What's your sickest joke?

[husaberg]

…when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done.

President Trump
February 26, 2020

[Piper]

My ex-wife’s vagina is like
Ukraine.
A lot of men have invaded
it.


Prince Andrew falls to
second place behind P&O
in amount of discharged
seamen.


The P&O chairman sacked
employees with a video
call and looked extremely
Stern. Schooner or later
you will shore get your
just desserts for knot
being fair. Wanchor!


Breaking news
Several hundred semen
ejected by wankers in the
P&O boardroom.


UK naval admirals must
be getting old.
They have recently launched the
HMS Incontinence.


I've decided to enter
women's weightlifting
now that they're allowing
performance enhancing
testicles.


A big congrats to Richard
Levine on being this
year's "Woman of the
year," showing that men
are even better at being
women than actual
women"


The only way that women
can stop Trans men
dominating women's
sport is for all the women
to fold their arms after
the race, wait to be asked
"What's the matter?", and
reply "Nothing"
Then let nature take it’s
course.


Fuck Me! I didn't know
Stevie Wonder could drive
a Formula 1 car.
Is there no end to this
blind spook's talent?


I sold my Thomas the
Tank Engine train set for
less than I wanted at an
antiques toy fair today.
"You would've got more
money if that fat controller
wasn't missing." Said the
organiser.
"Yeah, you're right," I
replied, "she's good at
haggling."


If the "S" key breaks on my
keyboard, I have to get it
fixed immediately.
White House press
Secretary Jen Psaki.


My main hobby is the
Lovely tradition of brass
rubbing....
there's nothing as good
as getting tossed-off by a
prostitute in a church.


I could hear my wife say, "I
know you’re there, pick up
the phone.
I hate visiting day in prison.


The price of petrol is so
high.
That petrol stations
should have a champagne
room...


My mate has just come out
of prison after 35 years. I
was driving him home and
he looked out the window
and said, "at least petrols
still cheap, £1.65 a gallon.


My wife and and I were happy
for twenty years
Then we met....


Merseyside police
stumbled upon 56 drums
of petrol today. The
estimated street value
is over £12 million. The
drums were hidden in a
shipment of Venezuelan
cocaine.

[Bikkie]

White lives matter more.
We pay your welfare.



What do people with Alzheimer's never have?

A memorable experience.


Parents in Wales are no longer entitled to smack.
Great News!!
More class A drugs for the rest of us!!!



Smacking of children banned in Wales. They can still smoke the odd spliff though.





smacking kids is now illegal in Wales...I hope they don't make it illegal in England as you can't beat a little slap during a good shag



Serena Williams recently had something mentioned to her in an interview about the time she boasted about "she could beat a comparable man" in a battle-of-the-sexes tennis match, and she lost to 6-1 to the #203 ranked Karsten Braasch, an aging smoker who was also an alcoholic.

The Interviewer then asked WIlliams though how "she" would do against the #200 ranked men's player today, a guy called Noah Rubin, which Serena laughed off and said "I'm only focused on women's tennis"

"It's funny you should say that, because she's now called Noelle Rubin and you'll be up against 'her' next time."



I said to the wife I'd get one of those Numan kits to sort out my erectile dysfunction.

"No need," she replied, "I'm ok with our friends electric."

In 1966 in south-east Asia there was a bombing raid called Operation Rolling Thunder that wiped out a sugar processing plant and a toffee distribution centre.

And only 2 years after the book came out.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.



The law says you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden.

[Piper]

Went to the new wham
themed night club in town
last night aptly named
"Club Tropiana"
All that's missing is the c!
I know I know I will ####
off, coat's under my arm!
( credit Jeff Fenners soccer am )


JULY: We are at a time of
pandemic; don’t travel, and
don't even see immediate
family if you can avoid it.

MARCH : Please open
British homes to 150,000
immigrants with no police
check or known vaccine
status, it’ll be fine.


