders the statements issued between 2011 to 2020 are no longer deemed reliable

Mr. Trump will now be known as

The League of Extraordinary Con Men...



Billie eilish has been cancelled due to her homophobic slurs.

Good if you ask me, I can't stand celebrities thinking they can get away with it, it's about time someone called them out fucking faggots.

[Piper]

No. Dog shit bins in the
park?
Simply address the full
bag to the council and pop
in a post box.


Deputy Assistant
Commissioner Bas Javid
told BBC Newsnight some
officers "have racist views
and are racist.
Well with policing when
it's blacks committing
most crimes."


My daughter ambushed
me and bought home a
coloured boyfriend who
said he's an "aspiring
rapper," and let out a long
stream of nothing but
obscenities.
I've got a lawsuit now
against the jigaboo
as I should have the
songwriting rights to his
new #1rap single that's
word-for-word what I said.


There was a scouse
Alanis Morissette tribute
act on in my local last
night her first song was
One Hand In Your Pocket.


There was a cross
dressing Eurythmics
tribute act in my local
last night, the singers
name was Trannie Lennox.


I mentioned at work that
"It's great to see the dwarf
actors getting some work
and also the main actress
cast is a Latina."
The SJW feminist who
interjected into the
conversation said, "It's
great to see a dinosaur
like you finally accepting
the diverse colour-blind
casting for new
productions like Snow
White
" I'm not talking about
Snow White, but some
Midget porn I recently
watched. "


Children in the dark make
accidents.
Accidents in the dark
make children...


There were 3 brothers
from China.

Bu, Chu, and Fu.

When they moved to
America, they decided to
change their names.

Bu changed his name to
Buck.

Chu changed his name to
Chuck.

And Fu... Well, he had to go
back to China...


You are really old.
When your back goes out
more often than you do!


What the most common
reaction emojis really
mean

Heart: I'm going to
masturbate over you.

Laughing Face: You're a
fucking idiot.

Sad Face: you make me
fucking puke.

Angry Face: you need
to play with a chainsaw
in the middle of a busy
motorway.

Care Face: I really don't
give a fuck, whinge to
someone else.

Thumb Up: Send nudes

Thumb Down' I hope we
never ever meet any you
meet a grizzly end.


Huge queues are forming
at Buckingham palace on
news that Prince Andrew
is giving away huge
amounts of money to
people he has never met.


Police swoop on Jordan
Pickford pub where
England ace caught up in
brawl after being mocked
for 'T-Rex arms'
Why would he be upset
being compared to marc
Bolan.

[Bikkie]

I completely understand Virginia Guiffre taking the money & not wanting her dirty laundry aired in public.

Prince Andrew would only end up sniffing it.




A big thank you to all the UK taxpayers.

Signed
Andrew Albert Christian Edward xxx



Just had my water bill of £900. That's too much.
Oxfam can supply a whole african village for just £3 a month. Time to change supplier I think.


In the ad break of a TV show last night a white, heterosexual couple were trying to sell me something.

Then I remembered I was watching an 80's show on VHS.


Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
Had twelve million of our bucks,
He used it to pay off the
underage girls that he fucks.



Prince Andrew handed over so much taxpayer money to Virginia Giuffre that she must have felt like one of the family.



Prince Andrew has settled his underage sex abuse case out of court.

No sweat!




Prince Andrew need not feel too bad. Even if he does forfeit his public duties permanently, he can always get a job with the BBC.



🎶The grand old Duke of nonce,
He never shagged that kid,
That's why he paid her millions,
To stop saying he did🎶



Prince Andrew manages to settle out of court...his lawyers are so good it wouldn't surprise me if he managed to secure another shag as part of the deal



Prince Andrew has had more victories in court.

Than Donald Trump...


The grand old duke of York

He payed to get out of court

His old dear mother payed them off

And he's free to nonce again

Royals ‘bracing for tell-all book’ from Prince Andrew’s accuser, as it emerged Virginia Giuffre didn’t sign NDA.

Virginia explained “Prince Andrew already knows that I don’t have a gag reflex”



🎶 The grand old Duke of York 🎶

Not so grand now, eh ?



Th grand old Duke of nonce
he really was a Ponce
He paid 12 mill to an American girl
That he never got to fk (ahem)
When he was up he was up.
When she went down she went down
And when he was only half way up he shuck it in her brown.
P Ayres.

