What's your sickest joke?

[Hoonicorn]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100s on the counter.

The bartender tells him "That's the bar challenge, $100 to enter, winner gets all the money in the jar."

So the man asks "What's the bar challenge?"

The bartender replies "You have to complete 3 tasks.
1. You have to take down Bruno the former Wrestler, the 6'4" man at the back of the bar.
2. You have to pull a tooth from Jack, the Rottweiler mastiff cross, tied out the front of the bar.
3. You have to fuck old Martha, the 96 year old who lives above the bar"

The man deposits $100 into the jar and walks over to Bruno, kicking him in the balls and bringing him down. "1 down!" he says to the bar tender and patrons, then exits the bar.
The bar tender and bar patrons hear a loud growl from the dog outside, followed by some whimpering. The man re-enters the bar.

"Ok 2 tasks down, now where's the old lady I have to pull a tooth from?"

[Bikkie]

He is stealing a living, his wife is a funny shade of orange and nothing is ever his fault.

Prince Harry is a scouser.





Prince Harry has revealed he wasn't Best Man at the marriage of William and Kate.
I reckon that makes him a Spare prick at a wedding.


Easily get a Netflix series commissioned by breaking a dog bowl and killing 25 Taliban.



I'm just waiting for the part where Prince Harry claims that Kate Middleton gave him a blowjob.


'...Does anyone here know if it's true?

That a cat walking backwards inspired the inventor of the pencil sharpener?'


Join us this January for the event of a lifetime as a different man enters every 2 minutes until all 30 have come into the ring.

No ... This isn't WWE Royal Rumble ... This ... is Philip Schofield's 60th Birthday Party

Anne Summers have announced that they are going to start selling a new lager flavoured gel that women can rub on their "Bits"
However, campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hour "minge" drinking


Apparently porn creates unrealistic expectations of what pounding your beloved mistress is truly like



Having seen the interest in Prince Harry's book, Jeremy Renner is said to be planning to release his own early next year.

Working title: "Ploughing On"


Prince Harry's entire personality can be summed up by his quote "I want my family back"

Well, the first two words anyway



Apparently the Ginger Whinger Harry may have had a drunken leg over and popped his cherry with Katie Price. When contacted Miss Price was unable to comment as Harvey's cock was rammed down her throat.


Look on the bright side Harry...

At least it was Meg's bowl and not Camilla's trough.

I bought my new bride some cookery DVDs for her birthday to help her in the kitchen.


She bought me some porn DVDs on my birthday.

[Bikkie]

Why do we call it Emotional Baggage and not Griefcase?



Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc? So I don?t give eeffoc until I get my coffee.



It's easy to complain about the cost of space exploration, but we should remember all the great things that stem from it.

Like teflon saucepans, memory foam mattresses and Jean-Michel Jarre concerts.



I saw a copy of Harry's 'Spare' on TV and couldn't make out if the sticker on it said 'Half price' or 'Half Prince'.



Poem courtesy of John Phillips:

"I [CAN NOT] recommend this book,
It's about a man
Trying to make as much cash as he can
From spilling the beans and dishing the dirt
With no regard for who it will hurt
It's everyone's fault but never his own

He's had a life of privilege but does nothing but moan
He shamelessly uses his mother's name
Ms Markle's used him to find fortune and fame
He plays the race card when it comes to his wife

Has fled these shores for a more private life
Loves Oprah, Netflix and being on TV
He will talk to anyone for a large enough fee

I don't know about you but I'm sick of it all
I think it's time his father gave him a call
And gave him the news he was no longer Royal
We can't give titles to people who aren't loyal

Let's see how he does with an ordinary name
Just plain Harry Windsor, things won't be the same

Why can't he shut up and go live his life
Make my New Year and sod off with his wife.?



What do you call a wizard who's fallen down the stairs?

Tumbledore...




A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing, heck I can't even walk, never mind run in
high heels.

[Piper]

To look after your vehicle,
try Prince Harry car
Insurance.
Your no claims bonus is
guaranteed, because it's
always someone else's
fault.


Never mind, Sir Richard.
That wasn't the only Virgin
to not go all the way first
time.

[Bikkie]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Ringo Starr's most complex drum rhythm.



Thought for the day - Statistically, pretty much all of the hands that's ever prepared food for you have also been wrapped around a cock at some point....... Bon app?tit.


Harry refers to himself as the Spare Heir.

