What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

I was relieved when the procession horses disappeared from the screen, because the dog finally stopped barking at them.

Then I realised we still have hours of Camilla to contend with.



I wonder if that annoying ginger cunt who everyone hates, and his stupid girlfriend are going to the Kings coronation ceremony.



Ah yes. All of the past prime ministers just arrived at Westminster.

Seems fitting that the coronation should be attended by everyone who has royally fucked the country up in recent years.



Just been to the Tower of London to look at the Crown Jewels. There's fuck all there.
Obviously some black cunt's wogged them away.




The nation celebrates as long-term unemployed man finally gets a job.



Massive street party on our street today.

Fuck all to do with the coronation, the Pakis at number sixteen are fucking off.



Noncey Goes To The Cathedral (2023) - by Enid Blyton

Noncey: What are you doing today, Big Ears?
Big Ears: I'm having a big, sparkly hat fitted.
Noncey: I'm hoping that I can still fit into my little one.




Glad there is a Coronation today.

At least Frank Lampard will get a rest from the media





London, U.K. round about noon, in an old cathedral, a geriatric man removed his fur coat and stripped down to his boxers before the entire congregation before being led away by a bemused archbishop.
Police later appealed for more witnesses but believed it was probably just another failure of care in the community.



Since King Charles III is now defender of the Protestant faith in the United kingdom I assume he will start doing missionary work in various UK cities such as Leeds, Bradford and Liecester as well as several in towns in Lancashire, not forgetting amongst the papists in Northern Ireland.


The coronation between King Charles III and Queen Camilla was filmed in 3D.

Experts say this is terrible news for King Charles' ears...
I set all my devices to French to help study my foreign language skills.



It was a bit hilarious then when my wife was trying to catch some of the useless inbred cunt's coronation, and the picture stalled a bit and the caption read "L'ecran est mis en tampon."



Wonder if Prince Andrew will be having a Coronation chick in tonight?



Seeing him in the big purple hat, Prince Charles is looking more like his Mother every day.



Dismal weather in London today for the Coronation of King Chaz.

Good to see he's got his hat on ready for the reign.




It was a good job King Charles had big ears to stabilise the Crown, otherwise the Crown would have fallen off his head!




Seems that ginger knob Harry is whinging about being in row 10 at the Coronation. Doubt if his Dad even got an invite.





The Royal Mint are having problems distributing the new King Charles commemorative five pound coins, as they can't fit them into the display boxes, should have made the boxes to a shape that looked more like a miniature World Cup!




Is everyone okay? I just heard there was a nuking in London.



Nice to see the darkie singing group at the Coronation. Didn?t think much of their song though - Camptown races would have been much better.




Monarchs....... They don't make um like they used to. We got 70 years of trouble free use out of the last one before it finally broke. But this one looked second hand and worn out before we'd even fitted it !



Sat down to watch the Coronation, got my cock out ready when Penny Mordaunt appeared....
....Then Camilla was being crowned. The service finished, but I didn't.




All those bone idle cunts years ago who wanted to be Coronation Day flag sellers.
I hope you fuckers are at work!




Why was Noddy unhappy?

Because Big Ears didn’t want to play Cum On Feel The Noize at the Coronation.




Today there's no one alive who fucked the queen....
Tomorrow after Camilla gets coronated though we'll be in double figures,





It’s May, where it may snow, it may be sunny, it may be hot, it may be cold, it may rain all day or it may not.



Think Heinz knew about the 57 varieties of gender long before the rest of us.



China's population is peaking.

No, you fuck off.




Just seen an advert showing me how to sound like Ed Sheeran.

It was easy, all I had to do was learn a Marvin Gaye number.



My mate has a really bad stutter.
By the time he told us his nanna had died we were all singing Hey Jude



When a stallion has too much Testosterone, cut its bollocks off and it calms right down.

Why can't we do that with Trans activists?.





The actor, who played Spiderman, was indecisive about being in the new William Shakespeare play?

Tobey or not Tobey

[Piper]

Actress Adjoa Andoh
was allowed to lament
'the terrible white balcony'
during Coronation
coverage on the BBC
I think you'll find all
balconies are white love.
They don't have them in
countries that haven't
mastered the second
storey.


When the Queen died it
was an end of an era. And
the start of an Ear-er.


What do dyslexic racists
hate?
Gingers.

