What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Wow, June already
And we know what
that means - only 3 more
Emma Raducanu coaches
until Christmas!


Harry and Meghan
are going to stop
writing books, making
documentaries and doing
interviews because there's
nothing left to say.
That's like quitting
drinking because there's
no more to drink.


Philip Schofield is set
to rejuvenate his career
in China and has already
been assigned a personal
assistant.
He's called Yung Bum Fun


Serveral ITV employees
have now claimed that
they were under the
impression that Schofield
didn't even like the young
Runner.
As he was often heard to
say, "He really sucks, that
kid."


Philip Schofield asked
Holly what she thought
would happen if he was
sent to prison.
"Oh," said Holly, "you'll
probably be in the shit."


Philip Schofield is to
appear in Panto this
coming Christmas.
He will play the part of
Jafar in Alladin.


Would anybody like to
buy my wife's Tottenham
Hotspur bra? It doesn't
have any cups though.


What's the difference
between Tottenham
Hotspur and a fancy
restaurant?
The restaurant has
silverware.


One reason men have
filthy minds is that we
don't change ours every
other minute of the day.


I went up to the black
lady in the parking lot
that does the "mandatory
diversity training" and I
asked her if I could buy
some crack!

"It's cus i's black, innit !?"

"Not at all, I figure you
have to be high as a
fucking kite after you
said in there 'Every single
institution in this country
serves only to benefit
straight white men!"

[Bikkie]

I just got a new job at the casino in the poker room. Its a perfect job really, you could say ideal



My daughter said, "It's amazing how many more visible and brave Male-to-Females we're seeing openly out at the pool this year !"

"You're telling me, these 'Tuck Friendly' Tuck-it swimsuits clearly aren't fucking working at all."



Well done man united two records in one season
Biggest win for Liverpool and fastest goal for city




Things are going from bad to worse for Phillip Schofield.

He?s just been arrested at Heathrow Airport when customs officers found a false bottom in his suitcase.



"Suspected Chinese spies have attempted to penetrate US military bases"

It's only fair, after all, a leading Democrat penetrated a Chinese spy.



Phillip Schofield says he knows how Caroline Flack felt.

I seriously doubt that's true.


After rough sex, the white woman said to her black man: - I wonder what our children will look like.
He replies: - They will be curious what I look like.





I was told icy is the easiest word to spell I C Y



I've just text Philip Schofield to see if he wants to buy my car.

It's 15 years old and a good runner.

Hollywood is so unrealistic. They seriously expect us to believe that after 4 years trapped alone on a Tropical island, Tom Hanks never figured out how to brew alcohol from coconuts?



My lad sat there doing his homework and asked, 'dad, what's a black hole?'

I replied ' well at one time they were a Universal phenomenon but in the UK right now your never more than 30 mins away from one'



They say a womans work is never done. That's 100% true if you class nagging and fucking moaning as work.



Phillip Schofield says his career is probably over.

Hardly the first time he's blown it.





Just joined the gay sailors website and the first popup ad I got was,

'Young Buoys are in your area waiting to meet you'.




Now that Schofield has all this free time he can spend it listening to his favourite music.

The Four Tops.

[Piper]

Thanks to diversity quotas
you're now just as likely to
be robbed by a black man
for a job as you are for
your wallet.


I finally had a brief look at
that new Tolkien reboot,
and like everything else
like this it was filled with
so many out-of-place nig
nogs that it was utterly
ridiculous.
Before I shut that shit off,
I remarked, "They should
have just called it Lord Of
The Bling."


Bloke runs into a hospital
and shouts:
"Quick, I've cut my knob off
at work, it's in this bag of
frozen peas, can you save
it?"
Nurse opens the bag and
says: "But sir, this is a
cigar."
Bloke says: "Fuck me, I've
smoked it in the taxi on
the way over here."


I was told money couldn't
buy me happiness.
The Nigerian prostitute
with that name currently
sucking my cock would
disagree with that.


Irony:
A cannibal catching
necrotising fasciitis.


If you are turned on by
Dirty talk that means
your genitals are voice
activated


Off to the pub today with
My mate Dave, or as I like
to call him the 'Invisible
man' .... cos he's never
around when it's his
round!


I was playing in the
dwarves World cup and
was about to score, when
I was denied by last titch
tackle.


