What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

What do you call a Canadian who spends all day on the john?


David Furnish





I haven't been very successful with my AI girlfriends.

Maybe I shouldn't start my first sentence with "Can I do you up the ass".


Rock star Alice Cooper has lost a lucrative cosmetics deal after he said of the trans debate: 'I find it wrong when you?ve got a six-year-old kid who has no idea. He just wants to play, and you?re confusing him telling him, 'Yeah, you?re a boy, but you could be a girl if you want to be.''

Yeah, that sort of thing could really confuse young folks. Couldn't it, Alice?



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O?Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, Top o the mornin? To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago??
She replied, Aye, that ye did, Father.
The Father asked, ?And be there Any wee little ones yet??
She replied, No, not yet, Father.?
The Father said, ?Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.?
She replied, Oh, thank ye, Father?? They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days??
She replied, ?Oh, very well, Father!?
The Father asked, ?And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet??
She replied, Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!?
The Father said, That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing??
She replied, Es gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin? candle!!!


Credit some cunt on facebook.





What did the whore say when I couldn't pay her full price?

Nothing to show more!




Why do transgender 'women' bother having their dick turned inside out to make a vagina?

Anyone sick enough to have sex with them is going to be sticking it up their arse anyway.



As we age our vision begins to fail us, but our ability to see through other people?s bullshit gets stronger.

[Piper]

Whats the only advantage
of being black?
You never have to worry
about Father’s Day.


Why is it called Father’s
Day?
Because Mother Fucker’s
Day was a bit much.


How did Durex wish its
customers on Father’s
Day?
"Happy Father's Day to
everyone who used our
competitors products."


What's the most deserted
place on Father’s Day?
The visitation ward.


Who started Father’s Day?
Certainly not a black guy.


Happy Father’s Day!
Even if you only think
you're the father.


Happy Father’s Day to
someone who's been
completely replaced in his
marriage by Fifty Shades
Of Grey.


What's the most
confusing day in Harlem?
Father’s.


Fucks sake, just had a
gang of niggers rob my
greetings card shop, they
devastated the place.
Still, at least they left the
fathers day cards.


Father’s Day this Sunday
and I guess I'll end up
buying him the same
present as every year.
A new urn


This Sunday is Father’s Day
or in Leroy's case it's
Sunday
It definitely won't be Son
Day.

[Bikkie]

R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
2
1
R
D
R
P
D
R
D
R
D
2
R
D
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
1
P
D
R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
2
1
R
D
R
P
D
R
D
R
D
2
R
D
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
1
P
D
R
D
R
D
P
2
R
D
R
D
R
2
1
P
R
D
R
2
P
Nothing special, just a woman parking an Automatic

[Piper]

Due to Covid, international travel is like
having sex with Freddie Mercury.
Your passage might be smooth if
you're lucky but in the long term
you are going to pay for it.


Margaritaville singer
Jimmy Buffett has died.
Wonder what sort of food
they'll have at the wake.


I went to the zoo today
and I saw the rarest, most
endangered species on
the planet.
A woman who wasn't
covered in hideous
tattoos.


My daughter once got
mad because I was
watching one of those
DIY home shows with her
kids in the room and she
actually sneered, "I want
them to watch something
that has plenty of people-of-colour
in it."
"Fair enough," I replied,
as I flipped it over to
Crime watch.


The richest Chinaman is
Cha-Ching Chong.


Hey Girl Are you an
angel? Or is that halo
just a symptom of my
cataracts?


Taylor Swift only makes
music for girls who give
tooth head.
Billie Eilish only makes
music for girls who give
Beachy Head.


A woman walks out of
the shower, winks at her
boyfriend and says,
"Honey, I shaved myself
down there. Do you know
what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah,
it means the drain is
clogged again."

[Bikkie]

Played Wordl today and got it in one. Took a guess and it was lucky!



