What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

They were the Dixie chicks then the chicks, now the two chicks and an obese warthog.





Hi guys, just to let you know I had the Russian Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and I can assure you that there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki кто мжет этю, лбгрцсзжэщ иющтряадфгт лареч. б6ожю вгчопъэстр ллтчла.




After watching Glastonbury and subsequently looking in the mirror, it appears I've been following the Elton John diet.



Breaking News: Adele and Taylor Swift collaborating on new album together

'We Didn't Get Our Own Way With Men Again' is out in the new year




Pride marchers:

We're here!, we're Queer!, we're coming for your children!

The next day:

We're the police!, we've arrived!, we're coming for your hard drive!



A termite with no teeth walks into a pub and asks 'where's the bar tender please?'


My thai wife showed me her take on "toad in the hole" last night

Let's just say it didn't involve much Yorkshire pudding



"Daddy, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No, sun"
"Fuck you, daddy, I'll ask mummy"



Holly Willoughby has been seen partying at Glastonbury.

Phillip Schofield's there too. He's got a backstage pass for Elton John later.

[Bikkie]

Husband: "Hey, honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the front lawn nude?"
Wife: "They'd probably say I married you for your money"



If anyone wants a list of all the famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc.



I went on BGT with a "talking dog act."

I asked Rufus, "What's on top of a house ?" - "Roof"

"What's my name ?" - "Ralph"

"What's sex with the wife like ?" - "Ruff."

After we were brutally dismissed, my dog said to me, "I should have done what I wanted instead and gone off with my opinions on Trump and Brexit."



Remember, it's technically oral if the person giving you a hand job is def.




I'm trying to organise the music lineup for the Devon scone festival. 'The jam' and 'cream' are due to play, but I'm not sure which to put on 1st




What's the best thing about having sex with a Bull?.

It won't charge you.



I just woke up from a coma, but I don't think it lasted very long.
Trump is still saying he won the 2020 election.



I’ve worked out why weed gives me the munchies.

It’s just the pot calling the kettle chips.



As a lifelong football fan, I've always considered cricket to be a right load of boring old shite, purely played to entertain toffee-nosed, public schoolboys. But I've just read a report that condemns English cricket as being racist, sexist and classist, where the N and P words are frequently used and incidents of people having bacon and alcohol thrown at them.

What the fuck have I been missing out on?



Archaeologists in Pompeii have discovered a fresco that possibly depicts a pizza from more than two thousand years ago.

Big deal. Akhmed has a stack of those in the fridge at my local corner shop.




Devotes.

What Jamaicans count in an election.



Since becoming addicted to crystal meth, my only source of income is the Tooth Fairy.



There is no homophobia in English and Welsh cricket.

If anyone suggests otherwise they must be batting in the wrong crease.

[Bikkie]

My wife can find joy in the smallest things in life.

Which is a bit of luck for me.



Harry Kane isn't off to play football in Germany.

He can't even speak English.




Predictive text is for aunts



Channel 5: Can Prince Edward change the Royals?.

Why not?. He changed The Royal Marines to The Marines.

[Bikkie]

BREAKING NEWS: Following his recall after breeching his license conditions, Gary Glitter has announced he is to release new album from inside prison, Tracks include

Hello Hello, It's Good to Be Banged Up Again
Another Stoney Lonesome Christmas
I Love You Love Because You're Only Two Love
She Was Only Thirteen
Baby Love, My Baby Love
Oh You Are A Mucky Kid
I Don't Know I Loved You Till Saw You On the Dark Web
Doing Time For Touching, There? Where?
Dalai Lama Be in My Gang, My Gang, My Gang

[Piper]

I once saw my welsh
mate who told me he was
trying to clone a sheep.
"I don’t think you know the
difference between clone
and impregnate."


I met my wife when we
were studying history
at university. She was
studying medieval times
and I was studying the
Tudors.
Every month we seem to
have a massive row where
she finishes up throwing
crockery.
I think I must have chosen
the wrong period.


My dyslexic mate called
me up in a panic on the
last day of his holiday,
he said, "I'm at the airport
but there are no planes,
just a load of dangerous
criminals behind bars and
what looks like an electric
chair.! "
I said, "What the fuck,
which airport are you at.?"
He said, "deathrow."


I walked into this posh
restaurant in my filthy
overalls and this snotty
waiter asked me to please
go and change into
something more suitable.
"Fuck you," I replied "fix
your own fucking heating
then."


What do you call a paki
joyrider?
Anek Dhakar.


I've just checked my pet
frog's genealogy.
He's a little bit French, part
Scottish and a tad pole.


