What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Meghan's love for Harry,
is exactly like my love for
oxygen.
Without, we would both
just wither away like a
meaningless galumph.


Time for a new girlfriend.
She keeps asking why I
hold her away from
her face when she sucks
me.


Sleeping Beauty was
kissed by a Prince
Wasn't Prince Andrew was
it?


Got sacked yesterday for
asking the dense lady in
our accounts department
"When is the Year End"
Not, "When does your rear
end."


I told my girlfriend I was
leaving her.
"Is it because I make fun
of your little willy?" she
asked.
"Not really", I told her,
"I've just never been that
into you."


My grandad was always a
glass half full type of guy.
A great bloke but terrible
bartender.


I'm going to a water
sports convention tomorrow.
The first drink I'm having
is a pint of golden.


My daughter was
watching something
where this lady was
lecturing a lot of
extremely downtrodden
people to keep their place
in life and "be a shoe" in
what looked like a very
dystopian setting.
"Is this the new
Snowpiercer?" I asked
"No dad, it's a new
Kamala Harris speech."


USA news - NASA
successfully crashes
spacecraft into asteroid.
It's amazing all the
different ways they find
to just keep lighting the
devalued US dollar on fire.

[Piper]

My girlfriend is such a
slag her knickers are lower
than the great British
pound right now.


Just got back from
watching the new little
Mermaid.
Bit fucked up when she
drowned.


Vladimir Putin signed
a decree on Monday
granting Russian
citizenship to the US
whistleblower Edward
Snowden.
I have to say, for all the
shit Putin has pulled that's
actually a step in the right
direction.
Of course, Snowden won't
be happy tomorrow when
he gets his call-up papers
in the mail.


Showbiz fact :

Jonathan Ross's favourite
pop star is Ranking Roger.
But he doesn't like to
admit it.


BREAKING NEWS :

Meghan Markle 'thought
she'd be Britain's
Beyonc ( Daily Mail )
So the Montecito mansion
from now on will ALWAYS
be known as the Beyonc
Castle.

[Bikkie]

How is a woman like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them...


A guy goes into a cafe near the Arctic Circle and asks the waiter what?s on the menu.
The waiter says: "we have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat. And today?s special is the Vera Lynn."
"What?s that?" asks the guy.
"Whale meat again," says the waiter.




My dad got a job as a human cannonball.

He'd only been there 2 days and they fired him.

He went ballistic


Was talking to a lefty about immigration and he said I was far right.

Well, atleast he said I was Right.


"Graham Norton says he turned down chance to skip Queen queue: I thought I'd get it in the neck?"

That would have made a change from taking it in the arse.



Trying to find a fit bird at the pub is similar to playing crazy golf.

You want to get to the perfect hole but your balls always end up bouncing off some hippo's teeth.


You can tell if a women really likes you by her feet!

If they're behind her ears, she really likes you!


I've just found out that this emoji is a laughing face.
For years, I thought it was, "fancy a Chinese tonight.



Statistically 50% of Americans will visit Hooters at some point in their life. If you put an 'S' at the start, that number doubles.

I couldn?t afford to pay my Exorcist so I got repossessed.



When anyone raises the subject of my drinking, I declare: For your information, I have been sober for 8 years!.

No need to mention that it was 1978 to 1986.



They've now installed tampon dispensers in all the boys' rooms at my son's school for useless woke virtue-signalling, and my son hates it and says it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable.

I tried to make the best of it and advised, "Just pop one out and carry it around with you all day, as it's a miniature representation of King Charles."


Just got back from watching the new little mermaid

Bit fucked up when she drowned



The wife caught me in McDonalds and said, " I thought you were going to do some exercise when you left the house?"

I replied, " It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike."


Credit, Something I saw

I mentioned casually to the wife about making a sex tape.

She laughed then said, "Are you serious? You always finish so fast, it would just be a GIF. So if we made a porn flick, you'd come in a GIFFY."



Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH'. ”

[Piper]

Meghan Markle up for GQ
Wonder what her wife
thinks about that.

[Piper]

McDonald's are launching
an adult Happy Meal.
I wonder if the toy comes
with batteries.


Coolio died I wonder if
He went to Gangsta Paradise.

[Piper]

Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickisnson became
confused and got lost running for a cancer
charity in the London Marathon this morning.
He ran to the hills.

[Piper]

Elon Musk thinking of allowing
Donald Trump back on Twitter
is the worst idea since Donald
Trump was allowed on Twitter


"Charles to get Crown next
year"
You know things are bad
when the king can't even
get a dentist appointment.


King Charles will not make
as many foreign visits as
Queen Elizabeth did.
Because the Queen could
go any distance but the
King can only move one
space at a time.


In the news:

Meghan and Harry
hunting for new mansion
in exclusive California
gated community
after outgrowing 12m
Montecito villa...
How the fuck do you
'Outgrow' a mansion
with only babies and
themselves?
A spokesman said,
"Meghan is having real
trouble, the door is not
wide enough for her head
to go through it."


