What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

.





What makes an apple so crunchy?

The screen.


I was in the Airport and happened to come across some of the "New" Ian Fleming books that have been hopelessly re-written by the Nanny-State PC brigade.

Especially curious as to how they redefined this one particular scene, I found out that James Bond, "Pinned her down in the barn, and then with his toxic male manstick that will be severed at first opportunity, criminally and brutally penetrated against her will Plus-Plus-Abundant Cervix."


I went for a job at a large building constructors and they asked if I had vertigo.
I said, "Oh yes I do, although not one of U2's finest songs though."

'...What is Peter Pan's favourite place to eat out?

Wendy's.'


I asked my wife to wear something kinky to bed last night.

The fucker dressed up as Ray Davies.




When Humphrey Bogart looked at the marble statue of the ancient mathematician, he uttered the famous words.....
"Here's looking at Euclid."


You are what you eat.

So that's why Sam Smith is such a dick


Scientists believe as much as 50% of the population may suffer from bipolar disorder.

Yeah. Women.


Kate Middleton BEATS Prince William as they go head-to-head on exercise bikes.

The only thing I can think of is Kates's bike had a missing seat.



I've just seen a black guy driving around in a Smart car.

I think he was compensating for the size of his penis.

[Piper]

I hate being a verger to a
priest with a lisp.
"Look I've got three
weddings, a baptism and an
exorcism. Can't you do the
mass?".. he said
When I told him that
equals five services in
total, he fired me.


Me and the missus have
a bank account solely for
buying cannabis.
It's our joint account.


I'm not saying the staff in
New World are thick but, when
I asked if they could
open Till 2,the manager
replied.. "We're already
open till 10 most nights."


Note to oneself :
Telling your wife to calm
down works about as
Well as someone trying to
baptise a cat.


A black woman asked
me if I'd join her and her
husband for a threesome.
Poly wants a cracker.


Woman and girls are no
longer permitted to watch
TV in Afghan because of
the telly ban.


Ed sheeran has released
a new hot sauce range.
I'm just glad he hasn't
released another song.


I tried some of Ed
Sheeran's new hot sauce.
It left a foul taste in my
mouth. Much like his
music.


I wonder how much BBC
pay Google to keep big
Black cocks under them in
search results?


What do call a bloke
who's shit at fingering?
Mr Bean


I was following a recipe
which stated "chop
potatoes into reasonable
sized pecies" I thought
"reasonable? if I knew what
reasonable was, I wouldn't
be divorced."

[Bikkie]

A research study showed that 97% of Smurfs have blue balls.



"How on Earth would I play dead if I needed to? " Asked my wife.

"Easy, " I replied, "pretend we're having sex. "

A few of us were in Subway today.

Leroy's wife asked for a footlong.

Gino's wife asked for a 6" with meatballs.

My missus asked if they did a 3" surprise roll with instant disappointment.



Americans have took gender politics with a new chocolate bar to celebrate the madness.

The Her/she bar is now on sale at most Gimp shops.



Retirement is like being on permanent holiday.

Without any money.

Or sun.

Or girls in bikinis.

Or booze.

Yes, it's like a holiday in Rochdale.


Scientists have discovered the real reason women favour big strong partners

It gives them the freedom to be the nasty arseholes they really are towards female shop assistants



What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Ka Ching

[Bikkie]

I like to inflate my blow up doll halfway. That way it's like shagging a supermodel.


What's got a fat lip and two black eyes?

Half the women in Manchester tomorrow



Man Utd fans have been offered free pop today after Liverpools thrashing
7up




I haven't seen Manchester get fucked that badly since that Ariana Grande concert



Listening to someone the other day and I wasn't sure if they were drunk or having a stroke.

Then I realised that they were just speaking Welsh.



Pretend that you're at an orgy by purchasing several second-hand, oozing, blow-up dolls.

Turn it into a gay orgy by inflating them inside out!







I haven't seen Manchester get fucked that badly since that Ariana Grande concert

Listening to someone the other day and I wasn't sure if they were drunk or having a stroke.

Then I realised that they were just speaking Welsh.







I don't even want to talk about my Muslim blow up doll.



If you ever wonder what its like to be free and single again, watch and admire her longingly, as she packs her
bags for a work trip or a spa weekend away




Despite having white fur, polar bears have black skin.

It's no wonder I've never seen one on a Father's Day card.




There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[Bikkie]

What did Gary Glitter and the tortoise have in common?

They both got there before the hair.




New golf course opens, very big, very posh. All the rich white folk are there, suddenly in walks a black man.
Walks upto the reception desk and says "Me want to join de golf course", the receptionist looks horrified "Im sorry we are a new respectable club, if you go out of the main gate, turn right and 5 minutes down the road is the old golf course, they take anyone".