The name P&O now
describes their new
cheaper labour force
Pakis and Orientals...


Ukrainians remind me of
Americans.
Heavily armed and have
trouble speaking English.


It's funny how the
meaning of words change
throughout time.
Nigger used to mean a
black slave.
Now it means a criminal.


For the first time, Viagra
ads are now targeting
women.
But the women aren’t too
happy with Viagra’s new
slogan.
"Maybe It’s You."

[Bikkie]

Posters on the bedroom wall of Debbie Harry in the 70's are responsible for the release of an awful lot of underage semen but not as much as the Irish priesthood


A new law has been passed in Wales that prohibits the smacking of children.

Don't worry fellas, it doesn't mention anything about sheep 🐑

[Piper]

Whilst traditionally a Duke
is addressed as "Your
Grace."
Henceforth, The Duke of
York should be addressed
as "Your Disgrace"
( Debrett’s March 2020 )


Prince William seen in the west Indies
gyrating around using primitive tribal
movements and then eats some chocolate...
nothing Harry hasn't been doing for years now


The milk in my fridge has
a longer shelf life than
a Russian General in
Ukraine.


Florida governor reject Transgender
swimmers win.
Finally, someone who has balls actually using them.


I've just seen yet another
advertisement with Serena
Williams where they say
"The Queen is holding
Court"
I honestly can't wait until
some averageish male
tennis pro realises he can
do for his career what
Karsten Braasch did and
just put on a dress and
identify a woman and go
and absolutely humiliate
and crush her, and then
"he" really will be The
Queen.


Disappointed with the
level of depravity at your
local brothel?
Should've gone to Sex
Slavers.


I know just the thing for
fixing things in Parliament
A flamethrower

[Bikkie]

I always get my tinder profile written by an estate agent,
so they can overestimate the size of my penis....


My mate Dave was telling me he thinks he's got a curved penis.

Apparently he and his wife had a blazing row last night, she cut his cock off and threw it out the window.

I said, 'What's that got to do with it being curved?'

'It came back', he replied.


Thanks to everyone for their concern.
First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up.
If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money's gone, however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1.




Budget losers:
- Inflation to rise to 8.7%
- Universal credit to rise by only 3.1%

Budget winners:
- 5.6% real terms loss of income for the poorest and influx of Ukrainian refugees means that prostitutes will be 25% cheaper and better looking.


Jayz and Beyonce are having relationship problems, as she refuses to do anal!

If she liked it then she should've put her ring on it


Boris Johnson has said if China helps Russia in the war in Ukraine, there will be serious sanctions on China.

That's a bit like a blind man trying to swat a moth in the dark.




There are three English football clubs that contain swear words.

ARSEnal, sCUNThorpe and LiverFUCKINGpool..



What does Vanessa Carlton have in common with refugees?

She would walk a thousand miles.



I was watching an online video of an adorable Chinese girl singing a song in English:

"Low, low, low your boat
Gentry down the stleam
Melliry, melliry, melliry, melliry
Rife is but a dleam."

Or have we had enough generic Chinese accent jokes?


I can't believe the price of fuel these days!

Just paid £100 for a gram of coke



Every time I see a TO LET sign attached to a building, I want to paint an I between O and L to see how many people try to use it.



I'm seeking compensation for damage to my car at the local petrol station.

I've been to four courts so far.


Elton John once met my gay fucking son that wears the pink bunnysuit.

The big ginger faggot swooned, "Ooooh, I should have titled that song 'Let your son go down on me'."



My wife was awake when I accidentally wet the bed during my sleep.

She was annoyed because it was the most cum she'd ever seen.


When I was a lad I was once sent to a prison with this "Scared Straight" programme to try and keep someone like me out of trouble, which didn't work.

We got in there and this black inmate came right up in my face saying, "When you's locked in here, you is forced to drop the soap !... Now what do you have to say to that ?"