What do you call a
Chinese woman with large
eyeballs?
Ping Pong.

[Piper]

'... Did you know
if you get pregnant in the
AMAZON
It is next day delivery?'


I tried to steal spaghetti
from the shop, but the
female guard saw me and
I couldn't get pasta.


Why is the Jamaican flag
Green, Yellow and Black?
It's the colour bananas go!


My neighbours listen
to some of the most
amazing music.
Whether they like it or not.


In bed with my new
girlfriend, she unhooked
her bra, "They're not
very big" she sighed
apologetically.
"I'm glad you bought that
up" I replied, undoing my
jeans.


A weasel who was on the
wagon went into a pub
and the barman asked
"What can I get you?
" Pop", goes the weasel.


100 years ago, everyone
owned horses and only
the rich had cars.
Today, everyone owns
cars and only the rich has
horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.


A Scotsman walks into a
bookshop and says: "Excuse
me Jim have you got
occult.?"
"Aye", says the shopkeeper.
"But it brings
ma balls oot in tae a rash
so I stick tae troosers."


What do a 9 volt battery
and a woman's arsehole
have in common?
You know it's wrong but
you can't help putting your
tongue on it.


I've been saving up for
years to take my family on
a once in a lifetime world
cruise, topped off with a
month in Australia.
But I decided to cancel
it and put the heating on
this winter instead.


Why are black people so fast?
The slow ones are in jail.


If you're out tonight
put a big coat on. The
weather is a bit Motown.
Three degrees. Four tops.


After we finished building
our snowman, I said to my
son, "Let's give him a
name. A snowman has
got to have a name, what
shall we call him?"
"Can we name him after
your boss, dad?" came the
surprising reply.
"Why do you want to name
him after Kev?"
"Well you do keep saying
that he's short, white and
sat there doing fuck-all."

[Piper]

I've been buying birthday
cards for everyone at our
local Tourette's Society.
It's the thought that cunts.


My wife left me because
of my obsession with rugby.
I suggested we have
another try.


According to recent
studies, people will believe
anything if you say: it's
according to recent studies.


To people that think
animals can't be cruel: a
pig just spat at me.
That's the last time I fry
bacon.


All sex is casual sex when
you're not dressed in
formal wear.


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and runny?
Mo Farah.


With the rise of self-driving
vehicles, it's only a
matter of time until there's
a country song where the
guys truck leaves him.


My daughter came home
from first school and
told me she'd learnt the
Alphabet song.
I said, "That's good,
I guess they are still
teaching the basics. Let's
hear it then."
She sang, Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual, Tran... Queer
Intersex, Two spirit - Pan!
A-sex-ual, De-mi, Flu-id,
and Poly, now I know my
LGBs".


Just had a text off a
Chinese pal of mine in
Surrey :
I wrecked a wok in woking
where I woke up with a
woke King.


Opening a door and
saying: "Ladies first" is
really just a polite way of
telling them you want to
check out their arse.


I'm currently dating a sexy
Polish girl who by her own
admission, used to be a
Porn actress. She's very
nice but I have to conceal
my amusement over the
fact that, when implying
"come on!" she says
"come!"


I heard my Maori
neighbour screaming and,
as I looked over the fence,
saw him being attacked by
a pit bull Terrier.
Thinking on my feet, I
quickly grabbed a large
stick, ran round and gave
it a few hefty blows.
I couldn’t just stand by and
watch the dog have all the
fun.


If Muslims hate hate pork so
much, how come the
majority of them have
'ham' in their name?


Some Muslim bloke
had a right go at me at
work today when I did
something wrong. I said,
"Alright mate there's no
need to blow up over it"


How do you know that
Adam and Eve weren't
Aboriginal?
They would have thrown
away the apple and eaten
the snake!


Just seen a right pair in
the apple store.


"Drive me home I'm
pissed."
"It's probably not my best
chat up line."


I just put my clothes on
the line.
My gambling problem is
really getting out of hand.


The word hyphenated
doesn't have a hyphen,
yet non-hyphenated does
have a hyphen.
This has to be the
English language. A word
that contradicts its own
rule.


My Mrs keeps coming out
with bird innuendos so
I thought toucan play at
that game.


There's no reason why
the word abbreviation
needs to be so long.


