What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

The Simpsons is coming
back for a 34th season
this year, but Fox has
implemented a new rule
for the show from this
season onwards.
Google "Simpsons Rule
34" for more information.


I'm out whaling with my
mates tonight...
However the correct
terminology is pull a FAT
BIRD.


People are so easily
offended these days.
That's why I only ever
make jokes at the expense
of white men, whose thick
skin and calm, rational
attitudes make them
impossible to upset.


Scientists have discovered
a food that reduces a
woman's sex drive by 91 %
It is called "wedding cake"


"Where's your PPE?"
"Fuck that mate covid
was over for me months
ago, and it's about time
others realised it too."
"Yeah ok... Is this your first
day as a beekeeper?".


A man in Barnsley has
piles and calls into his
local shop for treatment.
"Excuse me, do you have
any arse cream?"
"Aye lad. What does
tha' want? Magnum or
Cornetto?"

[Piper]

Roses are red
Love is a fake
Weddings are funerals,
But without the cake.


'... There should be a NEW
law.
Electric cars can ONLY be
charged by wind, or solar
power.
If you're going to give up
fossil fuels...
THEN GIVE IT UP!'


"Took the wife on holiday
to Indonesia."
"Jakarta?"
"No we went by plane."


Tampax, we may not
be the world's biggest
satinary product company,
but we're up there!


I saw Daniel Craig in a
mosque today
Abdul07


A study has revealed hair
loss and a lack of sex
drive are symptoms of
long covid.
I must have had long
Covid since my wedding
day.


Interviewer: So how
do you write female
characters so well?

Novelist : I simply think of
a man, and then remove
reason and accountability.


Her: Why do boys watch
a football match then 6
hours later sit there on
their phones and watch
the highlights of that
SAME FOOTBALL MATCH?

Me: Why do girls shave
their eyebrows off and
draw them on? You
literally had eyebrows.

[Piper]

I went to the local council
to ask permission to
extend my allotment and
said-
"Councillor, I need to
convert this land and build
a house here because I've
discovered there's a family
of blacks I need to escape
from next door. Where do I
start?"
"Foundations?"
"No, just blacks."


There's a Dental Practice
near me that's been
Practicing for 20 years.20
fucking years. You'd think
by now they'd know what
they'd doing.


'... Do dentists call their x-rays
Tooth Pics?'


"I don't know the numbers
of any local taxi drivers," I
told my wife, at the end of
our date.
"See if you can find one on
your phone."
"Don't be daft," I replied,
"none of them are using
my phone."


Had my first blowjob
off my new girlfriend
today and she told me
that my dick tasted of
Opium. I told her that was
Poppycock.

[Piper]

Birmingham mps call on
Queen to honor Black
Sabbath.
Brian May said, "Yea,
they're fucking awesome."


BBC to make a new series
about the royal family.
R. Kelly is to play as Prince
Andrew.


My Dyslexic mate said he
can remember where he
was when KFC was shot.


How do get an elderly
woman to quickly say fuck
you?
Have another elderly
woman yell BINGO!



Johnson and Johnson are
to stop making talcum
powder.
What am I going to use
to find my wife's wet spot
now?


Why isn't there a pregnant
Barbie?
Because Ken came in a
different box..


What do you call a Dyke
with a gorgeous pair of
tits?
A waste of a pair of tits.


Men are from Mars

Women are from Venus

All these other genders
have been pulled straight
out of uranus.


James Hetfield is getting a divorce
after 25 years of marriage
Sad but true.

[Piper]

My wife left me because
of my obsession with the
band Supertramp.
I've now met someone
else. Take a look at my
girlfriend.


This financial crisis is
crippling me.
I just had to wank the dog
off to feed the cat.


What's the difference
between a Bowling Ball
and a Hooker? Nothing,
They both get Picked up,
Fingered and then Banged
down some alley!


Mrs Brown's Boys

Dame Edna Everidge

Eddie Izzard

Proof that women aren't
funny even when it's men
pretending to be them.

[R650R]

[Piper]

Monkey Pox is another
thing that so called
conspiracy theorists
predicted.
They've been going WHO!
WHO! WHO! for the last 2
years.


