What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

What does Vanessa
Carlton have in common
with refugees?
She would walk a
thousand miles.


I like my whiskey... 90 year
old and kept in a barrel.
Only joking 18 year old
and full of coke.


People are similar to
sharks.
All the Great ones are
White.


In nature, some reptiles
and animals have brightly
coloured skin or fur as a
way to show all round
that they're violently
toxic..... This got me
wondering if that could
explain why women seem
to get a fascination with
using vivid coloured hair
dyes and covering their
bodies in tattoos when
they start to fill up on that
poisonous feminist bile?


I tell women that I'm
responsible for a large
team of Web developers.
I find it gets better
reception that saying I live
in a bedsit with a spider
infestation.


Tom: "Excuse me, can I
ask you which month you
were born?"

Dave: "May"

Tom: "I'm sorry, May I
ask you which month you
were born?"


I have sex like I play poker.
All in after the flop.


Don't cry over split milk! I'd
like to meet the cunt who
said that.
Because when I was a boy,
I split boiling hot milk on
my genitals and I cried for
fucking ages.

[Piper]

Unlike the mens cricket
team today, Dot Cotton
has had a good innings.


You can't blame Will
Smith, he was caught
between a rock and a hard
face.


Anyone know when the
next season of WW3
is due to start, the last
series ended on quite an
anticlimax.


The 'no-fault divorce'
comes into force
TOMORROW for couples
who want to split
amicably.
My wife is waiting for the
'his-fault' divorce law for
couples who want to split
amicably.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between June Brown and
Freddie Mercury?
It wasn't the fags that
killed June.


June Brown will be
cremated next week.
That'll be her last smoke.


Good on June Brown
I'd would love to live up to
95 years of age sucking
on 60 fags

Oooooooooh..



Ireland putting a Bounty
on Putin's head and if that
doesn't work they will put
a Mars bar and a Twix
as well.


You know new cars have
that lovely "new car"
smell.
Do Tesla's come with the
smell of Elon Musk?


I saw a video on Youtube
where Will Smith
unknowingly mocked
an alopecia sufferer on
American television in
1991
It was literal bald
hypocrisy.

[Bikkie]

Some dodgy tranny came in to my shop earlier, and paid for his shopping with a crisp £50 note.

I inspected it and said "I'm sorry I don't accept counterfeits in my shop"

He said "I can assure you that note is legal tender"

I said "I was talking about your gender, now fuck off and don't come back"



Personally if I was married to Jada Pinkett I'd insist on an open marriage as well.

Must be like shagging Thierry Henry.



Year 2000: "Do you know the sex yet"?

Year 2022: "Have you decided the gender yet"?



Made a planter from an old used tyre.

A Goodyear for the roses.



I went on a date with a blonde last night and she mentioned that she enjoyed running marathons.

"Oh" i said "so what position do you usually come in?". She paused to think about it and then said "missionary most of the time, but you have to put the work in"



Judge rules Ed Sheeran's hit Shape of You was NOT a copy of Grime artist's track.

Pretty obvious to me. The Grime track was a good song.



This push to ‘Save the Planet’ has getting ridiculous:

Net Zero by 2035 will certainly not help the fishing industry.


A smile is contagious....

But chlamydia even more so.




I was at the gym last night and I noticed all the girls wiping down the equipment with sanitizer, so I confronted one of them.

I said, 'I hate all this, these unnecessary precautions, I wish things could go back the way they were.'

'We know', she replied, 'But it's better to be safe than sorry. . . if management catch you sniffing all our fanny and arse sweat off the machines again, you'll be banned.'



All men that are transitioning to women should NOT remove their cocks.

That way, when they start banging on about being a real woman, they can go fuck themselves.




Think I perturbed my dentist when I brought my own cocaine....


Max the Blacksmith called into the butcher's to buy his daily tomahawk steak. When asked for payment he tendered a steel facsimile of a £50.00 note and commented "It's fresh off the anvil and still warm!"

The butcher replied "For fucks sake Max, how many times do I have to tell you? No forged currency!!"





It's cheat day today, so for dessert I'll be having my wife's sister.


I told my wife about the big lottery win and that I'd be retiring from work

She said "I'm going to retire as well". I replied "Fuck me, you won as well".



Boris Johnson has said that transgender athletes may compete in sports like cycling or shooting but not sports that include balls



I bought a packet of those Islamic Party Balloons. They blow themselves up.



I wanted to surprise the wife by getting her most treasured possession rejuvenated at The Repair Shop.