"Yeah, I get to go home tonight after we're done here scot-free and bang my girlfriend, and you're still fucking stuck in here as some bigger black guy's girlfriend," I laughed in his face as he could just do nothing.

[Piper]

As an overweight,
alcohol transvestite,
I like to eat, drink and be
Mary


Apparently 1 in 10 men
pays for sex, the other 9
just don't realise they pay
for sex.


I've now got that many
bumps on my cock that
I pulled a blind bird the
other day and when I got
it out she didn't know
whether to wank me off or
read it.


I've nicknamed the wife
San Marino.
Because she kicks off
every ten minutes.


Anti Vaxxer : A person
who isn't secretly shitting
themselves, every time
they read about yet
another sudden death.


Will Smith's marriage is
open to everything.
A part from jokes.


Phone rings...
"Hi, is that Emma
Watson?"
"Yes"
"Would you be willing
to prove that you are
a woman of your
convictions and not
an hypocritical, spoilt
petulant, ungrateful
backstabbing vindictive,
malicious arsehole, by
giving away every penny
you've gained off the back
of JK Rowling to charity?"
... click.


I saw a bloke carrying
a pint of carling! I said
" You're taking the piss. "


I went on a blind date the
other day. Then after that
we went and looked at
curtains instead.


Whats the difference
between Boris Johnson
and Freddie Mercury?
Freddie Mercury hung on
to his aids.


Have you seen Mick
Hucknall lately?
I bet he wishes he was
Holding Back the Years.


I guess the only option left
for Foo Fighters is to pull
a Revelation.
It's the opposite of the
Genesis, the drummer
leaves and the singer
replaces him.


Katie Price :
'Honestly, I see others
getting MBEs who’ve done
less than me, and I think
why not me?
Massive Bodily Entrances?


Kerry Katona flogging
used underwear for £5 as
she rakes in more cash on
Only Fans, more skidmarks
than Lewis Hamilton.


I was listening to a revised
version of Hello - Yes
the Adele song - and it
was great. I managed to
rub one out over Malinda
Kathleen Reese by the
time it had ended.


I was looking at some
pics of the cute model
Sofia Jirau last night, and
it certainly was not long
after that I was Flogging
the Hog.
I went and whipped
the wife around in the
bedroom a bit with some
black leather action.


Why does Noddy have a
bell on his hat?
Cause he's a cunt.
( Nod to Jimmy Carr )


What's the difference
between a black dad and a
boomerang? A boomerang
comes back.


Hu(man)
Per(son)
Fe(male)
Wo(man)
Dishwas(her)


The new Scottish sports
car is very good at
braking. It stops on a
dine. Then bends down
and picks it up.


The tank most used by
Russian forces is a fuel
tank.

[Bikkie]

What did the police find when they dusted Chris Rock’s face?

Fresh prints.


I was really shocked when I saw Will Smith slap that guy.

Don’t they usually throw poo?


The Fresh Prince of No Hair




I knew that jada Smith was a slapper, but Will?...


2012 headlines: “End white supremacy: we need more black faces at Hollywood awards”

2022 headlines: “Black-on-black violence at Oscars caused by systemic racism”

2032 headlines: “Only 17 shot dead at ‘mostly peaceful’ Oscars”




Will Smith's marriage is open to everything.

Apart from jokes.



It was just a joke, Will, keep your hair on!


Chris Rock sporting a nasty black eye and a fat lip today. Possibly



Statement from Chris Rock:

I would like to apologise to Jada for the insensitive joke where I referred to her as GI Jane in relation to her alopecia. Jada is a strong woman and despite this unfortunate setback, I know she will soldier on."


Good to see the Oscars finally tackle the subject matter of black on black crime.



It's lucky for Chris Rock that he's black.

If he'd been white Smith would have stabbed him, stolen his wallet and raped his wife.



Just heard that Will Smith slapped a comedian at the Oscars. They've got that wrong,he slapped Chris Rock.





