What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Bad news for Dyslexics
this morning.
Your Cocks gone Black

[Piper]

( epitaph )

I wouldn't be here if it
wasn't for my wife.


Had to go to my son's
new school for parents
day, and he had a young
dippy teacher there who
said, "our next lesson
is now going to be on
browning."
"For fucks sake," I
said reflexively. "Is
there fucking anything
anymore that won't work
this creating half-breed
mongrels miscegenation
agenda shite into fucking
everything?"
Wound up getting a years
ban from the premises as
she was talking about the
poet Robert Browning.


I'm so poor under this
fucking government, I've
no idea where my next
tattoo is coming from.


I watched a documentary
on cannabis last night...
Come to think about it,
That's how I watch all
documentaries.


Did you know that the
animals went in two by
two in alphabetical order?
So Noah got the name
of his boat from the
Aardvark.


With their price rises,
this winter the power
companies will be fucking
more old ladies than
Wayne Rooney.


My gay friend Peter, said
he had a sore hamstring.
I asked, "Have you tried
getting some Deep Heat?"
"No," he replied. "Cock is
the last thing on my mind."

[Piper]

To the person who stole
my glasses last night...
I will find you, I have
contacts you know!


'The early bird gets the
worm.' - Gary Glitter.


Just before we went into
interrogate the suspect,
I asked my colleague on
the force Dave, "Are you
wearing a wire?"
"Yes" he moaned, "I
think ill have a chance
to actually get promoted
if I pretend to be fucking
trans and wear a flowery
bra underneath."


Ladies, don't waste your
time asking a man what
he wants in women, I'll
save you the effort,
generally it's his penis.


Always wanted to join a
circus.
So I've decided to become
a member of The National
party.


Opened my fridge and
thought I heard the spring
onions doing Bee Gees
numbers, but it was just
the chives talkin.


Statistics are like soft
porn, what they reveal is
suggestive, but what they
hide is the best part.


The Bachelor is a dating
show about a man who
dates multiple women,
mainly watched by women
who hate men that date
multiple women.
Just saying.


Don't want my neighbours
thinking I'm rich...
'So I turned a few lights
off.'


A bad electrician charges
the earth.

[Piper]

All my life I've been under
the impression that air
was free. That was until
last night, when I bought a
packet of Bluebird chips!!


Me: Hey, I mess with your
vibe. Wanna get a drink
sometime?

Her: Sorry, I got a
boyfriend.

Me: My dog did a number 2.

Her: What?

Me: I thought we were
talking about shit that's
irrelevant.


Where do you have your
giga bytes of data?
On the satellite dish.


Sex has gone downhill
with the Mrs so I bought
her a dildo.
"It looks like a carrot!"
she said
Which is ironic as her
fanny looks like a donkey
yawning.


How come The Simpsons
are yellow, yet Akira is the
only Chinese person in it?


I recently went on holiday,
and as we began our
decent I said to the flight
attendant. Isn't it a bit
early to get the flaps out??
She said, Well I usually
get them out when we
take off.


My wife was very
disappointed with the CD
of classical piano pieces I
bought her for her birthday.
"But I'm positive I
overheard you telling your
sister that you wanted
some Chopin" I said
"You idiot!", she huffed "I
said I wanted a new chip
pan!


I hate having Parkinson's
I haven't dipped a Ginger nut
biscuit for ages.

[Piper]

Why did the blonde only
change her baby's nappy
once a week?
Because the packaging
said 'up to 10 kilos'


Two newly weds turn up
at a hotel and ask for the
honeymoon suite, the
receptionist asks do you
have reservations? The
bride says yes, I'm a bit
nervous about taking it up
the arse.


"How would you feel
about a threesome?" my
wife asked over breakfast
this morning.
"Wow, that would be
amazing!" I said.
"Which of my friends
would you like me to ask?"
She went on licking her
lips seductively.
"How about Rachel and
Gemma?" I replied.