American football star Damar Hamlin will return to the NFL after a horrendous injury where surgeons removed 75% of his spine.
He won't be playing receiver anymore though and is now a quarterback.




I tell people my job is spreading Swiss chocolate.

It sounds better than saying I'm a Lindt roller.





I was explaining to Rosie Jones about the day I met the front man of Take That and we ate some fruit biscuits.

Garibaldi ?

Close it's pronounced Barlow




I'm off to meet some bloke called poitier in Australia

Sydney?

No adelaide




People who handle deliveries: Are they all big, rough, clumsy, tattooed, uncouth idiots or were we just unlucky on our maternity ward?




Chris Rock may be a popular comedian but it must be awkward signing your fans' tits with Tippex.



I think I could win that darts tournament I'm entering in East Africa,

Kenya?

Yeah, I reckon I can




i was in the south of france at a nudist beach last week.
Brest?
yeah and fanny


Why don't the England Rugby Team do a world cup song with David Essex?.

Knock on.




My wife came back from the hairdressers today with a short back and sides.

She reminded me so much of our son I had to fuck her up the arse after she had sucked my cock.


I'm just incredibly bored by the whole 'identity politics' thing.

My pronouns are ho/hum.




I'm in hospital in the capital of Switzerland

Bern?

No I fell over skiing




Mason Greenwood and Antony walk into a chippy in Manchester.

"What'll it be boys?" Asked the assistant.

"We don't give a fuck, "said Greenwood, "so long as it's battered."




I saw two white guys sitting under a tree hiding from the sun, they looked shady.
Then I saw two black guys sitting in the sun, they also looked shady.


A good way to contextualise Prince Andrew is to think of Cinderella.

In his version, he still holds the ball - except he marries one of the ugly sisters. Cinderella never meets him, stays at home, regularly gets pimped out & then one day he sticks ?12 million quid through her letterbox.

And they all live happily fucking ever after.




With the warm weather there's lots of sexy girls out today.

Their skirts are so short you can tell what brand of nappy they're wearing.



My wife is from the south of Italy. She's got cracking tits.


Naples?


Like fucking saucers mate.




My grandad gave me some sound advice on discussing politics when I was younger.

?Your political views should remain hidden, just imagine you're locking them away so they don'
t cause harm, like black people?



The latest covid variant is called Pirola. Pirola is also a Spanish slang word for Penis.

As in: Take off your mask, you look a right Pirola.



It's good to see transgender people taking such an active role in modern life.

Like Kevin Keegan, for example.

He's stopped perming his hair to make himself look more masculine and is now calling himself "Gillian".



Heterosexuals.

Keeping the species going for the last 3 million years so you can pretend that you're a woman.




When someone says 'Can I ask you a question? ' they actually mean 'Can I ask you two questions? '

[Piper]

According to the advert,
nothing satisfies like a
Subway footlong.
So that's why Leroy's wife
squeezes herself into
underground trains in
Harlem every night.


Blowjobs here, blowjobs
there I love giving
blowjobs everywhere. I
love being a leaf collector.


Man: Can I get a
hamburger with cheese?

Me: We only accept cash
or card.


I'm never going for a
Indian with Madonna
again. She kept banging
on about the values of
a flat, crispy flour-based
fried food designed to
accompany dishes.
Talk about poppadum
preach.


My buddy says he’s
seriously losing his
hearing and believes it’s
due to endless years of
listening to Deaf Metal.


I got in touch with my
inner self today.
That's the last time I buy
Value toilet paper.


The source of American
obesity :
In 1984 the UK song "Feed
The World" was released.
IN 1985 the Americans
released the song "We Are
The World"

[Piper]

And the man credited with
inventing the teddy bear
grabbing machine, finally
admitted today that he
got his inspiration from
watching a blind man
trying to pick his guide
dog's shit up.


"I will look for you, I will
find you, and I will kill you."
And just like that, Liam
Neeson's grandson didn't
want to play hide and seek.


