What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Camilla turns 76 wait? I thought
horses only lived 30 years?


Fender are releasing
a miniature, zinc alloy,
model guitar in memory of
Prince Philip.
The Fender Die-Caster
£99.Including hardshell
case.


Mick and Paddy go metal
detecting, after about an
hour beep! beep! beep!
"Quick Paddy get the
trowel and start digging"
So Paddy starts digging
and they find an old metal
box, they open it up
and it's two WW2 hand
grenades, Paddy says,
"Mick what should we do
with them? I say we take
them to a museum and
sell them." "Good idea," says
Paddy.
So they hop back in the
van and head off down the
road.
Mick says, "Paddy what
happens if one of them
goes off?"
"Well, we tell them we only
found 1 one won't we"


Cristiano Ronaldo phones
up Buckingham Palace
and asks to meet the
Queen. Since he is a
mega star with lots of
clout, Buckingham Palace
agrees and a few days
later he gets his meeting
with her.
"Your Majesty a couple
of months ago you
ennobled an scientist
for his contributions to
ophthalmology," said
Cristiano. "I saw it on TV
and was touched by his
story, how he grew up in
poverty but eventually
became this great and
learned man. He reminds
me of myself a bit,
how I grew up poor but
Managed to become a
Great footballer."
"So," says Cristiano, "I
decided to write a play
about him, all about the
study of eyes and how
they work as well as the
scientists life story. I have
brought the manuscript
to you, so that you can
deliver it to him in person."
Cristiano hands the Queen
the manuscript that he
is carrying. The Queen
squints at his hand writing
on the front page of the
manuscript..." I'm going
a little blind " she says,
" Please could you tell me
what it says here? "
Cristiano replies," Eye Play
For Man You Knighted."
"Yes I know that you
idiot." replies the Queen.

[Bikkie]

"Huw Edwards and Philip Schofield are fighting to play the Sugar plum fairy in the Christmas Pantomime"



"What is Prince Andrew's Favourite Song?


"Thank Heaven for little Girls"





hey say nothing is impossible but with Huw Edwards still collecting a salary, I reckon we've reached the point where bringing the BBC into disrepute is no longer achievable.




Lest we forget

Alzheimers is a terrible illness



Whats the difference between Marriage and Murder?

You get life for Marriage and 14 years for Murder



Ever since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles found out whom I was married to, they've been making fun of me. Their insult of choice for me is "cow-banger".




Why did the trans man eat only salads ?

He was a herbefore



# Yes it's true. I'm so happy to be stuck with you #

Huey Edwards In The Loos

1986


The biggest scam in life:

Paying taxes on money you make, taxes on money you spend and taxes on things you own, that you already paid taxes on with money already taxed.

It really is taxing.



Manchester United defender, Harry Maguire, is no longer the Club captain.

His wife now decides who gives out the chocolate biscuits.



BBC News: Post Office Scandal - "I Lost Absolutely Everything"

Isn't that a requirement to get a job at the post office in the first place?




I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's all about raisin awareness.




What's grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.



The wife asked if I'd put the Wheely bin out

I said "Not yet, I'll do it later ".

She then said "what about the cat?"

I said "I'll ask him but I don't think he's strong enough to push it!"





When life gives you melons

A man will do pretty much anything.



"I have no idea why so many women are attracted to me." I said as I sat there licking my ear.


A Catholic Priest goes in a Disney shop, asks for Aladdin and the Store assistant said aren't you in enough trouble already?





People who don't believe Bigfoot exists are morons.

He's just won Wimbledon!



Politician: We are planning to solve the homelessness epidemic within the next three years.

Public: How?

Politican: By building more bridges for them to sleep under.


I bought a plant off Run DMC today.

You water it, and it grows a little something like this..




There's a lot of street theatre happening around here recently.

Which is evidence of the cutbacks in the health service.

[Piper]

Does Freddie know how
to play guitar?
No, but Brian may.


FIFA stands for :
Football Is For Aotearoa.


BBC News : This year's
Women's football World
Cup is set to break
records.
What for, Vagisil and
Apathy?

Just won two tickets to the
Women’s FIFA 2023 World cup
final
Guess that'll be two
extra empty seats then.


