What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

NeWater Brewery in Singapore is turning recycled urine into beer, unlike Fosters who have been doing it the other way around for years.



I got stoned and I missed it.
Having Muslim neighbors sure does make the neighborhood more exciting.



'...SCREW with yourself when old and suffering from Alzheimer's by hanging a Batman costume in your wardrobe NOW!'

If drawing cartoon pictures of Muhammad would get me killed, would making a live action movie start a war??


Her: The ratio of beautiful women to good-looking men is a disgrace!

Me: The tables turn dramatically after 35. I don't make the rules.



My Mother went out a few weeks ago and had a pint of Inch's cider and said it was amazing.

Going on her comments I bought a four pack for when my Father came over the other night. I managed one can as did my Father as it wasn't great to be honest. So earlier today I gave my Mother a couple of Inch's.



Boris Johnson: There were no lockdown parties in No. 10, only special celebratory operations.



There are a growing number of nuns joining TikTok to show what life in a convent's really like.

Because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with the young, it always goes well.


Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at New York University's graduation ceremony last week, because university's a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift:

You're still gonna be paying for it decades later.


I stopped at the petrol station to put air in my tyres. I asked the guy for 50p and he said " it's ?1 now"
Fucking inflation.


African-Americans are very successful.

Look what Elon Musk has achieved


I got asked if I would stand up when they played 'God Save The Queen' at the street Jubilee party.


"Of course I will, " I replied, " you can't sit down to the Sex Pistols. "


A friend arrived home exhausted from an all-night orgy, her dress splattered with the semen of several different men.
Looking despairingly at the washing machine, she asked me:
?Which setting will be best in order to remove all these stains??
?Try Mixed Load? I replied.

I was reading a historical report which stated that before the end of slavery in America, a survey was conducted on black slaves which asked if given the choice of material for their clothes which material would they prefer.

85% of them picked cotton.



Don't forget to tune into the LGBTQ2++TV channel today. Here are the listings:

11am Listen With Parent
11.30 Rainbow
12.30 Trans World Sports
2pm Loose People
3pm Countdownsyndrome
4pm Batperson and Robin
5pm Spiderperson
6pm Feminist news
6.30 Mr. and Mr.
7.00 Mrs. and Mrs.
7.30 Ms and Ms
8.00 They and They
8.30 Straight Eye For The Queer Guy
9.00 Demonstration Watch
10.00 Repo Person
10.30 Not Going Straight
10.45 Person About The House
11.15 Portrait Autist Of The Year
11.45 Landscape Autist Of The Year


My holiday in Ibiza didn't quite go as planned:

'Hey girls, how ya doin'? Listen, to be honest I just wanna get my dick wet.'

They shoved me in the pool.



My best friend is black.

He's my prime mate.


Chinese facial recognition is already working wonders, it has identified a miracle man who was seen at 40000 different places at the same time.

[Bikkie]

I bought one of those origami sex dolls the other day and on the instructions it said,pull the flaps open wide and insert fingers tightly.
I thought that's a tad presumptuous,what I get up to with my sex doll is my own business.




I just signed up for an online Jewish matchmaking service.
They told me I'll have to provide the wood and sulphur myself.




"Cannnabis changes people"
It sure does; it changed one of my neighbours into a multimillionaire and another into a prisoner.




My girlfriend asked if I would go and see saw with her.
I was fucking gutted when we drove straight past the playground and pulled up at the cinema.





Ironically,blonde isn't usually very bright.




The wife's just seen the Hills Have Eyes
for the first time.
I'm not saying she's thick.
But she said she thought it was
about drug runnres being chased by
cops in Colombia.




Looking at some of these young girls
with ripped jeans makes me wonder
how long before the snowflakes
invent patches

[Piper]

Lewis Hamilton unlikely
to face sanction over
wearing piercings at
Monac GP this weekend?
We may see two Prince
Alberts on the podium.

[Piper]

Saw a Meatloaf tribute act
from Liverpool last night.
They did a great version
of "Two Out Of Four Ain't
Bad"


'... What's the difference
between Harry and
Meghan?
One likes to play Polo.
The other is a mint with a
hole.'


Johnny Depp kind of
reminds me of Traffic
Lights
........ Trapped In Amber...


I'm buying my wife
something really
expensive for our
anniversary
Will a gift bag hold Petrol?


