What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Seeing Loose Women discussing The Beatles

Is like seeing Gemma Collins talking about Shakespeare



I was surprised by The Beatles new song.

I thought they were just drum & bass these days.




On this day in 1605 Guy Fawkes began his journey to London. It would take him several days because his legs were made of old tights stuffed with newspapers.





My Mrs said I need to get things off my chest, mainly her bra!

[Piper]

It's the 4th of November
and lots of people are
excitedly stashing
explosives in their house
Muslim cunts mostly.

[Piper]

The wife gave me the hint
she wanted something
sparkly for our anniversary
this weekend.
Luckily there were 10
of them in the box of
Fireworks I bought for
tonight.


Note to self : If someone
invites you to a fireworks
party and asks you to
bring bangers and a
rocket, don't turn up with
sausages and peppery
lettuce.


I wish everyone would shut
their fucking dogs up.
So I can hear the fireworks!


The kids wanted a
Fireworks display at the
weekend, so I called
the wife a fat cow.


My neighbour said she dreads
this time of year because her
dogs are scared of fireworks.
"Simple," I told her, "Don't let
them play with any then."


GET that Surlla Braverman
was speaking about
chants of "from the river
to the sea," saying we
should not glorify acts of
terrorism.
And on the same day
that Britain glorifies the
biggest act of terrorism in
It's history.
The Gunpowder plot.


I love paying £60 so my
wife and 2 daughters can
make 3 identical videos
of fireworks on their
phones instead of actually
watching the fucking
things like a normal
person.

[Piper]

The UN has asked Israel
to use electric tanks and
fighter jets so that it's
safer for the environment.


Statement of the week :-
In these times of media-contrived
racial tensions worldwide
don't be a bigot-be like
MARIO!

An Italian plumber
Created by Japs
Speaks basic English
Looks like a Mexican
Jumps like a black guy
Grabs coins like a Jew
And explodes like a
Muslim

The little woke fucker!

[Bikkie]

I joined a carpenter's class last week. Haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.




A common saying in Cork is, "On the ball boy."

I bet Graham Norton's muttered this in Wimbledon.



When someone says, "I hear voices." I say, "That'll be your ears."



Drones.

Because you can't find a girlfriend.





Just had a job advert come through on my inbox for an Enterprise Engineer....

I had no idea Star Fleet was hiring!




I once knew a lady that knew how to fight, she was born in the UK, then she moved to Israel, after a while she converted to Islam, her name was Jew-Jit-Sue.



Why do women go through the menopause?

So they've still got something to fucking whinge about after they run out of periods.




The Whitehouse have announce that Joe Biden will be in the 3 states today...

Unconcious, Semi-Concious, and Confused.




You'll never forget your wedding day.

The photographs may fade but the negatives last a lifetime.




My black friend is unfortunately unable to access his Facebook account

He's forgotten his wogin details





The lady in my local furniture store is having me done for sexual harassment.

All I did was ask about one nightstand.





Seeing Loose Women discussing the Beatles......... is like seeing Susan Boyle discussing what it's like to have a shag.





Model aircraft and railways.

Because you hate your wife.





An old lady approached me in the street and asked for sex. She said 'Pop it in'.
So I did. I'm in court next week charged with rape. What she actually said was 'Poppy Tin'




Seeing Loose Women discussing The Beatles

Is like seeing Prince Andrew work for Barnados




The first time I heard an Asian man say Mahjong, I thought he was talking about his todger.




What do you call a necrophilia gangbang?


Cracking open a cold one with the boys!

[Bikkie]

Grocery Stores Installing Defibrillators For When You See Your Total





New Game 'Call Of Duty: Rittenhouse' Lets You Defend Your Home From A Horde Of Bloodthirsty Communists




My old Chemistry teacher was adamant that an acid plus a base always gives a salt plus water.

So when I played Call of Duty and I took a base, I took some acid and then all of my household appliances started growing spider legs.

Your move, Mr. Worley.




My wife suddenly said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the band UB40.
I was so shocked, I almost dropped my glass of red wine!





Earlier, I dressed in a shiny tracksuit, a grey wig, smoked a Cuban cigar & stuck my hand up the mother-in-law's skirt whilst making grunting noises.

I misheard what the wife actually said....

"Please be CIVIL to my mum."




I identify as a ninja and my pronouns are ha/hi.





Was taking the wife on holiday and as usual late for our flight.