One day, the teacher
asked her class, "What
vegetable makes you cry?"
Little Johnny replies "a
turnip Miss."
"No Johnny" says the
teacher, "onions make you
cry, not turnips"
"No Miss," says Johnny,
"obviously you have
never been hit in the balls
with a turnip."


The teacher wrote on the
blackboard, "I ain't had no
fun in months"
Then asked the class,
"How should I correct this
sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his
hand and replied, "Get
yourself a new boyfriend
Miss."


When Ellie Simmons has
her periods
Does it make her a red
dwarf?.

If you're dating a hipster,
chances are it's because
they don't find you cool.


If there's no such thing
as a free lunch, why do
people turn off their
central heating in the
summer?


Just seen Dionne Warwick
in the street I asked for her
autograph and she just
walk on by.


Old McDonald had a highly
intelligent computer
programme.
AI-AI-O


Not a joke but is it just
me...

The world is going insane.

LGBT whatever taking over
with no idea who identifies
as who and people getting
offended for everything
just for attention.Posting
likes for attention.
All adverts/TV shows
need black Asian white
transgender people.

The LGBT community
want to be included and
don't want to be different
to anyone else or want
attention but decide to
throw pride parades to
be different and seek
attention.

End of day. I don't care
who or what you are as
long as you don't ram it
down my throat. Rant
over. Love you all.

[Piper]

I'm doing my bit for
Black Lives Matter:
Happy birthday
Ritchie Blackmore.


How am I supposed to
believe humans are the
dominant species when
a spider is over here
building a house with their
arsehole?


I once snorted some iffy
looking coke with William
Shatner.
If anything, it was
probably warped speed.


If only black people
avoided crime with the
same passion with which
they avoid verbs...


Why do we teach
our children to never
get into a car with a
stranger.... unless, of
course, it's a Taxi, that's
being driven by a guy
called Abdul who looks
like he came here on a
raft that was made out of
human limbs?


Yank-FBI Agent

Brit-MI5 Agent

Russian-KGB Agent

Paki-News Agent


When someone says,
"It's better than sex" they
haven't been having the
right kind of sex.


I've just been sacked as a
set designer.
I left without making a
scene.


Might as well enjoy life
while you can.
One day we'll all go online
and see a check-box that
says, 'To continue, click to
prove you're a robot'.

[Piper]

Weather forecasters are
uncannily accurate these
days. We were told to
expect a had frost and
the very next day, David
Jason kicked me in the
Bollocks.


What do weather
forecasters have in
common with Nazis?
They often lie about
showers.


BBC's Glamping
weathergay Owain
Wyn Evans was asked
what was his favourite
song... he said, "it would
have to be that song
by the weather girls
obviously...
I'm draining men
ooooooo"


That lovely weather man
Owain Wyn Davis can
play the Drums.
He has an excellent
rimming technique.
ooooooo..

Last night I had a couple
of Marheritas followed
by a few tequila sunrises.
However they weren't the
only things with salty rims
I was tasting
Oooooooooh.


I just phoned my mate to
say I've been sweating
all week since I got a
massive tax bill from The
Revenue. He said, "is it
because you've no way
of paying it?" I said, "No I've
fucked off to Spain and it's
38 degrees."


The difference between
Ironman and Ironwoman
is one is a superhero and
the other is a command.

[Bikkie]

Sad news in women's football today as it was announced the England captain Leah Williamson is injured and will miss the world cup in Australia. The only time she will be going down under now is on her girlfriends




Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"


I'm not doing that naked gardening shit this year.

The ladies around my way weren't happy about me trimming their bushes.




Having sex can make your day.

Having anal sex can make your hole weak.




Knock

Who's there?

Rick Allen from Def Leppard



Knock..
Who?s there?
The drummer from Def leopard!



I went out on the piss last payday, and ended up talking to a couple of prostitutes in the pub.

