What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

It's so cold in parts of the country,
hookers are charging $20
to blow on hands.


What girls really mean.

We can be friends....... Fuck
Off.

Your very sweet
but....... Fuck Off

I have a boyfriend
already....... Fuck Off

I'm gay....... Fuck Off

I'm not sure I can manage
the wheelchair....... Fuck Off

I'd sooner suck your dog
off....... Fuck Off

I'd sooner fuck
myself with the rough
end of a revolving
pineapple....... You've been
told to fuck off once.



Every time I ring a
company I always get the
same message.

"Please hold we will be
with you shortly."

All I want to know is, How
the fuck did they know my
names Shortly.



Hello, hello. It's good to be
back, it's good to be back.

Hello, hello. It's good to be
back, it's good to be back.

Did you miss me, Every
single day.

It's been the best
disappearing act since
Glen Miller...

[Bikkie]

For chicken to be considered 'halal' it must be killed in the traditional Muslim way.

How the fuck do you put a backpack on a chicken?





Apparently, in Robin Hood; Prince of Thieves, Robin was travelling to Sherwood Forest from Jerusalem stopping at the Sycamore Gap tree in Northumberland.

I guess Lady Marian was doing the map reading.




"Did you buy that jumper on the West Coast of America recently?"

"Yes"

"New Jersey?"

"Yeah, do you like it?"



"I served Diane Abbott in KFC today"

"How can you be sure it was her?"

"She asked for five Big Macs"




Ben Shephard is set to replace Phillip Schofield as Holly Willoughby's partner on This Morning.

Ben is surprisingly white, non-trans and doesn't take it up the shitter.



James Bond to stay male, will be played by Elliot Page.





The BBC'S dramatisation "The Reckoning" about Jimmy Savile's depravity, is finally going to be broadcast. They say the King told them to pull it.

But he was only a Prince back then.





Apparently the female version of Teabagging is called Flapuccino.




Been racing the other blokes on site all week seeing who can get changed into our work clothes the fastest.
I wasn't great at boots and gloves but I was however the overall champion !





This Big black prostitute who was also a Chelsea fan, got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on the inside of her thighs.She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips!





'Black Lives Matter' are a bit like Hollywood -

If the villain's not white, they're not interested.





Right again, Einstein! Scientists prove that 'monster' black hole is SPINNING.

Will explain Diane Abbott's dizzy spells.





BBC News - Europe's oldest shoe found in Spanish bat cave

Strange, I thought the bat cave was American?




Jason Momoa dressed up as Johnny Depp on the set of Aquaman 2.

I'm betting it didn't take him much to frighten the shit out of Amber Turd





My pregnant wife has hinted she wants to name our unborn son after a screwdriver.


I'm pretty sure that Flathead will get bullied at school though.

[Bikkie]

I sat opposite a lady on the bus today with large breasts and a see-through jumper on.

I thought to myself I hope she gets off at the next stop.

Because I have missed eight stops already...




The true definition of white privilege.

Arguing with a frothing xenophobic bigot on Twitter whilst simultaneously trying to think of a racist joke to put on Sickipedia.




Left-handed gays prefer a cock Cornish pasty.




I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.





I saw a woman trying to park her car in a Tesco car park.

After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you like me to do that for you?"

"No thanks," she replied.

"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping an hour later.



Breaking news:

Paul Pogba positive to testosterone.

He thought he was buying a Ferrari.



Fucked a dog the other day.

Whippet?

Nah, just slapped it's arse a bit.




Shagged a sheep farmer from West London the other night.

Shepherds Bush?

No, it was shaven actually.




What do Man Utd and Sir Alex Ferguson have in common? They're both back on the market.




At school, we were taught that a minus multiplied by a minus becomes a plus. Yet, when I told the bank to times my overdraft by my mortgage arrears and let me have the remainder, they told me to fuck off.




My mum's a lesbian and she's learning to speak the Irish language.

Gaelic?

She probably does.



My dad's a homosexual. He lives in India now.


Mumbai?


I don't know actually. I'll ask her.




AOC asks why Congress needs a house speaker when everyone already has headphones.



I've just opened up a wholesalers in the Middle East

Dubai?