I was listening to BBC
radio and the newscaster
was talking about a super
Yacht in Torquay harbour
being on fire. The words
used were... The Yacht
has sunk. Firefighters say
they now have the fire
under control...
I thought, Mmm, maybe
the boat being underwater
helped.


COP pulled me over this
morning. "Do you know
why I pulled you over?"
"Is it because you want to
see how tall I am?"
"Sir, get out of the car."
"See I knew it!"


Teacher : Your essay must
start with an attention
grabber!
Me: So I'm sitting there
barbecue sauce on my
tits...


If Jesus was able to turn
water into wine, feed 5,000
people with 2 fish and 5
loaves of bread, you got to
admit it's hard not to love
a guy who knows how to
party on a tight budget.


Got arrested at a local
restaurant this morning
I totally misunderstood
what a bottomless brunch
was.


My new girlfriend saw me
coming out of the men’s
toilets in a pub wearing
my overalls and carrying a
toolbox
"What the fuck are you
doing?" she shouted, "You
told me that you worked in
protection."
"I do" I replied, "I've
just fixed their condom
machine."


A young coloured
gentleman with a
clipboard approached
me today outside
the railway station.
He said, Can I arks you
a few questions on your
thoughts about narf
crime? "
I was really tempted to
say," Those words are
actually pronounced ask
and knife."
But then I thought, fuck it,
it's really not worth getting
stabbed over.


A. Never start a sentence
with an object pronoun.
B. Sez who?
A. Me


I don't like to brag about
my wealth, but yesterday I
had the heating on.


Instead of using central
heating this week, I've
been heating my home
by burning £50 notes. I've
saved a fortune already.

[Bikkie]

Major misunderstanding in the courtroom today when Johnny asked if he could push Amber's stool in.


With the cost of living crisis getting seemingly worse, I have given my struggling neighbours all the food in my fridge and larder.
I hope it helps them, well, I don't want my fridge smelling of food when i come back from my six month round the world cruise.



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle arrive soon for the Jubilee celebrations and may christen Lillibet while here.

Meghan Markle remarked, " Well, we may as well let the taxpayer foot the bill rather than use our own meagre income."



Just got stopped in the street by a canvasser, asking my reaction to the Champions League final..

They eventually walked off..

... ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????????????????

My nephew has a Playstation in his room at the rehab clinic, so I brought in a game to cheer him up.

On reflection, maybe Need For Speed wasn't the best choice.


They warned me this girl was a man-eater and they were right.

She won't stop rimming me.

[Bikkie]

Thinking about that
Brazilian singer who was
hospitalised after feeling
too embarrassed to fart
in front of her boyfriend,I
have some ideas for song
titles in her next album and
would like to open this to
the floor:

"Pump Up The Volume"

"Pass The Dutch Oven"

"I just Died In Your Arse Tonight"

"Stink Twice"

Anything by The Blow-off Monkeys or Fart Garfunkel.




I was running past a petrol station and told a blonde you can get around a thousand miles out of a pair of trainers.
Was funny as fuck watching her taking off her trainers and trying to put them in her Fiat 500.


..people have always named their children after expensive things;
Mercedes,Dior,Chardonnay.
Next year watch out for
Gas,Electric and Petrol




If you watch the Batman the dark night triloy as a business lesson; you learn that if you put a nigger in charge he will bankrupt your company,




Steven Spielberg's latest movie tells the story of a Jewish Conman's struggles with his speech impediment.
Swindlers Lisp is released on Monday.

[Piper]

Never let late 90's Eddie
Murphy drive a stick shift.
He's known to blow
tranny's...


I'm going to open a
Scottish themed strip
club.
I'm calling it 'Haggis, Nips
and Titties!





This is a message to the
teacher who said I'd never
amount to anything. I now
run a brothel in Thailand.


To the teacher who said I wouldn't amount to much.
That was a fucking lucky guess.


What's the worst part
about fucking a black
woman?
Having to talk to her pimp
afterwards.


Black people be like
white people speak
properly.


I was in a bar chatting
to a woman. She asked
me, "Do you have any
tattoos?"
"Yes I got that famous
Welsh town tattooed on
the full length bit of my
body."
"What Lianfair?
pwllgwynggll? gogery?
chwyrn? drobwll? llan?
tysilio? gogo? goch?
" Er, no! Rhyl"


A woman I know who has
dated more guys than I
could count complained
that her legs were tired.
I told her that's her own
fault for spending too
much time on her knees.

