What's your sickest joke?

[Hoonicorn]

Not sick, but hopefully funny...


Tequlia won't solve your problems!

But it's worth a shot!


I'm not feeling well.
You should go see a doctor!

No I don't trust doctors, a doctor killed my father!
What happened?

My father, he had a pain in his chest, so he goes to see the doctor. Doctor says "You're alright", so my father leaves.... just 10 minutes later, "POW" my father is dead in the street!
Oh no, a heart-attack?

No, hit by a motorcar.
Well, you can hardly blame the doctor for that!

Yes, the doctor was driving the motorcar!

[Bikkie]

Just a quick reminder to all cat owners:

Now is the time to start feeding gold and silver glitter to your cats if you want to add that festive touch to your neighbour's flower beds.


Boomers: "I can't believe I wore bell bottoms!"
Gen-X: "I can't believe I wore my hair like that!"
Millennials: "I can't believe I was Goth/Emo!"
Gen-Z: "I can't believe I cut my dick off!"


Tyson Fury's showing off again since his defeat of Derek Chisora.

He has an extra gas bottle outside his caravan for Christmas.


I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over ?100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."



Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announce they have 'organised Christmas gifts for 30 refugee families' at the Mexico border.

That's got rid of 30 DVDs of the Netflix doco.

[Bikkie]

I wasn't surprised when lesbian female footballer Beth Mead won Sports Personality of the Year.

She licks all the boxes.

People got fucking livid with me at work when I called those faggots that do Drag-Queen-Story-Hour as "Groomers", saying that this word is now of course officially banned.

"Fine," I said, "i'd prefer to call them anyway what Google Translate translates this word to in French - "Les Clowns Toiletteurs."



Robert Downey Jr is...
Iron Deficiency Man.


I believe Gary Glitter's taking his family on holiday to Florida when he gets out of jail in spring.
Well I assume that's what he meant when he said he's going to Tampa with the kids.

Just in case anyone missed it last time around.


What do Harry Potter and the Spectrum of Gender have in common?

Both are fiction.


Wife: I hope you know I remember every single time you've called me fat and made fun of my weight. I have not forgotten

Husband: Elephants never do


Warner Brothers are bringing out a new superman movie in which he is black.

In this movie his kryptonite is an honest days work.

[Hoonicorn]

Gimme your phone

Here take it, it has a 2mp camera
only 2mp?

Its good, some people's faces look better blurry
I don't want that rubbish phone!

No, take it, it's fully charged, you can get internet on that phone... sometimes.
I don't want that rubbish phone!

I don't want it either!
Its your phone!

Just take it, I don't want it.
Just throw it away!

I can't throw it away, you have to recycle these things.
(Put it in a little bag and send it to Oxfam. Oxfam put it in a box and send it to starving people in Africa.)

(starving person in Africa opens the box) What de hell is dis? I don't want dis rubbish phone. I thought dis box would have a cake in it.

[Bikkie]

50 Cent is suing a Miami-based plastic surgeon for using a photo of him as promotional material for penis enhancement surgery.

Go shorty.




I wasn't surprised when
lesbian female footballer
Beth Mead won sports
personality of the year.

She licks all the boxes.




If you're having turkey for Christmas dinner this year, spare a thought for Chris Rock and Will Smith.
They've got beef.



My wife's getting a prawn ring for starters on Christmas Day.

I'm doing her in the fanny first, then the arse.




Jamie Oliver has a Hawaiian friend over for Christmas every year.

Upon greeting him, Jamie says, "Mele Kaliki, mucker!"


I hate it when people ask me if I'm a cat or dog person.

I've only been in Korea a day, give me a chance.


I asked the wife what my her friend gets from her husband for Christmas.

She said, "Elixir."

I replied, "After 25 years of marriage and five kids, don't you go getting any ideas."



Barman: what can I get you Santa?

Santa: Bells, Single all the way

[Hoonicorn]

Because he only cums once a year.

[Hoonicorn]

Eggnog-stic

[Bikkie]

Remember to start your
last wank of the year at
23.59 and 50 seconds.
That way when you cum
you can pretend the
fireworks and people
celebrating are you.




Today I found out what
Auld Lang Syne means
It's scottish for
"Thank God That Shit
Show is Over."






What's black and rhymes?
None of my record collection



The best things in life are free and so are the worst ones.


Apollo 440 said "You can't stop the rock."
This is obviously untrue as i was recently strolling down Hollywood Boulevard when I got an autograph from Dywane Johnson. He wasn't moving when he told me to fuck off either.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Especially the ones with cocks.



