What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

Rain expected in Qatar tomorrow
so FIFA have cancelled l all matches
in case of a rainbow.


Today's Metro :

England fans are expected
to drink 30 million pints
during tonight's match.
We'll I'll have a go but my
liver's still a bit fucked
from Euro 2020.


The US has hired a
specialist in shooting for
the England game.
I'm thinking it's Alec
Baldwin.


English-born Wales striker
Keiffer Moore : I can't wait
to knock England out of
the World Cup!

Wales 0-2 Iran

Some jokes just write
themselves.



shh, don't tell her, it's a
secret but I've just gone
and got the wife one of
those I'm a Celebrity Get
me Out of Here Advent
calendars.
She's ganna be mortified
when she opens it realises
that behind every closed
door is a egotistical, self
absorbed, please don't
forget about me arsehole.


The only thing my ex
hasn't fucked is
OFF


NutMeg.
My favourite spicy sex act.


If you're bored phone up a
women's rights group and
ask to speak to the man in
charge.
Nowadays, you'll probably
get one.


I named my pet termite
Clint!
Clint eats wood
( sorry! )





Just thought I'd let you
know I have a load of
knocked-off Victoria's
Secret bra sets just arrived
which will make fabulous
Christmas gifts for your
wife or girlfriend, but
They're selling fast.
If you send a photo of
your wife's or girlfriend's
tits, I'll let you know if we
have any left that will fit.

Merry Christmas!


Why do women wear
panties with flower
designs on them?
In loving memory of all
the faces that have been
buried there.


Why didn't the pervert buy
knickers from his Internet
shopping site?
Because her got them
off line.


What's the difference
between a hippo and a
Zippo?
One's really heavy, and the
other's a little lighter...


Thoughts go out to my
Mother-in-law. She's been
taken to hospital after a
bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasn't stung
as I was too quick with the
spade.


A bride on her wedding
night says to her husband
I have to confess my
darling, before I met you I
used to be a hooker.
He says That's all right
my dear, your past is your
past, but I must admit that
I do find it quite erotic, tell
me about it. She replies,
Well before my op my
name was Nigel, and I
played for the British
Irish Lions.

[R650R]

What’s a Black Friday sale?

It’s when you get to buy everything at the price it was before a jacinda was in power !!’

[Piper]

Trudeau recently starred
on "The Great Canadian
Drag Race," to show
solidarity and "Complete
Liberation" with the
LGBTQ.
Things unexpectedly
became tense when
Trudeau kept questioning
why he couldn't go out
on the catwalk in his
Blackface makeup.



"Alexa, what do women
want?"
Fucking thing hasn't shut
up for a week straight.


The singer Bono, was
called up for jury service.
He was in a room
with others. The clerk
entered and pointed
at people. "Right, I
want you, You, You, You-
You, You, You,and pointing
at Bono.... YOU TOO


I'm sick of these emails
saying I'm approved
to apply for a Gold
American Express card.
Never gonna happen is it?
If she's reading this
Jennifer Aniston is also
approved to trap my
Bollocks in castanets
whilst pissing in my face.


My girlfriend said she's
leaving my because
of my obsession with Bob
Marley!...
Oh well, no woman no cry!


My pronouns are That/cunt.


Retirement is like being on
permanent holiday.

Without any money.

Or sun.

Or girls in bikinis.

Or booze.

Yes, it's like a holiday on
Rochdale.


After a weekend way in
the north west, I hope my
daughter has come home
dyslexic
She keeps banging on
about Black tool power.

[Bikkie]

The BBC has announced its Christmas line-up...
"Ooh, I can't wait for Mrs Browns Boys" Said no-one ....ever.


The BBC have banned the classic Bing Crosby song White Christmas from their radio stations. We live in a multicultural society and dreaming of a white Christmas is offensive


I can't believe it. Me and my wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into our house and took all our Mr Sheen!

Fucking Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish.