[Bikkie]

My wife's grandad used to live next door to a family of niggers. He said he had to mow his lawn during the night so as not to wake the cunts up.


How do you wind up a 65 year old muslim on facebook?

Ok kaboomer



Amber Heard made her bed.

Now she has to shit in it.


The Duke of York is set to sue punk band The Kunts following the release of their new single "Prince Andrew is a Sweaty Nonce".

Lawyers acting on his behalf have raised a civil action in response to the slanderous lyrics, stating "Our client is certainly not sweaty".

Ukrainians shooting better in Scotland than they do at home

Went to this new Chinese massage place and after she started rubbing my back
I started to get a semi. "You want wank?"she said.
I thought about it and went to myself what harm are I doing..so I'm lying there with a big hard on and she puts her head round the door and says "You finish yet?".


My grandad used to live in South Africa. He said he was driving home drunk one night when he hit two niggers. One nigger went through the windscreen and the other went flying down the road. In court one nigger was charged with breaking and entering and the other fleeing the scene of a crime.


If television has taught me nothing else

It's that you don't take the higher offer if the next contestant is a woman

Interesting fact for the day:
Putting a photograph of a smiling baby in a wallet increases the chances of the wallet being returned if lost by 30 per cent.

Not if Gary Glitter finds it, though.


Two dogs on Britain's got Talent the other night. Coincidentally there were two on stage as well.



Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was the news?

misheard?



When a woman on a dating site say's she's "Pansexual"... does that means she's a slag that'll fuck anything?

[Piper]

The Queen celebrated
for spending 70 years on
the throne.
Similar amount of time for
me after a dodgy kebab,
Yet I'm called a smelly
bastard.


Johnny Depp's delighted his trial's over.
He can let his hair down now.


Apparently Prince Andrew has tested positive for covid.
He would not go near it, it's 19

[Bikkie]

I'm doing scientific research about men having sex with dogs.

If you have any questions, I'll be in my lab.


I was in the pub more or less all day on Friday, celebrating the Queen`s Jubilee.

Later on they started playing "God Save the Queen" and there was this cheeky twat laughing and talking during it. What disrespect!

Later on I saw him in the car park. I seized on the opportunity and started giving him the beating he deserved.

Finally my mate dragged me off, saying "Come on, Steve, not everyone likes the Sex Pistols."



I'd like to congratulate the staff at old people's homes who let some of their residents perform at tonight's concert.

Just watching the Queen?s Jubilee celebrations. There?s so much diversity on the stage that for the first hour I thought I?d accidentally tuned into Zulu.


Mariah Carey is being sued for 20 million dollars by a man who claims he co-wrote her 1994 hit All I Want For Christmas Is You.

I'm also pursuing a claim against Carey for a similar amount.

I had no hand in writing the song, it's for damages after having to hear the fucker every time I went Christmas shopping for the last 28 years.


Robbie Williams says "Fame should come with a warning."

I think you mean an expiration date.


As Meghan Markle returns to the UK for the Queen's Jubilee, we are reminded of the little song the boys sung when Meghan was in school in California.

It goes something like this:

Meghan had a little skirt,
With splits right up the sides.
Everywhere that Meghan went,
The boys could see her thighs.

Meghan had another skirt,
It split right up the front.

Meghan never wore that one...

Until she became a Yacht Girl.'



If you are a heartless conservative politician,

Does that make you a Right Cunt?

Just had a threesome with 2 Vietnamese girls.

It was Nguyen Nguyen.

How does Camilla Parker Bowles hold her liquor?

By the ears.



Today, the 96-year-old Queen of England met her new great-granddaughter Lilibet for the first time.

Both cried a little, burped, and then fell asleep...


Apparently the Queen watched the London event today from Windsor Castle.

Good on her!

I fucking wish I had eyesight like that.



When they first invented the baton they didn't really like the idea.

But they still ran with it.

Looking at the male members of the royal family with all their medals, you'd think they'd won wars on their fucking own.



Think I'll skip the Jubilee celebrations, and go see the Pride parade instead.

At least there, the fucking queens bother to turn up.


Johnny Depp will always be remembered as the first man to win an argument with a woman.



"...Sweet moment as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle wave to little girls." Express.co.uk

OMG! It runs in the family.