[Bikkie]

Surely, it's now "the twelve thousand grand old Duke of York"?


In my years of working within the entertainment industry I've always found the pompousness of those who exclaim, "Don't you know who I am?!" fascinating.

To which I've replied, "Sure, you're that person who's got amnesia!"


When I was in the USA, I went to an arena and watched a night of fights.

Between bouts, they also seemed to play a hockey game.


What do Katie Price and the UK weather have in common?

They will both blow the entire UK just to get on TV...


We had that "diversity training" at work and I couldn't believe just how much I was agreeing with the big fat black lady doing it..... She said, "black people should have their own 'safe spaces' to stay in where white people never enter."

"I'm completely fucking with you on that one, bitch."


If I understand correctly, Prince Andrew is now forbidden from playing any kind of role in British royal ceremonies, isn't that right? In other words, the Grand old Duke of York becomes the Banned old Duke of York.



Polar bears are pretty cool.



The Met Office has issued a red weather warning covering all of Wales in anticipation of Storm Eunice

Residents have been advised to make preparations for possible power cuts, to avoid travelling where possible and to bring their 2 sexiest sheep indoors




BBC headline
“Kitkat and Durex makers warn of price rises”

Can’t the do the same as Mars bars and keep the price the same, but make the product smaller




The grand old duke of York,
He was a filthy prick,
He paid some bird 12 million quid,
She must have sucked good dick.


Using Dating Apps is a lot like going to the Zoo. You enjoy looking at the various creatures but are fucking terrified about meeting them up close and unconstrained.




The Queen's Jubilee celebrations are reportedly one less guest yet still £12,000,000 over budget.


Just got thrown out of my local Asian karaoke night

Maybe I shouldn't have started with woahoa black betty


KitKat and Durex makers warn of price rises.

My lunchtimes were already expensive enough.



The Grand old Joke of York.


What's the difference between a bank robber and a Republican politician?

A bank robber is a safe cracker. A Republican politician is a dangerous cracker.



Beauty and the Beast.

A tale as old as Randy Prince Andrew...


A year after crashing his car and having multiple surgeries on his leg, Tiger Woods says he's working on walking.

He can putt and hit a few short irons.

But he still can't drive.




Poor Prince Andrew.
Went seeking Pandora's box and got Victoria's secret blown all over his face at a cost of £12,000,000. The dozy twat.



A Paedophile Poem:

Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand girls;
He shagged them up at the top of the hill,
And he made them down on him again.

When his pants were up, they were up,
And when they were underage, they came down,
And though they were all still at school
He shagged them once again.

[Bikkie]

Met a nice Jewish girl in the club last night, at the end of the evening she asked if i would like her number. I told her "We don't do that anymore you can use your name now."



Prince Andrew is praying his mother survives Covid.

Till the cheque clears anyway



Thinking of ordering a pizza for home delivery.
Not that I'm hungry - just want Ahmed to get pissed wet through on his moped!




Katy Price has got that t.v. program about doing up her old wrecked gaff...
trouble is there's no actual D.I.Y in the show....

Unless you count the bit at the end where she gets her face plastered by 15 builders....



Britain's women win gold at curling.

How ironic that our only gold comes in a sport that involves 4 women and a sweeping brush.




I see the woman's curlers won gold in the Winter Olympics.

I didn't realise hairdressing was a discipline, but fair play to them




Elton John reported to have donated his prized original grand piano at auction that sold for $3,000,000. No fee and no takers interested in the accompanying stool however.




I phoned my boss on Monday morning and said, 'Sorry, but I'm not going to make it in today. Got another case of V.D.'

He replied, 'For God's sake, that's the third time this year! It's about time you started using some protection!'

I said, 'You can get protection against Vomiting and Diarrhoea now?'

[Piper]

A shark expert from
Sydney has told news
that Simon Nellist was
Probably mistaken for a
dolphin, seal or fish.
I get the dolphin and fish
part but seal is clearly a
nigger and was recording
his album in London at the
time.