Small tip, they don't do vibrators.



It is estimated that over 70 % of women have used vibrators
The other 30 % buy new ones !





True story:

My grandads biggest worry about being diagnosed with dementia isnt that he might not remember his family one day, but that he's gonna forget all of his black jokes.



My girlfriend said she dreamt I bought her a large diamond ring.

She asked, "What do you think it means?"

I replied, "You'll find out tonight."

I hope she likes the library book, How to Interpret Dreams.

Which pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/She


The reason why you hear so many women today complain about short men, and express very strong preferences for height, is because most women today are obese.

She wants to feel small next to you, and that's impossible if you are 5'8" you weigh the same.

Men don't need to be taller, women need to be fitter.


I went to a christening the other day and the priest said there was a car in the bible.
Apparently all the disciples were in one accord.

I'll get my coat...




My friends warned me that my fiance was a gold digger and I believe they're right.

She tried to make me sign a prenuptial agreement the other day, which declared she would get everything if we split.

I point blank refused and in anger she bent me over and tried to shove it up my arse.

I knew she couldn't wait to get her clause into me.


My ex was a great housekeeper.

When we got divorced, she kept the house.

I was just hanging out by the vending machines @ work yesterday.

I said to the attractive girl I told you about I had been waiting for to come by - "Yes, I know full well my fly is unzipped."


Why did Luke Skywalker have a glass of water?

Because his urine was a little on the dark side.

This isn't the downvote button you're looking for...



So it seems the incident with Will Smith and Chris Rock was a case of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time.

When Jada told Will he should do something he told her it was only a joke and to keep her hair on.
It escalated from there.



People are like clouds.

Everyone prefers the white ones.



If Jada Pinkett Smith has alopecia.

Does that mean she’s bald downstairs, too?



My wife is such a hypocrite.

When our son returns home with the police after being missing the whole night, it's all hugs and kisses and relief.

When I do the same thing, I get slapped and yelled at.



"I'll give you ten quid."

"Pardon?"

"Ok, twenty."

"You must think I'm stupid."

"Fine. My final offer, £50, take it or leave it."

"Sir...you filled your car with diesel, that's £82 please."

[Piper]

For every bloke who fails
at life there is usually a
woman somewhere with a
free house.


If you were doing a
William Tell re-enactment
with Queer Starmer....
Would any1 believe you
missed the apple with the
crossbow by accident?


Is a piece of sandpaper a
form of braille hate mail?


Some women have
penises! say trans rights
groups
If that's true how come my
'Man boobs' wont get me
into the Ladies loos.


I reckon the person who
put the Clit in Clitheroe
also put the cunt in
Scunthorpe.


You know women are
genetically programmed
to blame everything on
the male species when
menopause starts with
those three letters..


Gay Pride or Gape Ride?

[Piper]

Drug dealer charged with
possession with intent to
supply after his car breaks
down on the motorway
with £420K of cocaine in
the boot.
If they'd hired Keith
Richards as the driver the
court would probably have
believed the 'for personal
use' angle!


As annoying feminists
go Meghan Markle is
definitely an attractive
one;
As a man's rights activist I
have bravely glued myself
to Prince Harry's penis...

[Piper]

Fresh footage of Cristiano
Ronaldo smashing a
phone out of a fan's hand.
The lad is now Hands-free.


Will Smith banned from
Oscars and Academy
events for 10 years
after 'unaccessible and
harmful' Chris Rock slap
Smith will return in ten
years time with a movie
about slappers.


Mike Tyson : Punch power
1800 psi ( multiple titles )
Muhammad Ali : Punch
power 1643 psi ( multiple
titles.)
Tyson Fury : Punch power
1711 psi ( multiple titles )
Will Smith :slap power
0.0087 ounces ( Banned
from the Oscars for ten
years )
The Black power struggle
continues...


The Ukraine entry into
Eurovision should do
really well this year.
It's got Nick Mason and
Dave Gilmour playing on
it.


The first Pink Floyd
single in nearly 30 years,
'Hey Hey Rise Up', is a call
to end the long-running
animosity and hatred
between Russia and
Ukraine.
The B side is called Roger
Waters is Still a Dick.


On hearing the Queen
won't be attending next
week's ceremony due
to health reasons, Bob
Geldof has written a
special tribute song.
Next week sees the
release of..
I Don't Like Maundys
( coat going on)


Woman horse racers are
all the rage and winning
now. It's because randy
Irish midgets are getting
the horn and can't stop
staring at their arses.

