What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Husband : When I die, I
want to die having sex
Wife: Atleast it will be
quick....


The BBC has announced
it's latest comedy show.
The Kumars At No 10.


Rishi Sunak is hoping to
turn 10 Downing Street
into a home from home
He is turning number 11
into a Quickie Mart.


Sky News - Species
of fungus unknown to
science discovered in
Scotland.
Someone in a pub in
Glasgow must have taken
their shoes off.


What's stained and found
in Catholic churches?
Glass.

[Piper]

Camilla turns 75, wait i
though horses only lived
to 30 years.

[Piper]

Brits have been advised
not to drink alcohol in the
current heatwave

.

.

.

... unless it's a work
meeting.


And the winner of this
year's Great British Bake
Off goes to...
The Sun.


Ed sheeran named
his daughter Jupiter,
because when she was
conceived Jupiter was
in alignment and visible
from earth. He's going to
name his next child after
what his music sounds
like.... Uranus.


Choosing the next prime
minister is like deciding
which portaloo to use on
the third day of a rock
festival!


Newsnight photographer
claims to have a picture of
Prince Andrew that would
rock the Monarchy if it
was ever made public.
It's a photo of him asking
for consent.


I keep seeing all these
advertisements for the
Women's football...
If I wanted to watch a
bunch of bitches run
around a field pretending
to play sports I would
watch the NFL.


I just saw the England
Women's Football team
has had naked photos of
them leaked online.
It brings a whole
new meaning to the
expression, `Come on
England!


I've just seen an episode
of a hilarious new BBC
comedy series, you've got
to watch it, funniest thing
I've seen in years!!
It's on every night and it's
called "Women's Football."


I really want England
women to win the Euros.
So the papers can have
a picture of the manager
and Captain holding the
trophy. Headline. Two girls
one cup.


Ladies Euro Soccer Best
In All Nations action... or
L. E. S. B. I. A. N action for
short!


Why is Women's Football
like buying your first
home?
You always hope for
something bigger but still
have to spend your time
looking at tawdry flats.


Wona Ryder has told
of some mysterious
occurances on the set of
Stranger Things.
Particularly the
unexplained
disappearance of several
items...

[Piper]

Record temperatures hit in
the UK. Greenpeace blame
global warming. Jehovas
Witnesses blame End
Times.
Personally I could swear it
has something to do with
that bright orange thing in
the sky.


Doctors advise that
people do not drink
alcohol during the hot
weather.
Oh ok then - how about
I also don't masturbate
while watching porn?


It's that fucking hot today
I saw a scouser take his
hands out of someone
else's pockets.


It's hotter than a
smackheads lighter on
payday!


I got such a tan the last
two days that my black
neighbour told me to fuck
off back to were I came
from.


House fires in London due
to the heatwave.
Here's me thinking they
were black lives matter
protests.


People moaning about
how hot it currently is in
the UK, just think about
what it's like for me being
naturally hot.


I'm not saying it's hot but
I just saw Prince Andrew
buy an antiperspirant.


Its been so hot this week
that a lot of celebrities
have been melting.
Madame tussauds have
had to close.


Fuck, it's hot. I'm
sweating like the crew on
an Alec Baldwin film set.


I got such a tan the last
two days that my black
neighbour told me to fuck
off back to were I came
from.


BREAKING NEWS :

Englishman wins 1500m
gold at the World Athletics
Championships.
He was the Wightman for
the white job.

[Piper]

Heard a rumour that 80's
sitcom Diff'rent Strokes
might be coming back
with a woke female in
the leading role. No
Actor this time though.
They're just going to put
CCTV cameras all over
Madonna's house.


'... A plane spotter in
London says :

"The plane that just landed
has Meghan Markle and
Harry onboard."

Second plane spotter :

"How can you tell?"

Plane spotter : "Well
they've shut down the
engines but it's still
whining!"

[Piper]

According to official
sources, Japan recorded
the hottest ever days last
week at a maximum of
106f.
I dispute that. August 6th
and 9th 1945.