My lesbian daughter is a
self-employed plumber,
and the other day some
cheeky bastard spray
painted a massive penis
on the side of her Transit.
Now everybody calls her
Dick Van Dyke.


What's the difference
between a wife and a
smoke detector?
One, you can turn off
without even trying. The
other, you spend all day
waving a dish cloth at.

[Piper]

I deleted all my German
friends from my mobile
phone contact list...
Now I'm Hans free.


If reincarnation was real,
I'd come back as a table cloth.
I'd get laid three times a
day and pulled off once at
night.


The perfect way to stop
Transgender reassignment
surgery :
Tell them they won't be
able to reverse park.


I was sitting in the pub
doing a crossword when
I turned to my scottish
mate and said... "I'm stuck
on one... Stranded On An
Island, eight letters."
"Marooned" He said
"About fucking time" I
replied. "I'll have a lager."


I'll never forget our
Scottish window cleaner
when he was up the
ladders doing the
bedrooms.
He dropped a pound coin
and when he bent down to
pick it up, it hit him on the
head.


Why are 50p pieces
shaped the way they are?
So you can get them out
of a Scotsman's hand
with a spanner.


Fishing : a pastime for
lonely men hoping for
something to tug their
rods.



Fish puns are a load of
Codswallop!


My girlfriend recently said
that "boys don't grow up
their toys just get more
expensive"
I agree, her perfume was a
bloody rip-off.


Every woman wants their
pussy eaten.
Until they date a cannibal.


Prisons are like a Box of
chocolates...


My son was attacked by
a knife wielding thug so I
phoned the police.
I was pleased to hear
from the call handler that
their officers were at that
very moment dealing with
the stabbers
Turns out she meant they
were dancing at a Gay
Pride Event.


Just found out the Dalai
Lamar is a gambler. He
like Tibet.


My local Chinese
restaurant has been hit
with a 10k electric bill,
they said they can't turn
off all the lights, but they
do dim sum.


I got lost today in a
void of desperation and
confusion...
That's the last time I look
in my wife's handbag!


Studies claim that
smoking weed causes
memory loss.
I say that's bollocks. Next
they'll be saying that
smoking weed causes
memory loss!!!


There used to be this girl
in our local who'd give you
a blow-job if you bought
her a drink. We called
her our Monica, after two
pints, it was mouth organ.


The sentence "Don't
objectify women" has
"Women" as the object of
the sentence.
Just saying.


I saw a sign in a shop
window that read: pay no
interest.
So I carried on walking.

[Piper]

What goes no no no no
FUCKIN ELL YES YES YES YES
Emma Watson growing
over the years.


I was going to ask my
girlfriend to marry me.
But then I decided I didn't
want to appear arrogant
and presumptuous by
inviting myself along to
her big day like that.


A new blood test can
detect Alzheimer's 30
years in advance.
That's something to look
forward to.


Easily get into a secret
meeting of the Innuendo
Club by slipping in the
back-door.


Bloody courier driver...
got a 'dpd' today... he
shoved something roughly
through the letterbox ;
but totally ignored the
back-door.


What's the most ethical
thing about being a
Vegan?

Is it

A) driving up the price
of staple foods in poor
countries with their
insatiable appetite
for quinoa and lentils,
pushing the local people
further into poverty and
hunger

B) posting virtuous social
media messages on their
I-phone, made in a factory
by suicidal slaves.

Answers on a piece of
recyclable hemp paper
please.


How do you know you’re
past it?
You're watching a porno
and you actually want the
young real-state agent
to accurately value the
property...


My nephew that works
on Disney Cruise told me
today how concerned he
is now that Disney has
announced that half of all
It's characters will now be
"LGBTQ IAK++++"
"Besides all the wet
foam now on the ship,
my Donald Duck costume
now has a cutout
bumhole"


Here's why I would never
date a femnist:
They won't let me.


I gave my blind wife a
cheese grater for her
birthday.
I told her it's the most
violent book she'd ever
read.


My hairdresser asked if
I fancied leaving with a
permanent wave.
I said, no, just a quick
thumbs up would do.


There are way more black
Footballers now because
everyone wants more and
more speed.
To be fair, they are the
most prolific dealers.

[Bikkie]

"Now, here's something you don't see every day...."