So in the really old days
you would get your
surname by what you
did or what you were, so
Baker or Butcher or Smith
or Farmer Right.
I knew a chap called
Rutter once which worried
me a bit, but then I met a
chap called Dickinson...
I mean how did they know
and why did they not try to
stop the bastard?

PS I know a Hillary Fluffer
once as well and I didn't
have the heart to mention
this.

[Bikkie]

Ironically, white people actually have the lightest fingers.




I went to Belgium for the weekend. Went to a restaurant which did a full english Sunday roast dinner. Chicken, stuffing, Yorkshires, roast potatoes and lots of green veg.

Brussels?

No, I went for the broccoli





I went to Northern France last weekend to watch a live gig which was headlined by a famous american female solo singer.

Brittany?

No, Beyonce




I went to visit my parents in Scotland last weekend.

Mother well?

No, Dundee



Three family relatives were at the solicitor's office. The son who has lead a sensible life with a wife and two kids, the other son who is focused on his career and the other son who was a right horrible heroin addict. Their father has died and has left a vast fortune to be distributed between the three.

The first son is left with the house, on the will it says 'I understand you have a wonderful loving family so I leave you my house.'

The second son is left with the furniture and paintings , on the will it says 'I understand you were very fond of my furniture and paintings so I leave you my furniture and paintings'

The third son, the horrible heroin addict, was rubbing his hands, thinking he's gonna get the money.

The solicitor hands him a box. The third son is perplexed. He opens the box and finds a big enormous dildo.

The solicitor reading the rest of the will says, 'I leave all of my money to go to charity to help with orphans with drug problems.'

The third son grabs his dildo and is enraged an throws it across the room! He then finds a note in the box. It's from the deceased father.

The note says...

'If you think I'm funding your habit, you can go fuck yourself....'





An interestingly ironic fact I've just read. In Spanish, the translation for "Non binary" is either "No binario" or "No binaria"....... But the one you should use is dependent on the GENDER of who you're talking about. ??



I've just had a haircut in Northern Ireland.


Antrim?


Yeah, beard & pubes.




The one thing cookbooks and porno mags have in common, is that the best pages are always stuck together.




"Yeah I'm over the moon, I mean it doesn't matter which end it goes in, a goal is a goal" Harry Maguire told reporters.



The only thing more dangerous than two women running with scissors is two women scissoring with the runs.



Meghan finds out she's 43% Nigerian.

Niger is 62.5%. Maybe she deducted 20% for a missing g?




Wife: "Hey you only fucked me for five minutes"
Husband: "That was doggy style so in doggy years it's been over an hour"



Just eaten a big steak while listening to Susan Vega.

Fuck the system.




According to the Wall Street Journal, Americans consume so many laxatives there is now a national shortage.

Hardly surprising. Most Americans are full of shit.

[Piper]

Mark Bolan would be still alive
today , had he not let his girlfriend
drive.

[Bikkie]

The only 'Second Coming' Donald Trump will experience in 2024 will be courtesy of his cellmate.


High Court judges love irony.

They ask people to swear not to tell lies by placing their hand on a Bible.




BBC's Horrible Histories is telling kids that Romans were Black.

It's an obvious falsehood, because they built roads, walls, villas and....baths.




On a recent visit to Kensington Palace, Prince Harry and Meghan took a stroll through the grounds. Seeing an old, shortsighted gardener had dropped some tools from his wheelbarrow a short distance from where he was trying to dig a hole with a trowel, Harry picked them up and walked over.

Excuse me, you might find it easier to use this spade, he said with a smile.

That's very kind, Sir, thank you, said the gardener. Turning to Meghan, he said, find yourself a shovel darling and I'll show you where to get digging.




I wonder how many, who were never told the story about the boy who cried Wolf, are now wishing they could have their tits or penises back?.

[Piper]

The hills have eyes. Not
entirely true. Mr and Mrs
Hill next door to me don't
have any due to an acid
attack...