"No you not understand me, I want to join dis 'ere golf course" said the black guy. "And you're not understanding me!" said the receptionist angrily; 'Out the main gate, turn right and 5 minutes down the road is the old golf course, they take anyone!".

"You no understand, I is Usain Bolt, worlds fastest man, I'm wanting to join dis 'ere club!" said the black man.
The receptionist looks shocked and says "Im sorry Mr Bolt I never recognised you, how silly of me; IT'S 2 MINUTES DOWN THE FUCKING ROAD!".




Did you see Stevie wonders new car?

No?

Neither has he



In a interview Stevie Wonder was asked " how do you cope being a musical genius and blind" his reply was " well the blind part isn't the problem, one thing keeps me. Going knowing at least I ain't black"




Moving to London in view of the breaking news.

Londoners to get 13 inches over the next few days.



Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because the last one to have a dream got shot.




When Bill Gates dies it'll be curtains for him!

[Piper]

Today is International
Women’s Day so I told
my wife to have a lie-in this
morning.
Waiting a extra half hour
for my breakfast is a
small sacrifice to make.


It's International Woman's
Day.
I think it's fantastic.
That we let them have it.


Today is International
Women's Day 2023..
Or, as us men call it, that
time of year again.


As it's International
Women's Day I've let the
wife off with cooking my
dinner and I'll wait until
I've had a shower tonight
before I make her suck my
cheesy cock.


Somehow, International
Women's Day seems an
appropriate date for the
England Cricket Team to
start a test series.


My wife came downstairs
shouting excitedly - "It's
International Women's
Day!!"
I said - "Speak when you're
fucking spoken to."


Happy Women's Day Siri
and Alexa, the only women
who listen to men.


Happy International Women's Day.
They're all just as miserable
as ever though.


To all women on
International Women's
Day.
You're welcome and we'll
have a takeaway tonight.


International Women's Day
cause it's not like women
pat each other on the
back for the rest of the
364 days about how tough
their life is.


It appears International
Women's Day was a HUGE
success.
Women from all over the
US demonstrated their
femininity by not making
up their minds about
whether they wanted to
celebrate it or not.


Happy International
Women's Day!
I'm sure all the ladies
around the world who
are forced into arranged
marriages, physical
mutilation, slavery,
serfdom and dressing up like
a pint of Guinness are all
fucking delighted with the
progress you've made on
their behalf.


International Women's
Day certainly helped make
me aware of how far we
have to go with the issues
of gender inequality and
everyday sexism. I'm sure
I speak on behalf of many
blokes when I say that
all the birds who helped
organise it deserve a pat
on the bottom for their
efforts.


This lady that makes
the same as me lectured
me today that as it's
"International Women's
Day," I should remember
how on averge women
only make 83 cents
against 100 of what a
man makes.
I explained though how
if the ridiculous incomes
of Jeff Bezos and Bill
Gates are removed from
the men's side of the
equation, then it magically
becomes even.


I went to Starbucks today.
As I remembered it is
International Women's
Day, I paid the girl only
83% of the price of a cup
to demonstrate the gender
pay gap.


It's important to have a
day for women a week
or so before the big
st.patricks day clean up.


Happy International
Husbands of Dishwashers
Day.


On International Women's
Day, I'm seeing loads
of tweets featuring the
hashtag # Trans women Are
women Too.


I really don't know what
they are trying to achieve?
Do they seriously want a
pay cut?


My girlfriend said that
'International Women's
Day ` is a time when we
should celebrate that
women are independent
now and that men
can't control how they
look anymore as they
know what's best for
themselves.
So after she's finished
painting on her Nike tick
eyebrows, she's popping
into town to get some
more plastic pumped into
her trout pout and then it's
onto the tattoo parlour to
compete her sleeve.


'Join Loose Women on ITV
to celebrate International
Women's Day ;
Yes, birds sitting on the
arses drinking coffee and
chatting inanely while men
are at work will make a
nice change...


As it's International
Women's Day, this woman
at work was blowing on
The Bullhorn.
I also call my cock
"The Bullhorn."


Money is no
object............ but every
woman is.
Happy Woman's History
Month!


Does anyone know when
International Women's
Day finishes?
I'm starving.


Does International
Women's Day include the
one with penises?



My missus came home
waving her new vibrator at
me,
"As it's International
Women’s Day, I've
replaced you with this,"
she said
"Cool," I replied, "hope
it can mow the fucking
lawn."


It's International Woman's
Day and I've treated the
wife to a top-notch, no
expense spared steak
meal of her choice.
I just hope she fucking
cooks it right.