[Bikkie]

Robert De Niro - The Oddfather



Robert de niro, a father at 79.
Always thought he has a good pair of raging balls.

Oooooooh.


# Robert De Niro's mating #





Robert De Niro has become a father again at the age of 79.

Some people say that's way too old, but at least he's used to changing nappies.



Yanks.

It's called watching a film, not a movie.

It's filmed on film, not movied on movie.

Duran Duran were correct.



The plot of Bad Boys 4.
Will Smith has to kill every man who had sex with his wife.

It's going to have the biggest body count in Hollywood history.





What have covid vaccines and Jimmy Saville got in common? You have to be careful they don't give you a stroke






In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.





So they tanned his hide when he died Clyde,and that's it hanging on the shed.

Might be a bit presumptuous with this one...


Who would be in advertising?. Firstly the straight customers stop buying Bud light because there's a tranny on the can. Then, LGBTQ bars refuse to sell it because the tranny is dropped.

How do you know which way to turn?.



Budweiser Light - Drink Responsibly.

Doctors advise: caution, may cause you to wake up with anal bruising

I had to find out the hard way that a local shop often mistaken for a barber, is in fact a brothel

When I went in and asked for a number 2 all over


I just saw Quinten going home with a big black guy.

That'll put some colour in his cheeks, oooooh.



After another row between us my wife broke the silence by saying, "This isn't working, is it?"
It was like a huge weight had been lifted of me and I turned to her and said, "Thank God you feel the same way! The thought of living in a loveless marriage for another 20 years was overwhelming me. I'll get the divorce proceedings kicked off first thing in the morning."
As tears welled up in her eyes, she replied, "I was talking about the microwave."



I'm really getting pissed off with my Muslim neighbour.

He's getting on my goat



I was on a date with this bird and she told me she loves it 'greek style'.

Sadly she was just talking about yoghurt.




After Penny Mordaunt reveals painkillers and comfy shoes got her through carrying the coronation sword, TV viewers credit morphine and tramadol with getting them through the coronation concert. Or even coronation street for that matter.



I have a Chinese friend who is loyal but rude.

His name is Fuk Yoo.




63 Earths can fit inside Uranus.
64 if you relax.


A survey has revealed that 8 percent of American adults believe they could beat an elephant in unarmed combat.

Well, to be fair, quite a few of them have a significant weight advantage.





Son told me he saw 2 black birds fighting over bread on the way home from school.
I asked 'where. in the park?'
He said no, in New World by the checkouts



Left the house for work this morning, only to find that all four tyres on my SUV had been let down.

There was a note on my windscreen that read, 'Just Stop Oil has taken another gas-guzzler off the road!'

So I plugged my tyre pump into the lighter socket and reinflated them. Took me all of five minutes, but the drain on the battery meant I had to run the engine the whole time. Well done, Just Stop Oil, that's done the planet a lot of fucking good.



My wife left me because she "needed more space".

Bitch is working for NASA now.


Disney execs baffled that Mario movie made $1 billion without any trans goombas.


The trouble didn't start after Eve ate the apple. It was after she ate the mushroom. That's when the snake started talking.




Why do they put white bits in black pudding?....
To stop niggers biting their fingers




What do dyslexic racists hate?

Gingers




When the Queen died it was the end of an era. And the start of an Ear-er


I just found out recently that, unlike Scotch Whisky, Irish Whiskey has an e in it.
That explains Paddy down the pub's incoherent blabbering.



I'm a white boy but I identify as a black kid.

My dad fucked off as soon as I was born.



As I laid on top of my large spherical wife last night after orgasm, I felt like I was "On the Moon."

Boldly going where every black man has been before.



It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road, what's important is it was pure poultry in motion.




BIG SAVE are crafty bastards.

I bought a 2 seater sofa last week because they said that there would be 50% off.

They've just delivered a one seater.

[Piper]

I wonder if Elton John's
kids were able to find a
'Happy Mother's Gay'
card.


Happy Mother's Day to all
my one night stands.


Took some flower seeds around
to my mother's on Mother's Day.
Didn't want to be seen walking
down the street with a bunch
of flowers in hand.


"Thanks for the Mothers
Day card Son and thanks
for writing 'You're the best
Mum in Clapham' that's
lovely, but why has my
flowers got a sympathy
Note?"


Black kid hands over his
Mother's Day card and says,
"Here you go Mum."

"Thank you son"

He asks, "Mum do we
have a Father's Day?"