Yes and sell.





We're finally off mountaineering in Morocco!


Atlas


I know, after all these years!





I once asked Wayne Rooney if he'd ever seen The Joy of Sex

He said she's 67 & charges $100 per hour




Went too a lynching in Lancashire yesterday.

Blackburn?

No, we hung the fucker




October 8th marks the start of the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool. Rumours suggest that VAR will be in attendance just in case any policies are accidentally formulated.




My favorite conspiracy theory is everything happens for a reason.



One of our black employees came into my office and asked, "Can I use the colour printer?"

I said, "In this day and age Leroy, you can use any printer."





I got a part time job making plastic Draculas.

It's great but there are only two of us, so I have to make every second count.



How do you knock out a female Muslim boxer?
With A-JAB





The companion show 'The Great British Bake-off: An Extra Slice' is great if you're a bulimic.

You get to stuff yourself with cakes whilst watching the main show, then Jo Brand's face makes it all come back up again.




I'm sure King Charles will change his views on immigration when his building and contented insurance assessor tells him that the value of Buckingham palace has dropped by a third, and his premiums have doubled, all because the building's now classed as bang in the middle of a huge high crime zone.




I thought I'd have a quiet night in last night, so I watched a gangster film and ordered a pizza.

Domino's?

No, Goodfella's.




There's a Netflix documentary about the Beckhams where Victoria moans about Rebecca Loos.

I'd rather hear from the missus of the pig Rebecca wanked off - She'd be better looking, more intelligent and be able to carry a tune.





The wife complained that we need to spice up our sex life, she wanted to feel like she had ants in her pants again, I said best I can do is crabs.





Did you know if you freeze used tampons you can pass them out as popsicles to vampires?




A blond had recently dyed her hair brown, to get away from being made fun of for being blonde.

One day she was driving down a country lane and saw a farm with lots of sheep, and she became enamored by the thought of having a big fluffy sheep as her own. She drove up the long drive to the farm house and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered she asked him a question.

Sir, if I can guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of the baby sheep as my own?

The farmer scratches his head, and thinking how impossible it would be as he had hundreds of sheep agreed.

Well the lady spends a couple hours walking around ostensibly counting sheep, and as the sun is setting, knocked on the door again.

Well sir, I've counted and counted sheep, and by my estimate you have 875 sheep, not including the babies.

The farmer, amazed, because he'd checked his paperwork and did Indeed that many adult sheep.

He agreed, and she went down to the nearest paddock, and picked up the fluffiest, cutest animal she could.

As she was getting into her car to leave, the farmer hollered out to her.

Hey miss, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my sheep dog back?





I met this girl in Jackson southern United States who could only consume small amounts at a time from her beer. I didn't half call her some funny names.

Mississippi?

Yeah that one too!





Kemi Badenoch has said that Britain is the best place to be black.

I say: not if the black person in front of you is carrying a knife.




Black History month.

Thousands of the fuckers are history with all the knife-crime in Sad Dick Khan?s London.




My nickname's London Bus.

Because I come in threes.





It was a snowy day at the White House and President Trump decided to walk outside in the Rose Garden to clear his head. As he walked around the Rose Garden, he noticed yellow, cursive writing, peed in the snow that read, "Convict Trump."

Outraged, Trump brought over the Secret Service and demanded that they investigate. After taking some time for a thorough investigation, a Secret Service agent approached Trump and said, "We've completed our investigation and I'm afraid we have two bad pieces of information for you. The first is that the urine in the snow matches the urine of Vice President Pence."

Trump reeled from the news and said, "That's terrible. I can't imagine anything worse. Did you say there were two pieces of bad news? What's the second one?"

The agent responded, "The handwriting is Melania's."




two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the other guy called over the blonde waitress.

“My friend and I are having an argument. When he gets back I’ll call you over and ask you a question. The answer you need to give is ‘a third X cubed’. Can you do that?”

“Thurdeks coobed?”

“a third X cubed.”

“a Third Ekscubed. Sure I can do that.”

The other chap comes back to the table and his friend says.

“I’ll prove to you that women are as good as men at maths. See the blond waitress; I’ll ask her a question and we’ll see if she knows any maths.”

