What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

William Bruce Rose Jr, lead singer of Guns n Roses changed his name to Axl Rose since it is an anagram of his favourite sexual activity - Oral Sex.

I thought I would do the same, so from now on, I wish to be called Alan.







I don't know why I'm not having much success with girls

My hobbies include looking after dogs and doing gardening.

When I tell them that I'm into bitches and hoes? ?they seem to lose interest in me!




News: King Charles going on all the Bank of England banknotes...

Nothing new!

I always had Charlie on my ones of the Queen!




I saw my neighbour dressed as a Star Wars character

Leia?? asked my mate.

Not yet mate



I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she was really into Alan.

It?s been a tough week, what with that and being diagnosed as dyslexic!!!


Enjoying a beer in a pub and a fat old boiler came up to me and said "I didn't think I'd end up with you tonight" she said with a wink and a smile

"Looks like a lucky night for both of us then" I replied

The kids round my way really respect the LGBT community.
They want a penny for the "used to be a guy"



For me I'm not bothered at all that in the new "Scooby-Doo" they've made Velma black and absurdly LGBTQ.

The hot one is still white and straight and perfectly ideally Aryan.



Halloween, is a time when straight males can dress in drag and be perfectly accepted without feeling awkward
around their peers.


I always wanted to create a social media site for people who take a shitload of drugs.
I'd call it Off Your Facebook.




Do women ever sit back and think "My man sure does know a lot. Maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him,"?



I got diesel today.

The girl at the counter said, "That'll be 69 69."

I replied, "I'll see how the first one goes."




I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals and blaming it on cost of living!




Chinese in America think Halloween is a Bank Horror Day.



Nuns and priests watch porn.

In other news,the Pope's a Catholic




I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister," I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."



The Pope urged prospective priests to delete any such sites from their phone "so you won't have the temptation in hand

Sounds like they've got their temptations in hand already!

[Piper]

"... Rishi Sunak performs first U-turn as
Prime Minister" .
He's Indian
Hardly surprising hes
used to flip-flops

[Bikkie]

Why is it wen spiderman covers people with a sticky substance he's an hero but wen I do I'm a pervert



Me: "Darling, where is the Weetabix?"

Wife: "Larder"

Me: I said - "WHERE IS THE WEETABIX?!?"



My wife killed a butterfly in the garden today, so I told her she won't have butter for one month.
She then went to the kitchen and killed a cockroach.
Nice try.


Tinky Winky left Tellytubby Land and moved to the ghetto to pursue his dream of becoming a badass gangbanger.

He was soon held up at gunpoint by a nigger who said to him, "Give me yo' muthafuckin' handbag, bitch!"


Two Irishmen in a bar. The barman walks up to them and says youre not allowed to eat your own food in here. So they swapped sandwiches.

Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
He was found dead in a brick.





What do you get if you cross a Rhino with an Elephant? I dont know but its not relevant.




Miss Argentina and Miss Puerto Rico reveal they've married in secret.

See? Porn IS realistic.

Looks like Imran Khan could be out by LBW here.

Leg Bullet Wound



My dyslexic mate Dave got sacked from organising the Remembrance Sunday service. They asked him to hang up some bunting.
He hung up some bun tins

You're becoming more and more like a spider these days, did you know that!? Asked the girlfriend.

Oh thanks love, is it because I remind you of the Spider-Man actor??

?No you fat bastard ? it's because you have sticky hands after being on the web!?




A kid knocked on my door. He was dressed in all red with a string in between his legs.

Kid: Trick or treat!

Me: Halloween's over. Fuck off.

Kid: I'm dressed as a period. I was late.

Now that was scary.



After the American election fiasco 2 years ago, people are now going on about the Brazilian one.

For those who don't know what a Brazilian is, it's a narrow strip in the south directly below the American tits




I'm helping my son quit smoking, by making him wear petrol-soaked clothes all day.




Prince Andrew has hit the top 10 in the charts with a song about how many underage girls he's secretly filmed.

He peeked at 8.

[Bikkie]

The Sun: Prince Andrew blasted for not doing any charity work.

It's unfair. I'm no Royalist but Ian Huntley doesn't have to take this shit.





Walked into a pub carrying a ukulele and some fella said "Do you know you look like a fucking penis"?

"You hum it, I'll play it" I replied


Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?

A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and fucking Man Utd.




My blind mates a cunt. I leant him 50 quid and he said hed give it back next time he sees me.



I just phoned my mate to say i've been sweating all week since i got a massive tax bill from The Revenue. He said Is it because youve no way of paying it? I said No ive fucked off to spain and its 38 degrees.



I was driving through the village today when reading a sign which said "Max Speed, 40".

I thought, "Happy birthday, Max. Have a great day."

[Piper]

For Bonfire Night I gave
my family a special treat.
I bought them all the
Ukraine's eastern front.