She says, "Yes we all have
a father for one day."


Raise your glass in a
toast to all the mums on
Mother's Day, if they didn't
drink a stiff one before
conceiving you they
certainly had a stiff one
while conceiving you.

[Piper]

I bought a ticket to see
Elton John in concert in
his final world tour. Just
to be absolutely fucking
sure.


"Darling, have you seen
the dog bowl?"
"No, I had no idea he could
bowl."


Dyslexic Dave Myers loves
skiing.


Depending on the time
of the week they say the
average hotdog stand
goes through 200-400
Wieners in a night just like
your mum when she was
in her prime.


I like where I live.
The only time I see a
black person is on the
Television.


Trans women aren't really
women.
If you ask me they're too
big for their boots.


What do you call a
Chinese Bob Marley fan?
Wei Xaming.


My girlfriend been going
down on me every day for
The past month, I think I
need a puncture repair kit.





What's the lesbian's
equivalent of a cock block?
A Beaver dam.


According to the office
for National statistics, the
number of herion addicts
is shooting up.



"It's quite murky today,
expecting it to be damp
for the next few days.
Hopefully clearing up by
the weekend."
Optimistic stuff from the
Doctor as she finished
looking at my cock and
writing the prescription
after my latest dose.


SAVE THE PLANET!
It's the only place you can
get beer!


" What's the first record
you bought with your own
money? "
" How many hotdogs I
could eat in a minute."


The wife thinks I'm
Jewish.
Just before licking her out
this morning, I said, "Yum
Kipper.".

What do you call a soldier
with no legs?
Army.


Why are there 4
unnecessary letters in
"Queue", when it only
makes the Q longer?


The word "queue" is ironic.
It's just a "Q" with a bunch
of silent letters waiting in a
line.


My wife for some reason
sent me a pic where she
was completely nude
except for wearing a
policemen's hat and she
was holding a set of
handcuffs... she texted
with the pic, "If lusting
over my body is a crime,
would you boy arrested? "
I texted back," I've spent
the first 60 years of my life
not in jail or prison and I
fully intend to die a free
man. "


My daughter's black
boyfriend boasted with
pride that he'll go his
entire lifetime and never
have a job.
"What?.... have they
now officially reclassed
you as Antique Fam
Equipment?"


Women are like spiders.
I don't mind the petite
ones that don't cause a
fuss but the big hairy ones
can fuck right off.


Studies have shown,
100% of car crashes are a
women's fault...
55% of the time she's
driving and the other 45%
of the time she's walking
down the street dressed
provocatively.


A good friend has just
been fired from his job
with the 999 Emergency
call centre in London.
A man called Abdul
phoned and said, "I'm
depressed and lying on
the railway track waiting
for the train to come, so
that I can finally meet
Allah."
Apparently, "Remain calm
and stay on the line..." was
the wrong response.

[Piper]

My wife left me because
she said I was obsessed
with James Bond, I was
shaken but not stirred.


My Dad said Always ask
before you take.
Great Dad lousy thief.


A boa constrictor can
dislocate its jaw to handle
larger meat.
Just like your mum.


My wife just gave birth
today and after thanking
the doctor, I pulled him
aside and sheepishly
asked, "How soon do you
think we'll be able to have
sex?" He winked at me and
said, "I'm off duty in ten
minutes, meet me in the
carpark.


Me and my mate used to
do doorwork at a pub near
a convent.
We asked if they needed
the whole martial arts
team to keep the peace
but they said they'd be
happy with just a couple
of nun chuckers.


As I was close to climax
in the bedroom last night,
my fat wife shouted at me,
"Give me the motherload!"
"Fuck off, that's why I
invited your mother in here
for a threesome in the first
place."


Asian actor, Simu Liu, is
to play the Ken doll in the
new Barbie movie.
Wouldn't it have been
easier to just get Ken-doll
Nagasaki?


I always carry a picture
of my wife and kids in my
wallet.
It always reminds me of
why there's no money in it.

[Piper]

The New Male: A-Z Dating Guide...

Athletic.No tits...

Beautiful. Pathological liar...

Contagious smile. Takes a lot of pills...

Dynamic. Depressed...

Emotionally secure. On
medication /Frequent
Psychiatric Visits...

Free Spirit. Junkie /Hippie... Gentle... I will
be single forever...

Honest Eyes. I'll cheat on you and you'll
never know... hehehehe...