Happy World takeaway
day, guys!
They think it's Women's
day, so don't ruin it for
them.


To celebrate International
Women’s Day I told my
wife to celebrate by
making me sandwich.


Women get a day and
sharks get a week, I'm
surprised there's not
more blood in the water
over this.


Happy International
people who ovulate day.

[Piper]

When is was "International
Women’s Day" a few days
ago, my wife zoomed a
livestream meeting with
her Feminist group, where
the topic was "fighting for
equal rights."
The fat warthog running
it just laughed and said,
"we already got all those,
now we have to get and
keep even more Special
Privileges."


That Tik Tok video of Sam
Smith resembling Dennis
Taylor is beginning to
make sense now.
They both enjoy gobbling
up a long pink after
screwing a difficult brown.

[Piper]

I was out in London one
night and got chatting to
some hipster bird. It went
really well. We had the
same tastes in films and
music-particuarly 90's
stuff-and before I knew it
I was in a cab back to hers
kissing her passionately.

We went up to her
bedroom where she
dropped her knickers,
Tossed me a condom, and
said -

"I hope you like making
love to Titanic and Savage
Garden"

"I'll do my best" - I said,
frozen in a state of shock.

"But fuck me I'd struggle
using a Flymo on that."


I bought an old pub for
Next to nothing and I'm
converting it into a dog
refuge centre.
Well I thought
Inn for a penny
Inn for a pound


Chef: How would Sir like
his steak cooked? Rare?

Diner: What is rare?

Chef: A black woman
reading a book.


Chef ' How would Sir like
his steak cooked? Rare?

Diner: What is rare?

Chef : A black man reading
a Father's Day card.


What do you get if you
cross an octopus with a
black man?
One hell of an cotton picker.


" Would you drive 5
minutes for a blowjob?"
said a pop-up ad on
Pornhub.
Well I thought, if the
Proclaimers can walk 500
miles...


One thing you won't see at
a masturbation addiction
meeting are people
shaking each other's
hands.


Whoever said 'all roads
lead to Rome' is a liar.
3 times now I've been
around the M25 and I've
not even seen a poxy
signpost!


My wife and I had a minor
falling out.
So I rushed her to the
hospital.


My mums niece married
my Dads brother.
She's my cousin and my
aunt.
I'm confused.
Can I legally fuck her, or
not?


I used to work for a security
Company and one of my
jobs was to drive Mick
Jagger and Keith Richards
around for a month.
Anyway, one day they
both decided they were
going for some drugs in
Paris and I couldn't find
them again, got sacked
as soon as I got back.
Anyway it turned out to be
a blessing in disguise as I
was offered a job writing
for a slimming publication
because every woman
wanted to know...
... how to lose two stones
in a month.


I sent a text to a mate
of mine. "I'm going to
be: fucking your sister
tonight."
Ne replied, "Lol.
Punctuation fail."
I replied, "Not with what
I've got planned."


I'm in the hospital after
being diagnosed with bad
camouflage disease.
They've just moved me to
ICU.


I'm slowly getting over
my phobia of ejaculating
inside women I'm cumin
out of michelle.


'Hump day " where adults
who could definitely
totally be having
sex... aren't. But want to
remind you they're super
like super cool hip people
who talk casually about
the sex and aren't in any
way desperate or lonely.

[Piper]

Happy St. Patrick Stewart
Day.
Patron Saint of Making it
so.


St. Patrick’s Day is the day
when domestic violence is
legal...


What has eight arms and an
IQ of 80?
Four girlfriends drinking
on St. Patrick’s Day.



I identify as Irish today
because I once watched
an episode of Father Ted.


As an Englishman, I'll be
celebrating St. Patrick’s
Day with my Irish mates
on their public holiday.
Remind me, when's St
George's Day again?


Since the Good Friday
Agreement, St Patrick's
Day is the only day of the
year the Micks get to have
a blast.


I have the luck of the Irish.
Went to the shop today
and they had no fucking
potatoes.


For the first time ever, a
gay group will be allowed
to march in New York
City's St. Patrick’s Day
parade.
Actually, the Irish and
gay people have a lot in
common-they both love
six-packs.


Why have Comic Relief on
St. Patrick’s Day?
I thought they were trying
to avoid "White Saviours"
ruining the vibe.


On this very day, a few
years ago, my dependence
on anything Irish started.
Since then I've woken
every day and the first
thing I need is to drink
Guinness and listen to the
dubliners or pogues, while
dressed as a leprechaun
and doing a jig.
So here it is my
confession...
I've been a Craic addict for
years now.


What do you call a white
gay man sitting on top of
a gay black man during
sex?
A pint of Guinness.