A phrase rendered obsolete by the advent of WhatsApp.




After I agreed with something "Far Right" online and said that faggots and Drag Queens should all be sent to prison and broken on exercise equipment like Oscar fucking Wilde, my gay son stamped his high heels and said, "You are NOT taking us fucking back 150 years !"

"Then why are you dressed like a Victorian Woman ?"





I just saw Yoda's Facebook status:
Taken that 'How good is your grammar?' test I have.
Got fucking zero I did.'



My wife's always telling me not to eat too much swordfish cos it's full of mercury

Fuck me is there any man, woman or beast that cunt didn't shag?


Why don't you ever see black pub landlords?

Because they're scared of being behind bars




"Popular Wetherspoons pub set to permanently close"

Doesn't sound very popular to me.




"What's the name of that wrongun from EastEnders?"

"Nick Cotton?"

"Maybe later Leroy. Can you answer this first?"



As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there.

"When's it due?" I asked.

"Two weeks", she replied, with a lovely smile on her face.

"Well I might as well walk then..." I said.



TRANSVESTITES: Save a fortune on clothes by marrying a woman the same size as you.




A female weightlifter goes to her doctor and tells him "doctor, I've been injecting steroids lately and I seem to have grown a cock"
The doctor replies "hmmm, anabolic?"
She says "no, just a cock"



I just seen this liberal woman going off on a rant about how everything is racist.. and that got me thinking... whenever I see a cotton bud my first thought is " I wonder if this was picked by a nigger?"

So dose that me that - I too! Am a racist??



'Where have you stashed the Constitution, Mr Trump?'

'Oh, that? I wiped my ass on that ages ago...'




Philip Schofield's runner/bumboy Matthew Mcgreevy finaly admits his career at the BBC was helped by having a man on the inside.




My wife thinks that my obsession with cream cheese is hilarious, the laughing cow



I had the police round earlier telling me to take down my Islamic State flag.

Turns out I had my black table cloth hanging out to dry...

And a bird had shit all over it!



Today's Wordle: I was right, it was Wrong




TOP TIP: Read that backwards to use cheap cream



What is whiskey?

Wussian woulette.



I reminded the wife it's steak and a blowjob day.

I treated her to a haircut at the salon this morning.

In return, she said I could have a stake in a blowdry.


Headline 'ITV Boss: Schofield relationship 'deeply inappropriate''

Certainly deeply in somewhere



I just seen this liberal woman going off on a rant about how everything is racist.. and that got me thinking... whenever I see a cotton bud my first thought is " I wonder if this was picked by a nigger?"

So dose that me that - I too! Am a racist??



I received a text from my wife this morning: "In B+Q. Do you need anything? x"

I sent one back: "Just a bi hammer, please."

"Don't you mean a BIG hammer?” Came the sniggering response.

"No, I need one that swings both ways."



Did you know that Yul Brynner not only was a lifelong fan of Liverpool football club but that he never wore scent.
That's right, Yul never wore cologne.


what do you call a group of old black people?

an antique farming auction


Thinking back to when I was at my old school in the mid 90s, one afternoon I walked past a random office in a quiet section of the school and caught the portly bursar looking up the skirt of the sexy 40 something secretary that every lad there fancied (think Sophia Loren meets pop princess Louise) who he had stood on a stepladder and was handing her box files that she was putting on the top shelf. (had seen him around her before and could tell he liked her the way his usually stern face lit up in delight as he'd say hello to her, and waving to her from afar when he spotted her)

As she reached up to place a file on the shelf he'd bend down slightly and have a quick peak up her above the knee skirt, then savour looking up close at her lovely black nylon (denier 10) legs down to her black high heels.. then hed hand her another file, bend down, peak. and repeat .. she being seemingly oblivious to his sneaky pleasure of sheer nylon heaven.. at one point he turned slightly and I saw side of his bespectacled flushed face, his expression one of blissful ecstasy..

until he spotted me watching and nearly jumped out of his tent pitched trousers! with full eye contact from his shocked guilty face (probably made him prematurely spend his just about to release load!)




I don't know why Phillip Schofield was removed from the Prince's Trust.

They could have just put Andrew in charge, added an 'h' and made it the Prince's Thrust.



I lost my job in the KP nuts marketing department earlier.