'Will Smith Slaps Chris Rock at Oscars'

Now you know why you don't invite chimps to a posh dinner



'I got in one little fight and my Mom got scared,
I said, "Don't be telling jokes about my wife's lack of hair".'


Understandably, Chris Rock has decided not to do his routine about black people v niggers at the Oscars.


I nominate Nish Kumar to host next year's Oscars.

(Twitter)



nice to see will smith and his wife both making a pretty bald statement at the Oscars last night


Will Smith wins an Oscar?

Now there's a slap in the face.



Will Smith takes the Golden Globe for officially being THE MOST pussy whipped man in Hollywood just after Harold The Ginger and his Officer in Command/Spouse Megend Malarkey.




Did I hear that right Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the head because his wife is a Slap head?



What film did Will Smith win the Oscar for?
Was it “Men in Whack!”


2022 summed up: Seeing a black man violently assault another black man on live television, then logging on to Twitter to see why it’s all white men’s fault.



This is now the part where Will Smith's momma gets scared.


The reason Will Smith slapped with an open hand is because he knows paper always beats Rock.


So Will Smith punched Chris Rock at the Oscars.
I feel sorry for the three people that had to witness seeing that on live television.


Welcome to the Oscars.
Ladies and gentleman the "best slapper award goes to........"



Chris Rock is left gob smacked


Will Smith's got a Rocky marriage....



Will Smith hit host Chris Rock at the Oscars.

Let's hope Dwayne The Rock Johnson presents next year.



It should be all about a beautiful portrayal of a deaf family and another display of science fiction, but lo and behold...

It's been turned into a black on black crime.


I've seen the footage of Will Smith's slap and I really think he's sunk to a new low. Any lower and he'll hit rock bottom



Will Smith hit Chris Rock in the face after he joked about his wife's hair loss.

He thought, "I'll alopecia that."


Now we know why Will Smith’s mother moved him to Bel-Air.


I would've thought Will Smith was used to his wife getting roasted in front of him.



"Your wife fucks around with other men"
"Yeah, ok, that's fair"
"And her hair is shorter than usual"
"BITCH!"



Will Smith has just been charged with impersonating a white police officer.



Is it just me that find it hilarious? He won an Oscar nomination for playing Ali, one of history's greatest ever pugilists, but in real life he fights like a 4 year old girl in kindergarten


I'm no biologist but Will Smith hits like a girl.



Someone needs to tell Will Smith that Chris Rock didn't direct "Belfast"



he got into one little row about his wifes lack of hair
now he's living with his Oscar covered in tears in bel-air




Will Smith got it totally wrong, if you want to beat rock,you only need to hold your hand out.


Will Smith hit Chris Rock with an open hand because Paper beats Rock



In Will Smith's defence he did find a way to increase ratings at The Oscars.


I wonder if he'll have to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air?



Mike Tyson is going to star in a new movie;
'The Will Smith story'




Will smith needs to take a leaf out of wasps book, and learn how to joke about his bald ugly wife



����
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared she said "you can't slap Chris Rock 'cause your wife has no hair!"
����


Even after that brutal blow we still have to call Chris Rock the winner because his wife isn't fucking other dudes.

The Fresh Prince of Bell End


Will Smith's a pussy.

Proper nigger would've stabbed him.


Gonna call Will Smith paper now because he just beat Rock...


If jada smith doesn’t like jokes about alopecia well...
That’s hair loss


Think Will Smith thinks he is Dwayne Johnson.
Clearly tried to land "the people's elbow" rather than the Rock Bottom.



Terrible acting being highlighted at this year's Oscars.



Will Smith should be thanking his lucky stars right now for his Black Privilege and that he's not a lowly white.




Was watching 'The Shawshank Redemption' last night.

It's weird how Andy spends his days getting bummed, and happens to escape by tunnelling into somebody else's shit pipe.

[Piper]

I think we're all thinking
the same thing "I wonder
what Ricky Gervais would
have said about her hair?"