Quite fitting given that this is something that William has none of.



I really miss seeing my sons play football, especially when they first kicked a ball as babies in the garden.

So I've started to watch women's football to get that feeling back.



Top tip:

Pretend you're on Aussie Gold Hunters by simply wearing a shit hat, turning your heating on full in the summer, covering yourself in redgra, inviting some indigenous folk in to attract flies and slowly offering cornflakes onto your cocaine scales.



Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry's book is available to download.

She said do you want the PDF file??

I said no, that?s his uncle.


Looks like Tony Christie is going to forget the way to Amarillo.


'...The Psychiatrist dealing with Tony Christie's recently diagnosed Dementia explained, "The human brain is very complex."

"It's all 'avenues and alleyways", he went on to say.'


Why did cavemen used to drag women back to their caves by their hair, and not by their feet? To prevent them filling up with dirt



I met a black guy who told me he loves his job.

I said oh what field are you in?

[Bikkie]

I was telling my New Zealand neighbour I was buying some flat pack furniture He replied "do u think ikea



"What's the difference between a man who lends money secured on jewellery and a butch queen?

A man who lends money secured on jewellery is a pawnbroker.



Some of the Love Island stars are so orange that eating one out counts as one of your 5 a day





My wife said to me out of the blue,

"Are you going to come upstairs and give e a good anal bartering? "

"Fucking too right I am, but I think you mean battering, " I answered.

"There's a pair of very expensive shoes I want, I know what I mean. " She replied.




My cousin has been accused of selling out of date Irish Cream Liqueur.
The trial is at the Old Bailey's.


'SAUSAGES could be behind royal bust up' say sources.
I'm guessing William asked Harry what he thought of Kate and he said 'I'd banger'.



I've just bought a few copies of Prince Harry's new book. Just in case we go back into lockdown and the bastards start buying up all the toilet roll again


Health and safety has ruined Football. Anyone goes down and the ref stops play!.

In my day, a groin injury was the only time you got a dropped ball.



I somehow had an old youtube video come up from Trump's first campaign, where he went to the mostly black city of Cleveland and promised a "big return of jobs," and so many of them would have jobs that they'd "forget about playing basketball and who LeBron James even is."

In hindsight, it's completely clear to me now why they saw him as such a fantastic threat.




What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK...



A rabbit is running through the jungle one day and sees a hippo just about to do a big line of ketamine.

'Hey hey, don't do that' says the rabbit, you'll be spaced out for 30 minutes then that's the rest of your day wasted, why don't you come jogging with me, it's brilliant "
'Fuck off' replied the hippo

'Oh come on' said the rabbit ' i promise, you'll feel brilliant after'

'Okay, okay, if it will shut you up I'll give it a go' said the hippo and they both start jogging through the forest.

Wasn't long until they can across a monkey just about to open a bottle of Jack Daniels.

'Wow wow, don't drink that, ' said the rabbit
' I know it seems like a great idea but honestly it starts great but when the bottle is empty you'll feel sick, sad and tomorrow you'll have the mother of headaches, come jogging with hippo and me'
The monkey looks at the bottle then over to hippo who is nodding and says ' ah fuck it, why not, you've convinced me.'

All 3 start jogging through the forest.

In the next clearing 3 elephants were sitting down rolling spliffs.
'Erm....don't do that guys, you'll just be monged out for a bit, talk shit and then probably eat for the next 12 hrs, come jogging with us lot, it's brilliant, you'll feel ace'........promise.
The elephants look at each other then at the other animals and decide to give it a go.

Off they all set.

Just over the bridge they come across a lion cooking up some heroin on a spoon.

'Nooo' says the rabbit. ' Come jogging with meeeee...............an....'

Seeing the rabbit the lion suddenly drops the spoon, grabs the rabbit by the throat and rips his head clean off.
As his twitching body drops to the floor the other animals look at the lion in fear and confusion.
'I'm not being funny' said the lion 'but it's the same every fucking time that bastard rabbit does a line of speed'

[Piper]

The husband of that
American police woman
who fucked other officers
said that he is sticking by
her.
I'm not surprised. That
much cum would make
anyone sticky.


When you get gang
banged by the entire
squadron and the
pregnancy test shows a
thin blue line.


Shooting at Martin Luther
King Day party in Florida
injuries 8
Say what you like about
the darkies, but they
know how to put on an
appropriate tribute.