What does a non-binary gold prospector say?
There's lots of gold in Them/Their hills.



This year's I'm a celebrity evictions reminded me of a barcode, thick black, thick black, thin white, thick black..............


Police in Europe take down a 'super cartel' that controlled about a third of Europe's cocaine supply.

So much for having a White Christmas.






Prince Andrew is getting into the festive spirit as he was overheard telling staff he couldn't wait to have Holly up against the wall again this year.




The Humane League says they've received footage that leaves no doubt that horrendous suffering is systemic throughout chicken farms across Europe.

Those cunts caused horrendous suffering to my ears throughout the 80s with their jarring, two finger synth-pop shit.

The reason people tend to say "life is a bitch" is that if life was a slut it would be really easy.



What's the difference between babies and World Cup footballers?

Footballers scream louder than babies for no reason.

An asylum seeker just asked me "what is the best thing about living in the u.k"?

I said "well, you don't have to pay for anything"

He said "you don't have to pay for anything?"

I said "no I do you cunt, you get everything for free"



My Wife warned me, if I got her one more crazy gift she would burn it.

So I got her a Yankee candle.



'...Tragic how people in the UK can't afford heating and lighting.

Unless they're growing Cannabis.'

[Bikkie]

I've been kicked out of a World Cup stadium for wearing a Zippy, George and Bungle t-shirt.

Those Qataris really hate fucking Rainbow.



Christine McVie, now putting the dust in gold dust woman


My mate just told me Fleetwood Mac's Christine McVie has died, I guess it was second hand news





Christine McVie asked if she could die at home rather than at hospital.

"You can go your own way", replied doctors.



Buckingham Palace 11am...


Butler: "Sir, would you care for elevenses?"

Prince Andrew: "Hmmm maybe best stick to the high school lot til the FBI are off my case"




I ran into Tom Hanks once in London?s west end after a performance; what an incredibly rude man!
I asked him for his autograph on my expensive theatre ticket stub and all he wrote was THanks.


When someone texts me "I love u", I think to myself how nice it is that they have a favorite vowel.



The Wales World Cup quad have returned home to a hero's welcome

........... back in England


As a Pink Floyd fan nothing infuriates me more than seeing a Vegan eating pudding



I was in a nightclub last night having a dance and a lovely looking girl came up to me and said "you smell nice, what have you got on?' I said 'I've got a hard on & didn't know you could smell it'

Credit Jimmy Jones



Ronaldo has been doing his own preparation for the next match, he's been seen leaving the Boney M wig shop.



The wife keeps sorting coins into neat, separate demomination piles.

I'm not sure if she has OCD or if she's just going through the change.

Why is Black Friday not renamed Black Fortnight?



A Birthday Present - is just a reward for not dying that year.



Daily Mail: USA women's football team get a 6.5 million dollar bonus because the men's team qualify for last 16, under equal pay agreement.

They're like the renewable energies of sport. You still pay, even when they don't fucking do anything.

When she was a little girl,
She had a little quim,
She used to sit upon her bed,
And poke her finger in.

But now she is a woman,
And full of womanly charm,
Now she can get 4 fingers in,
And half her fucking arm!

(Thanks to MrCool & ddraiggoch for the poetry inspiration.)



Muslim terrorists have started using the laughing fox bomb in some attacks.

Ha ha ha ha boom boom

My new girlfriend is like a squirrel..

She's always trying to bite my nuts !

I just asked Elton John if he would like some caeser salad but he declined. He said he's more of a rocket man


Just reading about the Will Smith talk show interview. He blames the Chris Rick incident on pent up anger that stems from an abusive childhood. Perhaps if he'd been taken out of the situation and went to live with a rich uncle in LA this wouldn't have happened.

[Bikkie]

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were always quite stable
On every full moon
She'll get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table



There was this Man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber
He slipped on a rock
And cut off his cock
Now he has a vagina



Meghan and Harry complaining about their lives, is a bit like the hangman moaning to the man who is about to be executed because he has to walk back in the rain



Chad Kroeger from Nickleback has another part in a nativity play this year.