[Bikkie]

What do you call a transgender whale?

Maybe Dick


What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The Head Nurse.


What do you call a Shanghai resident who ransacks shops?
Lu Ting.

(Surely we must be running out of coats...)



Where was will smiths backbone when his wifes pussy and tits were in someone's fucking mouth?


Breaking News: Scientists have discovered that being a 'strong independent woman' and being an obnoxious loudmouth, are in fact, not the same thing



13 is the new 20.

I'm talking about room temperature, you perverts.




Everything I know about women I learned from pubs

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.



Update on Loch Ness monster being a whale's penis, the authorities have sent down four skin divers to investigate.

“We will, we will rock you!”


Awe inspiring lyrics when sung by Freddie Mercury.

A terrifying sentence handed down by a Saudi judge to a whore.



The England football team are playing with no names on the back of their shirts to raise awareness for dementia sufferers.

The commentary's going to sound like a round of Bingo.



Boris Johnson and Rishi Sunak to be fined over lockdown parties.

Their accountants will be busy claiming it back for legitimate business expenses. Cunts.



I've applied for a job hanging mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.



Boris Johnson fined for breaking lockdown rules... Fuck me I've been in more trouble for driving in a bus lane and in my defense I didn't know my car wasn't a bus




I mentioned to someone that I'm fucking sick of organised acting casting all the iconic white roles with black guys, like Stallone's replacement for the new "Rambo".

Sambo


I've only just realised that Jada Pinkett-Smith is a massive fan of weightlifting and tropical birds.

She's recently got to grips with a lovely smooth snatch - and in the past she's been known to enjoy a cockatoo.



BREAKING NEWS:
"Blackheath area of London hit by civil disorder and a possible stabbing"

I think the clue's in the name of the area!


I never have trouble packing all my holiday clothes into my suitcase.

Mind you, I am a nudist.


I phoned my boss one morning and said, 'Sorry, but I'm not going to make it in today. My old man's not well at all, he's gone a really worrying colour.'

He replied, 'Oh, sorry to hear that. Take as long as you need off, and I'll see you when I see you.'

I returned to work a week later and my boss said, 'How's your old man doing now?'

I replied, 'Just fine. That ointment they gave me at the free clinic really did the trick.'




I'm trying to buy a bag online but I'm confused.

There's an option to 'add to bag' but it has all the pockets and handles I need.

I also can't see anything when I try to checkout.



Crispin Blunt, MP for Reigate since 1997 and chair of the all-party parliamentary group on LGBTQ+ rights. It's all in the name...



Having gender reassignment surgery is such a dick move.


When it comes to the pandemic, my dyslexic mate will only take advice from his sisters daughters.

He's following the nieces



I record & classify the history of my marriage in two distinct periods;
'B.C' (better chance of c*ck sucking) and;
'A.D' (Anal?...definitely NOT!) ..



Abdul next door wears the traditional Muslim costume.

Blue Adidas hoodie, tracksuit bottoms, trainers, gold bling bling...


Some women have penises! Say trans rights groups.

I don't know about that but we know some men are cunts.Say women's rights groups.




The wife said to me 'why are you still with me'?
I said 'until Jenifer Aniston comes to her senses I'm stuck with you'.




My wife said - "You never take me seriously!"

So I made sure I kept a straight face the next time I did her up the arse.



I'm sitting in my garage with a can of spray paint. Saying to it, "you will never amount to anything. You are useless and your life is meaningless. You are the worst can I have ever seen..."
Well, it does say 'depress nozzle after use'.


Prince Harry has said how thankful he and Meghan are for the $150 million filmmaking budget granted to them from Netflix so they can tell "Real Stories."

"I could never get a real job, it would fucking kill me."

[Piper]

The Brazilian army have
Apparently been supplied
with 35,000 viagra tablets.
This must make them one
of the hardest armies in
the world.


Brazil's government has
approved an order for
35,000 viagra pills for
their armed forces.
This wasn't a hard
decision, as they need to
improve their shooting.


The Washington Redskins
should change their
name to the 'Washington
Foreskins' in recognition
to all the dickheads in our
nations capital.


I'm all in favour of "Don't
Say Gay."
I much prefer to use the
terms Faggot, Cocksucker,
Arse-Pirate, etc...


Last night I had teeth
Marks all up and down my
cock, if you know what I
mean!
My fat wife tried to
fucking eat it again
thinking it's a Little Vienna
sausage.


What's 80 year old pussy
taste like?
Depends!