They drank me under the table.



The new Dr Who won't be the first black time traveller.

That honour belongs to one of Bill Cosby's victims.



Now that the little mermaid is black, it explains that treasure trove full of stolen stuff



"Top five answers; we asked 100 people to name something inappropriate to wear at work."
Me: "Blackface?"



It was so noisy last night, you could hear a pin drop.

We went bowling.



1kg chicken fillet - $5,99
Bug spray - $2,48
The look on the cashier's face when I tell her "considering all the chemicals that I have put in my body over the past 20yrs, I don't have any problems with you putting them in the same bag... " - priceless



Blood sweat and tears, the best lubrication known to man



Just wondering. If a couple of gay black guys adopt a child, how do they decide which one is supposed to abandon the family?




Judging by the way the new Dr Who dresses, his companion better be earning.



The ladies in town call me SpaceX.

I tend to explode 30 seconds after launch.





I've been told that posting racist jokes makes me a racist but, in real life, I would never discriminate between coloured people and normal people.



Just seen the new actor playing Doctor WHO!

Golly!



"You always have to have the last word, don't you."
"No."



The cat hunting competition for kids has been cancelled in new Zealand. The Chinese kids there are devastated, they've been training all their lives for this



What do stoners & prime numbers have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get!







Women are like floor tiles; Lay them right, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.




My son just told me that he now identifies as female, so I did what any father would do.

"What? tell him that you love him no matter what and will support him in his decision?"

No, took him off my car insurance



Wan can be a first name & kerr a surname.

I just wonder?




Why a young, free, fun-loving man would want to throw all that freedom away to call himself a husband for the sake of one woman is a mystery.

But TWO wives!?

That's a bigamistery.




My girlfriend has been looking at this thing in Japan they call "rui katsu" - "crying therapy", it would seem. Anyway, she put her arms around me and asked me to put my arms around her, then she whispered in my ear, "Baby, I feel like we're drifting apart. You're amazing, I promise you - I just want you to cry with me for a bit while we're in each others' arms. This may sound like a very strange request but, will you try to help me cry?"

So I admitted that I'd been fucking her sister.



A guy came up to me at a party and said, "I used to fuck your wife before you were married."

I replied, "Yeah? Me too."




Britain's Got Talent has Ichikawa Koikuchi blowing out candles with his farts.

Just when we thought the show would be cancelled.



Just got scammed out of 25 quid...
I bought a Tiger Woods DVD called "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.



I walked out of my local shop today and outside was a tramp. Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vicinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."



So shouting ' Go on son, push like your pushing a black man off your mother' isn't acceptable during the scrum at U12's rugby matches any more. WTF ?????



Don't know what I ate last night but it exited my bowels quicker than a black man out of a job centre.



King Charles stands up for Ascot protesters saying he can relate to the cruelty and upsetting images.
After all he himself has to wake up to something that resembles a dead horse's head on the pillow next to him every morning.



Why do most women hate giving oral?

It means they have to shut the fuck up for a few minutes.



Blacks are always complaining Band-Aid plasters are pale for white people.
However, white people don't complain knife handles are black for black people.



Years ago my dad told me if I ever get caught up in a fight in a snooker hall, put a ball in your sock.
Worst advice ever, they kicked the shit out me while I limped around trying to get out.




Lenny Henry reveals his own family could have faced deportation in the Windrush scandal.

Who's laughing now?



The word 'shark' was coined in 1549 when English sailor, William Michael Griffen saw a Great White swimming towards him and, in sheer panic, tried to scream three different swear words at the same time.




"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.
I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"
She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my fanny and we'll start again."




"Before we go any further," she said, "I think it's only fair to tell you that I don't go all the way on the first date."

"I'm guessing that you're new to prostitution aren't you."

[Piper]

I caught a black man that
had broken in that was
in my wife's separate
bedroom. I asked the
jagaboo what he was
doing.
He said, "I'm looking for
money."
"Great, I'll help you look.