So he calls the waitress over and asks, “What is the integral of X squared?”

As quick as a shot, she comes out with “A third X cubed.”

The misogynist is stunned. The waitress smiles and walks away.

Then she stops and calls back, “plus a constant.”



I'm the UK's high jump champion, with a lifetime best of 0.14 metres.

I owe it all to marijuana.




My wife and I used to have a fantastic sex life.

Then we met.





The one thing politicians & porn stars have in common is, they're both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.



Freddie Mercury: " Brian, my arsehole is bright red and itchy"
Brian May: " Ring sting"
Freddie Mercury: " How the fuck will he know what's wrong with it?"




Daily Telegraph: Royal Navy tells personnel to use pronouns in Trans guidance, to avoid "micro aggressions".

What was wrong with: Hello Sailor?.




It was winter in the Scottish highlands and nobody had seen McDougall for a week. A search party sets out and they find the snow up to the roof of his cottage.

One of the party goes up to the chimney and shouts, “McDougall, are you there?”

McDougall replies, “Aye, who is it?”

The rescuer says, “It’s the Red Cross.”

McDougall shouts, “Away, I gave last month.”



Looking for one night stand.
I'll take two though as I have two bedside lamps.





What do you call your mum's angry French sister?

A Croissaunt.


I stopped a bloke in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He replied, "Spurs to win the Premier League."




......... All I'm saying is that maybe it would be interesting to have a good look at Guy Fawkes's original plan, Identify where it went wrong, work out what could be done to fix those problems, and how the plan could be improved upon by using modern explosives.

[Piper]

Happy National Mental
Health Day.
GO nuts!!


A man walked into a
Psychiatrist's office
wearing nothing but a pair
of polythene underpants.
The psychiatrist said, "I
can see clearly your nuts."

[Piper]

Now I'm in the shit...
I thought it was Black Fry
Day.

[Bikkie]

I saw a Pakistani filling up his car at the garage.

He squeezed seven adults and fourteen children in.





Only twelve people have walked on the Moon.

I just wish Sting had fucking stayed there.




Rishi Sunak became the first Prime Minister since Winston Churchill to stay aboard a Royal Naval vessel.

Sailors used to have to walk the plank, not salute it.




The football commentator keeps calling a black Republic of Ireland player Ogbene.

It's O'gbene!.





Just saw my neighbour.

"Awful Weather Today"

He said "Yeah For F Ducks"

I said "Is that still legal then."




As a dyslexic, I'm really looking forward to seeing the movie of Taylor Swift's Arse Tour.




What do u call a Frenchman wearing sandals Phillipe Flop





Im not sure whos more bent BBC Question Time or the Italian football league




I couldn?t believe my eyes when I saw members of the same family having sex on a poker table. But then I saw someone up the auntie.




A homeless man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, ? If you give me a free drink, I'll show you a trick that will blow your mind.?

The bartender is naturally skeptical and says, ? Show me the trick first and if it blows my mind I'll give you that drink.?

The homeless man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. The mouse runs down the bar to the bar's piano and starts running along the keys, playing a tune.

The bartender is suitably impressed and gives the homeless man a free drink.

The homeless man says, ? If you give me another drink I'll show you another trick that will blow your mind even more. ?

The bartender wasn't sure how the homeless man could outdo the piano playing mouse, but he says, ? If you can top that mouse, I'll let you drink free all night.?

The homeless man smiles and reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog that proceeds to sing along to the tune the mouse is playing.

The bartender says,? Okay, you're drinking free all night.?

Another patron of the bar approaches the homeless man and says,? I'll give you five hundred dollars for that frog right now!?

The homeless man says, ? Sold!?

The man gives him the money, picks up the frog and walks out of the bar as happy as a clam.

The bartender is stunned and asks, ? Why in the world did you do that!? You had a singing frog! You could have made millions with that thing, and you let it go for a measly five hundred bucks!??

The homeless man just smiles,shakes his head and says,? Nah,that frog was worthless.? He points at the mouse and adds, ? It's all the mouse,he doesn't just play the piano, he's also a ventriloquist.?



Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter".
Father: "Oh hoo, I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must
promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even
hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh ho, I wish you hadn't said that.
Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so
mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with
six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want.
Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!
Son Fainted...