I love doing Yoga and running with my dog. A
really good lay...

Jovial Princess. Only child...

Kindness. Only calls herself a keeper...

Looking For A Man with
ambition. Gold digger...

Mentions the word "Love"
in any way shape or form. Clingy...

No Baby Daddy Drama. Baby Daddy Drama ( Lookout! )...


Outgoing. Loud and Embarrassing...

Passionate. Sloppy drunk...

Quick witted. Easy to anger...

Romantic. Annoying...

Spontaneous. Will Have sex anywhere...

Talented Liar. Unconditional... Been cheated on ( paranoid, clingy )

Voluptuous. Possibly Fat. Wants. Soul mate stalker...

Xany. Lazy and Bored quick...

Young at Heart. Father Issues...

Zest. Slept with everyone..

[Piper]

'... I spent last night
defrosting the fridge.
Or foreplay, as she likes to
call it.


Statistically worldwide
Nigerian Tinder is the
easiest dating app to
guarantee getting fucked.
Simply empty your bank
details and hey presto.


Darling,
I've bought the apparatus;
one knee-pad each and a
whistle I'll blow when it's
time to change ends...


I got sacked from United
Utilities call centre for
Hanging up on their pervo
customers. They kept
ringing up saying, "I got
sewage coming out of
manhole."


My son was in a physics
class when he was asked
to give an example of a
solid, a liquid and a gas.
Shit, piss and fart was not
what the teacher expected.


How do you get a Jewish
girls number?
Roll up her sleeve.


I always thought that
astrology was a load
of old bollocks, but a
new study has found
that by comparing the
horoscopes of gay men
from the 1980's with their
life expectancy outcomes,
there is a very strong
correlation.
Basically, if Mercury was
in Uranus at any point
in that decade, you're
probably dead by now.

[Piper]

As per beanflicker's post
right enough, the British
pound is not worth a wank
Nowadays.
The old ones with the
Queen on them were fine,
but I can't shoot my load
to Charles.


At a conference in NYC
a former high ranking
Mobster and Prince
Charles are having a
conversation, "Y know
what you see in movies
like The Godfather isn't all
that accurate to real Mob
life" says the mobster.
If you don't want to go
along with something we
wish to do you can relax - you
won't wake up with
a horse's head on the
pillow! "
" Let's leave my wife out
of this if you don't mind "
responds Charles.


I was in a local shop
the other day when the
Duchess of Cambridge
walked in. I thanked
her for supporting local
products and she looked
me straight in the eye
and said," wank my hairy
crutch " Actually she may
have said," thank you very
much" but because I'm
partially deaf, I suppose I’ll
never know.



According to a recent
survey, 20 of British
people use the internet
"almost constantly"
The other 80% only stop
using it when their wife
walks into the room.


If I could tell my younger
self anything I'd say enjoy
your teens.
That's what I'd tell my 40
year old self.


Apparently there is a
documentary on TV about
the G-spot, but I can't find
it...


Quinten has asked me to
help him out with some
issues settling up his
home PC.
He says his Zip is down,
his floppy keeps poking
out, and he feels he needs
more bytes on it.
( credit, Humphrey Littleton )


If you try to get through
life obeying the Ten
Commandments, you'll
probably end up on tablets
yourself.


BREAKING NEWS :

I've got TWO weeks to live.
The wife's going away for
a fortnight.


As my Grandad was
violently shaking and not
conscious to the world,
I said to Gran, "I think we
should unplug him."
"Indeed, he just hasn't
been the same since he's
bought this VR headset
for his porn."


I was once in the USA and
I head one young man
say to another, "You da
bomb?"
They were Muslims, so it
was a question.


"Hey Abudl what do you
call a camel with three
humps?"
"A prostitute.


I'm off to see my gay
friend later who has some
interesting birds in the
thicket.
He keeps a young chicken
but there are also wild
breeds there and I can't
wait to see his woodcock
pullet and swallow...

( credit : H. Lyttleton from I'm sorry I haven't a clue. )

[Piper]

Yesterday I saw a happy
Chinese couple pushing a
pink rosy cheeked baby in
a buggy.
It can't have been theirs.
After all two Wong's don't
make a white.


I'm off on an expedition to
find a cannibal tribe. I'm
sure I'll be safe though
I'm bringing my friend
Stew and his wife
Peaches.


During breakfast, my wife
said she was leaving me
because of my obsession
with Twitter.
I nearly choked on my
#brown.