On the day of her wedding
a black girls mum calls
her aside.
" My daughter, tonight
when you go to bed your
husband will want to do
something you've never
done before. "
" What's that? " she said.
" He's going to want to put
his most precious item
where you piss."
The daughter looks at her
confused... "Why would he
want to put his basketball
in the sink?"

[Bikkie]

True story
As I walked past a few protesters in Edinburgh city centre I couldn't resist shouting 'FREE PLASTICINE!' in my best Homer Simpson voice to the people holding a FREE Palestine sign.
I was hysterical at my own joke and o e of them called me a fucking bastard which made me laugh even more. The police told me to jog on and my tinder date went for a pish and out the back door of a pub for her own safety.
She smelled of onion soup a wee bit and slightly boss eyed but I suppose I could have just said she wasn't for me and went home.

I'm still laughing my head off at the wee guys face with the sign and I've no idea why this is making me sick laughing.




Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck



My sister told me she's shagging an ice cream man.

I said "Won't that make his cock melt?"



What's the difference between arsenal and the band 'queen' ?

Arsenal will never be the champions



BBC News: Freddie Mercury.
Queen singer's personal belongings to be auctioned off.
Quite ironic, a room full of Queen fans waiting for the Hammer To Fall.




Steven Spielberg has said that 'no film should be revised' based on modern sensitivities.

Great! I'm really looking forward to seeing the uncut edition of Birth of a Nation.



Avoid vegans at swingers parties by not picking the electric car key fobs out of the bowl.




What do Nicola Sturgeon and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris sites.



A Barbie with Down's syndrome is the latest doll to be released by Mattel, joining dolls with a hearing aid, a prosthetic limb and a wheelchair after criticism that they did not represent real women.

So when are we getting the 'big thick hairy veiny meaty cock with realistic spunking action' Barbie?




New down syndrome Barbie doll released?. Surely an updated Mrs Potato Head would have been more appropriate?




I always smile when I shake a Muslim's hand.

It's the one with which I wipe my arse.



Looking forward to seeing the new film starring Macaulay Culkin as a gay man struggling financially, when Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern rescue him by borrowing him some money

Homo Loan will be released to cinemas this summer



BBC news ? Police who stopped driver found ?10,000 of cocaine, a lamb and a bag of chips?

Pablo Escobarrrrrrrrrrrhhh


Alexa technicians excited by latest advance in capability.

When asked for the number of pi, Alexa correctly gave the 1973 phone number of the BBC



News:

Live lamb found in car along with large haul of illegal drugs on motorway near Glasgow.

Police say they are keen to speak to Anthony Hopkins regarding the find, but are not hopeful that the lamb will cooperate with their enquiries.




Why are Germans terrible marathon runners?

Because they're shit at finishing off races.



Watching the London marathon this morning reminded me of my old man.

He said, "Run once and you will run forever."

Fit man, shit criminal.


Some fucking coon called Kelvin won the London marathon and even set a new record.
Next week the cunt will be on the telly whining that he has to walk around the corner to get a bucket of water for his village.



What do you call a Muslim transvestite?

Mustafa Cock


Knock Knock
Who's There ?
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
The Police
How are Asians likes a box of chocolate?

Either way they will kill your dog



My new girlfriend wouldn't let me fuck her in the ass.

"I don't understand," I said, "you told me you were like a machine built for anal!"

"No, I said I was an asthmatic."


'Knock knock'

Who's heir?

'Not you, you whinging ginger cunt'


Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Knock Knock

Neighbour: "She wont hear you, she's deaf."




Knock Knock

Oh nevermind Ducky

I'll slip in through the backdoors

Oooooooh




I had to get the plumber in as i had a leak in my bathroom toilet.
He said "your soil pipe is fucked mate".
I replied "I do know that Ducky, but I got you here to fix the loo".