He's previously played Joseph, a shepherd and even the back of a donkey.

He's never made it as a wise man...



Mary had a little lamb
She took it to qatar
She ran it to the football
In the front seat of her car
The police they pulled her over
And said "are you in a hurry?"
They took the lamb they locked her up
And put it in a curry.

Take that wordsworth!




What do you call a female footballer who throws herself down to win a penalty? A muff diver.

[R650R]

[Bikkie]

Fuck Me! England have actually sent some Africans home!!!

So if we apply FIFA laws in the real world, my missus can go shop lifting and when she leaves the store, if the curvature of her arse is still over the doorway on the inside even though she's stepped outside, they can't touch her.




Waiting for the England game tomorrow, I'm more excited than a lesbian vampire waiting for her partners period.





I'm a huge fan of Black Sabbath.

I went to put on 'Paranoid' earlier, but there was a different CD in the box.

I bet some fucker's broken in and switched them around to make me think I'm losing my marbles.
Joined a new Scottish Dating Site.
Aye to Aye Contact.




My mate's started a business and he knew his name would come in handy one day.

He's called it, Walter Wall Flooring.


BREAKING NEWS: Daily Mail UK

The world's first saliva-based pregnancy test is set to hit the shops.

Presumably, this only works if she spits and doesn't swallow.



I just tried Wordle for the first time.

It was wrong.

I'll try again tomorrow.


I said to my little lad, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

He said, 'A punching bag!'

I replied, 'Aren't there smaller kids at your school for that?'







A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.
'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....
..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you ?'
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.
The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.
The barman said 'You never came back, what happened ?'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
'Mixin'-me-toasties'




I still owe money to Clinton, Gates, Murray & Oddie.

I'm really struggling to pay my Bills.

[Bikkie]

The Swiss are having a terrible night in the World Cup but at least their flag is a big plus!




To stay chill and look extra fly this winter, I get one of those ribbed puff jackets that the cool black bruvvas wear.
Buy i keep tripping over the cuffs.


I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.



Those fools saying that Japan getting knocked out of the World Cup is revenge for Pearl Harbour should get over it and move on

And realise that this time it's for
sending one over to break The Beatles up



Are The Pretenders and The Real Thing each other's tribute bands?


"Glasgow Airport reopens following police incident 'after suspicious item found in bag'."

Turns out it was a ticket to the World Cup



Most women are like advent calendars.

Full of chocolate, and only useful 24 days of the month.



Me: "The little'un heard me listening to Enter Sandman by Metallica earlier & he won't sleep. He's terrified!"

Wife: "Oh no, I expect it's that creepy nursery rhyme in the middie - Now I Lay Me Off To Sleep"

Me: "No he didn't hear that bit"

Wife: "Which bit was it then?"

Me: "Take my hand. We're off to Never-never Land"



I said to this barmaid I fancy 'Spooky I should bump into you, you came on me in a dream last night'.

You mean came TO me in a dream, she replied.

I said no, I know what I meant, it was MY bloody dream.




My favourite player of the World Cup is the Japanese goalie, Kee Ping.



My Dad told me: Whenever you get asked a question, repeat it out loud and you'll buy yourself valuable thinking time.

Nice guy. Terrible Mastermind coach.




It's a little-known fact that Senegal took their name from Steven Seagal.



Look, I don't mind female commentators on the World Cup

But I have sat through about 12 hours of them and not once do they give any tips on how to get grass stains out of a white shirt, or how to iron a football top.

There needs to be balance you know.



I got my ex girlfriend a sex toy advent calendar this year.

Saved me having to tell her to go fuck herself everyday.



I came out the living room and kicked a football at my girlfriends face.
She saved it.
I think she's a keeper.

[Bikkie]

Harry and Meghan say Brexit made them leave Britain.

