What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

All this talk about putting
the first black man on the
moon is all very well and
good but for safety should
They not stick a police
station up their first


The Queen to miss The
Highland Games.
To be fair, the worn-out old
Woman has probably...
Tossed a few cabers in
her lifetime.


Porn star Riley Reid has
just paid 5 million for a
mansion in LA.
Fair play to her, she had to
work her arse off for it.


What do you call a pirate
that pisses on kids?...
Arr,Kelly.

[Piper]

The baby from the front
of the Nirvana album has
lost his lawsuit against
the band. Nevermind.


Boris Johnson at a press
conference 'hailing his
legacy.'
It's a bit like a toddler
looking proud after he's
destroyed your living room
and smeared shit over
the wall.


According to The Vagina
Museum, the bleached
stains in a woman's
underwear are perfectly
normal.
And now I know why my
beard has changed colour
recently.

[Piper]

Teacher: "Name a song
with a body part in."

Abigail : "Cotton Eye Joe
by Rednex."

Steven : " Angel Eyes by Wet
Wet wet."

Little Johnny : "Eye eye eye
eye eye eye eye eye eye shoulda known better -
Jim Diamond."


Punctuation is paramount :

"I once helped my uncle
Jack off a horse."
Or...
"I once helped my uncle
jack off a horse."


Liz appointments a new
cabinet would have been
better off with a cabinet
from IKEA.


Wow.. First day on the
job she has given the
key's to the safe to a black
guy... who wants to guess
what happens next.


Falkland Islands watch
out...
We have a woman PM
again...


I went to a fetish restaurant
last night..
I got toed in the hole!


Netflix is bringing
Teletubbies back and it's
going to be narrated by a
black man.
That's all well and good
until Tinky Winky gets his
handbag stolen.

[Piper]

There's a rumour that
Keith Richards has been
looking worried today!


With the Queen gone,
Prince Andrew has
suddenly lost the person
bailing him out of all of
his recent issues. If he
couldn't sweat before I
guarantee he's sweating
now.


I bet there's a florist
in Balmoral rubbing their
hands together at the
moment.


HM heard a rumour Ginge
and Winge were going to
make a surprise visit.




First Prince Philip, now the
Queen.
Another one bites the
dust.


I've got an Irish friend
who doesn't like Prince
Charles.
He just called him King
Charles the Turd.


Now that she's ( sort of )
the Queen, I bet Camilla
can't wait to sit on the
Throne and park her
Bowels.


Just heard 'God Save The
King' for the first time.
As written by Ed Sheeran.


I bet Mr Bean feels guilty
about the headbutt now?


All the schools in Scotland
were closed today -
nothing to do with the
Queen's death, but Andrew
is in the country.


Just think, anything with
the Queen on it is going
to go up in value, which
is good because I have
a lot of Freddie Mercury
memorabilia.

[Piper]

Butler : "It's 9-11 today Sir."

Prince Andrew : " Fabulous
show them in."

[Piper]

Wearing a mask during
the pandemic has allowed
me to silently mouth "you
fucking cunt at people
getting drinks from me,
but I'm finding it hard to
remember not to do it now
the masks have come off.
I can tell you, it's making
Communion fucking
embarrassing.


Just bought a 4k HD
65inch TV for $45.The
volume button is broken
but at that price I can't
turn it down.


Your call is important to
us...
But not important enough
for us to employ a
sufficient number of staff
to answer it.


What do Dolphins and
blacks have in common?
Both have lots of babies
and have no idea which
belong to them


Blacks supporting Trump
seems very odd to me
It would have been like
Jews admiring Hitler.


What women call an
intrusive thought, men call
an idea.


Prince Andrew is going
to look after The Queen's
Corgi's.
Makes sense with his
experience in grooming.


I've heard that the Royal
Mail Post Office is to be
renamed Charles III Post
Office.
or C3PO for short.


This is a very dark time for
Prince Harry.
As he recently got
into rimming Meghan's
arsehole..


Harry and Meghan
children's new titles.
They will be known
as.
Bombay mix...

[Piper]

Prince Harry has proved
an old wive's tale wrong :
Once you've had black you
can NEVER come back.


Did you know the magnifying glass
was invented by a Chinese
guy?
Should've just saved the
effort and opened his eyes
properly.


For years, I thought
Tony Danza had rhythm
because of Snap.


I used to do a lot of Tai
Chi, but now I prefer chai
tea.


If reincarnation was real,
I'd come back as a table
cloth
I'd get laid three times a
day and pulled off at night.


What's the difference
between a wife and a
smoke detector?
One, you can turn off
without even trying. The
other, you spend all day
waving a dish cloth at.


My lesbian daughter is a
self-employed plumber,
and the other day some
cheeky bastard spray
painted a massive penis
on the side of her Transit.
Now everybody calls her
Dick Van Dyke.


Grandad loves a stiff drink
that's why I put viagra in
his ice cubes.





You know my little sister?
I bought her tassels for
her bike.
Annabelle?
No, only the tassels.

[Piper]

I bet that's the last time
His Majesty asks Harvey
Price if he can borrow a
pen.


"Oh shit, I hate this. I can't bear this
bloody stinking, every stinking fucking
time!"
If Charlie loses his shit like that over a
drippy pen, can you imagine what he's
going to do to the flunkies who bring
his boiled eggs at the wrong degree of
runniness or his shaving cream at the
wrong temperature? Orff with their
bloody stinking heads!


Where does Prince
William go for
hamburgers?
Burger King.


So we're now going to be
given all new coins with
Prince Charles on. I'm not
amused, I hate change.


"Stop calling me the
Prince of Wales, call me
the King! call me the
King!...."
Demanded Prince William
while Kate pounded him
up the shitter with a strap-on.