I had to admit I'd got the
wrong end of the stick
about' petting zoos' when
I got chucked out of the
Lama enclosure with my
stepladder, lipstick and tub
of swarfega...


My daughter's useless
black boyfriend that
auditioned for X-Factor
said he wanted to be
"Usher".
I did all I could to help the
failing jigaboo out and
got him a job at the local
cinema.


Her on Tik Tok : When you
find out the real reason
guys like sundresses ( and it's not because they're pretty )
Me: Who doesn't want
snacks that are easy to
unwrap?


I think I speak for all men
when I say:
It's only a four minute
video, fucking get on with
it.


'... I realised I was dyslexic
when I went to toga party
dressed as a goat'..


For women 'send me a
pic' is where you lose all
respect for him.
For men it's 'What's your
star sign'


If you put chicken
before any Italian football
players name, it sounds
like quite a nice dinner
Chicken Locatelli, chicken
Tonali, chicken Bonucci,
chicken Verratti.


When my wife packs for a
Holiday
She basically moves out...


Thank you to the mum
at Life Pharmacy with the three
screaming kids.
For reminding me to buy
condoms.

[Bikkie]

Ireland first to label alcohol with health warning.

Scotland leads the way in practical advice through naming their favourite tipple:

Commotion lotion
Good morning your honour
Cumbernauld rocket fuel and
What the fuck are you looking at

All of which can be used to purchase this healthy elixir and gives good advice as to the effects.



Guys, just because a woman smiles at you doesn't mean she's into you, what you?re experiencing is an optical delusion.




How does a black girl tell if she is pregnant? A: When she pulls the tampon out all the cotton is picked.



Why do goats head butt ?

To keep Muslims away from their kids ?




Went to sleep on my left side last night and dreamt I won 50 million on the lottery I woke up on my right side It must have been a rollover



I just found out that France has surrendered its hosting rights for the 2025 Rugby League World Cup.
Gee! It's not like France to surrender.



If someone says "Your chicken is unseasoned".

Remember to tell them their culture is underdeveloped.



Philip Schofields career in tatters

Bit like his boyfriends Arse




Me and my friends are having a competition between us who can steal the most from our local pet shop This week I managed to take the lead




What's the fastest way to get to the drummer's house?

A1
A2
A1234



What do you call two queer Irishmen?
Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael



What does AIDS stand for?
Anally injected death syndrome



My divorce settlement was like an Argentine footballer.

Messi.




The wife and I were playing poo sticks today.

We weren't at the Hundred Acre Wood.

We just threw branches with shit on at Bradford locals.



What's the definition of disgusting?

Shagging your granny then licking the sweat off her back.

Credit: Jerry Sadowitz




Philip Schofield is in talks with the BBC to present a new series of the clothes show.
I suppose It makes sense after he spent so long in the fucking closet.



I told my mate that I was playing a game and a couple of spades let me down. He asked what card game was it?

I said, 'Card game?' No, it was football and Leroy and Jamal were the culprits.

Phillip Schofield to leave ITV's This Morning with immediate effect,

Graham Norton has offered him a job but said he'll have to start at the bottom.




Are they ever gonna quit making fast & furious movies?

What's next? Fast 11 ?Never forget.?



At my funeral please take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who's next.



What have Arsenal FC and my wife got in common?
They get beaten regularly.




They say some women have been around the block.

In that case my ex is a bloody satnav.



Why did the trans man order salad?

Because he was a her before.



This morning: Phil Schofield has had to pull out.

Usual Saturday night for Phil then.



Phillip Schofield falls on his sword. A pork one presumably



Just phoned me local Kebab House.
Do ye deliver? I asked.
No, we do lamb, chicken & beef, innit boss.




Phillip Schofield to leave ITV's This Morning.

I'm sure he'll be back on top in no time.



In a way, the population of Britain is like dog poo.
Varying in shade from Black to light Brown plus, there were definitely more white ones in the past.




Voting Conservative is a lot like wanking.

Nobody admits to it but there are still a lot of wankers out there.





Meghan and Harry;s car chase shows it's time for King Charles to apologise and pay for security!

I mean if you really want a car crash then you need your own security team to make it happen



Do you ever wonder why Welsh greyhounds run so fast?

That's because they've seen what they do to their sheep




Arguing with my wife is like seeing a rock band in concert, she always starts with some new material.

But then goes back to the same shit I've heard a thousand times before.