That's the Remain campaign fucked.

Ahead of the big game this weekend the French have shared the perfect tactic to get into England's goal. Pass it to the RNLI and they'll do the rest!



What's the difference between a white man and a black man?

When a white man tells you he's going to 'pinch a loaf' he heads for the toilets.

The black man heads for the bakery.



Let me get this straight?

While The People of Britain freeze and starve.

Harry and Meg (Part of the royal zoo) are whining about how hard their lives are.



Harry and Meghan just want to be left alone by making a documentary


It's like priests and Former Prince Andrew complaining that all the kids they've fucked have burst.


My wife told me to be more 'In touch' with my feminine side. So, I crashed her car and ignored her all day for no apparent reason.


As a biologist I've given women many, many orgasms over the years which has left them screaming

No, organisms, I meant organisms


How many nunchucks could a nun chuck if a nun could chuck nunchucks?



Why are women evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think of a solution in silence.



Spiders are the only Web developers that love finding bugs.




I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

[Bikkie]

The 12 Days of Christmas isn't a tune until it hits days 8, 9, 10, 11 & 12 then it's a dark song about human trafficking.



'...Following the success of the whining, whingeing, blubbing and full of jealousy of Kate and for not getting her own way with the Royal Family in the first half of Meghan Markle's Netflix series, she is to launch her own British Ale.

It will be called, Meghan's Bitter!'


Elton John leaves Elon Musk owned twitter in disgust, tweeting that he has spent his life using music to bring people together.

Apart from Saturday nights. That's alright for fighting.



Aye, I've said it before and I?ll say it again - you learn something new everyday.
For instance, what I?ve learned so far today is:
When a woman says I don't want to talk about it, what she actually means is: I'd like to argue the toss about this all day today, all weekend and probably into next week too ??



Meghan Trainor's cooking Christmas dinner for Arsenal and Manchester City fans in her family.

It's all about the baste, no trebles.



Good sex is like a belt.

If its not tight enough try another hole.



'...Prince Harry thinks ALL Brits are racist.

Well I'm a Brit and I don't have a black woman in my house cooking for me.'


Christmas Party Tip:

Asking a lady for a kiss under the cameltoe is NEVER acceptable.
As I have just found out.

[Piper]

My dad always taught
me that if you were
outnumbered you should
pick out the biggest one in
the group and beat them
so violently that the others
will never bother with you
again.
Well, it's been over 6
months now and, sure
enough, we haven't seen a
Carol singer since.

I once had one of those
'May to December'
romances,
Ditched her when she
asked for an expensive
Christmas present.


Last Christmas we had
the family round for a few
days so I had to sleep in
the loft with my grandad
due to lack of space.
On Boxing Day morning
I woke up to grandad
saying, "I'm going down
to fuck your grandma, I'd
woke up with a massive
erection," I said, "Grandad,
you're 96.You can't do
that at your age." He
replied, "I haven't had an
erection since 1974,and
I'm not wasting it." "Ok
grandad" I said, you'd
better take me with you
you're holding my cock. "


I'm that skint this
Christmas I've just
opened a door on my
advent calendar and a
bailiff was standing there.


What do teenage girls
from Rochdale and uncles
at Christmas dinner have
in common?
They both go crazy for the
alcohol and brown meat.


Historically, we leave
the lights on for Father
Christmas to find our
house.
With the energy costs
this year the fat cunt can
get lost.


The NEWS : "Because
people of color are
invisible, the racism
against them is also
invisible."

Me: "Because Santa
Claus is invisible the
Lamborghini I got
for Christmas is also
invisible. That's why you
can't see it. "



Everyone got really
fucking upset with me
at my kid's school's
Christmas pageant when I
loudly complained about
how much the contrived
diversity shite has
completely taken over.
" You all can't seriously tell
me with a straight face
that song has always
gone I'm dreaming of a
Brown Christmas."



Parents :

Show your kids the true
meaning of Christmas by
having your credit card
bills addressed to them.