Will Smith slapped Chris
Rock's face at the Oscars
after he joked about Jada
Pinkett Smith's skanky
head.
Adam Sandler
commented, "It's a shame
they couldn't act like
Grown ups."


The first same sex
marriage took place on
this dry in 2014.
For those of you confused
about the concept : it's like
normal marriage, but with
regular blowjobs, anal as
standard and definitely no
arguments about who left
the toilet seat up.

[Bikkie]

Apparently Gloucestershire is the most gender neutral county in Britain.

I had my money on Middlesex.



Black Wives Matter...

Can't jada Smith fight her own battles? She is a fucking skinhead after all



Apparently Will Smith isn't the only slapper in his relationship.

I'm not surprised Chris Rock is making up with Will Smith..

He probably wants his wallet back..



1998 - '...and the Oscar goes to... Good Will Hunting!'

2022 - '...and the Oscar goes to... Bad Will Punching!'



Chris Rock missed the chance to embellish his joke with GI Jane’s memorable line “Suck my dick!”




"Keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth!"

But I can keep fucking your wife's mouth, right?



All I am saying is can you imagine if a Honky smacked a coon at the Oscar’s



To all those who complained about the lack of diversity in the Oscars,
Black enough now for you ..hmmm?


Quinten was looking forward to this year's Oscars.

He heard that Will Smith got up on stage and spanked a black knob.

Ooooohhhhhh.


Begining to think after all these years...

Maybe Will Smiths fight he got into back in West Philadelphia, was HIS fault and moving him was to protect him from hitting Rock bottom

In 1996, Will Smith punched an alien in "Independence Day"

In 2022, Will Smith punches Chris Rock to defend his bald wife that looks like an alien.




A locksmith works with locks, and a gunsmith works with guns...
Well, a black Smith won't be working with blacks for a while.


Ironic how Will Smith's Oscar is bald...



Making up up just 10% of the nominations, black people accounted for 100% of the violence at The Oscars...



There once was a comic named Rock,
Who took the piss out of a bald in a frock,
Her husband took umbrage
And became a slapper for her sufferage,
Although he didn't mind her riding some other bloke's cock.


So Will Smith's gone all the way from The Fresh Prince to the Oscars, and he's still got to be gettin' niggy wit it.




One thing none of us knew before this week, is that Oscar nominees get frisked on their way in.


Proof that the Academy Awards has completely lost its way.

Will Smith receiving an Oscar after acting badly.



The Academy is strongly considering revoking Will Smith's Oscar for violating their code of conduct policy.

Wow, that would be a slap in the face...



I got in one little laugh, and my wife got mad, so I said "don't be making jokes about my wife lacking hair!"


Will Smith next movie is a sequel.

HandRock


The roleplay in Jada smiths sex life must be amazing, Everytime Will Smith hits her from the back he pretends shes Vin Diesel


Will Smith hit #MeToo

(Jussie Smollet)






I don't think Jada will be invited to next year's Oscars.

It's not unusual for a nigger to steal things, but her shiny bald head stole all the limelight.


Slap for a slap head

Sounds fair play to me




Thanks to Will Smith fight club now has another rule!






Pretty women are like classic Italian supercars.
Nice to look at and fantasise about, great to hammer someone else's, or even to "Rent" one for a few hours of fun.
But as soon as you commit to keeping one of your own, you quickly realise that they're temperamental, need constant attention, full of serious issues that were well hidden until you got it home, and are so often financially ruining.
Once you can no longer afford to maintain it, it's usually tarted up and moved on to suck the money out of the next unfortunate guy too !




Grandma says her joints are stiff.
I told her she's rolling them too tight.




The Queen has controversially chosen Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh.

Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.


Something for the conspiracy theorists out there:

If the world is really controlled by an über rich reptilian race...
Why aren't they trying to stop fossil fuel production?
I mean, wouldn't drilling for oil as a means of profit kind of be like grave robbery?