Tomk Hanks says that "No
one talks about his most
important film."
I had no idea he was in
Fight Club!


Then there's that moment
when you misspell a word
so incorrectly that even
auto-correct is like, "You're
on your own with this
one!"


Why do birds suddenly
appear?
Because they somehow
know when you've come
into money.


Startling news for women :
If it wasn't announced on
Facebook, it still happened.


This vegan was giving me
a lecture of the benefits of
water.
" To much is bad for you, I
said
Never heard such rubbish
in my life," he snapped at
me.
"OK", I answered, "didn't
do the titanic and it's
passengers much good
did it?"


If you want to know how
many bees Noah had...
Check the ark hives.


Never trust a woman who
needs glasses but doesn't
wear them:she'll never
see the issue.


I'm in A&E. I don't want
to go into too much
detail, but the' Dyson Ball
Cleaner 'is a dangerously
misleading product name.

[Piper]

BREAKING NEWS :

World's oldest person, a
nun aged118,, has died in her sleep.
RETURNED - UNOPENED


The wife decided to get
me back for cheating
with her mate on the
bench in my local park by
shagging my mate on the
roundabout.
What goes around cums
around.

[Piper]

Aqua-Man is the worst
Superhero ever.
But he does make women
wet.


Just A Tought:
Basil Brush going about
in public wearing a niqab
would shit people up a bit
wouldn't it?

What's the difference
between a black American
Gangster and Rishi Sunak?
A black American
Gangster is always
strapped.


One of the main reasons
I want a girlfriend in
the future is so I can
nickname her "Small
Package", and her
nickname for me would be
"Good Things."


I've had enough of this
gender neutral, non-binary,
Sam Smith, pansexual
shit.
It's always they versus us


My prostitute gave me an
STD
A super tired dick.


You know it's a good night
out when you duck out of
the pub to get more cash
so you can keep drinking,
get to the cashpoint, and
for the life of you can't
remember your PIN.


Just think about that
show "To catch a
Predator" and how they
exposed husbands,
fathers, faith leaders and
community leaders. But
NEVER a Drag Queen.


Linda Blair's role in the
Exorcist sure made her
one heck of a head-turner.

[Piper]

Why are women calling
men clowns? Last I
checked, clowns wear
wigs and makeup.


"My partner has been
depressed for years, but
won't seek help"
Tell him to file for divorce.


You know you’re having
difficulties with the cost
of living crisis when you
have to jump in a cold
shower to wipe your arse!


I'm thinking of starting
my own TV streaming
company. Just showing
films of druggies waiting
for their heron. I'm calling
it Next fix.


What do you call a
transgender man who
identifies as a woman?
I normally call them cunts.


The speed in which a
woman says "Nothing"
when asked what's
wrong? is inversely
proportional to the
severity of the coming
storm.


Henry VIII had many
wives.
He liked to chop and
change.


Shark attacks are to
be labelled 'negative
encounters,' To show that
predators mean no harm.
Well, I must have had a
negative encounter when
I had my phone and wallet
stolen at knife point. They
are just ignorant animals
acting on instinct.


Has anyone else watched
Dirty Rotten Scammers
on BBC1 with Michelle
Acterly talking and thought
they were watching
Planet of the Apes film?


There's a nudist
convention in my home
town tomorrow. I might go
if I've got nothing on.

[Bikkie]

What do the 50th anniversary release of Dark Side of the Moon and Gay Pride Month have in common?

It's all about the Money.




The woke brigade are gunning,
For the 'Dark side of the moon',
And I bet the whole thing started,
From a Paki or a Koon.
You will need to get your facts right,
It's been there before the gays,
And I bet that no-one's listening,
To your failed and futile craze.
So I bet you popped a boner,
The attention made you cum,
But to me, the lads and Floyd,
You are comfortably dumb.




A spokesperson for Pink Floyd has stated that, despite the rumours, the band will not be changing their pronouns to Us and Them.




Dammit!

I accidentally listened to The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, and I think the rainbow on the cover's turned me gay.

Now I'm in the mood for A Sausageful of Secretions.




The thick cunts complaining about the new Dark Side of The Moon cover are probably on the spectrum.



I just watched a remastered version of the wizard of oz. Can't believe how woke it was, singing about rainbows and shit. I'm boycotting it. Disgraceful!




If you switch off your electricity between 5 and 6pm, you'll get a tenner off your bill. Only if you have a smart meter. I don't have a smart meter.