She was moaning dragging her heavy case through the airport, I said should have packed the fridge, she goes how can you think about food when we're going to missed our flight!?

I said I wasn't thinking about food, our tickets are on it!





The Guardian today tells us 'that the new Dr. Who episodes will be violent and scary'.

Nothing to do with the script.

The new nigger doctor just started stabbing everyone.



Eurosport presenter Orla Chennaoui cycles without a helmet, but she claims it's SAFER not to wear one because it makes drivers more careful.

That is precisely why I refuse to wear a condom.



So the Daily Mail bugs Prince Harry.

Who cares?

Prince Harry bugs everyone.




What's the best bit about being served by a German barmaid?


Erdinger?


Nah that's in Thailand




When night approaches with the Universe shining bright, and a child looks upwards and asks, "How do stars die?" Be honest with them and gently say, "Typically it's drugs, drugs are why many stars die."




If you forget the rules of chess, don't worry.

Your allowed to check.




Do compostable condoms make good or bad fertilisers?




You realise when you've started serving your life sentence of a marriage, when you discover there is a wrong place to return the remotes back to the coffee table.



Repair Shop: "What have you brought for us today?"

Me: "Well, it's an item I've had in my house for many years. It's looking rather worn and falling to bits now, and I'm hoping that you can use your renowned skills to return it to its former glory"

Repair Shop: "Excellent. Let's see the item then"

Me: "No problem. May I introduce, the wife"





I don't know why I bought some chicken drumsticks today.

I bet it can't even fucking play the drums.




I have 'Wendy' tattooed on my penis.

When I'm happy, it says, 'Welcome to California and have a very nice day'.

The wife's name's Jenny.

Good job she never reads the small print.




Barbra Streisand's husband James Brolin went without sex for THREE YEARS before they tied the knot.

Tend to agree. I would've only been able to face her doing anal.



Researchers have found a miracle cure for gender dysphoria: It's called deleting TikTok

[Piper]

Just can’t please some
people.......
I sincerely complimented
someone on their
excellent Movember, and
suddenly she's not your
friend anymore.....


Most people are saying if
you give the unemployed
a 300 quid cost of living
payment they'll just spend
it on drinks and drugs.
Too fucking right.


When Meghan Markle saw
an advert for washing up
liquid saying, "women all
over America are fighting
greasy pots and pans,"
She was so outraged by
the sexist, demoralising
content it prompted her
to write to the advertising
company, complaining
that it's not just a
women's job and that all
her servants had equal
opportunities.


... Harry went into his
relationship with Meghan
with his flies wide open.


Had a preview come up
on one of the streaming
services to watch a film
called Hell House.
It didn't seem that
frightening to me,
probably because I've
already been living in Hell
House with my wife since
1986.


Now that the travel
restrictions are not as
severe, my neighbour
Mohammed's travel
agency is doing really well.
He specialises in pilgrimage
tours to the Muslim holy places.
Apparently he's making
mecca bucks.


"There you are, where the
hell have you been?! Let
me see your back." They're
were scratches all over, I
began to teas up, "are you
serious? What have you
been doing?!" To no avail
there was no reply.
I put it into the DVD player
and it just crashed. I cried
my eyes out, that was my
favourite porn.


There's a lot in the media
about general online
racism and how to stamp
out abuse, especially in
sport.
The only way this will ever
work is blacks, Muslims,
Pakistanis, Indians, Jews,
Wops, Aborigines, Maori's,
Chinese Japanese, Irish
and scourers stop having
sex.

[Bikkie]

.



Bought my wife an archeology kit for her birthday but she didn't like it.

Strange as she always likes to dig up things from the past!




Suella Braverman replaced by David Cameron.

To be fair, he only screwed one pig.





The rooster teaches us it's perfectly acceptable to start the day with a few screams.




Your mother has been with us for 20 years, I said to my husband.
Isn't it time she got a place of her own?

My mother? He replied . I thought she was your mother.





In other news ... today the UK government discovered that, if you want a job done right... hire a man.




I identify as non-binary; my pronouns are off / on.




Manchester band "The Smiths" reportedly took their name from a W. H. Smiths in the town. Their musical style however, was taken from the shop next door. Although that branch of "Wimpy" has now closed.



I Don't Know What The Big Deal Is About Black Friday ?

All Fridays Matter !





I just read that breast implants in the UK are around 3000 pounds.

Holy hell. How do they walk with tits that heavy?