I used to Pride myself
in the knowledge that I
knew and could explain
the offside rule to any
woman.
Not anymore after the
latest changes, that could
have only been written by
a woman :
"According to the new
guidance : where a player
in an offside position
immediately impacts
on an opponent who
has deliberately played
the ball, the match
officials should prioritise
challenging an opponent
for the ball, and thus
the offside offence
of 'interfering with an
opponent by impacting
on the opponents ability
to play the ball, should be
penalised. "


The #metoo movement
was never going to fail
No woman is going to
miss an opportunity to
say ' me.


'Cocaine sharks' off the
coast of Florida may be
feasting on dumped bales
of drugs!!! That's given me
an idea for a new Disney
movie!
Finding Kilo.

[actungbaby]

I had a letter for the local physio
I told my wife i aint going back
Rehab i said no no no.


Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk

[Piper]

Paddy: Murphy told me I'd
save a fortune if I started
smoking e-cigarettes, but
I'm worse off than I've
ever been!.
Mick : I didn't know you
smoked in the first place?
Paddy : I don't horrible
habit.


Bill Gates, Harry Kane and
Paddy were sitting in the pub
one afternoon discussing
stupid stuff that they'd like
to own:
Bill Gates says-"I'd get a
pot to piss in, so no one
could say he used to be
the richest man alive and
now he doesn't have a pot
to piss in!"
Harry Kane says-"I'd
get a cow and a banjo to
hit its arse with, so no one
could say he used to be
England's record goalscorer
but now he couldn't hit a cow's
arse with a banjo."
Finally Paddy says-"I'd
gett a bear and a tree."
Bill and Harry looked confused
and ask him why.
"Because" - says Paddy -
"Everytime I ask someone
a question, the feckin ting
can show them where he
goes for a shite himself."


I fear that AI is going to
put an awful lot of people
out of a job.
Not to mention an infinite
number of monkeys.


"How'd you get on with
that dating website I
recommend?"
"Got a date tonight, she's
fifty."
"Fifty? Going for the low-hanging
fruit eh?"
"Yeah, that's one way to
describe them..."





Turned on the telly earlier
and saw an advert for
Bold Washing Powder with
a white dad and his White
daughters.
I've got the Sky engineer
coming later to check the
settings.

[Bikkie]

With the women's football arriving so soon after the women's tennis Claire Baldings fanny is gonna look a Baboons arse.
She'll be walking around in a T-Shirt that says "Fuck Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."



What's the difference between red and purple?

The grip.



The lioness reported to be loose in Berlin was in fact a straggler from a pride March


My fat, blue-haired tenant told me its pronouns were they/them.

So I doubled their rent.



Depressed, my mate Paddy threw himself in front of a train yesterday.

Thankfully, it was stationary.



Prince Andrew

The Grand old Duke of York
Teenage girls he liked to Pork
He was caught in Town with his trousers Down





"What did Gary Glitter sing outside a School?"

"I've got some sweets in my Van my Van my Van my Van!'




Star signs can tell you a lot about a person. For example, if you believe in them, you're probably a cunt



How can white athletes ever win a race when niggers are hotwired to run quickly from the sound of a gun?




Star signs. It's like racism for women



I saw a big woman wearing yellow dungarees with ginger hair asleep in the toilets at McDonalds so I thought sneak a quick grope of pussy while she was out.
I slipped my hand down the front of her underwear being careful not to wake her but to my horror she had a cock and balls.

I have to say, I felt a bit of a clown



Prince Andrew visited Gary Glitter in prison and asked him for advice on takeaways.





"I teh you what I want, what I learry learry want"

Lyrics from the Rice Girls.

[Bikkie]

"If I don't make it as a female footballer, I'll go back to ironing"

They can't even get golfing terminology right



In order to support my country and see what all the fuss was about, I watched England v Haiti in the Women's Football World Cup.

Worst 90 seconds of my life.



Apparently loads of female footballers want equal pay but to be honest more money would just lead them to things like drug addiction and their tits are already small enough as it is.


My missus said, "The women's world cup is on, are you watching it or coming shopping with me. "




You have to admire the lengths that the French people will go to in order to pay homage to a great British post-war motorcycle.

So the next time you are in Paris, do take a few minutes to go and see the Arc de Triumph.