Now that the World Cup is over, we now have the ASEAN football championship.

Or as I call it, the Third World Cup.

Crushing news for women and daft men who suck up to them who proclaim that the Lionesses 'showed the blokes how its done'

After extensive investigation, it turns out that FIFA fiendishly pitted England's male football team against other World class male teams



After all these years I've finally found something good with multiculturalism! You can get a takeaway on Boxing Day



Shouldn't Lynx Africa be fly spray?


That markle bitch whinging about the paparazzi like it was her tits in the papers.

Fat chance of that though given its about the only thing she would be good for.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Nobody who fears long words knows this.



Black guy crossing a zebra crossing singing "now you see me, now you don't, now you see me now you dont. I tell you, worlds gone mad.



I took a moment to remember the people we'll never see again last night as I stared through my Christmas tree lights.
Queen Elizabeth, Olivia Newton John, Sidney Poitier, Jerry Lee Lewis, Bob sagan... Jonnovox.

[Piper]

Did you hear about the
American chocolate
bar that's using its own
pronouns?
Her/She


If anyone can prove I just
copy and paste my jokes
from other places, I'll give
them? 100


I think I realised why old
people piss themselves,
it's not incontinence they
just realised they made it
to 65 without committing
suicide, their dreams
never come true and it's
time for some payback.


Scientists say that
regularly masturbating
can help fight off the
common cold
And that stupid
compulsion to contact
your ex


A lot of people are
objecting to the idea of
a black actor replacing
Henry Cavill as the new
Superman, but I say it is
actually more realistic.
Considering the Man
of Steel's real parents
abandoned him as a child.

[Piper]

# Top Tip #

Cut all power off to
the homes of climate
Activists. They'll soon be
back on board with reality
once the charge runs out
on their iphone


Cocaine is never a
solution.
Unless of course you
dissolve it in water.


Your delivery will arrive
between 7 and 9
That's also how many
fingers the driver will have
left if he's late.


I wound the car window
down a little way and
asked this young Polish
girl how much she'd
charge me for a quick
hand-job.
"5 quid, but I'm not
dressing the tyres for
that." she replied.


Totally gutted..

Came home to find the
wife in bed with my best
friend..
I'd no idea they're both
Lesbians..


When we were kids,
we'd have New Year
celebrations and get
excited about the future.


That black Adam is shit,
not funny at all no Baldrick
or Melchett, not a patch
on series 2-4 get your
finger out Ben Elton.


You know you are getting
old when you have no idea
who any of the porn deep
fakes are of.


There's a big sale on at
the Lego store.
People are lined up for
blocks.


I've just caught my
foreskin in the zipper...
That's it, No more wearing
zip up boots for me.


To applaud a politician
because he/she has
built a school, hospital
or something with
public funds is just like
applauding an ATM for
giving you your own
money.


Aye you know you’re
getting on a bit when
the girl at the McDonald's
counter asks you if
you fancy a drink and you
wink and say, sorry darling
I'm a happily married man
and she replies :
FFS, it's part of the meal
deal you ugly t * * t


A Jamaican teacher asked
six year old Denzel to give
her a sentence with the
words: Defence, defeat
and detail in it.
After a few seconds he
said, "Easy miss, when da
horse jumps over defence,
defeat go first and den
detail."


My girlfriend's surname is
Decker.
Nobody will blacken her
name


When do we get to cash
in all this daylight we've
been saving?

[Piper]

Met Office : 2022 was the
hottest year since records
began.

Me: Can you tell British
Gas?. There appears to be
a discrepancy.


The biggest joke
on mankind is that
computers have started
asking humans to prove
they're not a robot.


Headline : Dame Kelly
Holmes 'feels free' and
'happy' after coming out
as gay.
People struggling to
pay their bills despite
working themselves into
the ground are said to be
delighted for her.


Just watching the film,
"Zulu."
It's about a load of
ignorant darkies stabbing
innocent hard working
white folks.
Nothing has changed in
140 years.

[Piper]

It will be ironic, if a black
Pope is elected, that he
will be surrounded by men
in white robes with pointy
Hats swinging crosses in
front of him.


In an interview, the Pope
suggested that the
Catholic Church may
allow priests to marry.
He said, "If there's one
thing that helps people
stay celibate, it's being
married."


Unfunny scruffy faced
Yid David Baddiel has a
book out called "Jews
Don't Count". Absolute
Bollocks. How else would
the greedy bastards know
how much money they
have?

[Bikkie]

BBC NEWS
Prince Harry: "I want my father and brother back".

Charles and William: "Once you've gone black, we don't want you back".