Don't be afraid of farthing
while taking a piss.
Remember that rain often
comes with some thunder.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a gay and a
microwave?
A microwave doesn't
brown your meat!


The American flag on the
moon is completely white
from radiation.
France have claimed
they put it there.


Women’s football is a lot
like sex.
It all ends in tears when
someone scores at the
wrong end.


If I'm black and have
a small penis does that
make me a halfcast?


If love is blind?
Why is lingerie so
popular?


Sex dolls are to be
made more realistic for
Muslims.
They will include a fetus.


If Will Smith is such a
great actor, why does he
only ever play black guys?


There's a certain level
of appreciation in the
irony for those who
choose to get married on
Independence Day.


Why were Princesses
Eugenie and Beatrice
walking funny?
Because Prince Andrew
was celebrating In-dependants day.


Happy 4th everybody.
And, on this special day
just remember the most
important thing. Never put
ketchup on your hotdog.


It's Independence Day
and here's a message to
all you Star Trek loving
Yanks...
May the 4th be with you.


Happy Independence Day,
or as they say in Britain,
good riddance.


For some reason, the
Diversity Training lady said
to us, "The Fourth of July
is not just about cookouts
and fireworks, at it's root
it's about African slavery."
All the more reason to go
home and fire up some
bratwursts on the grill
ASAP.


Prince Harry celebrates
Independence Day with
his two-year-old daughter
Lillibet.
Didn't work though. Got
home, and fucking Megan
was still there.

[Bikkie]

Talentless half negro and one time member of The Spice Girls has allegedly taken to social media to claim bigotry and racism is responsible for the lack of paparazzi and media attention she is isn't getting when anyone Googles "Mels Hole."
Sporty Spice was unavailable for comment as her mouth was full of hairy Fanny.





The White House is all talk, no substance.
Well, except for a little cocaine.


I watched that Star Trek Picard & thought what a load of old bollocks

No I'm not jumping on that everyone who likes Star Trek is a virgin nonce bamdwagon....

....it's just that this driven, courageous & brave character is French




The Sound of Music now coming with trigger warnings....

"A healthy prosperous white family with many kids all singing and dancing and having fun.... of course we can't have people seeing THAT !"


The Chichester Festival has put trigger warnings on posters for a production of The Sound of Music.

About time too. I don't want to be exposed to the depravity of a lonely goatherd.






Captain Tom be spinning in his grave so much over his grifter daughter tarnishing his legacy building a pool/spa he's reanimated into Creepshow zombie Captain Tom - 'Wheres my money?! its NHS day! and i want my 33 million!'



I kinda want to become a gynaecologist, not in a pervy way to look at minges all day but to do operations on prolapsed vaginas; then turn to my work colleague during the start of the op and say: "looks like you're not the only useless cunt in this room".



Charlie is taking a bit of heat from the jocks up there today.
Anyone would of thought they'd be over the moon to have a King named after their national pastime



So first at the Scottish Coronation Charles will be crowned then handed Scotland's most precious items.
Seems a long way to go just to be given some booze, crack and heroin.



Mason Mount has left Chelsea.

A tearful Rhys James sobbed "at least he didn't leave in Pride Month."



Why did the Romans build straight roads?

Because Italian cars are shit on corners.



Why did the Romans build straight roads?

Cos Satnav was still a couple of millennia away.



Why did the Romans build straight roads?

Because they had no idea being bent would become so fucking trendy



The Wimbledon ball-girls were said to be buzzing after meeting Prince Andrew yesterday

He'd handed out free vibrators





I woke up this morning fancying a more discernible wank than usual. An orgy of some kind, featuring some wet posh cunts up against another load of posh cunts

So I watched Wimbledon





Day 4 and already banned from Wimbledon.
I only handed Katie Boulter a market pen and asked her to sign my balls




Why can't Prince Andrew play tennis?

Because every time he hears '15 love' he gets an erection.




I use to go out with a Welsh girl with 36 double d's I could never pronounce her name



When I go on a sex holiday to Bangkok I like to stuff 2 tennis balls up the hookers arse while I fuck them.
I call it a Thai breaker





I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to the guy out of the mamas & the papas.

All the sleeves are brown
And the tie is grey.


The RAF has been forced to abolish racial recruitment quotas and apologise for discriminating against white men.

Like Biggles, Niggles is still a fictitious fighter pilot.

[Piper]

A new value range toilet
paper is being trialled in
New Delhi under the brand
name John Wayne.
That's because it's tough,
rough and won't take any
shit off Indians.


Britney Spears hit in the
face by Security Guard in
Last Vegas.
Well, she did ask for it.