They were asking staff to suggest brand ambassadors for the new 'nuts about nuts ' campaign.

I have learned since that my suggestion to use philip scofield was homophobic.



The wife loves my meat thermometer at barbecues.

In her buns.



was in a modern jazz club when the waiter dropped a tray of cutlery.


Well they didn't fuck about with him, they immediately offered a job on the drums.





Me and my fellow Indian incel buddies have started a band.

Rage Against the Vagene.




You can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.


Climate scientists have warned that in just a few years, cod may be completely off the menu. Nevermind, plenty more fish in the sea 🐠

[Bikkie]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

All men are bastards!




How do vegans know a pussy is ok to eat?

when it does not smell like fish



Teachers are continuing to strike for fair wages.

Why do they only want to get paid as much as someone who works at a fair?



Surveys show that the inhabitants of Norfolk enjoy a better sex life than the rest of the UK.

But I suppose it's all relative.



Stress balls have greater effectiveness when thrown at those who cause you the most stress.




Japan raises age of consent form 13 to 16.
Damn. Probably best to cancel tonight's date.

How do you make a Maltese cross?

Beat him 4-0.




My family says I look incredibly stupid wearing my hat backwards and it pisses me off.

One day the sun was in my eyes, and so, to prove I'm not as stupid as I look, I bought a visor and attached it to my hat.


What do you call a postbox full of bills?


Daisy Duck's fanny


The 1970s-"Dad what does it mean if I'm not attracted to anyone?"
Dad-"What are u ranting on about lad? No healthy, hot blooded boy is not attracted to a bonny,young lass! Has your mother been giving u soya milk again? That one needs a good leather belt across the back of the legs!
2023-"Dad what does it mean if I'm not attracted to anyone?"
Dad-"Oh that's great Juniper! Now what colour dress should I wear to PRIDE this year?"



I bought some pepper spray yesterday. What a terrible product!

It made my bolognese taste awful.



A Penn state professor arrested for animal molestation, told police officers: I do it to blow off steam.

Unusual name for a dog.


Harry and Meghan's brand crashes after Spotify parts ways with the royal tossers.

All that's left for them is their nationwide Privacy Tour.




I went on a date with a Jewish girl the other night.

We got along really well and at the end of the night she gave me her number.

I felt bad telling her that we give names these days.



Putting Michael Barrymore in charge of the Greece National Lifeboat Institution seems to be working a treat.

Why did the cannibal have frozen chicken for tea?

Cos he'd already eaten his bird's eye




The boss of ITV said the actions of Phillip Schofield were deeply inappropriate.

First time I've heard a runner being called a pro priate.



My missus told me to be more imaginative in the bedroom.

So, yesterday, I dressed up as Darth Vader, wielding two giant neon dildos.

Then she had to walk in and ruin all the fun!



My ticket arrived today, so in July I'm off to Glasgow for the TRNSMIT Festival.

Proper live music, with no AI.




What is whiskey?

Wussian woulette.





A woman who looks exactly like
Donald Trump has been asked
to star in a porn movie.
So finally,a cure for your porn
addiction.





The only thing straight about
Donald Trump is the jacket he
should be wearing.





I wasn't convinced by the wife
when she texted me saying she
had monkey pox-but then I saw
her face ahd now I'm a believer...





Graham Norton has had some
painful sexual encounters.
That's how he got the idea
for the Red chair.




I just saw Yoda's Facebook status:
Taken that 'How good is your grammar?' test I have.
Got fucking zero I did.'


My wife's always telling me not to eat too much swordfish cos it's full of mercury

Fuck me is there any man, woman or beast that cunt didn't shag?






I'm on a mission getting my own
back on paedoohiles in the church
by giving them some of their own
medicine up the shitter against the
backdrop of prog-rock.
It's called The Anal Parsons Project.





What's the difference between the
F1 and a blackman?
We all know what the better
race is.




what do you call a group of old black people?

an antique farming auction

[Bikkie]

Within this woke world in which we live, I always wondered what happened to the MR MEN. Here are my guesses:

MR TICKLE - Wanted for historical sex offences dating back to the 1970s.

MR GREEDY - Told to embrace body positivity before dying of a heart attack.

MR SNEEZE - Doing time for breaking Covid rules.