"Hi, I'm Jada Pinkett-Smith,
but enough about me, how
was your day"?
And that concludes this
weeks edition of Things
Never said in The History
of Mankind.


I wonder if Nan Solo had
a much cooler brother
named Drum.

[Piper]

Alpacin Caffeine shampoo
-'German engineering for
your hair!'
Anybody else concerned
about trusting German
shower products?


Claiming to be a strong
woman and getting upset
at a joke
Is like Ted Bundy claiming
to be a femnist.

[Bikkie]

Pakis listen to Sony.
Niggers prefer Panasonic.
Wops like Bang and Olufsen.
Chinks go for Sanyo.
They're all just racial stereotypes.


nod to olekunt.


I can't believe I got discharged from the Navy, all because I was 2 seconds late during a 21 gun salute.
That's bang out of order.


Went to the optometrist last week, he looked in my eyes and asked have you had any problem with floaters? I said well last week there were a couple that were hard to flush, but I don't see how that's any of your business

I'm suing Ed sheeran Why, did he copy one of your songs? No, every time I hear him on the radio I smash my head against a wall, and now I have brain damage



The Oscars have finally apologised for their tardiness in reacting to the Will Smith striking situation. "Had one of the involved parties been white, we'd have been able to react instantly to say which side is in the wrong."



Oh no, I'm late for the climate change conference! I'd better burn rubber.






I asked my wife if she'd like have sex. She got my car keys and started rubbing them over me. I think she was just fobbing me off.


Most people who get a Twitter ban usually have a moan about it then start a new account.

Not Elon Musk. He just buys the fucking thing.


Most people who get a Twitter ban usually have a moan about it then start a new account.

Not Elon Musk. He just buys the fucking thing.

[Bikkie]

At Windsor the Queen said; "Rich tea biscuits"?
And Meghan replied: "No, I'm fine nibbling on these ginger nuts"....





I see Yoko Ono has a daughter who sells Japanese dresses.

Kim.

A bloke and his young lad were on an aeroplane when the pilot came over the tannoy and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are running out of fuel and losing altitude and may crash. We need to lose some weight from the plane, so could you all throw out your excess food and drinks?”
Everyone got rid of their food and drink.
The pilot then announced, “Sorry folks, we are still losing altitude so can you all please throw out your excess luggage?”
They all chucked out their hand luggage.
A moment later the pilot announced, “Sorry folks, we are still losing altitude so I’m afraid we must lose some passengers. However, I’ve devised a very fair system. We will do this alphabetically. So…. Any Africans aboard, please jump out.”
Nobody jumped out.
“Ok, all blacks, please jump out!”
Still, nobody jumped out.
The pilot then said, “All coons, please jump out!” At this point the young lad said to his Dad, ‘Dad, Dad, we are coons aren’t we Dad?’ His Dad replied, “Son, shut the fuck up. Today, we are wogs!”




Bonnie Tyler, to be honest, I would get her to;
" Turn around, every time..."


What women say: I like a man who can show his emotions

What that really means: I love seeing a man upset




The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor, William Michael Griffen saw a great-white swimming towards him and, in sheer panic, tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.



Putin's got some true wonder weapons;
His flagship 'Moskva' instantly turned from battleship to submarine.

The hapless Prince Harry and the witch Megan make a whistlestop
visit to the UK to see her Majesty.

A) To make sure she was still alive as he may not get another chance and
B) To get more material for his next, no holds barred, book on the Royals.
(Available at all good book stores)



If my sex life were a star wars character it would be hands solo



Meghan Markle was auditioning for the 'Queen Role' but she blew-it.....
(the wrong brother's c*ck).

[Bikkie]

Three tonnes of cocaine has been found in the fuel tank of a fishing boat in the Canary Islands.

In his defence, the skipper said it was cheaper than filling it with petrol.



What do you call an invisible black guy?

Daddy



The PC Answer to Life
A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’ The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Zoom. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ……
you got male



Mental health experts are now recommending that children start being screened for anxiety when they're eight years-old.

Because it can be pretty stressful down at the iPhone factory.

I'm sick of all these remakes of classic TV shows where they replace all the characters with black actors.

Look at what they've done with the new 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air' -

They're all niggers.



Elon Musk built electric cars and is going to Mars. Why's he even involving himself with Twitter?

It'll be like if an English prince gave it all up just to marry an actress from Suits...

Google Earth has released a new feature that allows people to see a time-lapse of how their neighbourhood has changed over the last forty years.