My wife left me because she couldn't put up with my depression.

Which cheered me right up.

[Piper]

Today's news is all about
Will Smith.
A Nigger committing
felony assault... I don't see
how that's news.


I'm surprised Will Smith
punched Chris Rock.
Usually black men shoot
each other.


Getting wiggy with it


Mike Tyson has been
announced as the host
of next year's Oscar's
ceremony


I've just recovered from
Will Smith's Oscars party.
What a bash.


What kind of racist
are you, the type who
thinks punching a black
man in the face should
go unpunished or the
type who thinks Will
Smith should have been
arrested?


Who won the Oscar for
"Best Slap Stick Comedy"
this year?


"Chris Rock made jokes
about my wife, so he paid
the price! No one talks
about my wife like that!"
"But Will! I heard Mike
Tyson make the same
jokes!"
"That's his business"


Ho got into one little fight
And his mom got scared
He said dont talk crap
About my wife with no hair


I've modernised Rock
Paper, Scissors to play
with kids. It's called
Spears, Brown, Rihanna.
Rihanna beats Britney
Spears
Spears beats Brown
Chris Brown beats
Rihanna.


Apparently Will Smith isn't
the only slapper in his
relationship.

[Piper]

Alec, the actor who shot
Halyna Hutchins dead is
to be a dad again.
Will Smith slapped Chris
Rock at the Oscars for
Joking about his wife's
hair loss.
That's two bald wins in
one week.


Alec Baldwin's wife is
pregnant. Evidence that he
was not firing blanks.


Alec Baldwin and his wife
are expecting a
child.
If there's one thing he's
good at, it's shooting
into women.


Hickory dickory dock!
My wife's avoids my cock!
She's losing her hair
And having an affair
So I had to slap Chris
Rock!


Black on black violence,
now live on TV.


Los Angeles Police Radio
Report just in 'Zulu Zulu
Oscar Tangoed'


Fresh Prince of belled.


Will Smith has now been
told much to his horror
that he could be treated
like a white guy over this
slapping incident of a
black man.
Evidence of his inner
whitey has been pointed
to such as his selling-out
for films such as
'Wild Wild West' and 'The
Pursuit of Happyness, `
and Eminem has pointed
out that Smith never
cursed in his cheesy rap.


Neil Young just took his
music off Will Smth's
phone.


I'll assume that because
Will Smith's black, his dad
wasn't there to teach him
how to punch properly!


What's the best way to
avoid public humiliation?
I don't know... but it's
probably not be slapping
the host of a show in front
of millions of people.


Will Smith is standing
outside of Jada's
bedroom when the bald
fucker is in there with her
male lover
"I better not hear any
fucking jokes in there!



Will Smith assaults Chris
Rock that some speculate
he did to undo his
humiliation and reclaim
his manhood.
I certainly don't blame the
Fresh Prince, he looked
like a proper faggot
singing as the faggoty
blue genie in "Aladdin"


Chris Rock vs Will Smith.
Like two bald men fighting
over a comb.


My town is a lot like the
Oscars.
Its gone from being a nice
civilised place to a violent
ghetto since certain
people were allowed in.

[Piper]

I woke up in the hospital
this morning, and
asked the Doctor, "What
happened?"
"Well" he said, "You were
in a coma for three years.
We are now competing
in women's sport, we've
spent the last two years
battling a mutant bat
virus, inflation is running
at 7% and we're on the
brink of world war 3"
"Shit" I said, "What date is
It?"
"April 1st" he replied
"Haha haha, you had me
there for a second"

[Bikkie]

When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out,
"You'll be OK, just kick his balls."
So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the bollocks, dropping it to the ground.
"No, no!" she shouted, "The ones on the front garden"

"Dad, how did you and mum pick my name?"
"Well love, often parents name a child after the place it was conceived, like Paris, Chelsea etc."
"That makes sense Dad, so I'm named after the Italian Ski Resort of Cortina?"
"Eh, yeah, yeah that's it, the Ski Resort."