They say that the vehicle
you drive says a lot about
your sexual preferences.
Which is why I'm buying
an Ice cream van


Married BBC presenter has
love child with stripper.
Apparently he wrote : l've
started so i'll finish
across her tits ( lol )
You don't have to be a
Master Mind to figure this
out folks.


"What's the first record
you bought with your own
money?"
"How many hotdogs I
could eat in a minute."


My wife has cut her hair
and shaved her head
down to stubble to show
her solidarity with the anti-hijab
women.
It's now exactly like being
married to Eric Pickles.


Holding the Eurovision
Song Contest in the
birthplace of The Beatles
Is like letting Gemma
Collins live in Albert
Einstein's old house.


Chris Martin has
requested his medical
team all come from the
far east.
The hospital have checked
and made sure that they
were all Yellow


Yoko Ono has revealed
what John Lennon's
favourite Indian dish was
Instant Korma.


M people are pissed
that the tories used
their song "moving on
Up at their conference.
Me too! R.e.m's end of
the world as we know it'
would've been much more
appropriate!
( Any other suggestions? )


I've just seen an advert
for a new black film, The
Woman King, with Viola
Davis.
She's bigger than her
sister, Violin.

[Piper]

This October I saw
the scariest fucking
decorations I've ever seen
in front of this house.
The Ukraine flag, BLM flag,
and pride flag.


I saw a black guy in town
and I said your sunglasses
are nice, he said, dems me
nostrils.


A Russian trumpet player
has successfully escaped
the country's mobilisation,
and is safely hiding out in
Finland.
He said, "I'm gladimhere
tootin."


Butler : "Sir. I'm afraid Mr
Weinstein has another
accuser a young German girl,
and we may be hearing
from her at any minute"

Prince Andrew : "Ah German eh?
They don't like it up em!"

Butler: "I doubt she will
have heard of
Dad's Army, sir"

Prince Andrew : "Dad's Army?"


At least Ukraine can get
some peace and quiet
now, Putin has just
announced he plans more
strikes. I thought it was
just The Royal Mail and the
London Underground that
did that.

[Bikkie]

It must have been a great day in the Deep South , when Blacks were finally allowed to play Whites at chess.

A lot easier than when the pieces were all White.




A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered!






I drank 15 pints of Guinness then rushed to the toilet to explode my bowels whilst in the capital of Columbia.

Bogota?

Yeah, it was a right fuckin' mess.


I was practicing some conversational French with my wife, and I told her she should say "I Brush my Teeth" as "Je me brosse les dents."

"Or in your case, I added, just 'Je me brosse le dent.'"






Yoko Ono has revealed what John Lennon's favourite Indian dish was

Instant Korma




Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila

[Piper]

Just watched the
footage of those stop oil
protesters in the London
gallery. Extra virgin the
pair of them.


What do you tell a 'just
stop oil' protester that is
gluing himself to a train?
That glue is made using
oil.


Those just Stop oil
protesters who defaced
the Van Gogh painting in
London will hopefully one
day see the error of their
ways, in Heinzsight.


Boris Johnson tipped to
return as Prime Minister
-and everyone thought
Russia was in mess!!


Queen Consort Camilla
goes to British Champions
Day at Ascot to race her
husband's horse.
She's in with a chance.

[Piper]

Meghan Markle wears a
T-shirt with 'Women, Life,
Freedom' written in Farsi.
What's Farsi for irony...?


5 ants rented a property
with another 5 ants.
Now they're tenants.

[Piper]

Howard Stern has
compared Kanye West to
Hitler.
Just because he doesn't
like Jews, there's no
reason to go over the top
and compare a talented
artist who's loved my
millions... to somebody
like Kanye West.


Jerry Lee Lewis has finally
been inducted into the
Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame at the age of 87
And in the same week that
his wife graduates from
high school.


Dementia patients are
now asking Doctors,
"What is the name of the
Prime Minister."


Imagine being expected
to look King Charles lll
in the face and say, "Your
Majesty ( or whatever ), Liz
is no longer in charge of
the country."

[Bikkie]

The other day we saw the ugliest fucking nigger arm-in-arm with the most attractive blonde girl you will ever see, and I couldn't believe it when even my fat feminist daughter completely agreed with me moaning about it

"Their sort are now so favored with benefits by the system that they bang all the top tatty now and don't even look at the likes of me !"



Instead of signing off with 'hasta la vista, baby', Boris Johnson should have said 'I'll be back!'.


Liz Truss has been offered a job in Top Gear.

She did more U-turns in 45 days than Top Gear did in every episode...



There's one thing harder to achieve than winning a lottery jackpot.

It's trying to press the X to get rid of a fucking advert.