West Ham Utd.

No silverware in the cabinet.

No Gold in the boardroom.



I have the answer to solving our inflation and illegal immigration problems in one fell swoop.

Stop inflating the migrants' boats.


"Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?"


"No Mr Mercury, it's AIDS."


Victoria's Secret Brand CEO abruptly resigned today.
I knew the cunts were going bust!


Victoria's Secret Brand CEO abruptly resigned today.
Apparently theyve been going tits up for years.

My blonde friend just texted me saying, "What does idk stand for?"

I texted her back, saying, "I don't know".

She replied, "OMG, no one does!"




Scientists have created a new ultra-white paint that reflects 95.5% of sunlight reaching its surface.

Further proof that white's cooler than black.


I was asked how I feel about the Conservatives and the Labour Party.

You can mix a bag of fertilizer and a bag of Diarrhea and you've still got a pile of shit.


My neighbour Abdul's wife is a woman that gets treated like a Queen.

A Benefits Queen


I had a bit of bad news from the doctors today, he said: I'm afraid it doesn't look too good, You're going to have to have a foot off

On a positive note tho, it means I'll be able to wear my kilt for next New Year's celebrations without getting arrested again !




I had a bit of bad news from the doctors today, he said: I'm afraid it doesn't look too good, You're going to have to have a foot off

On a positive note tho, it means I'll be able to wear my kilt for next New Year?s celebrations without getting arrested again !


Tobacco companies in Spain are to be billed for cleaning up butts in the street.

Whoever came up with that proposal must've been a real asswipe.


Science news: Recent study's findings set to shock females around the globe

It turns out that, just because it is socially unacceptable for men to hit women, it does not in fact give females the license to be loudmouth ill-mannered entitled arseholes



Anthony Hopkins says he has been sober for 47 years.

So what did he really eat that guy's liver with, Ribena?



News: Studies find that attention seeking idiots taking photos of their poorly children to put on Facebook provides no benefit to their well-being

[Bikkie]

BREAKING NEWS:

"...Charles and Camilla wanted Catherine to spell her name with a K because there were too many Cs in the royal family."

Well they got that right!



When harry met salty



Prince Harry had a frostbitten penis at Prince William & Kate Middleton's wedding.

Others had the chicken.


I've just read an excerpt from Harry's autobiography and it it he says that he rarely found cocaine jokes funny

But occasionally, a one-liner would make him snort



Today's headline....Prince Harry says he took drugs to escape reality........and they did the job perfectly!
(Meghan must be on them too)



I don't know what all this fuss is with William and Harry having a fight, I tried to play the drums with our lad when we were kids but it didn't work out, the little twat flinched too much


Both King Charles and Prince William have stated that Prince Harry's boast that he has killed 25 Taliban is wrong.

They went on to say that they hoped that his bragging would not elicit any retaliation from the Taliban at any of Price Harry's public appearances at...

Saturday
13.00hrs. NBC Studios, Burbank
17.00hrs. Counterpoint Books, Los Angeles

Sunday
14.00hrs. California Polo Club, Los Angeles
20.00hrs. Beverly Hills Hotel




How is my tin of so called 'Scottish shortbread' actually Scottish...? To my knowlege it has never worn a kilt, eaten haggis, watched Billy Connoly or been impersonated by Mike Myers..!!

[Piper]

Harry was furious when
William knocked him into
the dog bowl.
In fact, he went spare.


All we are hearing about in
the news at the moment
are the two princes.
I guess that's what
happens when you call in
the spin doctors.


Don't worry folks the days
when a fight between two
Prince's usually ended up
in war where thousands of
peasants died in battle
for one side or the other
are gone.
In 2023 it's resulted in a
busted dog bowl and a
few more books sold.


Prince Harry has accused
his brother of physically
assaulting and knocking
him to the floor during an
argument over his wife,
Meghan Markle.
Also deserving of a slap,
Prince Andrew is said to
be awaiting one from his
great-niece Charlotte.


You truly have to feel for
someone that admits to
killing 25 people then can't
deal with a bit of name
calling and had to put up
with only being a Prince
for the rest of his life.
Poor little soldier.


The corgis loved that
dinner...
A bit of ginger snap in
their dog bowl.


One of the rejected
memoirs in Harrys book
is about how he can't
watch his, favourite film,
'The Dambusters' because
every time Guy Gibson
called his dog Meghan
came running.


The Sweet once sang
You can't put Willy
Where willy won't go.
Well I've just watched
'Anal Whores And The
Vegetable garden' and
I can only assume Mr
Connelly and Co had led
very sheltered lives.