This dog, is dog, a dog,
good dog, way dog, 2 dog,
keep dog, an dog, idiot
dog, busy dog, 4 dog, 30
dog seconds dog.
Now read again without
the word "dog."

[Piper]

I hate it when the clocks
go forward because it's
an hour less I can hate
the fucking government.


Feminist britches
beware! There's a load of
dyslexic men out tonight,
flicking their cocks
forward.


At my age, "spring forward"
is less about Daylight savings time.
And more about my
attempts to get out of a
chair.

[Bikkie]

Looking forward to tuning into today's look into the issues faced by the LGBTQ Community, as well the racial injustices encountered by black people on a daily basis, and the sexism that exists currently in society

Or 'Football Focus' as it's otherwise known




Scottish space program announced.

I doubt they'll ever toss a caber that fucking high.




My wife actually wants me to go buy a recliner fo the homo-trans son to sit in whilst he plays 'The Sims' video game.

"Great, a Lazy Boy for the Lady Boy."




In the 1700's people used to pay to visit the Bedlam lunatic asylum in London to witness the patients bizarre behaviour, strange dress and insane rantings.

Nowadays, you can just walk down any street or turn the TV on to see the same thing for free


Rumours abound about a romance between Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer.

I always knew they were more than just friends.



Bob Geldof looks like Donald Trump on the Zombie drug




It must be terrible for Oprah Winfrey, Samuel L Jackson, Whoopi Goldberg, Eddy Murphy, Halle Berry, and Will Smith, to think about their huge multi million dollar mansions, their expensive cars, and clothes, the opulent food on their table, the exotic holiday destinations they go to in private jet's, Their bank balances that are bigger than the GDP of a lot of African countries........ and realise that their lives could have been so much better if it wasn't for all the white supremacy holding them back.




On sky news today they announced details of a Scottish space program ffs, just imagine in years to come.
Sutherland we have a problem ,Hamish has forgotten his methadone.



Rupert Murdoch is to step down as chair of Fox and News Corp.

Murdoch was responsible for the serialisation of the fake diaries of Adolf Hitler in his Sunday Times.

In a strange twist of fate, he was also recently divorced from Jerry Hall.

I always thought Jerry Hall was where Germans held their balls.









Talking to my mate over a few pints in the boozer:

'So, what's your favourite sexual position then?'

'I like a few of them - doggy style, reverse cowgirl, spooning, it's all good.'

'Yeah, my missus isn't much to look at either.'



Can't see the re-make of the classic 'Bullitt' being any good.

It's set in Wales.



After her trial, someone suggested Lucy Letby was a female incel.

I guess she's a female in cell now.



It's so confusing going to hospitals these days.

There's so many signs saying 'No Smoking', and just as many LGBT posters.

Basically, you can't go outside to suck on a fag, but it's fine to have a drag and blow a few puffs.




Can you imagine if they made The Two Ronnies now?


It's goodnight from me ....

.... And it's goodnight from him/her/she/them/that/it





The Turkish FA have sacked their German manager after Turkey lost to Japan.

Kuntz.




Vanessa Feltz has revealed that her favourite sex position is 'reverse cowgirl'

Her shocked and visibly shaken former partner said "I actually thought she'd been sucking me off all those times, but it turns out that what I'd actually been looking at, was in fact her enormous arse"




Where do Joan Jett and the Blackhearts live?




Isle of rock and roll




Ryanair passenger attacks staff and smashes furniture and a computer during Palma airport rampage after missing his flight.

Never seen Michael O'Leary so angry.





Cant believe there are 3.8 billion woman on this planet and its still not fucking clean!





Watch out King Charles!

Judging from the newspaper photos, Macron the Granny Shagger has got his eyes on Queen Camilla.




"Isn't she lovely" - Stevie Wonder

How would that cunt know?




Just heard Chris Rea has re-released his big Xmas hit for the Welsh, it's been renamed Driving Home for Easter?