Oooooooh.


I just can't get used to these modern game console with the hand held controllers.
I prefer the old ones when you could wrap your hand around a big throbbing joystick.

Oooooooh



I saw an old lady earlier. Her face was grotesquely contorted by rage that it almost didn't appear human.
Out of her mouth spewed the most foul language that at first I she must have been possessed by demonic forces.

Turns out, she was just trying to use the self service checkouts at New World.



Knock knock…

Who’s there…?

Dave the Dwarf who can’t reach the door bell.



There have been four Formula 1 drivers with Scottish towns in their name:

Lewis Hamilton
Johnny Dumfries
Stirling Moss
Ayr Town Centre


Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knockers on that Nigella Lawson.

Come on in, Stuttering Steve.

[Bikkie]

When I picked my son up from football training, the coach said "I think he'll be a regular Gary Lineker when he gets older."
"Really", I replied, "you think he's that good at football."
"No, I didn't mean football, he's just becoming a right little cunt!"



A new movie adaptation reimagines Robin Hood as a black man.

He steals from the bitch, and gives to the ho.


Ant and Dec have been sent to Sudan as part of a desperate attempt by the government to help some badly needed NHS doctors escape that country.
?Why Aye Man? said Ant, or it might have been Dec, when the Foreign Secretary put the request to them, ?nay problem? said Dec (or Ant?it?s difficult to tell which one is which now that one of them no longer wears handcuffs) ?but it?ll cost a stottie and two Greggs sausage rolls?. ?An a saveloy dip with pease pudding?? added the other one to an increasingly confused Foreign Secretary.




Which account is the most blocked on Twitter?

The National Constipation Society.




It's a sign of the times, that there's illiterate and dyslexic people who suddenly know what their fucking pronouns are.




What goes quick?

A duck from New Zealand.




As I watched this large man in a tight leotard with his tuck coming undone gyrating around in front of an audience with many under 18 clearly in attendance, I said, "Is there anything they won't push this drag queen shite on ?"

Turned out it was just the actual 'Beyonce'



Why don't ants get Covid?

Because they have these little antibodies....




My niece texted me this morning: "I'm never gonna dance again."

So I replied, "Guilty feet have got no rhythm."

Turns out she'd been knocked down by a bus.


What's the difference between a rock band and a jazz band?

A rock band plays three chords in front of 50,000 people. A jazz band is pretty much the other way round.


I'm not saying Newcastle women are sluts, but last time a flasher exposed himself there some chick had his cock in her mouth before he could get his coat back shut.

Holly Johnson announces reunion for the Eurovision Song Contest.

A rail strike is then announced for the same day of the competition.

Looks like Frankies Going Nowhere.





So boys who else has suffered a wrist strain watching Mirra Andreeva in the tennis?



Police in London have stopped using tear gas and pepper spray in favour of Ariel Ultra for use during riots.
According to the manufacturers it's guaranteed to stop colours running.

[Piper]

Why did it take so long
before there was any
female astronauts?

"Houston we have a
problem."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing."

"Please tell us."

You know what the
problem is. "


If anyone wants a list of
my favourite Bugs Bunny
quotes, I'll send them to
you on a WhatsApp doc.


I wouldn't say my nephew
is thick but when his
teacher asked him if he
could name a famous
dictator he said King
Edward.


You can tell how old
someone is by asking
them how much they paid
for their driving lessons...


How do dragons blow out
candles?


I asked my date, "do
you have any favourite
books?"
She said, "yea, 1984"
I said, "wow, that many?"


I went into my local and
for once I fancied a man
like beverage, so I asked
for a pint of real ale.
I lost control of myself
when the nice young
barman pulled me off a
good head.
Oooooooh


My father used to say :
Better out than in.
Great bloke, lousy prison
guard.