Because it's a jubilee party and all that, no one will bat an eyelid if I open a can of cider at 9 in the morning. But to be fair, as it's Rochdale, no one would bat an eyelid on any other day either

I was watching the Jubilee celebrations and then the adverts came on.

Ahh now it's time for the 'Trooping of the coloureds' i thought.

Elton John is seen being pushed in a wheelchair ahead of the platinum jubilee.

I thought he was still standing



'...Seven-year-old Princess Charlotte refused to hold William's hand.

Obviously saving herself for Andrew.'


- Long in Queen Elizabeth's shadow, Prince Charles now takes greater role.

Going from doing nothing all day to the media paying a bit more attention to him doing nothing all day.


Prince Andrew will miss the Jubilee celebrations because of COVID.

Couldn't Obtain Valid ID.

What do you call a group of cows?
A herd.
What do you call a group of sheep?
A flock.
What do you call a group of monkeys?
A penitentiary.


Amber Heard testified she did defecate in Johnny Depp's bed but said it was a joke.

And here I thought some of my jokes were crappy . . .


I've become friends with a Chinese guy who seems to dig sick jokes as much as I do, especially ones against Americans. His name is Ma Shu Ting.



Top tip:

When sending post, write on the back of the envelope - 'If undelivered, return to...'

Then write the same address to which you wish it to be delivered.


The Proclaimer's front lawn is getting overgrown and un-manageable

They are blaming B&Q for their lack of stock.

They went to Lochaber - No Mower
Sutherland - No Mower
Lewis - No Mower
Skye - No Mower



The Queen is celebrated for spending 70 years on the throne.

Similar amount of time for me after a dodgy kebab, yet I'm called a smelly bastard



Amber Heard said when Johnny Depp started bouncing on the bed one day, the shit hit the fan.



I don't know if Amber heard (no, that's not the joke), but Johnny Depp is the face of the #MenToo movement.

[Piper]

The Queen says the
Platinum jubilee
celebrations have left her
touched.
By Prince Andrew
probably.


Imagine being so powerful
that you can make your
own bank holiday's, not
only that but change the
day's it's on! You can tell
the Queen wanted to get
on it this weekend because
she chose Thursday
because that is the next
best day to party. She
thought that will be lovely
Jubilee. Monday morning
her alarm will go off and
she will wake up and think
fuck I should of kept it
on the Monday because
one minute I was sniffing
Coke with a rolled up
photo of myself the next
thing I know Andrew asks
me back to an under
13's coffee party back at
Maxwell's house.


So the Queen has been on
the throne for 70 years,
it must be one hell of a
poop.


If your girlfriend has a
friend that annoys you,
Don't tell her to stop being
friends with her. Just
casually mention how
pretty she is.
Stay toxic.


What do you call a Black
man's chip shop?
Black clives matter.

[Bikkie]

What does Johnny Depp and OJ have in common?

One had a girl named Heard and the other had a girl who was never heard from again



What does Johnny Depp and OJ have in common?

One had a girl named Heard and the other had a girl who was never heard from again


Where I live we've just been issued with an Amber Weather Warning.
The Weather's going to be Shite.


CAPS LOCK IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T PREFER SMALL TALK.



I don't like it when Muslims run in my direction.

Especially if they are wearing a rucksack.



Today I texted a number of my friends telling them that I lost my phone and asked them to call it for me.
They all called.
Clearly, I have a number of loyal friends who are not very smart.


Mary was too unwell to go on 'Dickinsons Real Deal' to sell her antique coin, so her friend Val went for her. Maybe Val should have rehearsed her words before she said to the dealer, "I've come here to flog my friend Mary's tuppence".



My wife says to me "I'm going to smack you with the neck of this guitar!"

I asked her "Is that a fret?"



When a woman says five minutes, think five minutes left in extra time and both teams have all substitutes available and the game was stopped for two serious head injuries and four streakers and a pitch invasion.

Unless she expects me to last that long.

Went to the doctor yesterday and told him about my craving for collecting iPads....he gave me some tablets..



Fuck me Boris has had more escapes than Colditz, just picture him stood in front of the mirror with the comb he doesn?t know how to use, holding it like a gun and saying, ?The Names Blond Boris Blond licensed to thrill?. The Bloke is a legend in his own eyes.



You really can?t beat unwinding at a clock convention ,??, ? ?????*`? ?