What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio Furniture.

[Piper]

The app is called TikTok,
because every video you
watch you are reminded of
the reasons humanity is
running out of time.


Tik Tok is a place where
underage girls dance
provocatively for free
Apparently.


The cool thing about
sneezing is when you do,
you automatically ask for
a tissue.


What do you call a
transgender Native
American?
A boy named Sioux.


85% of women admit to
having used vibrators.
The other 15 % say they
bought them new.

[Piper]

I have to admire my
feminazi sister's honesty
with her use of pronouns
on social media.
She identifies as Hit /Ler


Women: "WE ARE
DEFINED BY MORE THAN
MAKING BABIES!!"

Men: "Cool. I can be a
woman too then. Hey
look! We're better at being
women than women are!"

Women : "...... We are
defined by making babies."


The level of pollution
in the world today is
becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I
opened a can of sardines
to find it was full of oil and
all the fish were dead.


What does a nymphomaniac chicken
sound like?
Fuck-fuck - fuck - fuck....


Mates deaf dad just got a
job as a gynaecologist.
Apparently he just has to
read lips.

[Piper]

I used to enjoy keeping
score at Afgan ladies
sporting events - but now
there's a tally-ban.


I was telling a joke about
inbred people in the pub,
and a woman at the next
table overheard and took
offence.
"That's terrible!" she said,
"what would you say if
you were born in those
circumstances and heard
someone joking about it?"
I replied, "I'd probably say
something like, Dang,
pa! I gone bin done run
mahsef ova wit da track-tor
agin!"


Do gay vegans still eat
sausage?


I found out today, that
some women like sex,
beer, can drive well and
Park a car.
It was also clear these
women are men.


I asked my doctor if I'm
healthy and she answered
" I don't know. Mercury is
in Uranus right now"
I told her I don't believe in
astrology.
"Neither do I. My
thermometer just broke."


At a couples counselling
meeting the speaker
mentioned that couples
are so disconnected that
85% of husbands don't
even know their wives
favourite flower.
Bruce turned to his wife and
whispered, "It's self rising
isn't it?"


My daughter brought
home a transgender
vegan nigger.
He called me a racist,
bigoted, earth destroying
cunt.
I called him an
ambulance.

[Piper]

I was testing out my new
spotlight in the garden
last night with my mate
Dave the Dwarf whilst
listening to Queen.
... I saw a little silhouetto
of a man.


My mate Dave only has
one leg but it didn't stop
him from getting a job at
the brewery. They put him
in charge of the hops.





My Korean friend was
very happy when I offered
to take her out to have a
spot of dinner.
Turns out she thought I
said have Spot for dinner.


Eric Clapton once said
something like, "Being
a Racist is better and is
a more fulfilling step-up
from drugs."
I still credit him as the
main reason I was able to
quit smack.


Did you know cows kill
more people than sharks?
I am actually quite
surprised that cows kill
any sharks at all....


My mate says he saw a
deer on his way to work
this morning. I said, "How
do you know it was going
to work? "


My mate quit his job at
BMW.
He of course gave no
indication he was leaving.


What's the difference
between my wife and a
Yoghurt pot?
A Yoghurt pot doesn't
moan when I lick it out.

[Piper]

I remember when times
( pun intended ) were
simpler. I had two clocks
over fireplace, one set at
BST and other GMT. One
faced wall then when hour
needed changing I just
put other clock to face
wall and spun the other
around.
Now I'm married I hear
"Don't forget to put clocks
back" every day for a
week. "You can have an
extra hour in bed." Nag,
nag. I'm not supposed to
change clocks until 2am
as if world might collapse
into chaos if I did them
early. As for hour extra in
bed SHE has extra hour in
bed. Takes me a fucking
hour to go through every
room changing clocks!


I normally hate putting
the clocks back an hour
but it doesn't seem that
bad this year. After all, the
government have already
put us back to the 70s.
Where's my flares.


Turn the clocks back this
weekend.
But where to?
1970,1980?


Surprise your significant
other at 2am Sunday
morning.
Put your cock back.

[Piper]

April Fools today.
No one gives a fuck
though, only joke’s ’s the
power bill.



An unemployed Jester is
nobody's fool..


I'm having a really hard
time with April Fools Day
this year.
Because I always believe
women????


For every "I'm pregnant"
April Fools joke.
I'm replying" It looks like
you put on weight. "


April Fools pranks would
work better on a day
nobody knew it was April
Fools Day.


Police have been driving
behind me with their
sirens on and lights
flashing... I know it's April
Fools Day and people like
a practical joke but it's
been nearly half an hour I
think these guys might be
taking it a bit far.