MR TOPSY-TURVY - Undiagnosed, believed to be somewhere on the spectrum.

MR CLEVER - Accused of mansplaining.

MR STRONG - Steroid abuse.

MR. CLUMSY - Parkinson's Disease.

MR HAPPY - Accused of toxic positivity.

Feel free to add more.



I downloaded TikTok to see what all the fuss was about. The first video that I saw was a slightly overweight cat walking with a sassy walk across someone’s kitchen floor while Taylor Swift played in the background and now I want to overthrow Western democracy.




Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club.
He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met.
They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears.
On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows.
She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life.
She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session!
In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?"
He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"


Three was a young girl from Bulgaria,
Whose vagina grew hairier and hairier.
When a man from Peru,
Tried to give her a screw,
He had to hunt out her cunt with a terrier!





Why soes Batman only cover half his face?

So everyone knows he's white!


If you see a toilet in your dream, DON'T use it.



Last night me and the wife got in bed. I turned out the light and then I heard a strange sound.

"Are you opening a bag of crisps?" I asked.

"No," she said, "I'm just taking off my knickers."


They say women are attracted to men with power and money.

There is hope for me yet.

I just paid my electricity bill.




I asked my new neighbour Leroy what he does for a living and he replied.."go on, have a guess. I'll give you a clue, it involves telling people to put their hands in the air."
Apparently he's a DJ and I'm a racist for guessing Bankrobber.



There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads.....

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."



I went for a job at a large building constructors and they asked if I had vertigo.
I said, "Oh yes I do, although not one of U2's finest songs though."


In light of Roald Dahl’s books being vandalised by woke autocrats, I’m curious as to what they’ll be called in the near future.

The LBFGT
The Plus Sized Crocodile
Charlie & the Vegan Chocolate Factory
Charlene & the Great Glass Ceiling
Fantastic Mx Fox
George’s Hormone Replacement Medicine
Danny Diversity Champion of the World
James & the Organic Peach
The Giraffe, the Tranny & Me
Soy
The Womxn of Mystical Powers



It's too bad swimming in debt doesn't count as cardio.


This is what's going on inside an average American's head when a British/irish person over there Speaks.

Posh English person....Fear intimidation and sense of inferiority.

Londoner or southeast....oh no it's one of those nasty gangster type English people and an urge to do a Dick Van Dyke imitation back.

Birmingham Brummie ....My god this English person sounds depressed.

Irish ....well top of the morning to you too.

Welsh ...how quaint a white person from India.

Scottish ...he's Canadian.

Northern Irish ...he's polish.

South West ...wow an actual pirate.

Liverpool scouse ....English person who's parents must have been part dolphin.

Northwest and Manchester ....confusion

Yorkshire.....utter confusion

Newcastle Geordie...what the actual fuck?

Norfolk ....must be a Swedanian hillbilly.



My son asked, "What is paranoid?"

"It's two noids," I replied.

"What's a noid?," he said.

"What I get when you ask too many fucking questions."





The BBC reported that Muslim parents are withdrawing children from Music Lessons because their beliefs forbid them from learning music.
The British Government has therefore issued a new list of songs that are acceptable to Muslims :-
*Halal (Is It Meat You're Looking For), by Lionel Richie
*They Tried To Mecca Me Go To Jihad (But I Said No, No, No), by Amy Winehouse
*The Ayatollah of the Tiger, by Survivor
*The Way You Mecca Me Feel, by Michael Jackson
*Anything by 80's pop group Qu'ran Qu'ran
*The Meccarana
*Fatwah-Bottomed Girls, by Queen
*Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Burqini
*Something in the Way Shia Moves, by James Taylor
*Allah Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), by Meatloaf.



In the 80's we had horrendous hair cuts and clothes that we cringe about whenever we see a photo of ourselves from back then.
In the 2000's a lot of kids went through a moody goth/emo phase that they REALLY prefer to forget about now.
When the 2020's are a 20 year old memory, there's going to be a lot of folks, that got caught up in all the current day's madness, who are going to look back at photos of themselves from now, and thing "God, I miss having a cock".

[Piper]

A survey has revealed that
8 percent of American
adults believe they could
beat an elephant
in unarmed combat.
Well, to be fair, quite a few
of them have a significant
weight advantage.


When cannibalism starts,
vegans are the closest
we have to a free-range,
grass-fed meat source.