Heroin needles are like children.

Frequently abandoned by niggers.




Typical Muslim logic

Bite the hand that feeds you.
Then whine like a bitch when you stop getting fed.




If I got a dollar for every time I was paranoid I'd wonder who was paying me and why?



If you join the Conspiracy Theories Club, chances are you won't believe what the first rule is.



It's Black History Month on Sky.

After 13.5 billion years of the universe, I think we can allow them that.




They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ...

SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ..
They're happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How frigging dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"???

Well No Shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!





I tried to join an exclusive S&M club but i got blackballed, It was great.





The wife's given up smoking.

Ever since she started using Vaseline on her knees and elbows.





I've always believed you should never focus on the negative, which is probably why I made such a lousy photo technician





I'm getting a reversible jacket for Christmas.
I can't wait to see how it turns out.




You know Christmas is coming when the demos start in London and the looting begins.




You know Christmas is coming when the demos start in London and the looting begins.





Just read a really sad story about how blind people get used to new surroundings.

Touching stuff.



I went to the Doctors and told him I can't stop looking at 17 year old black girls.

So he's given me some nigger teen patches.




Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
-
Just switch off the lights




If the number 666 is considered evil,
25.8069758 is the root of all evil.



Wife - I had a dream last night where I was at at an auction and they were selling penises. The big ones went for 20 quid and the thick ones went for 30
Husband - How much did the ones like mine go for?
Wife - Oh, they just gave those away...
Husband - I had a dream where they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand pounds and the tight and attractive ones went for multiple thousands...
Wife - And how much for one like mine?
Husband - Where do you think we were holding the auction?



Big Brother UK 2023.

No need to adjust your colour or contrast settings.





How come the Labour Party is having its conference in Liverpool?

I thought they were the workers party?




I’m not saying that my mate is thick but he asked me if a menstrual cycle was cheaper than a Raleigh.




Showbiz news:

Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks gets her own Barbie doll.

They must be well overpriced if she's only just managed to save up for one.


The wife's had floor, ceiling and wall-to-wall mirrors installed in every room in our house.

The Doctor told her to watch her weight.





I called my boss and said, "I won't be coming in today, the car won't start."

He asked, "What about the bus?"

I replied, "I don't have a bus."





White DJs on the radio play music by various artists.

Black DJs on the radio only play music by black artists.

Racist cunts.


A Russian agent arrives at a small Welsh station and asks for Mr Jones.

“Well,” says the stationmaster, “there’s Jones the Milk, Jones the Meat, Jones the Flowers, Jones the Undertaker. In fact, my name’s Jones.”

The agent whispers to him, “The eagle doesn’t walk over the mountain.”

“Ah,” says the stationmaster, “you want Jones the Spy.”





Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You'll get a better understanding, but it dies in the process.




The Rolling Stones are re-releasing one of their greatest hits to help with aid in Gaza.
GIMME SHELTER drops in shops tomorrow.

[Piper]

I thought I saw a cow's
arsehole on the television.
Then I realised it was
Donald Trump's mouth.


Amazon have been
accused of peddling
knock-off products and
fiddling search engine
results.
In other news, it was
revealed that the earth
goes round the sun and
that manipulating your
penis produces orgasm.


Thinking of buying an electric scooter,
Don't bother, just nick one, you can
activate it with a
defibrillator.


My new campaign aims to
persuade blokes in drag
that manual cars aren't. safe
to drive in heels.
I'm on an automatic trans
mission.


I'm watching Back To The
Future.
I first saw it in 2034


Im travelling to a Pacific
Island where I'm guaranteed
to have some kinky fun with
a native girl.
Are you going to tonga?
Too fucking right and
I'm going to finger her
bumhole.


A woman came up to me
in the gym and asked if
I knew which exercises
would help her lose
weight.
I said, "Try shaking your
head from side to side."
She replied, "How often
should I do that?"
I remarked, "Every time
someone offers you food."


I used to date a girl who
had a twin.
People asked me how I
could tell them apart.
Well Susie used to paint
her nails blue.
And Steve had a cock.