American Twitter users
have been complaining
that today's Wordle
answer, "swill" is too
complicated and probably
doesn't even exist.
Pretty rich from the exact
same group of people
who invented the words
"genderqueer," "nonbinary"
and "cisheteronormative"


My weird gothic son has
began dressing as a
vampire.
I told the little creep he's
taking it much too far
asking his mother for her
used tampons so he can
make a cup of tea.


If your a human cannon
ball, and your really bad at
your job. How do they fire
you?


Little Leroy says to little
Tanisha, "Wanna play
Mummies and Daddies?"
"Sure," she replies
So he fucks off.


Australian Customs
Officer: AhhMs Guiffre,
welcome back to Australia
Virginia Giuffre : Thanks it's
good to be home.
Australian Customs
Officer: I hear you got a bit
of a windfall?
Virginia Giuffre : Yes I did.
£12 million pounds, with
my lawyer's fee at 25%,I
did OK.
Australian Customs
Officer: Good. Do you
have anything to declare?
Virginia Giuffre : Nothing
Australian Customs
Officer: Very well. Have a
good day. Oh and don't
forget this envelope
Virginia Giuffre : What's in it?
Australian Customs
Officer: Oh, it's just a tax
bill for 80% from Her
Majesties Australian Tax
Office.


Storm Franklin is about to
batter the UK.
The Met Office has said
we'll all be OK if we show
it some R. E. S. P. E. C. T and
say a little prayer.


Prince Andrew is praying
his mother survives Covid.
Till the cheque clears
anyway.


What's the difference
between the Queen and
Virginia Giuffre?
We know for sure that the
Queen got an infection
from a British prince.

[Bikkie]

Two birds (the winged type) in a field.
First bird: "Russia bad. Russia doing invasion."
Second bird: "Ukraine?"
First bird: "No. Me seagull."
.
I'll get my feathered coat...


Accordion to recent surveys, words replaced by musical instruments will often go unnoticed in a sentence.




What if Putin wrote the "Tarzan" stories...

"Me Rusher, you Crane."


Why do women take 5 to 7 working days to calm down ?



A Buckingham palace statement says that the Queen is still experiencing cold like symptoms

But I know for a fact that she's coughed up £12,000,000.



Procol Harum frontman Gary Brooker is quite a shade of pale now.



Say what you want about Russia .. but they went from no plans to invade Ukraine to Invading Ukraine in less than a day.
I would like to see any other country implement policy change that fast!



I believe in equality.

I'm so glad my drug dealer thinks the same.


Putin has been playing

'Back In The U.S.S.R.'



Sex education in the Ukraine:

Putin, withdraw!

[Piper]

Now I'm not saying the
Queen is thick but when
Andy said he had a 15
year old escort she asked
was it taxed and insured.


They're done a remake of
the old children's favourite
'The Queen's Nose.'
It's called 'The Prince's
Knob' and once again
when a young girl rubs it
she gets rich.


I just got a job as a
cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
It’s not the best job in the
world, but it gets me out
of the house.


I'm not saying that my son
in law is thick, but he’s
over the moon because
he's just been offered a
job in the local jewellery
shop cleaning bird shit out
of the cuckoo clocks.


You can never accuse an
adult midget of behaving
like a big kid.

[Piper]

FOR SALE.

Iron Curtain. In mint
condition.
Not used since 1989


So Ukraine has no nukes
who needs nuclear
weapons anyway its 2022.
This time round we can
send the women in 1st
especially if it's time of
the month they will quite
literally be 'ON' the front
line.


There's a new Broadway
musical in the making,
inspired by Russia's
invasion of Ukraine.
'Putin' On The Blitz 'Due
to take the stage this
spring.


Everybody seems to be
so concerned with what’s
happening in Ukraine at
The moment. For fuck‘s
sake, just calm down. I
mean, what’s the worst
that can happen?


Russian forces in Ukraine
have captured the former
nuclear power plant at
Chernobyl.
For the next few days
anyway.


Wow,
Forgot Putin was in the sugababes...
Then I remembered the tight gold hot pants,
skimpy top and the sexy tweaking to;
"push the button... push, push the button
baby"...


"Eurovision : Russia
allowed to compete in
song contest despite
invading Ukraine"
Their entry is Vladimir
Putin in singing a new
arrangement of the Queen
song "Don't Stop Me Now"

[Bikkie]

Vladimir Putin is 69.
His assets total £150 billion dollars.
He is now sitting in one of his 8 palaces.
He owns a £100 million yacht and a fleet of luxury cars.
He has countless mistresses young enough to be his granddaughter.