18 year old Millie Bobby
Brown has said that her
Enola Holmes co-star
Henry Cavill imposes
very strict boundaries on
their relationship
Reading between the
lines her fanny's probably
still tight enough without
having to resort to the
rusty sheriff's badge just
yet.


I think my wife has
become interested in
a league of fantasy
American football, when
she's just sitting around
on her mobile.
6 times in the last week
I've heard her quickly
waddle off to the toilet,
loudly exclaiming that
she's going to "Take the
Brown's to the Superbowl."


'If most of us remain
ignorant of ourselves, it is
because self-knowledge
is painful and we prefer
the pleasures of illusion. '

Adous Huxley

Funny, I was just saying
the same thing last night
to my side-chick Scarlett
Johansson.


The wife was shopping for
holiday clothes. She held
up a tiny bikini and said,
"do you think I'd get away
with this?" I said, "Yeah,
if the security guard isn't
watching."

[Piper]

What's the scariest thing
to read in braille?
Do Not Touch.


Just been to see that
Black Adam film. What a
disappointment, Rowan
Atkinson isn't even in it.



Watched Black Mirror last
night.
It stole my identity.


The BBC is remaking the
Terminator movie.
Arnie has been
reprogrammed to say "I'll
be Black."


My sister is a prostitute
in a working-class
neighbourhood.
She's not a specialist
more a jack off all trades.


The worst part about
being naked male in
a nudist colony is only
having one pocket.


Who named the English
women's rugby team to
sound like a euphemism
for periods?
Game on!


Football is surprisingly
popular among women in
Qatar, but I bet if the team
performs badly, they won't
show their faces in public.


When I was a kid "the
server is down" meant the
waiter was depressed.


Tell a woman to sit down
and shut the fuck up and
you'll see how bad they
really are at multitasking.


Did the stop oil protestors
realise the paint they
threw over the Van Gogh
painting and the Aston
Martin garage was oil
based paint?
.
What can a jelly baby do
that a an can't?
Come n five delicious
flavours.


Tablets were replaced
by scrolls. Scrolls were
replaced by books. Now
we scroll through books
on tablets.


Football fans heading to
Qatar can expect to pay
12 quid for a pint of beer.
Hold on, I thought they
weren't allowed to fuck
people in the arse over
there?

[Bikkie]

The wife was just about to put on Mrs Brown's Boys when thankfully I suffered a cerebral haemorrhage and was rushed to hospital.

Talk about a stroke of luck.



Red Roses fans have been speaking about a frustrating loss for England in the women's Rugby World Cup final, which New Zealand won 34 - 31.

They were full of Pride.

Well done to the BBC for finding a female fan who looked like one.


Shame about the England women losing their final in the rugby.

Trouble was that red card and sending off which left the squad down to 14 men.

[Bikkie]

Me and my mate make wigs...
It's not that exciting but it helps toupee the bills.





I once punched a Japanese Tourist who asked me for directions and then said "Sank You Very Much !"



I couldn't believe the little Nipponese had the nerve to bring up the sinking of the HMS Prince of Wales and the Repulse !



Where is Peter pans' favourite place to eat out?


Wendy's



Each to their own, but if you've already got your Christmas tree up your probably an attention seeking cunt



I just got tackled in a game of football by a bird.

It was a fowl.




'...My new girlfriend says I remind her of a Christmas tree.

I can stay up for 12 nights, have cute balls, and look good with the lights on.'

[Bikkie]

I got home this evening to find my drain pipe was broken and hanging at an angle.

I was guttered.


"I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it a 'Brella',but he hesitated when someone asked what it was"

(Courtesy of Andy Field, Edinburgh 2019)

If you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA.

Unless it?s a small electric car, when you have to use the AAA.



Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out man


My blonde wife has been rushed to hispital.

Thd idiot tripped over the wireless internet connection.



The doctor asked me if I'd consider donating my organs when I died.

I said "Fuck off, my Wurlitzers will be cremated with me".

I went into McDonald's and the girl behind the counter said, "Let me guess? Quarter pounder with cheese"

"Yep" I replied "That's what they call me"



There's definitely a fucking chocolate behind number 10 on your advent calendar this year...



I called my new puppy 'Sieg'...
It's great going to the park and shouting out
'Sieg Heel'


A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
...just another thing I learned at tonight's end-of-year school concert.

[Bikkie]

I'm sick of hearing black Friday this, black Friday that.

Don't you know all Friday's matter.



Qatar has banned the consumption of alcohol at the world Cup. Bummer! Yea they're also banned.


Looks like I'm not going to get any sleep, with my next door neighbour blasting Whitesnake all night.

Here I Go Again....




A fella in the boozer just asked me to name 3 Qatar players?.

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix



Qatar will be hosting the World Cup, and people are saying that, from overhead, is their brand-new soccer stadium.