This year I've been told the kids would love new tablets for Christmas.

I can't wait to see their little faces when they open their Tramadol and Codiene.




I once had a job where I had near death experiences almost every day.

I was a traffic warden.



I'm not a gynecologist,
But I'll take a look.



I always pour whiskey on the rocks.

Probably why no one buys drugs from me.



The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped.

I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.



Harry mate, don’t sweat it. I bricked myself first time I went in a NYC cab too.




I went up to the black lady in the parking lot that does the "mandatory diversity training," and I asked her if I could buy some crack !

"It's cus i's black, innit !?"

"Not at all, I figure you have to be high as a fucking kite after you said in there 'Every single institution in this country serves only to benefit straight white men !'."



The wife and I have regular sex.

Blue moons are regular.




Intelligence is like underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off




Kate Middleton reveals she is still 'learning to be a royal'.

Until she gets the hang of doing fuck-all, she'll never get there.



Tom Hanks is releasing his autobiography next month.

T.Hanks for the memories



Americans say red, white and blue are the colours of freedom, so why in my hired car in florida, did those colours flash behind me before a big cop used his baton on me and locked me up for three fucking days?



"My friend married an American record producer, rapper, singer, and songwriter."

"For real?"

"No, Pharrell."



Thieves have broken in to my house and stolen all my coffee, my Red Bull and my Monster energy drinks.
Honestly, I don’t know how they sleep at night.



Ed Sheeran’s new song reminds me of the girl I pulled in a club last night.

I must’ve also been dancing with my eyes closed



I hark from a time when women had breasts and no tattoos and men had tattoos and no breasts.


Ah well, such is the price of progress.

[Piper]

The wife was always
moaning that I'm lazy
and how I have it easy at
work, so we decided to
swap jobs for a day and
exchanged everything.
She got the sack.
I had coffee with the
girls, a lovely facial at
the spa and got my nails
done... before some bloke
named Leroy phoned and
asked me when we could
meet for a fuck again.


My colleague said to me
"I can't wait to get home,
rip the wife's panties off
and give her a right good
fucking. You?"
I replied, "No thanks, I've
seen her."


I've been buying birthday
cards for everyone at our
local Tourettes Society.
It's the thought that cunts.


My wife left me because
of my obsession with rugby.
I suggested we have another
try.


A smile is contagious ; just
smile at someone and see
their reaction.
For that extra bit of
excitement, do it with your
cock out.


There's a sign in the
window of my local estate
agents that says, 'We' ll sell
your house for $1,000:
Fuck that, I want at least a
hundred grand for mine.


I have to wear high heels
Everytime I'm changing
the light bulbs in the
house.
Either that or my wife
would have accused me
of cheating after she
found them under the bed.


If you watch the Batman
The dark knight trilogy as a
business lesson : you learn
that if you put a nigger in
charge he will bankrupt
your company.


What's the difference
between a nigger and a
trampoline?
You take off your shoes
before jumping on a
trampoline.


What do a device for
varying the brightness
of an electric light and a
sex change from male to
female have in common?
A dimmer switch.


Most of the girls in my
town are slappers.
When I try to chat them up
they slap me.


You know women are
genetically programmed
to blame everything on
the male species when
menopause starts with
those three letters.


Imagine titty sex...
just to get you into the
groove.


Any woman who would
mock a man for having
a tiny penis is, herself, a
massive cunt.


Feminism is the fast-food
of ideologies: mass
produced, low quality,
highly fattening garbage.



"Can a woman have a
penis?"
definitely a hard one.

[Piper]

Having nutrition
information on a bay of
crisps.
Is like having dating tips
on a box of Condoms.


I'd appreciate receiving
junk mail far more if it
actually came with pieces
of junk.


Dating is now:

Let's fuck...
Now we can hang around
and see if we annoy each
other...


Phoned my boss and
asked him if I could work
from home.
He said, "Don't be a cunt
Dave you're a fucking bus
driver."


What is a lesbians
favourite game?
Fastest finger first.


I'm not saying I've caught
some colour...
But I walked past a benefit
office yesterday and they
offered me a 3 bedroom
house, a leather jacket
and a mobile phone...


My daughter got a job in
the porn industry but I
don't think she'll last long.
She said she keeps
fluffing her lines.


What do trannys do at
meal time?
Tuck in.