What's better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out




If you know of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone this year because they have no family or close friends, can you please let me know so I can contact them.
I need to borrow some chairs

[Bikkie]

I'm half Irish and half Jewish.

I'm drinking if you're buying.





Apparently, Guy Fawkes is Albanian



As we approach the holidays I prepare myself for those that will be jumping on the Bi-Polar Express.



Adele finally confirms she's married to Rich Paul as she makes the announcement at Alan Carr's show.

Adding, she'll most likely be alone for Christmas.




Dyslexia is hereditary, it's in your NDA




If cumming inside someone is called a Cream Pie

Does that mean when gays do it it's a Mince Pie?




I tired to buy a bagel with cream cheese. The woman in the sandwich shop said it was cash or card only.






My mate told me our local Sainsbury's has a special Polish section.
When I got there the shelves were full of jars of pickles and packets of dried meat and shit, all covered with foreign writing.

All I wanted was a fucking can of Mr Sheen.




Thousands Lined Up For Black Friday As Grocery Stores Offered Prices From When Trump Was President



Folks are saying Bros flopped because it was a gay movie but Dahmer was also a gay movie & it's a hit!




Extermination camp....Elon Musk could have changed Twitter to "X"..."Termination" or "camp"..
He chose "X".... might as well have gone with " termination"....




My Dad always said it was rude to point.

Great man,
rubbish bricklayer.




I'll never forget many years ago selling Noel Gallacher a guitar. He said to me "Whats the knob at the front for ?". I said"Thats Liam he's the lead singer"




FROG CONDOM MARKETING MEETING

FROG 1 - Sales are down, how can we make the condoms more enjoyable for our customers?
FROG 2 - Rib it
FROG 1 - Andrew, you're a Goddamn genius




Admitting you're wrong and apologising takes strength and character

Which is why women never fucking do it





Never underestimate the ability of a woman's sixth sense?

they can actually hear your semi when watching babestation on the sly.






ATMs have messages telling you to 'cover your pin' while charging $4 withdrawal fees.

Fuck off. You're the thieving cunts.




Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. " What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking
love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, something or other..."




Jane met Tarzan n the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex ! was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan




Me and the wife have sex almost every day of the week.



Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
...



Black Friday's coming up

The BBC have just done a remake of Robinson Crusoe





What's another way to say you came inside a woman...

Loading the washing machine





We got our dogs some glow in the dark dog treats.

You should see their little faeces light up.



I'm always winning on the lottery.

Winning fuck all.




Due to freezing conditions in the UK the British Naturist Society has seen the size of its male
members shrink dramatically.


I identify as a male dyslexic and my pronouns are hee/himm.

[Bikkie]

Just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will.
I hope it's not a wind up .




Get into the mood for your next Ryan Air flight by sitting in a tumble dryer wearing a straight jacket with both feet tied behind your back while eating a rustler burger




We don't need no decorations
We don't need no Christmas trees
No holly wreaths along the fireplace
People leave those trees alone

Hey people leave those trees alone!
All in all you need no tree in the hall
All in all you need no tree in the hall.

We don't need no Christmas pudding
We don't need mince pies and cream
No Wham or Slade when you're out shopping.
People, leave those trees alone.

Hey people, leave those trees alone!
All in all you need no tree in the hall.
All in all you need no tree in the hall.

Guitar solo.

Random stuff about eating your meat or you can't have any Christmas pudding.





My wife is fed up of my wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "What can I do to stop?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.




Heidi Range.

Her pop music may be shit but her yodelling repertoire is quite astonishing.


A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. He orders two pints and trows ten thousand Franks on the bar and says ?Keep the rest!? The owner is a bit suspicious but concludes the bill is the real deal. fife minutes later, the same deal, again ordering two pints for ten thousand Franks, keep the rest!.

This continues for a while, the barkeeper can't help but question how the man can always pay with a 10k bill and ?why the ostrich?? he asks, ?Well? the man says ?I was riding through the forest and in the middle of the road there was a massive mushroom, so I stopped to look, apparently three gnomes were moving, they were so thankful that I stopped I got three wishes?. The barkeeper asks ,What did you ask?. The men replies Firstly every night an other woman in my bed,Secondly a 10k bill in my pocket every time I reach inside.

Impatiently the ward asks ,And the third one?? ?Yeah.... they got that one a bit wrong......I asked for an ostrich.