Just bought my gf a violin for her birthday I asked the assistant to wrap it for me "Would u like a bow ?"she asked I said yes pls it would make the wrapping look nicer



My bank account's been haka'd by a group from New Zealand.

They're all blacks.

A penalty in the all of the first 8 matches of the FIFA Women’s World Cup, what a bunch of (muff) diving …



With the women's football arriving so soon after the women's tennis Claire Baldings fanny is gonna look a Baboons arse.
She'll be walking around in a T-Shirt that says "Fuck Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."



Just opened a pack of Jelly Babies for my kids.
Dipped my hand in the bag to have some and one of the black fuckers nicked my watch!






"I have no idea why so many women are attracted to me." I said as I sat there licking my ear.

[Piper]

How can you tell a 19 year
old black chick is a bloke?
It doesn't have kids.


The English men lose the
ashes.
The English women draw
the ashes.
I think the women with
all the Lezzie's spend a
better chance of winning
it, if they change it to
"The Gashes"


Say what you like about
Prince Andrew, but he's
a massive promoter of
quality kids 'TV
He said he can't get
enough Teenage Student
Minge and Girdles.


I got my missus one of
these sports bras that
helps women play sports.
Complete waste of money,
she's still shit at snooker.


Finances are getting tight,
"We need to economise"
my wife said. "Start with
the little things such as
using toilet paper to clean
your glasses when you
are on the loo instead of
using expensive specs
cleaner."
I wish she had told me
what order to do it in
though.


Talking to a mate at work,
he said, "What rhymes with
orange?"
I said, No it doesn't! "


Let's bring back the old
school Sicki.
How do you get a gay to
fuck a woman?
Shit in her cunt.
( credit Jimmy Carr )


Saw my dyslexic mate
protesting outside the
garden centre holding up a
sign that read:
'Top soil now'.


Trevor Francis was
England's first one million
pounds man.
It was a shit show
compared to Steve
Austin's and his bird wore
a shell suit.


When I looked up "bell
end" in the Oxford English
dictionary, it said, "see
entry for Piers Morgan"

If genitals don't define
gender, how does removing
them affirm it?


My elderly neighbour went
on holiday and asked me
to do the curtains for her.
Strange request but
whatever.
Kinky old bitch.

[Bikkie]

The housewifes of neighbouring Turkey are fuming today as all the washing they hung outside to dry has to be washed again due to being completely covered in Greece.


What's got feathers, fur and scales. lots of legs and lots of wings but can't fly, walk or swim?

Every single bite of Gyro kebab meat you'l eat in the next 12 months




What’s the difference between a Barbie and me?

My girlfriend never bit her Barbies head off.


I'm not saying Will Smith's a wanker but he could star in The Fresh Prints on Bell End.



The lion was strutting through the jungle when he came across a snake.
He approached the snake and said to it, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The snake replied, "You are, O great lion."
"That's right," said the lion, and he carried on until he came across a monkey, and said to it, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The monkey replied, "You are, O great lion."
"That's right," said the lion, and he carried on until he came across an elephant, and said to it, "Who is the king of the jungle?"
The elephant picked up the lion in its trunk, and swung it around in the air as hard as it could before throwing it into the river nearby.
"Alright!" said the lion. "There's no need to lose your temper just because you don't know the answer!"




Men are advised to masturbate 21 times a month for cancer-lowering effects.

The other 47 times, just for pleasure.

[Piper]

Have you noticed, as
nights get darker, so do
takeaway delivery drivers?


"My mate used to live next
door to Harry Kane. He's a
bus driver."
"No, he's a footballer."


I tried drinking out of a
Spurs mug but it was
impossible.
When I tried to pick it up, it
kept sliding further down
the table.


The cricket board have
announced that in
deference to women's
cricket, batsmen are
Henceforth to be referred
to as" batters "
Can we go a step further,
and call them Fanny
Batters?


The UN Director General
has announced that the
climate has moved into a
'Global Boiling' phase.
Fucking idiot. Has he seen
how much British Gas are
charging?


Working for British Gas,
Heather Mills was one of
My house calls today.
I can safely say, Sir Paul
McCartney's old boiler is
on its last legs.


" Paddy... What's black at
the bottom and white at
the top?"
"A point of Guinness."
"No, the British class
system"

I just had the worst
blowjob ever.
I was so relaxed I farted
and followed through.