NHS ONLINE SYMPTOM
FINDER.

Please list symptoms
below.

STRESS.... LACK OF.... INTEREST.... APATHY....


FEELING OF SELFHARM.... LOW LIBIDO... CRYING....

IRRITATED.... THE URGE TO KILL.... LISTLESS....

FEELING WORTHLESS.

RESULTS : STOP
WATCHING AND
LISTENING TO
ADELE.... SEEK HELP
IMMEDIATELY.


Scientists say singing may
be just as healthy as yoga.
Lucky for Adele, she does
Yoga.


Have you noticed all
Adele does is complain
about relationships in her
songs?
Then all of a sudden
prescription charges go
up again.


Adele issues warning to
fans who are thinking
of throwing objects on
stage. However she has
said throwing pizza
and chocolate at her is
fine.


The thing that makes
Andy Murray unique as a
Scotsman is that after the
4th round he doesn't turn
into an annoying, sluring,
political, patriotic pissed
up twat.


Three Just Stop Oil
activists have been
arrested at Wimbledon for
throwing a jigsaw puzzle
onto the court.
The police are still piecing
it together.

. "Throw the ball into the
crowd and gain superfans
at the end of a match"
said Grandad. He was the
best tennis player ever,
Cousin Paddy honoured
him at the weekend
there... worst tenpin
bowler ever.


What's the difference
between a ginger step-child
and an egg?
The egg only gets beaten
once.


Someone thought it would
be a good idea to install
some technology at the
office that like in the film
Demolition Man, beeps
and assigns a fine every
time it hears enough
words in an algorithm
come up that it can link as
"Racism" or "Bigotry."
Turned out it was actually
a good idea after the
fat black lady that does
Diversity Training started
giving this talk on how
white people need to be
penalised for our "white
Privilege," and the thing
started going off like a
Fruit Machine.

[Piper]

Was sad to see Elton
John's final performance
last night but I was
shocked at how slow he
walked across the stage.
I guess that's due to too
much candle in the ring.

[Bikkie]

How to find the correct condom size for you:

1. Wrap a measuring tape or string around the thickest part of your erect penis. The girth is more important than the length because the condom will not adjust much to allow for a thicker or slimmer penis.

2. Hold the tape or string where the end meets the loose portion.

3. Check the measurement. Place a ruler or measuring tape against the base of your erect penis.

4. Hold your penis flat against the ruler or tape. Note the measurement.

5. Look for a standard size if your girth is between 2 to 2.05 inches (5.1 to 5.2 cm). Choose a small or snugger fit if your girth measures less than 2 inches (5.1 cm). Try a larger size if your girth is greater than 2.05 inches (5.2 cm).

6. Make sure the condom leaves space at the tip for your ejaculate.

7. Unlike me, do this at home and not in the chemist's.


Medical staff have been given guidance to refer to Vaginas as the 'bonus hole' so as not to offend Trans women.

Unless I'm claiming a lottery win, I fucking dare you to ask about my bonus balls.



Apparently while she was watching one of the Wimbledon matches from the back of the court, a couple of the balls hit Clare Balding on the chin

First time for everything



It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say black pudding

You have to say "Leroy please get me my dessert"


The teenager who was paid thousands by a BBC star for nude pictures, apparently blew it all on drugs.

Ironically they were both after the same thing -

Crack.



Its official: Andy Murray is a Scotsman again

[Piper]

The victim of the mystery
BBC presenter, has now
turned into a hostile
witness and says it was
all a misunderstanding.
Ah. The Greenwood /
Sterling /insert name of
rich Premiership footballer
defence.


This story is bullshit!
Apparently the presenter
'paid for explicit photos
during a 3 year period'
No woman can have a
period for 3 years not
even a lesbian.


The BBC presenter in
trouble has said that he
misunderstood when the
teen said she had a 'crack'
habit.


PETE TOWNSEND :
In light of the new scandal
at the BBC why not cash in
and re-release one of your
old hits, but add a touch
of Slade in the title. Huw
are you?
By the way how's the book
coming along?


Latest Wimbledon news:

Madame Cholet has
had her driving licence
revoked.


What's the difference
between my old Ford
Fiesta and an Asian
chick?
My Fiesta has a rusty
brown hole at the back
near the bottom and an
Asian chick has a rusty
brown hole at the bottom
of its back.


Dear sir/Madam and
hundreds of others.

It is amazing, Mr
Zuckerberg will allow
you to post pictures of
classic art breasts which
are hundreds of years old,
but I post a picture of my
hundred year old grannies
breasts and I'm 30 days in
the slammer. It's one rule
for snobby art lovers and
another for us who are
trying to make a few quid
off gran before she snuffs
it.