Whats the difference between Batman and Black Panther?
Batman Returns




Liz Truss has been appointed as the new Spurs Manager. She told reporters, "I feel much more comfortable with an empty cabinet."


Liz Truss legacy is actually quite impressive she buried the Queen the pound and the Tory Party




"another one bites the truss"







A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan so asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl.
The Teacher looks at the little girl in suprise and asks"Mary,why didnt you raise your hand?
Because I am not a Liverpool fan she replied
The Teacher still shocked asked "Well if you are not a Liverpool fan,then who are you a fan of?
"I am a Man Utd fan and proud of it" Mary replied
The teacher could not believe her ears. Mary,pray tell are you a Man Utd fan?
Because my Dad is a Man Utd fan and my Mum is too, so I am a Man Utd fan too
Well said the Teacher in an annoyed tone "That is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.You dont have to be like your parents all the time"What if your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict,what would you be then/"
"Then" Mary smiled - I would be a Liverpool fan



Top 10 Achievements by Democrats This Year:

1. The standard of living is up 500% among Ukrainian politicians

2. Hilarious memes of Biden eating ice cream have increased 40%

3. Thousands of Americans have been saved from the threat of seeing somebody pray in front of an abortion clinic

4. That Paw Patrol movie was actually pretty ok

5. Americans have learned to appreciate the taste of bulk ramen

6. More women of color are piloting the attack drones that bomb Syrian children

7. Afghani women don't have to go to school anymore...or work...or make decisions

8. Citizens who bought a house, are slowly paying off your debts and made tons of new friends. (In Animal Crossing)

9. Bob from Newport got married

10. An 800% increase in people missing Trump


Me: Hey, I mess with your vibe. Wanna get a drink sometime?

Her: Sorry, I got a boyfriend.

Me: My dog did a number 2.

Her: What?

Me: I thought we were talking about shit that's irrelevant.

[Bikkie]

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing!


I'm not saying the wife's thick but the Doctor wanted her peak flow test and she took in a used tampon.



I'm not saying the wife's prostitution business is going badly but she's now accepting layaway.



Anagram Of The Day.
Rishi Sunak.
Hi Risk Anus.


Norfolk bloke to his sister:
"Do you want to watch My Massive Cock on Channel 4?"

Sister:
"No, I want to watch it in my pussy."


Watched My Massive Cock on Channel 4 last night expecting to see Julia Carey appear.



The question is whether the Sunaks at No. 10 (or 11) will outrun the Kumars at No. 42. Has anyone seen Granny yet?


Now that Rishi's in No 10, I wonder if he'll be able to deliver?

And if so, what's the minimum order?



What does a Hindu?

For years I always though it laid eggs

Now apparently it becomes a Prime Minister



10 Downing Street will now be open for business 7am - 11pm, 7 days a week including Christmas Day




My daughter got excited when I told her that after all this shite with the Tories, I'm seriously thinking to vote for Labour next time.

At least until I elaborated just because "There's some chance we could actually have a white man again."



Turns out Rishi Sunak is an anagram of
"Hi risk anus"


The Tories are doing their best to support small businesses.

As long as you're running a removals company anyway?



Tourists: If you're looking for AirB&B in London Number 10 Downing Street is perfect for short stays.



The Guardian: Pogues' hard-living former frontman finds success as an artist.

Must be a fucking piss artist.




So David Tennant is back as Doctor Who.
Did anybody tell him that he's going to regenerate as a gay nigger.


Scientists have yet again uncovered a game-changing breakthrough for women:

It turns out that the classic Four Yorkshire Men sketch, a piece in which the characters hilariously compete against each other to see who has suffered and been through the most in life, is in fact NOT what you're supposed to base your entire personality on



Horse for sale.

Answers to "Camilla"

Contact C.Windsor




Napoleon once described the British as 'a nation of shopkeepers,' and we're about to have one in charge.



So Boris isn't getting a second crack at being PM.
And just to rub it in , David Tennant regenerates as Dr. Who.

After 78 years Dietrich Mateschitz was right, Redbull does give you wings.




I was shagging a German bird and she was shouting, neine neine neine! nearly killed myself trying for a ten!!

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Nun's and priests watch internet porn. "
Pope admits - Daily Mail
Well that's a really nasty
habit!


Rishi Sunak picks new
cabinet.
Bet it's that IKEA shit.


Man City women's team
will no longer wear white
shorts next season,
due to period concerns.
They don't wanna end
up wearing red ones like
United!


I was reminiscing about
the time I said to the wife,
"Fats Domino's passed."
She almost broke her neck
looking out of the car for
pizza.


What's bronze and getting
stuffed for Christmas?
Mason Greenwood's arse.


It's Halloween soon... it's
the only time the Mrs
looks attractive...


The chancellor will
announce his new fiscal
plan on Halloween.
Is this a trick? Or lots of
treats for his rich mates?