Fans of Daniel Defoe's classic Robinson Crusoe are reported to be ecstatic, now that Black Friday is nearly upon us.

[Bikkie]

What's a Black Friday Sale?

It's when you get to buy everything at the price it was before a jacinda was in power!!
CAPITLISM Gods way of determining who is smart and who is poor.





As it's Black Friday,I'm away out shoplifting.





Which are the best-selling items on Black Friday?
White goods





"As I woke up today my wallet was missing and I knew immediately it was Black Friday"
-from the diary of Robinson Crusoe.





Sorry I haven't been around for a while.
I've just spent the last four days looking on the internet to find the date for White Friday

[Bikkie]

Dublin tonight. It's always a fine line between burning the place down, or singing "Don't look back in anger", isn't it.



Russell Brand to host a new reality show on ITV:

I'm a Celebrity, get me in to her.




I had to quit my job at the watch factory.


The guy sitting opposite me kept making faces.



Guys.

If you see a black girl looking hot on the club dance floor, stay away.

The drink and drugs will wear off in the morning but she'll still be black.



While a cooking show was on TV, I happened to tell the wife I hadn't had a decent lardon for ages.

She rustled me up a surprise bacon dish the next day.

Fucking dyslexia.



Diane Abbott was due to be on I'm A Celebrity but she decided not to sign up.

She felt doing trials to win 10,000 stars for camp meals every day wasn't fair.




Sharks only attack people when they're wet.

There's no fucking chance of them going for my wife then.



What do gays do on Thanksgiving?

Pokeahotass.



Machine Gun Kelly says he is going to change his name.

Presumably to something more appropriate, like Vagina!



Meghan Markle pays a visit to a feminist climate change group in Vancouver to have a heartfelt conversation.

While her private jet re-fuels.





Spurs are facing serious allegations of breaching transfer rules during Jermain Defoe's move to Portsmouth in 2008.

Ita shame to see The Times newspaper employing Facebook fact checkers.

[Bikkie]

To me, the art of acting is portraying something that you are not. I've just tried watching the latest Dr Who episode, where a bloke 'of colour' thinking he is a bird (trans) is cast as a bloke 'of colour' portraying a bird, and they(!) were concerned that an alien was being misgendered.

It says something when the alien on Doctor Who is more normal that the inhabitants of the Earth.




If Pistorious fucks his bale condition up he won't have a fucking leg to stand on




Back in the 90s, I used to go to gigs by tribute band The Australian Pink Floyd. Tickets were a tenner a piece back then, and they were quite an authentic act.

They must have got even more authentic over the years, judging by their ticket prices now you'd think they were the real thing.



I just saw the Disney remake of Snow White, where the Seven Dwarves are black pimps.

'High ho, high ho, it's off to work you go...'




I just sent Oscar Pistorius an Advent calendar, with a note saying "Don't shoot the doors open."





Did you know that The Muppet Shows Miss Piggy is good at counting but has never ever managed to count to 70 as every time she gets to 69 she gets a Frog in her throat .




They say having sex is like riding a bike.

Well, I always keep my bike pump and puncture repair kit handy.

[Bikkie]

Met a chick who said she liked bad boys so I stole her purse and fucked her sister.





Names ending in son and their origins:

Grayson - the son of the bailiff
Carson - son of the marsh dwellers
Tyson- firebrand
Branson - son of the raven
Jason - to heal
Ericson - son of the eternal ruler
Garson - to protect
Smithson - son of a smith

Thank fuck I'm not a Dickinson.




Why are blacks run over more in the winter than the summer?

They're easier to spot.



Why are blondes buried in triangular coffins?

Because when the head hits the pillow, the legs know what to do.




If you cross a Penis with a Potato you get a 'Dictator'

[Bikkie]

According to the WHO, Climate Change has an effect on Gender Change

I think this is actually legit, based on what being up on that frigid Brokeback Mountain for so long did to those two cowpokes.


I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse.

She said, "Why on earth would you think I'd let you do that?"

I said, "Well, you take everything else the wrong way."




What's the largest ant in the world?

An elephant.




When people say "she's alright once you get to know her"
It actually means
"She's a c*nt, but you'll get used to it"




Why was there such a high casualty rate of blacks in Vietnam?
Because everytime anyone yelled, 'Get down!' they all stood up and started dancing.



When people say "he's alright once you get to know him"
It actually means
"he's a cunt, but you'll get used to it"