[Piper]

A ticket-holder has won
The US Mega Millions
jackpot of $1.28bn, the
third biggest lottery prize
in the country.
Half of the money goes
immediately to the
government in tax.
Why would you even bother?


Did you hear about the
Jewish Kamikaze fighter
pilot?
He crashed his plane into
his brothers scrap yard.


'... Why do we never see
Meghan Markle in court?
Is it because she would
have to hold a Bible and
swear to tell the truth?


After years of research A
cure for baldness in men
has been discovered.
Seems all you have to do
is remove the headboard
from your bed.


After sitting through
another shit Bruce Willis
movie I've come to the
conclusion that the only
decent thing he's been in
since Die Hard is Demi
Moore.


My mate told me he was
going to a gay orgy in the
South of DR Congo.
"Lubumbashi?" I asked.
"They certainly do" he
replied.


Dad's Dating Tips #22
Never ask her where she
wants to eat. Instead,
ask her to guess which
restaurant you are talking
her to, then book that.
#winnerwinner.


I'm a tad confused about
drug class ratings.
Aren't all drugs just class?


I like women the way
I like my North Sea oil
reserves.
Light sweet and crude.

[Piper]

Well done to the England
Women's team.
I think the banter has
been funny but we
should all now just
congratulate them on their
achievement.
Besides, women's football
isn't a real sport, like
snooker, darts and pub
skittles.


All English women need
to do next is win 2 fucking
World Wars and we're
even.


When my wife was watching the
girlies playing football and
shouted,
"Press them, keep
pressing."
I was quite impressed
that even she knew they
should be at home doing
the ironing.


Heard one of the
Lionesses talking about
how hard it is to make it in
women’s football.
Simple answer to that :
If you can't stand the
heat-Get back in the
kitchen.


If a female footballer
heads a ball and nobody
is there to hear it... Does it
make a sound?


"Two Girls, One Cup."
Chanted the Dyslexic
England fan.


Woman seem to be better
at football than men. They
probably even know what
that semi-circle is for
attached to the 18
yard box.


I've never been a fan of
the slow motion action
shots in football but in the
women's euros it works
quite well.


Can't believe how much
Chris Rock is charging for
tickets to his gigs.
He wants a good slapping
he does.

[R650R]

In today’s PC world this poor bugger would be cancelled so counts as sick joke lol

Some great laughs from the old world to start the day

[Piper]

Germany's national
newspaper 'Bild' claims
Germany were robbed of
the Euro's at Wembley.
Anyone wonder why they
didn't kick off at 19.45 like
most finals.
DON'T MENTION THE
WAR!


'... As FABULOUS as it is,
we're not going to hear the
last of the Lionesses win
for several weeks.
At least they go rid
of all that unwanted
testosterone.
Now they just need to get
behind the ironing board
and back in the kitchen.'


England lionesses have
shown the men how it's
done.
In the same way a bird
slapping a drunk slag in a
car park shows us how to
beat Tyson Fury.


Memo: To all the England
football team failures.
It doesn't take Balls to win
anything
But if you have a pair of
Tits it helps...


BREAKING NEWS : Norway
has just completed
painting barcodes on their
entire fleet of war ships.
So now, when returning
to Port, they can...
Scandinavian.


Ordered one of those
"Assemble-it-Yourself",
app controlled, New
Zealand birds the other
day.
It's an ikea.


Will Smith : I'ma get this
opology out before August
hits.
Jada : August been hit...

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a refrigerator and
a gay man?
A refrigerator doesn't fart
when the meat is pulled
out.


'... I met my wife
while bowling and
IMMEDIATELY knew she
was the right fit for me, as
I could get three fingers in
Her as well as the bowling
ball... Was NOT what my Bride's
father was expecting as a
speech at our wedding.'


When you see deaf
couples holding hands,
it may be a romantic
moment, or perhaps they
are trying to shut each
other up for a bit.


The teacher asked the
class,
"What do you think the
effect of having two
left feet would be to a
person?"
"Please Miss," shouted
Winston, "footwear would
be a lot easier to steal."