So Adele wants to get
knocked-up by a black
man she's barely known
for five minutes.
Proves that you can take
the girl out of the council
estate...


Adele has declared her
wish to marry Rich Paul
Heather Mills hatched a
Similar plan years ago.

Adele declares she'll
'absolutely' marry Rich
Paul and have more
children.
That's the best way to get
him to fuck off.


Marrying that black dude
will be good for Addeles
music career. Because
when he fucks off and
leaves her holding the
baby it will give her
inspiration for more whiny
fucking headache songs.


Gary Glitter has stated
that he was in South-East
Asia for innocent reasons,
he was looking to remake
the classic film 'Oldboy'
with the updated name, '8
Year Old Boy.'


The man who invented
personalised number
plates has passed away.
His funeral takes place on
TUE504Y at 11am.


Transgender athletes
share their stories.
It takes a lot of balls to
win in women's sports
these days.

After deaths and injuries
Britain joins other
countries in discontinuing
use of the Astrazeneca
Vaccine. Its co-creator
Dame Sarah Gilbert will
keep her title.
After all, Sir Barnes Wallis,
inventor of the Bouncing
Bomb kept his.


I've listened to some of
the great lead guitarists
for many years, Hendrix,
Clapton, Buckingham to
name but a few, but that
guy from U2 has just got
the Edge.


Did Stevie Wonder ever go
on a blind date?


Rick Ashley has admitted
he's shit at custard pie
fights.
He said "he'd never run
around and dessert you"


I just failed my RAF
entrance exam. Apparently
'the bombay doors' are
Not an Indian tribute band?


What's the difference
between slavery and
fences?
Black people can get over
fences.


"PAUL MCCARTNEY TALKS
YESTERDAY "
Paul McCartney SPOKE
yesterday - grammar, idiot.


A New Hollywood Movie
has been produced about
an abandoned girl living in
isolation at Ibrox Stadium.
Monday sees the release
of...
Where The Bawbags Sing.


I knew I should've asked
a neighbour to water my
plants while I was away
last week. They've gone
drier than the queen's
fanny.

[Piper]

Anthony Joshua did a
Philip Schofield yesterday ;
took a good pounding in the
ring.


Athlete Dina Asher-Smith
has called for more
research into the effect
of women's periods on
performance.
I think the research has
already been done and
concluded that anything
that happens during a
women's menstrual cycle
is her fucking husband's
fault!


A Japanese Admiral said
"A million men cannot
take Tarawa in a hundred
years."
It took 10,000 US marines
four days.
He was right then.


If I hadn't misunderstood
what the interviewer
wanted when she asked
to see my testimonials, I
might have got that job.


The real problem with
Fox News is that it
never actually reports on
anything about foxes.


I helped my neighbour out with
something this morning and she
said to me, "I could marry you." I
couldn't believe it. You do
something nice for someone and
they threaten to ruin your life in
return.


FOR ALL OF YOU
MORONS OUT THERE
ASKING FOR
"FATHER'S DAY" AND
"MOTHER'S DAY" TO
BE CHANGED TO
"SPECIAL PERSON DAY"
THERE IS ALREADY A
DAY JUST FOR YOU.
IT'S "APRIL FOOLS DAY"

[Piper]

Wills and Kate are upping
sticks and "moving house"
says the Royal Press
Secretary.

Except when you dig
a little, they're keeping
their Kensington Palace
'apartment' ; 12 bedrooms,
5 reception rooms, a gym,
3 kitchens and a private
courtyard garden.
Keeping Amber Hall
near Sandringham ; 10
bedrooms with 150 acres
of parkland.
Keeping Tam-Na-Ghar
Cottage on the 50,000-
acre Balmoral estate,
And gaining Adelaide
Cottage, nestled in the
17 acre Windsor Castle
estate which sits in the
5,000 acre Windsor Great
Park.

All the time while the
royal slaphead is banging
on about conservation
and climate change he's
running a succession of
mansions, driving around
in Land Rovers or Range
Rovers taking over entire
jets for private flights, etc

The joke here is that the
royal hypocrite seems
genuinely delusional in
his belief that he's the
'new generation' of royalty,
doing things differently.
He's certainly doing things
more ostentatiously!