[Bikkie]

Fuck turning the heating or anything electric on.

To save money this winter, I bought 40,000 bottles of Lucozade.

Energy beats everything



We got our vacuum cleaner as a wedding gift 10 years ago.

Like the wife, it stopped sucking after the honeymoon and then just started whining too.



Will Meghan Markle go in to black as a mark of respect ? ,



Elton John says to Rod Stewart, "I've just got a vintage Rolls Royce for my collection!"

Rod asks, "What Reg?"

Elton shouts, "I'VE JUST GOT A VINTAGE ROLLS ROYCE, YOU DEAF CUNT."



Did you know that the main cause of World War 1 was something to do with Franz Ferdinand

I've finally found a band that's been around longer than the Rolling Stones!



King Charles III has agreed to give Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's children the titles.

Golliwogs 1 & 2...



Life's a bit like an adult diaper.
It's shitty at first, but you get used to it.



My dad always used to say, "slow and steady wins the race".
Lovely man. Terrible sprinter.



The queue to see the Queen is now getting so long that by the time you get there you will be able to see Charles as well.

[Piper]

Just back from my local
I'm glad to confirm The
Queen's Head will be open
as usual on Monday. I
can also confirm that
Meghan's legs will also
be open as usual on
Monday..


How 'The Queue' isn't
called the Elizabeth Line is
beyond me.
Media missed a trick
there!


Prince Harry's moaning
as he's not allowed to
wear his army uniform to
the Queen's funeral, being
as he did two tours of
Afghanistan.
Give me a break Harry. I
was nearer to the action
sitting at home in Wales
than you were to the
action.


A South African MP has
demand the return of
the Cullinan I diamond,
that was gifted to the
royal family in 1905 and
now makes up part of the
royal sceptre.
From now on Indian giving
shall be known as
South African giving.


Prince Andrew wasn't
groping his daughter
Eugene's arse the other
day, he was merely
performing his duty as
Rear Admiral.


Biden, Trudeau, Ardern
and all the rest of The
Great Reset mob will
be gathered in London
tomorrow, for her
Majesty's funeral, live on
TV.
You know what I'm saying
Vladimir?


If your misses moans
about you leaving the
toilet seat up, just reply
with, "If I didn't put the seat
up, all the piss wouldn't
drain off it, and you'd have
to sit in that.. So I put the
seat up for YOUR benefit
darling."


People in China have
been warned not to touch
foreigners through fear of
a monkey pox outbreak.
Carry on eating bats and
hedgehogs though, that's
absolutely fine.


Rapper Post Malone had
an accident where at a
show the stage collapsed
beneath him and was
helped by paramedics.
It's not funny, we all have
to go through certain
stages in our lives.

[Piper]

It was reported that
Philip Schofield was
seen secretly entering the
back door of St George's
Chapel.
Well let's face it, if there's
one thing he's good at
it's secretly entering back doors.


"Why is Philip Schofield in
the news now?" asked my
wife
"He poofed his way into
the queue," I replied.
"Don't you mean pushed?"
She asked.
"I know what I mean," I
said.


Meghan has asked to
meet with King Charles.
She wants her kids to be
working Royals.
And both will be the new
faces of the PG Tips
adverts,
"You hum it son, I'll play it."


With all the horses
involved in The Queens
Funeral you'd have
thought someone would
have employed some shit
shovellers.


Meghan Markle was
going up and down the
queue to see the Queen,
complete with camera
and Microphone, asking
if anyone would like to
interview her.


Camilla to be crowned
Queen Consort.
For her its quite an
upgrade from her previous
role as Royal Horse.


Prince Andrew is the Earl
of Inverness
I suggest they change his
title....
The Loch Ness noncer?.

Jimmy Carr like a
rough Roger Federer but
Federer now looks like a
rough Jimmy Carr.


It's amazing what some
Well earned tax money can
do for your teeth, hair and
tits.

[Piper]

When the king dies will his
queue be known as a line
of Charlie?


My tenners have had
Charlie on them for years.


Stop having a go at Philip
Schofield. It's the first time
he's been near a box in
years.

[Piper]

Apparently the Taliban
want to ban tik tok.
They have got their own version
to replace it called tick tock
boom.


I didn't know that MAP
stood for Minor Attracted
Person, until I sold my
personalised number plate
to Prince Andrew.

Scientists have succeeded
in generating matter
in an empty void, in
a 'groundbreaking'
experiment.
Big deal. My missus
has been able to make
something out of nothing
for years.


Maroon 5 singer Adam
Levine has been accused
of sexual harassment by
his Yogi.
At least he's admitted that
he made a Boo-Boo.


The wife wants the
heating on.
There's more chance of
The Queen coming back
from the dead!!

[R650R]

There’s a highway to Hell but only a stairway to heaven.

Says lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

[Piper]

The next James Bond
films will have bigger roles
for women and a more
sensitive 007, according
to the producers, who said
'Bond is evolving just as
men are evolving'
No doubt his next car will
be a Trans Am.


Sir,
Having been in the queue
in London recently, I can
assure you I'm quite happy
Mr Schofield was in front
of me rather than behind
me.
I. M. Strait. ( Mr)
London


Let's cut Philip Schofield
a bit of slack for queue
jumping to see the Queen
lying in state.
The pet shop closes at 6



I got in a bit of trouble at
work when I referred to
the Pampered Prince Charles
The Tampon.
Unfortunately, Camilla is
the one pulling the string.


Packman is a very lucky
boy
Running around noshing
on as many balls as he
can.
Oooooooooh.


Whats a junkie's favourite
breakfast?
Ice crispies
with smack, crack and pot.


Mr car just made a
very worrying noise all the
way home that made me
feel tense.
Radio 1 played Adeles new
song.