I don't do geography puns.
There's Norway I'd stoop
Oslo as that.


Fools rush in.
Unless vaccines are
involved, then sensible
people take 4 in a year.


Watching soaps is so
boring...
There's only so long
you can look at a bar of
imperial leather!
" Do you know what I
mean?"


I knew I was in an exotic
restaurant when the first
thing on the menu was strip
steak.

[Piper]

Why are Americans good
at Rubik's cubes?
Because they have a
history of separating
colours.


'... I just broke up with my
girlfriend because I caught
her lying
Under another man.'


I like my women how I like
my coffee
White, with no shit in the
bottom.


Know religion, no peace
No religion, know peace.


"I've just seen your sign on
the front of the shop and
it reads' Stationary.' Surely
it should be stationery?"
"Can you see the shop
moving?"


My grandad used to have
a slave nigger who could
carry a bucket of coal on
his cock.
Mind, you he wouldn't
have had to if he didn't
Caught him stealing an
apple.


At 11am today, the
machine was unplugged
and the terrible suffering
ended, as I stopped
Adele song playing on the
jukebox.


I walked past a nudist
camp the other day,
peering through the fence
when I noticed a lady I
thought I knew that was
sunbathing naked.
"Is that Fanny Brown?" I
asked.
"No, but it soon will be"
came the reply.


I'm not a happy
bunny... Every morning a
German Shepherd walks
around my front lawn and
has a shit.
As if that isn't bad enough
this morning he brought
his dog!

[Piper]

Isn't it amazing how one
tiny egg and one tiny
sperm can make one
massive cunt


What do you call a
Russian who stole all the
pop?
'Who'dJaNicACrateTapop
Off'


Do Men ever think 'Damn,
she's been through
enough, I'm gonna treat
her like a queen?'
Nah, they're too busy with
the women who deserve
that, rather than the ones
who spend all day on
Facebook moaning about
not having what they think
they're entitled to for no
good reason at all.


CHILDREN'S JOKE

'... Why do British stamps
have the Queen's head on
them?
Because if it showed her
arse, no one would LICK
IT!'


I've started a band called
Prevention.
We're better than The
Cure.

[Piper]

My wife sent me a text
last week, "when you get
home from work I'm going
to strip naked and do a
sexy dance for you"...
So far I've built up 96
hours overtime.......


Yesterday whilst visiting
my local recycling centre
I noticed a sign that read
"skip hire," anyway after
about ten minutes of
skipping as high as i could
I gave up knackered.


It's okay for people to do
a blackout challenge on
tic Tok. But as soon as
I suggest it at my town
council meeting I'm
suddenly a racist bigot.


The Seekers lead singer
Judith Durham has died.
They'll never find another
one.


Midget woman named in
strictly lineup.
She'll be seeing lots of ball
room action then..


The Batgirl movie has
been cancelled after $70
million in Batmobiles were
destroyed backing out of
the Batcave.


Why are the blacks at the
Commonwealth games
the fastest runners?
Colour TV's won't pinch
themselves.


London men always call
each other "my son" - it
seems only fitting that
they are never black.

[Piper]

Hippos can run faster
than humans on land, and
swim faster than humans
in water.
Which means the bicycle
is your only chance of
beating a hippo in
triathlon.


This is what's going
on inside an average
American's head when a
British /Irish person over
there speaks.

Posh English
Person... Fear intimidation
and sense of inferiority.

Londoner or
Southeast... Oh no it's one
of those nasty gangster
type English people and
an urge to do a Dick Van
Dyke imitation back.

Birmingham
Brummie... My God this
English person sounds
depressed.

Irish... Well top of the
morning to you too.

Welsh... how quaint a
white person from India.

Scottish... he's Canadian.

Northern Irish... he's
Polish.

South West... wow an
actual pirate.

Liverpool
Scouse... English person
who's parents must have
been part dolphin.

Northwest and
Manchester... confusion

Yorkshire... utter
confusion.

Newcastle Geordie... what
the actual fuck?

Norfolk... must be a
Swedanian hillbilly.