Roger Whittaker has finally left old Durham Town.





Today's Wordle. I didn't get it in one but it was close.


My next door neighbours dog keeps trying to mount anything that moves...it's a Jack Russell brand

[Piper]

The Government outlines
the Road to Freedom...
... Or is it the Road to
De-Mask Us?


Statistics are like Bikini
Atoll...
Their essence utterly
obliterated for the purpose
of proving a political point.


Debating.
Where a Jamaican likes to
sail his boat.


What's the difference
between a politician and a
Feminist?
Politicians occasionally
do things for the benefit of
the society.


Voting is like going to
the movies. You suspend
disbelief in a world of
ridiculous fantasy hoping
that what comes next
doesn't suck.


Gay rights campaigners.
They've never had a
decent crack.


What's the difference
between football and
politics?
In football you’re allowed
to use your head.


"Doctor, how much longer
is covid going to last?"
"Don't ask me, I'm not a
politician."


A politician walks into a bookshop.

"Excuse me, have you got
any books on honesty?"
"Yes," replied the
assistant, "may I
recommend," Take Only
What You Need " by Olivia
Strapon, at £8.99"
"Yes,that's great can you
make the receipt for £25
please for my expense
account."


I dated a politician with
a case of uncontrollable
diarrhoea, she followed
through on all her
promises.


Budget:

I'd clear the tax problems.
Don't tax retailers like Ann
Summers.
Put a bigger tax on
batteries.


If women ran the world we
wouldn't have wars.
Just intense negotiations
every 28 days.


Believe or not, I was all in
favour of women being
allowed to vote.
Until I saw how many
think those Sunday Sport
Stories are genuine.


My fat feminist labour
voting wife unbelievably
told me today that she's
looking forward to "The
Great Reset!"
"Fuck that to hell," I
replied, "Jews and the
Ultra-wealthy pulling
the strings, going to
put women, blacks,
pakis, and people with
bizarre sexual identities
running government and
corporations and such!"
"Uh, not that, I mean I
somehow pressed 'Input'
and couldn't get back to
Hulu and I need you to
reset the thing so I can go
back to watching the telly
all day."


How do you shut up a
Feminist animal rights
Campaigner?
Ask her if she's pleased
about winning the jockey
in the Grand National.


It is easier for a Camel
to go through the eye
of a needle than a
Conservative to enter the
Kingdom of God.


To applaud a politician
because he/she has
built a school, hospital
or something with
public funds is just like
applauding an ATM for
giving you your own
money.


I think we should stop
looking for signs of
intelligent life in space,
and start searching for at
least a trace of it in the
Conservative party.


Choosing the next prime
Minister is like deciding
which portaloo to use on
the third day of a rock
festival!

Communists really do live
up to their saying, "Take
money from the rich"
Most of them were raised
in upper class homes and
still live with their parents.


I sent my conservative
mate online the 1998
movie "Cube", about
political prisoners thrown
inside an endless Rubiks
Cube maze with lethal
booby traps like sudden
acid baths;and I said,
"This is where in only a
couple of years people doing
'misinformation' here and in
Canada and such against the
PC state will get thrown."


Funny how the people
who complain most about
society also happen to be
those who contribute
the. least.

[Piper]

Catchphrase in 5 years time.

Bing!!
Well Paul you’re answer
was technically correct,
but Geoff over there
shouted his incorrect
answer louder, so he takes
the point unfortunately.
Oh, and Susan was
actually offended by your
answer, so she gets the
bonus point.


Sir Elton John and David
Furnish have issued a
strongly worded request,
that the government
continue to offer asylum
to gays, whose countries
of origin have made
homosexuality illegal!
The statement in full :
Please don't cut off your
supply!


Cleavage - it's like the sun.
You can look, but it's
dangerous to stare.


Survivor - Outwit, Outplay,
Outlast.
Love Island - Faster, Harder,
DEEPER!