"Don't remind me..." said my grandpa.



Five people have been arrested after 3 tonnes of cocaine was seized on a fishing boat in the Canary Islands.

That's one way of getting them hooked.



Manchester United's defence has more holes in it than a Russian battleship.



Elon Musk offered to buy Twitter for over $40 billion so as to loosen its free-speech rules.

That's how badly white people wanna use the N-word.



To the tune of "Rasputin" by Boney M

There was a certain man banned from Russia yesterday.
He was big and fat with his hair going every way.
Some people look at him as a complete and total tit.
But to London chicks, he’s the father of their kid.

He would treat the lockdown like a party
Full of ecstasy and booze.
But he thought he was a little smarty.
So, he didn’t think he’d lose.



My parents are 114.29% Russian.

Russ & Sian.

Nod to whoever started these



Twitter executive - "Elon Musk wants to control what people know and what people think...."

"He can fuck right off," she continued, "That's already our job."





Missy Elliott has been doing some charity work, giving Maize to the poor at no cost.
She was last seen walking down the street shouting....
"Get your free corn! Get you free corn!"




What do you call a Shanghai resident who ransacks shops?
Lu Ting.

(Surely we must be running out of coats...)



When I started licking my girlfriend's pussy, it got pissed off and scratched me.



What women say: I like a man who can show his emotions

What that really means: I love seeing a man upset



Where was will smiths backbone when his wifes pussy and tits were in someone's fucking mouth?




Really struggling to find a slot at the local trans-woman clinic.


Dear Sir,

I fucking hate petty conning bastards who take advantage of your gullibility and also your money. Never again will I use online bargain sites. £50 for a guaranteed penis enlarger and all I got was a magnifying glass.

Dick Little.

Small Hampton.
The Netflix show Jimmy Savile: A British Horror Story.

Missed a Golden opportunity.

Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter & Rolf Harris walk into a bar.

And then walked straight out as they don't serve children...


My wife looks like a French.

Sadly, it's a fatter version of Dawn French.

[Piper]

Vegans get offended
when you use the words
"beat your meat"
Me too, I often call vegans
a bunch of wankers.


I've started dating a girl
who's doing a master's
degree in literature.
She asked me the other
night what I thought about
Poe.
I told her I was a big fan of
his early work, but I must
say my favourite is now
Tinky Winky.


Hoe White And The Seven
Dwarfs.
Stabby, Thievey, Junkie,
Lazy, Dealy, Rapey and
Bangbangy.
Let’s see Disney make this
fucker.


Just got a new job as an
executioner in London,
got my new axe so I will
Beheading there soon.


My friend is half black
He's dad stuck around.


My cousin is 100 % a
Russian nigger
Russ Ian Black


The Oscars have finally
opologised for their
tardiness in reacting to
the Will Smith striking
situation.
"Had one of the involved
parties been white, we'd
have been able to react
instantly to say which side
is in the wrong."


What's that plate-like
thing they throw at the
Olympics?
Discuss.


I talked some shit in
"Diversity Training" when
we had this yet again and
the lady doing it looked
at me and said, "someone
like you is looking down
rather than up with the
problems you have...
You hate your neighbour
or someone of another
race or gender, when
in reality you should be
looking up at the force like a
greedy corporation that is
dividing you!"
"Great, so we can talk
about woke Disney
becoming all LGBTQ?"
"Get the fuck out."


I've got the physique of an
athlete.
Unfortunately I'm talking
about that of a 1970's
darts player...


What do you call an indian
cleaner?
dustingh
(. anybody seen my coat )


Loch Ness Monster
theory suggests
Nessie could actually
be a whale's penis.
I always thought
it was a load of
bollocks so I was half
way there.


Life's not just all about
laughter and joy there also
has to be tears,
( especially if sand gets
into your Vaseline )

[Piper]

Apple's Pregnant Man
Emoji is officially available
today in every skin colour.
This way people of all
races can show the world
they failed biology.


Quinten Crisp always
drinks gaviscon, he
doesn't get heartburn
though, he just likes the
thought of a fireman being
inside him
Oooooooohhh


Reports have come in that
Gary Glitter was in talks
in the 80s to join popular
group The Village People.
Negotiations broke down
once it was established
there wasn't a costume
available for a miner.


Apparently Liam Gallagher
would rather be in a
wheelchair than face
the "Stigma" of having a
Double Hip operation, Well
he's just going to have to
Roll with it.


Is it me, or are all
gays fucking arseholes?