Will Smith defending Jada Pinkett Smith's honour, is like me defending my wife's Mastermind trophies...



"Parents often name their children after expensive things, like Porsche, Saffron and Mecedes. Next year, look out for Electric, Gas and Petrol."

"Diesel never catch on."

Katie price shows off her big ring.

Too much anal sex you thick slag.



I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.



You know what they say about people who stick their genitals in fruit..
They come in pairs



Katie Price has had so many tit jobs, she's selling her old bras.

Perfect as garden hammocks for twins.


I've finally decided what I want engraved on my tombstone.

'If you're reading this, please pop over to my house and feed the cat.'




Some idiot vegan gave me a line of coke then started lecturing me on how animals shouldn't have to be murdered in order to fulfill selfish humans' appetites.

I said "a bit like how South American kids get murdered every day to bring you this coke"

Never seen a vegan shut the fuck up so quick



An MP called Warburton is pictured with cocaine on a baking tray.
Once again, a joke that just writes itself.



Showbiz news:

'New Will Smith movies shelved following Oscars slap.'

Bet he wishes the producers of Men in Black had let him keep that memory-erasing wand now.



An MP called Warburton is pictured with cocaine on a baking tray.
Once again, a joke that just writes itself.


If Jada Pinkett Smith has alopecia.

Does that mean she’s bald downstairs, too?



What's the difference between the Camelot lottery group and Manchester United?

Every now and again, Camelot will have a win after so many draws.









David Warburton has had the whip removed.
However, he found the time to snort coke off the ass of the prossie he was about to use it on.


Driver crashes new Ferrari after driving it less than two miles.

I have no sympathy for people with big enough egos to buy a Ferrari, id much rather drive a ford on the way to my yacht.

Germany get there gas cut off shame it wasn't 1942


Small time drug dealers will have to pack in growing cannabis ....

The leccy bills will be higher than their punters




What has my penis and will smiths hand got in common?

I often use it to slap black pussies



Some Anagrams relating to Will Smith/Chris Rock incident, Will Smith full name is Willard Carroll Smith = Willard Collars Mirth! Christopher Rock = Shtick Error Chop! Another one for Chris Rock is 'His Crotch Porker'!


How can you tell Lewis Hamilton doesn't have kids?

The annoying prick's still around.


Arnold Schwarzenegger likes to help around the house, he put a load in the dishwasher.
Nod to Bill Maher


What's the difference between Will Smith and my penis?

My penis sometimes has a mind of its own



Transgender cyclist Emily Bridges says she has been "demonised".

Surely that should read "demanised"?


All these cheating trans people in sports.

Especially darts. They don't even try to hide their breasts.


Ed Sheeran concert for Ukraine.... have these people not suffered enough!


What's the difference between Hunter Biden and Superman?

Kryptonite can take down Superman.



Q. Who has survived more bombs than a Ukrainian city?

1. Nicolas Cage
2. Mr. Bean
3. Bruce Willis
4. Eddie Murphy
5. Johnny Depp

A. Since they still make millions per picture for doing fuck all, the answer is "All of the above."



Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."
" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."


I was in a bar in Glasgow and asked the barman for a large Glenfiddich. He said he'd bring it over to my table. 5 minutes later Alex Salmond turned up. I said "excuse me I ordered a large scotch".



I check my GRE score.
404，not bad.
but I dont know what meaning is "not found" behind.




In a recent series of revelations that are at a level never openly admitted-to before, Disney says that they are blatantly working in LGBTQ "Queerness messaging" into all it's films, and also that going forward at least half of it's major animated characters will be markedly LGBTQIAK++++

This means that of all of Pinnochio, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Aladdin, Simba, Goofy, Flounder, Donald Duck, etc,; at least half of these will take it up the arse.




The Queen has controversially chosen Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh.

Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.