A Russian conscript is 18.
He earns 2,000 Rubles a month, equivalent to £17.50.
He is standing on a street corner not knowing when a Ukrainian is going to blow his head off.
He owns fuck all.
His family don't know if he's coming back.

Now which one is fucking nuts?



The scientific achievement of reaching the temperature of Absolute Zero has been achieved today somewhere in earth.

Inside of my wife's knickers




Two Praying Mantises in a pub at closing time:

'Another pint before we hit the road, mate?'

'Might as well. The wife's going to bite my head off when I get home anyway.'


This relentless onslaught by the superpower over the little guys is really hard to watch. However they’re still hanging on! Fair play Everton




The brave Ukrainian people standing in front of Russian tanks need to heed the Chinese proverb:

Man who try to stop Tank should know, vehicle without tyre, can still have flats.

Confucious.


"'Sad and desperate!' Ulrika Jonsson blasts 'wannabe' Cruz Beckham over 'provocative' snaps"

He isn't so sad and desperate that he'd shag an old cougar like her.




Sex is so stressful.

First you hide it from your parents.
Then you hide it from your kids.
Then you hide it from your wife.




After she gave me a blowy, I told my Paki girlfriend that I'm going to start calling her 'Magnum'.

'Is that because I'm cool, dark and sweet like the ice cream?', she smiled.

'No', I replied, 'Because you're so hairy it's like I'm getting sucked off by Tom Selleck.'



I was chatting up this lovely girl at the club last night, when I leaned in closer for a kiss.

She stopped me and winked, "Do you mind going somewhere a little more private?"

I said, "OK, take your panties off."




Heineken’s recent announcement of price increases for their lager means that they are still able to reach those parts of your wallet that other beers can’t.


The rain in Ukraine falls
mainly from the plane.




Wyayne Rooney has
offered his solidarity with
the Ukrainian people.
If there;s anything he
knows about,it's pulling
out of the Motherland.




Leeds United fans are the
luckiest in the league.
They see loads of goals
every game.




Phillip Schofield,
He's has been very upset
by the media he's been
getting all different
opinions....
But then he's got long
history of taking it the
wrong way.




Has nobody told Putin
that,"fighting for peace,"
is like fucking for virginity?




Cardi B speaking out
about the crisis in Ukraine.
Is as useless as Cardi B
speaking out about
anything...

[Piper]

News: Accounting firm
cuts ties with Trump.
And yet his ties are still 6
inches too long.


I think my cricket team
have Tourettes or
something.
Every time the ball goes
in the air everyone starts
yelling "cat shit"


Yesterday my wife told me
she's going to go out and
get a Footlong.
"Subway?"
"No, Jamal."


I'm no psychiatrist,
But judging by the size
and quantity of missiles he
needs to display , Putin
must have an
'Inny-willy...


What do kitchen knives
and dicks have in
common?
Black guys are always
eagerly shoving both in
people.


I'm trying to be a' new
man' around the house.
Today I filled the
dishwasher - Then came
all over her face!


Bradley Walsh : "Are you
going for the big offer?"

First contestant :

"Definitely not"

Bradley Walsh : "Why's
that?"

First contestant : "Cos
there are women in seats
two and four."


My girlfriend has a nasty
temper.
Last night I accidentally
spilled my energy drink all
over her sanitary towel.
She completely lost it!
Like 'a Red Bull to a rag'.

[Piper]

Few women admit their
age.
Few men act it...


My wife's nephew with
Downs loves KFC.
It's Window-lickin good.


The Irish Government
have decided to protest the
invasion of Ukraine.
All the casinos in the
Republic have been
instructed to ban Russian
Roulette.


Putin hitting the nuclear
button may be the stuff of
nightmares, but the dream
of running into the streets
and begging a stranger
for sex before the missile
hits, just inches closer to
reality every day.


I ordered a takeaway three
hours ago and I'm already
feeling like Vladimir Putin.
Like him, I've also been
waiting ages for the
fucking Chinese to turn up.


"Would Vladimir Putin
actually use nuclear
weapons?"
No way! Of course he
wou...