Twitter has provided a
new feature - an edit
button.
But I feel like many of its
users are already used to
rubbing one out.


Tik Tok is a place where
underage girls dance
provocatively for free
Apparently.


'.... What do you call a
Magician who lost his
Magic?
Ian.


My wife is a Judge.
Well not professionally...


You never see a poor
gardener do you?
It's safe to say they rake
it in.


I really need to watch the
rest of sky fall. I walked
out of the cinema after
the fat lady had sung
because I thought it was
over!


My wife met me at the
front door the other day
wearing a see through
crotchless negligee
twirling her knickers round
her finger, licking her lips.
I said, "where the fuck
have you been?"

[Piper]

DIsney
Scottish for doesn't.


19 Oct 2034
The Wokeingham Times.

A 28 year old white
hetrosexual male was
today sentenced to seven
years hard labour in a
Gulogcamp for having
illegal pornography on his
communications device.
The image showed a
white man having sex with
a woman who was not a
Feminist, obese disabled,
a lesbian or black. In
sentencing the judge said,

"This kind of perversion
won't be tolerated and
offenders will be dealt
with as harshly as the
power of the law will allow
Me."

[Bikkie]

If a women sleeps with 10 men, she's a slut, but if a man does it, he's ??

Gay, he's gay!




I?ve started to identify as a Camptown Lady.

My pronouns are doo/dah.




Tui flight skids off runway landing at Bradford airport.

Inside the plane, skids were everywhere.



It's always hard talking to an attractive woman.
But then it goes soft again when she tells me to fuck off and threatens to call the police.





Scientists have announced the results of a study that found that people who skip breakfast are inclined to crave fatty, high-calorie foods later in the day.

So basically what they've discovered is, if you don't eat for a while you'll start to feel hungry.





I saw two homeless people kissing passionately in the street earlier.

Eventually I shouted, "Get a box!"




If my sex life was a business, it's slogan would be "We're not happy until you're not happy."




Why did pac-man stop eating ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.




I'm not saying I'm old.

But these days, when she leans over and whispers "your pad or mine?" she's asking which of us has pissed ourself.





I think it's bullshit that people believe Chuck Berry's ?My ding-a-ling? is some sort of ode to masturbation.

I once penned a song called - Rubbing my tiny flaccid penis as I watch the neighbour?s daughter getting ready for school through the gap in the curtains- and no twat came up to me afterwards & said I'd written anything about a fucking bell.





One ocean is the largest and deepest of Earth's five oceanic divisions. It extends from the Arctic Ocean in the north to the Southern Ocean (or, depending on definition, to Antarctica) in the south and is bounded by the continents of Asia and Oceania in the west and the Americas in the east.

At 63,800,000 square miles in area (as defined with a southern Antarctic border), this hydrosphere covers about 46% of Earth's water surface and approximately 32% of the planet's total surface area - larger than its entire land area of 57,000,000 square miles.

To be Pacific.





I think I saw Prince Andrew chatting up a schoolgirl near a major London train station earlier


King's Cross?


He fucking will be when he gets the bill





How do Pokemon take industrial action?

They picket you.



It'll soon be Halloween, when ghoulish children run with excitement around the town knocking on doors for treats.

Enjoy this magical time kids.

Before Uncle Jimmy dresses up as Father Christmas and fingers your arse while you sit on his lap.




TOP TIP: Circumcised pacifist Jewish men. Why not show solidarity with the Palestinian people by wearing a specially fitted miniature tea-towel at the end of your cock?




next pride i will invest in some rainbow colored toilet roll so i can show my support





What was Arnold Swarzneggers reply to Netflix when they requested he appear in a remake of Predator?

"I'll be black"



Not trying to brag, but I've been the same gender since birth.




So reading the news this morning and I see Megan Markle is preparing her comeback, I'm pretty sure Harry's been coming on her back for years.



A guy is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamaican putting up a sign that reads "Boat for sale." The man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep. Confused he says to the Jamaican, "Where's the boat, all I see is a caravan and a jeep?" "Yes, mon," replies the Jamaican, "and they're boat for sale!"





Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce now a couple .

Who's the tightend now?




I often stare at a big sign on the wall at my gym that states, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I think, 'Whoever wrote that never tried to cancel their membership.'