Santa knows a lot of
naughty Muslims that
will not be getting any
presents this Xmas.


My wife asked for Tina
Turner pyjamas for
Christmas.
I didn't get her the pants
simply the vest.


Hey, what are you doing
for Christmas this year?
Oh the usual eating,
drinking and arguing.


My wife pointed at me and
said, "Well you're definitely
on the naughty list this
year."
"In my defence." I replied,
holding my hands up, "I
was drunk and it was your
sister who came on to me,
not the other way round."
She stared at me for a few
moments, ".... I was going
to say you forgot to get
the sprouts."


I'll tell you what it is mind,
I don't think much of
this Christmas shopping
malarkey. So I go to
boots and they don't sell
boots, I go to Selfridges,
no fridges, Curry's, not a
Madras anywhere and as
for the virgin Mega store?


One door closes, another
door opens
One door closes, another
door opens
One door closes, another
door opens

Advent calendars.... So
Yummy


What do you call an
Irish prostitute stuck in
her house at Christmas?
Ho Malone.



They say one swallow
doesn't make a summer.
Well I remember getting
a nosh in June and I was
still smiling in September.


The weather is hotter than
a smackheads spoon.


Scientists discover female
snakes have a clitoris.
I wonder if they spit
venom and bite if you
can't find it, like human
females do?


A lot of people are
objecting to the idea of
a black actor replacing
Henry Cavill as the new
Superman, but I say it is
actually more realistic.
Considering the Man
of Steel's real parents
abandoned him as a child.

[Bikkie]

Brighton Belles
Just good friends
Butterflies
Joani loves chachi
The upper hand
Forever decreasing circles
Mrs browns boys
Birds of a feather.... these are just a few of the DVD box sets johnovox is hoping to get from father Christmas

He does have already a vast collection of material to watch but he hides them in case the police come to visit.




My wife just asked me why I'm drinking vodka at 1 in the afternoon.

I said it's Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve!







Why is it called an iPhone? It really should be called an earPhone!

I've just driven a twenty mile country road whilst smoking a joint.
I didn't leave any turn unstoned.







The newest Spiderman films are in order of 'Homecoming', 'Far From Home' and 'No Way Home'.

Now there's a black Spiderman the new one is called 'Fuck Off Home'.


What do you call a Muslim with a drink problem?

A Halalcoholic.

[george formby]

Low res pic of Santa accident while checking WoF worthiness of sleigh.

[Bikkie]

BBC News: Amber Heard settles Johnny Depp defamation case

She wouldn't have had to if she didn't shit the bed!



As a child Gary Glitter had been a child protege on the violin.

Once a kiddie fiddler always a kiddie fiddler.

What's the difference between Ronaldo and Messi?

Messi ain't a whiny little bitch

Oh and a world cup ??



So glad I watched the World Cup final, learned a new phrase.

'French Fightback'.



White men can't jump but they can certainly take penalties. Au revoir....



Goodbye Qatar World Cup 2022.

See you in C.U.M. 2026




Excuse me, where are the arnold shwarzenegger dolls in this store?

"Aisle B, back"

Is there a war going on in Qatar?

Because the French don?t appear to have bothered turning up.


Lewis Capaldi's song Someone You Loved has been streamed 2.6 billion times on Spotify.

A spokesman for the site said, 'His cheque for twenty quid is in the post.'


Director Steven Spielberg says he "truly regrets" the decimation of the shark population following the success of the Oscar-winning film Jaws.

From his jacuzzi filled with champagne in Hawaii snorting cocaine up his big Jew nose off 5 strippers' arseholes.



Steven Spielberg has apologised for the killing of sharks after filming Jaws.
So, Steven, when will you apologise for the Colour purple?




Never buy flowers from a monk. You will prevent florist friars




What a match The new Dr Who and his companion look like.

They should be on Pornhub, not The BBC.


Or is it Big Black Cock?