Damn. I'm going to miss out on getting money back, for electricity I won't be using.



" Midwives to strike on 7th February "

They might have given nine months warning.



Famously, due to her less than accomplished singing abilities, Victoria Beckham's microphone was often switched off during Spice Girls concerts

Making her the only performer in history to be both a wannabe singer and a non-Wannabe singer





The Brit Awards has come under fire after no female artists were nominated in the Best Artist category this year.

Having heard the fucking state of new music nowadays, I don't think any male artists should have been nominated either.




I told my mate that I met a real minger in the pub on Friday, took her back to my place and banged her over the sofa.

It reminded me of that film I said.

Basic Instinct? he asked

No Enter the Dragon




Im a bit picky as trying to look after myself in 2023 but has anyone got any vegan, gluten-free, caffeine-free, uncarbonated, sugar free, locally sourced, organic, sustainably fed, BLM loving, Sam Smith adoring, trans promoting, white hetrosexual male bashing, free-trade crack cocaine I can buy ??



My gambling addiction has bought my family closer together. Since we had to sell our 5 bedroom house and move into a bedsit!




You know your watching too much porn when everytime you send your wife a message followed by xxx and hamster keeps popping up





A few years ago, Buzz Aldrin agreed to take part in a live interview and as the director used his fingers to count down silently from five, Aldrin leaned over to the reporter and said, "Nothing about the moon, ok?"

That was the only real countdown he ever had.



The coronation of King Charles III will champion refugees, diversity and volunteering.

Harry and Meghan will be used as examples.



My mate Dave just burst in through my door asking for a favour? But the daft c*nt tripped and fell into my stash of marijuana.

A friend in need is a friend in weed.

[Piper]

What do women and
swimming pools have in
common?
They cost a great deal to
maintain considering
the time you spend inside.


LGBQIA + The alphabet for
dyslexics.


I was called in for a
contract signing but IÂ’ve
been sitting here for twenty
minutes without a pen in
sight, cunt in the corner
flapping his hands about
worse than a autistic lad
in a porn shop.
My advice never try
and do business with the
Royal National Institute
for the Deaf.


I've just woken from a 10
year coma and the nurse
is testing my English
abilities. She just asked
me what my pronouns are.
Bit of an odd question.


You can tell the sex of an
ant by throwing it in water
if it sinks its a girl ant If it
floats is bouyant.


Is pornography damaging
the young children?
It is if they're in it.


What's the worst thing you
could come across when
surfing the Web?
Your keyboard.


With some peoples
surnames coming
from their ancestors
professions like Cooper
for barrel makers and
Baker from bakers.
Does that mean if your
surname is Dickinson,
your ancestors worked for
The clergy?


Donald Trump will soon
be returning to Facebook,
when his Meta account is
reinstated
Oh no! He'll swamp
the place with bigotry,
stupidity and conspiritard
Bollocks... Oh, wait...


Headline :"Princess of
Wales vows to help
children manage their
emotions better"
Starting with Harry.


A few gay people have
objected to straight actors
playing homosexual
characters.
They are less forthcoming
however on the subject
of stars like Rock Hudson
and Cary Grant exploiting
women around the world
by pretending to be
heterosexual heartthrobs.

[Bikkie]

Prince Harry has just revealed why he and his wife quit the UK. She took one look at the Queen's diary and said "Fuck it. I'm not doing that for the next fifty years".



King Charles has said that Andrew can no longer use the royal suites. A bit unfair. The best way for the paedo to attract kids is with sweets!



UK Engineers built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, etc, to simulate collisions with airborne birds to test the strength of these windshields.

NASA scientists heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new Space Force shuttles.

So the British sent a gun to our colonial cousins at NASA.

When the gun was fired, the Yanks were shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, smashed the new space shuttle's shatterproof windshield to smithereens, blasted on through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified NASA sent the disastrous results of the experiment back to the Brits, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the UK engineers for suggestions.

London duely responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken first."

[Piper]

S club 7 Member
complains that they are
not millionaires and are
homeless.
Makes sense now that
they have a song called
Don't stop moving?

[Bikkie]

I just saw Rob Zombie on the telly and thought somebody had microwaved Jason Momoa on high for 30 minutes.



Things are so desperate I can barely afford to buy essential items.

Such as alcohol drugs & scratch cards.