I'd imagine the phrase "getting sacked" takes on new meanings if you work at a nudist resort.





Things you'll never hear after thirty seconds,,,

"Oh my God - OH MY God - OHMIGOOOODd"...




I was going into the local chemist today when a young lad stopped me and said " Hey mate get me a packet of condoms I'm to embarrassed to go in myself." I said "No worries mate, been there myself years ago ." I went up to the counter and said to the woman "Give me a packet of condoms." She replies "What size..3...6...or 12." I said "I've only just met the lad I don't know what size his cock is."




Skoda charges buyers extra to use features built into the car.

For an extra couple of hundred quid, they throw in a gearbox.

[Bikkie]

Ikeido - the Swedish martial art of furniture building




I couldn't do today's Wordle.

Retry needed.




After seeing a rock tribute band made up of people with cerebral palsy, I can't honestly say I would recommend going to see Mong Jovi




My wife quickly became angry and soured on it like I thought she would after her plan to make things exciting in the bedroom by using "Pet Names" didn't go as planned.

"Easy Fido," I said.




Rebecca Adlington

Was once likened to the reflection on the back of a spoon?

Nowadays, she's more like the hook on a coathanger.




Just seen a Chinese man pissing into the front pocket of an Australian marsupial

Mind you, it did follow him saying "I'm just going to the roo"





Modern music is a 'one-way toilet', says Keith Richards.

He would know, it's something he visits a lot these days.




A Chinese brewery is investigating after a video showed an employee peeing into the ingredients container.

In his defence though, his colleagues had just told him they'd won the contract to produce Fosters




I once nicked some raisins off a famous Latin American rock star


Santana's


No just raisins




I have found the solution for gender confusion:

Kick it in the balls.




There's a big drug problem where I live.

I can't fucking get any.






'm suprised Harry & Meghan haven't trademarked 'By Royal Disappointment'




What do British people love most?
I'll walk you through it step by step:
First and first, the weather must be ideal - Sunday afternoon, completely pouring outside, and cold enough to require a jumper within.
Step 1: Brew yourself a cup of tea.
Step 2: Walk to the kitchen window, back door, or living room bay window and gaze out the window at the rain.
Step 3: Place one hand on one's hip.
Step 4: Whether the room is occupied or not: "It's really starting to rain now."
Step 5: Take a long, slow drink of tea.

[Bikkie]

New research shows that pigeons have problem-solving skills comparable to that of AI systems.

Fair enough.

I suppose if an AI computer was standing in the middle of the road, it wouldn't know to get the fuck out of the way when I beeped my horn three times then drove over it either.




I've got one of those electric cars made by Genesis. Couldn't get it going this morning so phoned the helpdesk. they told me "Turin it on, Turn it on again"




If someone offered me the job of installing pacemakers, I'd do that job in a heartbeat



Weekend Travel Updates.
Friday 27 Oct: Alexandra Palace will be hosting McFly in concert from 18:30 until 22:30.
Increased traffic and large crowds are expected

......... to be fleeing the area.



Italian Newcastle player, Sandro Tonali, has been banned for 10 months from football for his gambling addition.

I bet he's livid.




Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

That black guy busking just looked furious though when I dropped a large trout in his guitar case.


What do you call a Scot with diarrhoea?

BRAVEFART





According to a recent analysis(!) of the 2021 census data, 9.4% of bar staff identify as LGB+.

Feel free to push up a stool at the bar.


Prince Andrew goes to his local Pizza Express.

"Lovely to see you again sir. What do you fancy?"

"Underage girls. Now get me a fucking menu"





I don't much for all these people changing their gender to whatever whenever they like but atleast women's sports is finally getting interesting to watch.





"Catholic priest in Sosnowiec diocese under criminal investigation after throwing a party attended by a male sex worker. A guest at the party collapsed after overdosing on erectile dysfunction pills."

That's someone who won't be rising again or having a second coming.



Don't know why weather presenters say sharp showers.

Not once has rain ever cut me.

[Bikkie]

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google maps.





Bernie Ecclestone's daughter visited a doctor as she's unable to orgasm during sex.

The doctor suggested playing Ronan Keating songs in the background.