'World Cup 2022: LGBT Wales fans vow to boycott Qatar tournament'

Having seen the photos of them I agree.

They certainly are LGBT whales.



148 MP's voted against Boris.
They were the ones who weren't invited to any of his parties.





I was disappointed to find out my new girlfriend was a vegan...

Luckily later I found out she wasn't that strict, she still loves a bit of meat in her vegina




Amber Turd likes Pink Floyd.

Jobby Depp saw the dark side of her moon.




I bought a Cross of St. George flag, plus bedding and bunting for the Queen's Platinum Jubilee.

It was made in China.



I wonder if they'll throw a leaving party for Boris?

[Bikkie]

Why do they say "amen" instead of "awomen" at the end of prayers at church?



Petrol company's will begin distributing a new soft drink that contains Viagra.

The new drink will be called "Mount and Do."


I'm on a tram late night in Dublin and I can see lots of young men, children and women have got Ukraine flags tucked in on the backs of their T Shirts and others waving Ukraine flags.

I'm starting to think they've won the war.



Jubilee concert

The most black people seen on one stage since the good old days of slavery.


An environmental health inspector goes into a Chinese takeaway. He says to the guy on the counter, 'Do you have flies in this place?'

The man says, 'Of course! One portion chip! You wan' with cully sauce?'



I got fifty quid's worth of shopping today for a tenner.

That's how much I have to slip the security guard to be looking the other way when I go in.




Transitioning from a man to a woman these days has to be a hard decision.

I mean the 20% pay cut alone must be difficult to take.

"BORIS 'OUT BY BONFIRE NIGHT'"

I doubt it. He's not that kind of guy.



Americans ask why British people eat like we're in the 1800s and don't have electricity.

I want to know why Americans eat like they have free healthcare.

"500 police officers to be drafted into Spain's 12 largest airports to deal with delays"

Wouldn't it be better to draft in half a dozen pilots instead?


Easily get a job as a jazz club drummer by dropping cutlery all over the floor at the audition.



So Johnny Depp spent 50K in a Curry House.

I think he might be planning an 'Armageddon Revenge shit'


Fellas, never be the guy taking pics for social media where she points out how much money and time you waste on her.

Be the guy she complains about in the group chat where she claims - for the 9th time - this is "the last time" she will fuck you because you don't understand her worth.

Stay toxic.



In 2032 an Irish man and a Scots man walked into a bar. The barman says "Wait a minute I know how this works, where's the English man?"
The Irish man says "Sure they're all Muslims now and they don't drink."


It turns out that women can have penises after all

They're the ones who watch Love Island


I was breast fed until 3.

But enough about my day, how was yours?



Today is Johnny Depp's birthday.

I bet he didn't get shit from Amber this year.

[Piper]

Did you hear about that
Scotsman playing the
bagpipes at the aquarium?
Sadly, an octopus
smashed out it's brains
on the glass thinking he
was next in line for a
blow - job....


Deaf couple arguing in
sign language as if the
Ninja fight in Naruto.


Just bought a porn mag
called 'Sluts With Nuts'.
It turns out it was not
on the theme of air
stewardesses.


LYNX: UNBEATABLE
PROTECTION FOR MEN
Honestly can't wait to pull
a can of that out of my
pocket when I'm getting
mugged.


I went to Japan and
bought a poster of Charlie
Sheen.
It was two and a half Yen.


So in the really old days
you would get your
surname by what you
did or what you were, so,
Baker or Butcher or Smith
or Farmer right.

I knew a chap called
Rutter once which worried
me a bit, but then I met a
chap called Dickinson...

I mean how did they know
and why did they not try to
stop the bastard?

PS I know a Hillary Fluffer
once as well and I didn't
have the heart to mention
this.

[Bikkie]

I front a band that plays at fag bars.

We're called Dire Gays.

My stage name is Mark Knobfler.

I front a band that plays at fag bars.

We're called Dire Gays.

My stage name is Mark Knobfler.



News: Groups of Muslims protesting outside British cinemas to oppose film about the prophet Mohamed

But unavailable for comment when asked why they don't have the basic sense to move to Muslim countries where such films are disallowed anyway



Putin now bans all "LGBT propaganda" from the media in Russia.

Faggots there are not too worried, as they will still get performances of the men in tights of the Bolshoi Ballet.



Yesterday, my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. She sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today, I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.