Wayne Rooney

Manchester Care Home
For The Elderly.

[Bikkie]

Arizona bikers were riding south on theUS-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge.So they stopped.
George,their leader,a big burly man of 53,gets off his Harley,walks through a group of gawkers,past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing,and says,"Hey baby....whatcha doin up there on that railin?"
She says tearfully,"I'm going to commit suicide!" while he didn't want to appear "sensitive",George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opporttunity either so he asked...."Well,before you jump,Honey-Babe....why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So,with no hesitation at all,she leaned back over the railing and did just that-and it was a long,deep,lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished,George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies,the onlookers,and even the State Trooper,and then says,"WOW! That was the best kiss I have ever had,Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,sugar shorts.You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether he/she jumped or was pushed??

[Bikkie]

Huw Edwards's wife deserves praise, says media expert.

Fair enough.

Holding Back the Years was a pretty good song.



If the England cricket team could put as much spin on their balls as the BBC has with their Huw Edwards stories, they'd easily bring home the Ashes.




Bumped into Cat Stevens on a camp site He looked well upset I asked him what was the matter He said awning had broken


Is BBC News now BBC nudes?



After you rule out Schofield, Jim'll, King, Rolf, and Hall it makes it easy to play Guess Huw. Available from all good toy shops and fun for all the family. Downfall is also quite popular in the Edwards household at the moment




Trumpton Role Call: Huw, Huw, mooning the crew, drooping...Dribble....Grubb.




Hewy View it and the news



Huw edwards. Poor sod. Im more shocked that hes married to mick hucknall




Did anyone notice earlier today at Wimbledon that when the umpire said 'Eubanks to serve first', the black American players instincts kicked in and he took a pair of white gloves and a tray out of his kit bag?



Guess now we know Huw it is



Huw- Didn't see that coming?




Dirty Welsh Cunt. I've just been listening to I want Hew to want me by Sheep Trick...




So what's next?

A picture of Huw and a ewe?



�� Huw's sorry now? ��




Hew Edwards is walking down to the cellar when his wife shouts from the top of the stairs' Are you going to finish brewing that ale?'

Hew replies 'No dear, I'm just going to try to make a 17 year old whine'




The power of love

By Huwy Edwards and the news.




Just seen schofield skipping down the road,completely naked with a dildo up his arse! It would seem he doesn't give a Fuck who knows his business anymore.




The wife said to me, "I fancy something different for dinner but I don't know what."

I asked, "Jamaican jerk chicken?"

She replied, "No I'm fucking not."



Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Netflix series has been nominated for a Hollywood Critics Award in the Best Streaming Fiction category.

[Hoonicorn]

My granddad was a dyslexic baker in the army.
He always went in 'all buns glazing'

[Bikkie]

It’s not your fault if other people find sexual innuendos hard to swallow.



Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars.

A woman’s sense of humour is from Venus.

Man’s is from Uranus.



My mate was asked to cook a special meal for Brian May's 75th birthday bash.

He told him he'd be making his signature dish, a scallop mousse.

Brian said, "Scallop mousse? Scallop mousse? Will you do the flan, Dan? Go!"



Interesting how language changes over time

For example, what used to be 'I'm pretending to be' is now 'I identify as'



My female boss offered to shag me if I worked overtime for no extra pay.

That cruel woman knows I'm married.




The school where a pupil identifies as a cat is actually really good, there is a good learning environment and no incidents of violence or fighting. Bunch of pussies


It "saved my marriage" the first time because my wife thought it was so romantic that her name was somehow engraved into my golf clubs.

Big Bertha




Its quite apt Oppenheimer is released same day as Barbie.

Most guys will be doing a massive explosion over Margot Robbie that day too



Barbi fans: My toys were first launched in Japan

Oppenheimer: "mine too"




That new Tottenham Hotspur Stadium really is something to be admired. It pays host to NFL, boxing bouts and rock concerts. And now it even has a built-in go kart circuit.

You never know ......one day the cunts might even start playing football there.



My nan was doing a crossword. She looked up over her glasses and asked, "Young lovers, longingly stare? Two and four letters."

I said, "To gaze!"

She said, "Probably, knowing your generation."


Before playing for Tottenham Dele Alli was always getting a hard tackle from behind in his younger days...and getting pulled off at half time...


Have you heard the 3 time world limbo champion has been stripped of his title for cheating?

I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.




Robbie Williams has announced a re-release of one of his old singles to help his friend, a well known newsreader.
“Let Me Enter Teen - Huw” will be out next week.