Looks like a vagina.

Either that or the guys in the Space Station are just very lonely.




There are two types of holes found on roads

Potholes and assholes


London Zoo have decided to acquire a male and female of the most endangered and rare species in England and display them for the public ? the first newcomers are a white man and woman







Gordon Ramsey has said he's become Welsh after spending a week in Wales.
Fuck off Gordon. We've got enough cunts in Wales without you adding to it.




No beer at the world Cup WTF!
That's like having Islam without the terrorism.


Black Friday sales today.

I've just bought two for a fiver




I woke up this morning and my wallet was missing?
Straight away I knew it was Black Friday.




My dad always taught me that if you're outnumbered and you can't talk your way out of it, focus on the biggest one in the group and take them down hard and fast.

Thanks dad. I can't see me being invited back for a second interview.

[Bikkie]

The recently finished climate conference was much less successful than its predecessor. Good COP/bad COP.




I was left disappointed when I saw Lionel Ritchie on tour this year when his gig finished at 10pm.

I heard that he would be singing all night long.




I feel Qatar are one email without autocorrect away from hanging fags instead of flags at all new football grounds




Just hired an Eastern European to do my housework The house is really clean but it takes her a long time to do the carpet She's a Slovak


Those Qatar fans look like they could do with a beer

Watching Qatar v Ecuador and I noticed Qutar have a player called athief.

Quite surprised he's still got both of his hands.


Watching Qatar vs Ecuador reminds me of two kids learning the buttons to FIFA





My grandad told me he used to fantasize about fucking on a black man.

Turned out he meant the woman that played Pussy Galore in Goldfinger.




A woman shall always have the last word in an argument because anything a man says after that, only results in another argument




I've just been to subway and I asked the girl behind the counter for their biggest, greasiest, most expensive sub.
They gave me Cristiano Ronaldo !



I was walking down the road one day when I spotted two black fellas sparay painting their names on a brick wall and one of them asked me if I would like to put my name up and I gladly accepted.

However, all went wrong so suddenly just as I had the first three letters of my name spray painted on the wall the kicked the shit out of me for being racist in which I was not.

They obviously do not like blokes named NIGEL.



I asked Paddy at work what he thought about Black Friday.
He replied, "To be honest, I think Robinson Crusoe would have struggled without him."


What do Chinese children get for Christmas?

Some of the toys they made


Marriage should be like Amazon Prime.

A 30 day trial period.

An annual cancellation option.

And if it doesn't deliver, a full refund.

[Piper]

Can't wait to hear World
Cup Commentator to say, "They
did really well to come in
from behind."


Germany to legalise cannabis.
Auf-weed-ersehen pet.


At this point, Roger Waters
has been out of Pink Floyd
longer than he was in the
band.
Hanging on in quiet
desperation is the English
way.

[Bikkie]

My Qatar Gently Weeps


I may be Generation X, but now I identify myself as Generation STFU.


Japan fans put other supporters to shame as they picked up rubbish after a World Cup match that their side wasn?t even involved in.
Big deal chelsea have been picking rubbish for years.

Smiled at someone on the tube today, pointed at my own face, and said, "Hey, I'm doing Movember, too!"

She was not amused.



Women on Facebook: "This is so me 😂"

Indeed, in particular the use of that last word

[Piper]

Can we cry for you now
Argentina?


Prince Andrew is doing his
World Cup sticker book
with his butler.

Butler : "Have you
Senegal sir?"

Prince Andrew : " No I've
already told you. I was in
Pizza fucking Express."


Belgium desperately
needs more incinerators
as it struggles to deal
with huge amounts of
confiscated cocaine.
I've got one at my house
if they want to drop it
round?


My blonde wife is so
stupid she took a bank
loan of $1,000, to get a
Bluetooth installed!
From the dentist!


DM me for my ex's phone
number. Such a lovely
girl, she said she's doing
a giveaway for one lucky
guy over christmas. Send
her your best picture of
either your dick, balls or
arse hole, and she'll select
one lucky winner.


I asked that cunt Mark
Knopfler if he could spare
any change when I was
homeless.
He said, "sorry I'm in Dire
Straits myself pal."



I've never been able to find
my girlfriend's clitoris
It turns out I was looking
in all the wrong vaginas

( Jimmy Carr )


After a poor result
and for refusing to sing
the national anthem I'm
pretty sure the Iranian
team will beheading home
soon.

[Bikkie]

Prince Andrew: "Pack the bags! We're off to Qatar!"

Butler: "Why sir?"

Prince Andrew: "Just heard on the telly. Great shaven, the young South Korean quim!"

Butler: "No no sir. Great save from the young South Korean, Kim"





Prince Andrew is reportedly getting an Amazon Alexa for Christmas.

Alexa, 15, will be flying in from Brazil next week.