I'm a dairy farmer and in
the winter I fit my cows
with tubular bells. So I can
hear them in my cold field.


The shop near me is
selling a plant based
alterative to vapes...
Cigarettes.


Tina Turner and Rolf Harris
are queueing at the Pearly
Gates when suddenly Tina
says to him - "Get away
from me"
"Why?" - asks Rolf
"Because" - says TIna -
"You simply molest."


Anyone can masterbate
under a sheet.
But it takes real skill
so the hairdresser doesn't notice.


Anyone who wonders why
there are no women F1
drivers should first watch
them try to negotiate a
supermarket car park.


Why are women like the
weather?
Nothing can be done
to change either one of them...


I gave a couple of quid
to the 'Teaching Dwarves
Maths Foundation.'
It's the little things that
count.

[Piper]

I'm not a climate change
denier. Far from it.
I looked out of the window
this morning and it
was sunny. The climate
changed an hour or so
later and it started raining.
It happens.


Eve: "Go on Adam, take a
bite."
Adam : "No Eve, God
has forbidden it as the
ultimate sin and will cast
us out of Eden. I cannot
defy the word of my Lord."
Eve: "Oh go on Adam, I'll
let you feel my tits."
Adam : "OK. What the
fuck!"


The word 'Twerking' was
only recently added to
the English Dictionary,
but it actually dates back
almost 180 years.
To Madonna's first tour.


A car park in Hanau,
Germany, has unveiled
dedicated parking spaces
reserved for LGBTQ
drivers.
Only accessible via the
rear entrance.


As I went to the bus stop
I saw a heavily pregnant
woman there.
"When is it due?" I asked.
"Two weeks," she replied,
with a lovely smile on her
face.
"Well I might as well walk
then..." I said.


What do you call a man
with a white cap on
his head kneeling at a
gravestone?
Mourning jew.


Just watched Paul McCartney singing
old Beatles songs at Glastonbury.
That's the second time John Lennon's
been murdered.

[Bikkie]

Last night Glastonbury hosted Foo Fighters

Tonight Elton John aka Poo Biter tops the bill




80s singer Yazz got a job as a lift attendant.

She wasn't very good though.




There's only one thing worse than having expired condoms.

It's having a whole unopened box of expired condoms.



Bbc news headlines
" Dingo bites tourist sunbathing in Australia ."

Just look at her! I would bite her ass too!


People say that John Wick is unbelievable because no one would kill someone over a puppy.

Bullshit. My missus just chased me round the house with a carving knife because she caught me with my hands on her sister's puppies.

[R650R]

People are sinking to new depths over submarine jokes….

We should give the captain a break he’s under a lot of pressure….

Diving with Oceangate is like getting married. After a short while the banging stops….

Man foresees courtroom drama over his dodgy submarine tour company so named it Oceangate….

[Piper]

Swizzels Matlow Ltd.,
the manufacturer of
Love hearts have released
a new set of the beloved
sweets updated for
the 21st century with
messages presented as
acronyms.

BOD... bring own dildo

ATM... arse to mouth

LAFT... loves a knee trembler

KORSB... keen on rusty sheriff's badges

AGFF... always good for fisting

BLASD... bangs like a shit house door

OWD... obscene when drunk

KTIV... known to induce vomiting

WFFP... will felch for petrol

LGHJ... loves to give hand jobs

OCE... oral costs extra

HLH... hung like a horse

I'll leave you to decide the
flavours for each sweet.


Ignore only advice from
wealthy female 80s pop
stars about leaving lights
on, I've just got my fucking
electric bill.


This weekend, I bet on
three horses called
Sunshine, Moonlight, and
Good Times, and none of
them won.
I blame it on the bookie.


I met a younger girl online
that I hope I might leave
my wife for, and she's
really into the same
stuff that I'm into like
classic cars such as Ford
Thunderbirds.
She has in her profile
handle both T-bird and T-Girl.


99 blue baffons
voting against a Covid law
panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here
From somewhere else
The war machine springs
to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it upon the lie
Where 99 blue baffons
go by

99 Downing Street
99 ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
call the troops out in a
hurry
This is what we've waited
for
This is it boys, this is war
The dumb PM is on the
line
As 99 blue baffons all lie.