[Piper]

I was telling a female
colleague that my
nickname for the Mrs. is
'Jelly Bean.'
She said, "Aw, that cute,
how did that come about? '
You should've seen the
look on her face when I
replied,' Because every
time we shag she smeart
lots of KY onto her clit. '


I was practising some
conversational French
with my wife, and I told
her she should say" I
Brush my Teeth " as " Je me
brosse less dents. "
" Or in your case, I added
just 'Je me brosse le
dent. "


A sperm donor, a
carpenter and Julius
Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he
conquered!


It must have been a great
day in the Deep South,
when Blavks were finally
allowed to play Whites at
chess.
A lot easier than when the
pieces were all white.


Q: What's the similarity
between a Black man and
a Motorbike?

A: They both work a lot
better with chains...

P. S I am in no way as you
might think of as a racist,
sextet or oin anyway.

[Bikkie]

"Morning Paddy."
"Morning.Fourth of May
be with you."



A joke for May the 4th

"Yoda,it's tooo tight,I can't
get it in"
( Yoda in a sinister voice )
"Use some force Luke"




Did you know Yoda had a
last name?
Layheehoo.




Luke Skywalker's sister
was a bit hard of hearing.
So HanSolo gave her a
Cock-Leia implant.





Why does princsss Leia keep
her hair tied up in buns?
So it doesn't Hang so-low






Luke: What's for dinner tonight,Dad?

Anakin: Wookie steak.

Luke: Is it any good?

Anakin: It's a little chewy



"Can we introduce a third party to the bedroom?" questioned my wife.

"Absolutely not," I replied, "I will not allow another man to put their cock inside you."

She said, "Right...okay, well our decorator is here to do some work..."




I asked my mum when I was a kid what the difference between a mistake and a deliberate mistake was,

"Well she said, a deliberate mistake is when you do something wrong on purpose so you're not asked to do it again, and a mistake, well here's a mirror. "




Life without women would be a pain in the arse.





Britons have been invited to swear allegiance to King Charles at the Coronation.

Dunno about that, but if I see Prince Andrew I might swear some allegations at him.





With the new Arcturus strain now in the UK, this Saturday's Coronation parties will certainly live up to their name.



Why was Noddy unhappy?

Because Big Ears didn?t want to play Cum On Feel The Noize at the Coronation.





Ed sheeran vows to quit music if he is found guilty of copyright. Fingers crossed ??



Lawrence of Arabia walks into a newsagent's & says, "20 fags please mate"

"Camel's ok?"

"Mind yer own fucking business"



Make sure you're never mistaken again for Eric Clapton or Bob Marley by simply shooting the deputy.



Why is a black dad never there?

They don't know they are one.



What's the difference between a shed and a hut?

A shed didn't order the execution of Luke Skywalker.



what does a dildo and tofu have in common?

there both meat substitutes





Diners at a sushi house in Abbey Road were forced to flee after a gang threatened staff with knives and set fire to the restaurant.

They came in through the bathroom window.




Puma pants.

I did that once.

[Piper]

A partial Coronation
itinerary for Queen
Consort Camilla has been
circulated to Royal staff :

Balmoral, then into the
Bentley onto Pall Mall, via
the Embassy, Diplomat
and Consulate, finishing
with Picadilly then the
Sovereign.

What cigarettes the new
Queen will be smoking
after the ceremony, to be
announced later.



Apparently King Charles
has an 11.9 inch cock.
He's not quite the ruler
Camilla was hoping for.


Does anyone know when
the Coronation will end.?..
I need to set my alarm.


Royalists will be happy
tomorrow, the King's
Coronation will certainly
please the asses!
Oops, I meant the masses.


Bloody nightmare
just to get Corgi
Registered..... first
you have to have a
Coronation...


I'm off to Coronation
Street party this weekend.
I think I'll go as Vera
Duckworth.


"We should all swear
allegiance to King
Charles"

"Ear Ear"

"Eh?"

"... I mean Hear Hear"