It was going well until 'If Tamara Never Comes' came on




The inventor of Morse Code has sadly passed away. Dashes to dashes, dots to dots.





I have piles and piles of ironing to do.

I don't know which is worse.




Lisa: Speak soon darling xxx
Tom: OK won't be long
Lisa: I'll miss you xxx
Tom: I'll miss you too
Lisa: I love you xxx
Tom: I love you too

Darling, could you put x's after your texts? Xxx

OK I love you, Fiona, Laura, Carol, Paula, Gillian, Jane.

Lisa: Fuck you!





To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.




Do witches get thrown out of school for bad spelling?

[Piper]

Last night my wife infuriated
me after I found out she ate
all the fucking candy I meant to
give out this halloween.
I beat the fat blimp so completely
Blue she actually did look like she
had eaten the everlasting blueberry
at the Wonka factory.


Life is unfair
364 days of the year I run the risk
of prison for offering kids sweets.
Yet Halloween the fuckers can't
stop knocking on my door for
some.


This Halloween i've decided to dress
up as the most scariest thing you could
ever imagine.
High Court Enforcement Officers.


Ironically, Halloween would be the
least scary social event this year...


Halloween.
That time of year when mom's on
benefits complain that you haven't
given kids enough sweets.


Just bought myself an extremely scary
costume for a Halloween party I've been
invited to.
I'm going as a Liz Truss.


Went to the shop to get myself a Ninja costume
for this year's Halloween fancy dress party, but
couldn't see any.


The wife said, "We should do something really
scary for the kids this Halloween."
I dropped them at the Mother - in-laws
earlier.


Halloween.
The one day of the year the wife can go
out and blend in.


I went to a vegan Halloween party once,
everyone was dressed as skeletons. Come
to think of it, it wasn't even Halloween!




I'm a skeleton facilitating a Halloween
support group.

The mummy needs to learn to unwind,
The witch flies off the handle constantly ,
The vampire drives everyone batty,
And I've got fucking nobody.


These trick or treaters seem to get older
every year, just had two at the door now
asking for money.
Costumes were good though, they were
dressed as bailiffs.
I gave them a Mars bar each and told them
to fuck off.


Last Halloween, I found a job lot of ghost
outfits at the boot sale. Me and my mates
all went out trick or treating in them by
torchlight.
Funny thing, they only seemed to scare
Black people.
Perhaps they didn't like the pointy hats.


The only women out there
who can drive stick are
Witches.

[Piper]

Questions I would have
asked in Meghan Markles
interview would have been
about how high did she
want to climb the royals
family tree and if Meghan
prounounced Meagain?


Meghan Markle's entire
Personally can be summed
up in the first two letters of
her first name.


When I was in Afghanistan I
once made a split-second decision
that put me out of my misery and also
perhaps get me a VC, so I made the
decision to hurl myself on a live grenade
and save the lives of my platoon.
The Major just laughed and said, "Well
done, Davies... you jut killed that
turtle."


I said to my mate, "It's tragic when the
good guys lose the war"
"Yes" he replied, "The Afghan War was
heartbreaking
" Afghan War? " I said" I was talking about
the American Civil war. "

[Piper]

A kid knocked on my door,
he was dressed in all red
with a string between his
legs.

Kid : Trick or treat!

Me: Halloween's over
Fuck off.

Kid: I'm dressed as a
period. I was late.

Now that was scary.


The relationship between
diesel and petrol vehicles
is quite controversial.
Personally I dont like diesels
there's just no spark.


Once upon a time you
could take your dog for a
peaceful walk in the park
without fear of it being
ravished and impregnated
by a Randy mutt.
K-Tel hopes to bring back
that freedom with their
new canine contraceptive
device.
"The easily fitted device
guarantees" said a
spokesman "that your
bitch will not fail pregnant,
no matter how many
attempts are made to
shag it witless."
The device comes with a
remote control to activate
the inbuilt micro taser.
It really is the dogs ball
locks.
K-Tel are looking into
scaling up the device
to curb the increase in
dogging since the easing
of lockdown.


In bed with my girlfriend,
she whispered that she'd
like my ring on her finger.
Well, that was embarrassing.