'... Never buy a memory
foam mattress if you
cheat on your wife ;


Not many people know
that Beatrix Potter wrote
the first transgender
children's book.
Mrs Tiggs - Winkle..


Why do lesbians get jobs
as baristas?
Because they love
grinding beans.


'... Anybody on here with
specialist knowledge
regarding noisy
dishwashers? '
I've tried flowers,
chocolates, even wine and
she STILL won't shut the
fuck up.


Having sex with my wife is
like having sex with a wild
animal.
Unfortunately, it's a sloth.


I finally found the key to
happiness.
Well my key to the safe
Full of skunk.


Fat cunts at the gym.
If you stop eating so
much shit, you won't need
to diet.
Or exercise.

[Piper]

I have to say I was
surprised to hear that
Philip Schofield was
married to a woman.
He must really enjoy being
a groom.


Philip Schofield admits
the only cunt he's been
near in recent times is
Piers Morgan.


Apparently Rolf Harris's
ashes have been sprinkled
out at sea as per his dying
wish.
The exact location isn't
known but it's believed to
between two buoys.


Don't quote me on it but
I heard women can have
orgasms.


In that Diversity Training
this fat black lady doing it
boasted at me that "within
our lifetimes white people
like you will be minorites
in this country."
"Great.... living like Kings
off the public trough and
all sorts of other special
privileges."


Got attacked by a gang of
clowns on the way home
from the pub last night.
Thankfully my training
kicked in and I went
straight for the juggler.


How do you make a
woman scream twice
during sex?
Stick your cock up her
arse when she isn't
expecting it, then wipe
your knob on her curtains
on the way out.


If there is one thing that
I have learnt in life it is,
never let anyone tell you
what you can and can't
do.
Take Beethoven for
example, they told him
as a child he couldn't be
a musician because he
was deaf.... but he didn't
listen.


If you meet a woman
who admits she's wrong
apologies and changes
her ways, dump her
immediately... It's probably
a man!

[Bikkie]

Lewis Hamilton is said to be replacing Phillip Schofield on 'Ths Morning'.

A spokesman for Itv has said that he's the ideal candidate.

They both talk shit, both universally disliked and on the weekend they both end up with skid marks on their helmet!



Phillip Schofield gave a youngster a job.

A blowjob.



This brings a whole new meaning to getting your hole Phil'd?





Lionesses squad announced for women's World Cup, I cannot believe both maguire and calvert-lewin haven't made it.




A Scottish Sergeant Major, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' he asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.

He painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

He marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one





You might be gay if...

You tried a Bud Light once: Scientific studies show consuming this beverage has the ability to turn you gay at the cellular level.

You are a fan of the LA Dodgers: The gayest sports franchise in human history.

You are attracted to people of the same gender: On some occasions, this could be a warning sign of gayness.

Your wife shops at Target: Wives often bring the gay home and spread it to their husbands.

You drive a Ford truck: You really don't have to be that flamboyant, for goodness' sake.

Sometimes you have enjoyed country music: Oh--you didn't hear? It's gay now.

As a young person you experimented with Disney movies: Should never have done that.

You drink water: It already turned the frogs gay. You're next.

At any point in your life, you have consumed something made by a corporation: Just come out of the closet already!

You clicked on this list to see if you were gay: If you're reading this, I have some news for you.




Would anybody like to buy my wife's Tottenham hotspur bra? It doesn't have any cups though

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To fetch a pail of water,

They were confronted on the way by a studenty-looking type with short blue hair, demanding to know why other gender identities and preferences were not being given equal representation on this journey.





What's the difference between people and chocolate?

You can still buy dark chocolate.





Apparently Beyonce sings To the Left To the Left as black people got no rights



I've just seen a sign in the gents' toilet at work that reads, "You're looking at the person responsible for your safety."

I didn't even know Roger from accounts was aware I existed.



My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers in the glove box of the car.

"What the fuck are these?" she asked.

"Knickers," I replied.

"Oh, I've heard about them," she replied, "but I've never seen a pair."



Just bought a new telly to watch the premier league on next season, opened the box, but there's no Leeds in it!



i was doing some magic tricks at a kids party recently when one of the kids came up to me and said " hey mr, your no magician", i said " no, but your dad was, he soon disappeared when you were born"...




My dad always said he missed people a lot.
Great dad useless fucking assassin.



Thai owned Leicester men's team got relegated because they lacked balls.

On the other hand, the ladies team survived because they had balls.