I asked my Chinese gf
for a 69 She said I'm not
getting the wok out this
time of night.


Whoever said "laugher is
the best medicine" never
suffered from erectile
dysfunction.


Einstein said nothing
could travel as fast as
light' well how come I
could hold a torch behind
my head in my Shadow
would reach the wall
before the light

[Piper]

I just went down on
my missus on her period!
Happy red nose day everyone.

[Piper]

I had a massive row with
my wife and threatened to
shoot myself.
She came back a while
later and said, "I see you're
still alive."
"It's harder than you think."
I replied as I put my bow
and arrows away.


I came home to find the
boy wanking the dogs off.
Dyslexic cunt.
I left a note asking him to
walk them.


My wife left me because
she said I was obsessed
with James Bond. I was
shaken, but not stirred.


Went to have an haircut
Barber said, "You want it cut
round back?"
"No," I replied, "I'll
stay here in with everyone
else."


The wife saw the Doctor
about her sore throat.
He said she can't swallow.
So the poor cow's had a
sore throat all these years.


When scientists discover
the centre of the Universe,
a lot of people will be
extremely disappointed.
Not me, though.


Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to
them.


My missus surprised me
by saying last nights anal
was the best we've ever
had together.
So much so she's just
ordered another strap on
in a larger size.


How do you know when
the building of a building
is complete?
When a feminist
previously nowhere to be
seen walks in demanding
equality.


What does foreplay with a
woman have in common
with a cereal packet?
To open slide finger under
flap.

[Piper]

The only highlights from
the women's football would be
if they filmed them having
a shower.


All this women's football
Bollocks is getting a bit
out of hand.
I've just heard on the
radio that Liverpool have
appointed a virgin fat dyke
as their new captain.


I'm trying to think of a joke
about women's football
but I can't get past the first
line.


Who in their right mind
would call their women's
football team The
Beavers?


What's blue and fucks
grannies?
Wayne Rooney in an
Everton shirt.


Philip Schofield gave up
the We Buy Any Car gig,
as soon as he found out
Enter Reg wasn't what he
thought it meant.

[Piper]

What's the difference
between a woman and an
egg?
The egg doesn't follow
the chicken around for 6
months after it's been laid.


I've just been offered a job
on minimum wage on a
zero contract.
"Cool," I said, "When don't
I start?"


As I was drying myself
off in the gym changing
rooms earlier I randomly
hit a semi. A naked
bodybuilder beside me got
angry and said, "I feel like
knocking you out son." I
said, "Why are you looking
at my cock you queer
cunt?!"


Someone has made a
replica of the set Loose
Women out of porcelain
It is so realistic that every
single woman has a chip
on their shoulder.


My mum died because
we couldn't remember
her blood type. She kept
saying, Be positive, but it's
hard without her.


I call my friend, The
Mongolian.
Why, is he big and strong
like genghis khan?
No, Ian is quiite the
opposite.


My wife keeps asking if
we can put the heating
on, but I'm tighter than the
front row of a Travis Scott
concert.


Incest, when you use
ancestry. com instead of
tinder.


The real problem with
FOX News is that it
never actually reports on
anything about foxes.


My woke friend died
Do they still need a wake?

[Bikkie]

BBC presenter Jane Hill has walked out of the Oppenheimer movie after complaining about the audio.

I think she had a fallout with staff.




That Oppenheimer film looks a blast.



Logged into to website of my local cinema earlier to book tickets to see Oppenheimer.
They’re completely sold out for the next six weeks.

Fuck me, they must be making a bomb!





The more Americans I meet, the more I'm convinced they're all of AI.





My friend said his wife likes coffee innuendos I said don't mocha


What do you call a female police officer with a shaved minge?

Cuntstuble.





Freddie Mercury moustache comb up for auction at Sothebys. Other personal aids he gave away freely...

I've just moved in to my new house in Texas and I have lovely new neighbours. Every Friday they must have a laundry club in his garage when he invites all his mates over, all you hear is " We must separate the white from the colours"





I see heaps of women footballers are speaking out about LGBTQ rights during the world cup, despite FIFA's ban.

Those cunning linguists.


It was so cold yesterday that my computer froze.

I suppose it's my own fault though.

I left too many windows open.