[Piper]

# True Facts #

1. In the 1400s a law was
set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of
thumb'

2. Many years ago in
Scotland a new game
was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only -
Ladies Forbidden'... and
thus the acronym GOLF
entered into the English
language.

3. Each king in a deck of
playing cards represents a
great king from history :

Spades - king David,

Hearts-Charlemagne,

Clubs-Alexander the
Great,

Diamonds-Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured
on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on
the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase : 'goodnight,
sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000
years ago that for a
month after the wedding,
the bride's father would
supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could
drink.
Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar
was lunar based, this
period was called the
honey month, which
we know today as the
honeymoon.

6. Since 1966,England
fans have said they are
going to win the Cup at
the start of every football
Competition, hence the
phrase "English Cunts"

[Bikkie]

Say what you like about black guys but since dating Rich Paul, Adele has had so many throat problems she may never sing in public again!



I've never been that interested in people identifying as other stuff, until I read about that Australian school girl identifying as a cat....

If she sits naked on the floor with her legs open licking her own arsehole, this I've got to see!




My girlfriend asked me if I thought female comedians were funny.

I said "Are you kidding? Women are hysterical!"



A nigger walked past me wearing a Gucci t-shirt and I thought to myself 'Hey that's mine!'
But then I remembered, mines wears Stone Island.






Just found out the Dalai Lama is a gambler He likes Tibet






Jill Scott( an English footballer apparently) says she is retiring and focusing on things at home. Good. that ironing needs doing, and them pots have been sat there for weeks



Went to petrol station I asked if I could put litre of diesel in this container Jerry can she said OK will u fetch him for me pls

[Piper]

They should rename
Father's Day as shit poetry
on Facebook day.


This nigger was waving
his huge cock about,
"Bet you wish you had one
of these," he bragged.
"I'll bet you wish you had
one of these," l said as
I waved my fathers day
card in his face.


Essex.... the only place
They do fathers day cards
in packs of 6...


What is the most
confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.


Happy Father's Day to all
the dad's, except the vegan
ones.
For you Happy Mother's
Day.


Without your dad, you'd
probably be soaked up in
a tampon.
Happy Father's Day.


A thought for Father’s Day :
Break a mirror.... Seven
years bad luck. Break a
condom.

[Piper]

Shit, imagine trying to play
Guess who these days

Is yours male?

I'm not sure what they
would identify as?

Does he?

They?


My mate reckons we
should bring back hairy
pussies.
He must mean hipsters.


Prisons are like a Box of
Chocolates...


I've been saving up for
years to take my family on
a once in a lifetime world
cruise, topped off with a
month in Australia.
But I decided to cancel
it and put the heating on
this winter instead.


My son was attacked by
a knife wielding thug so I
phoned the police.
I was pleased to hear
from the call handler that
their officers were at that
very moment dealing with
the stabbers.
Turns out she meant they
were dancing at a Gay
Pride event.


My local Chinese
restaurant has been hit
with a 10k electric bill,
they said they can't turn
off all the lights, but
do dim sum.


The perfect way to stop
transgender reassignment
surgery :
Tell them they won't be
able to reverse park.


Every woman wants their
pussy eaten.
Until they date a cannibal.

[Piper]

Just read on the BBC
Website:

Putin may have slipped
into Jordan...

Has that woman no
shame?


Princess Diana's RS Turbo
Escort sold for 650k.......
Pretty cheap when you
think Prince Andrews
Escort cost him 12 million
quid


The Great Australian Bake
Off's on and the wife said
she loves the feeling of a
Mille-feuille in her mouth.
How can she think
of Harry Potter while
watching a cooking show?


I was once in bed with a
redneck girl.
I thought she asked if
I wanted to suck her
clitoris.
I said, "Yes"
She then brought her
brother Cletus in.

[Piper]

Megan Markle has
only recently begun to
understand what it's like
to be a black woman.
Nothing quite like your
first visit to KFC.


I tired to join pride lineup
in a KKK outfit. They kicked
me out. So they don't like
diversity.