What's your sickest joke?

[R650R]

Golriz Grab a bargain has announced her resignation. She will take some time to get her life in order and make a fresh start. When she is well again she plans to return to politics and steal an election.

[Bikkie]

"King Charles unlikely to ?support LGBTQ+ community?, activist warns: ?He?s never been our ally?"

Of course he won't. He's a King, not a Queen.



You should never piss off a midget.

They have really short tempers.




Only the BBC could do this......Replace Tommy Walsh,a heterosexual builder and English, with a prick nancy boy called Owain Wyn Evens a Welsh shitshoveler and so called 'weathetperson'....God give us fucking strength!



My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two, in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.




Six-legged dog species discovered.

In other news, Chinese recipe books are edited to show dog stew now has an extra two portions.




For research purposes, I'm watching the women's 'football' match between Man City and Liverpool.

Because all my paint has dried.





Musician Sheku Kanneh-Mason has said Rule, Britannia! "makes people feel uncomfortable" and should not be sung at the Last Night of the Proms.

Well if it's just a question of what makes people uncomfortable I reckon we should replace it with "Send the Buggers Back".




Good thing those ninja turtles wear masks, otherwise they could be easily identified



A six-legged dog abandoned outside a B&M store gets more offers for adoption than a newborn baby girl found in a shopping bag on a London street.

Far more Instagramable.




The wife started calling me, 'her Cornetto'

I said, "Is it because I'm delicious, crisp like a baked wafer cone, made of many layers, smooth like vanilla, tasty and nuts like Italians?"

She replied, "No. You always have a little horn, you come in soft and I wish you were in the freezer."



Irish proverb:

A kangaroo without legs knows no bounds.

[Piper]

Disney have denied that their next star wars film, a
tale about slavery within
the galactic empire has rasciist undertones and
hope that the new film will
rekindle the franchise.
The Empire Strikes Blacks will be relased later
this year.


I must say, I'm not a big
fan of French goalkeeper
Alphonse Areola.
He sounds like a bit of a
tit.


Guitarist Johnny Marr has
hit out at Donald Trump
for playing The Smiths
songs at his rallies.
He added,'He's welcome
to play Bigmouth Strikes
Again, though.'


I can't wait for
conscription to come
back to see all the
transgender men who
wanna switch back.


I sat next to a man on a
bus in China and said, "Do
you know between us we
have five bollocks?"
He replied, "Solly I move
my runch."


I've just beaten Lewis
Hamilton in a Formula 1
car.
Around the head, with a
tyre iron.


This one summer I worked
as a jack man on this
racing circuit, our team
owner called us together
to try and motivate us to
improve like a scene from
the film" Ford vs. Ferrari. "
" Do you know why we
ALWAYS lose? " he asked.
" Because our driver is a
woman. "


The weather channel is a
conspiracy.
To keep Ice cream vans in
business...


As an Ice cream van driver
I love this hot weather.
Mainly what I love is
seeing all the women in
skimpy clothes - there is
so much cleavage and
down-blouses and side-boobs
to see.
Anyway I should probably
take the van out and shut
the laptop down. There
must be a fortune to be
made out there today.


This summer I've
participated in some" Eco-friendly
water sports. "
I paid an escort that had
purple hair $200 to piss
into my mouth.

[Bikkie]

A contestant on Pointless today was given 100 points and told their answer was wrong after they said "Kate Beckinsdale" instead of "Kate Beckinsale".

I thought that was harsh for what must be a very common mistake.

Surely we would all put the D in Kate Beckinsale?





For a dare, I fucked a feminist.

I hated the sweater.

And her jumper.


Quentin has just applied for a job as harbour master.

Someone told him that there are lots of buoys in the estuary.

Oooooooh

[Piper]

Actual news headline from Ireland
"Bones found in bag could be 2,000-
year old boy"
Paddy : "oi. so. fuckin. stupid. To be
sure. Everybody knows if he's 2,000
years old he be a grown man."

[Piper]

Magnum PI only solved
3.14 crimes

( It's Tom Selleck's birthday today )

[Bikkie]

B.M.W drivers- Why not compensate for never using your indicators by leaving your front fog lamps on permanently??



Superman always had good feet.

Because he wore clark's shoes.


Which type of pastry do homosexuals love?

Puff.



Harry and Meghan release video of Duchess telling families of children who have been victims of cyber bullying that we all just want to feel safe.

There isn't a sickbag big enough.



I asked a woman today what her favorite type of man was. She said Doctors, Dentists and Coal Men. How does that work I asked. Well the Doctor asks me to take my clothes off, the Dentist asks me to open my mouth and the Coal Man asks me if I want it in the front or the back...




I've decided to identify as a Tellytubby


My pronouns are eh/oh




The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was meant to be a comedy, until the director yelled "CUT!!" at the end of filming the first scene.





If Tena Lady and Tena Men are supposed to be discreet, why do they come in packs the size of a fucking Hay bale?!.



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, whats your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! now fuck off you cunt!"


After last night's Labour party meeting, we had a game of poker & at the end I yelled with delight - "I've got a straight flush!"

I was asked to leave & never return again after having my membership card torn up in my face which was then spat on

Apparently there, you have to call it a "transgender, intersex, or agendered/genderqueer, cisgender, binary/non-binary, bi-sexual, homoflexible, pansexual flush"



My mate once asked me what the dangerous thing I've ever done was...
"Stacey Solomon once gave me a blowjob" I replied
"That's not exactly dangerous" He laughed
"It was,she had fucking hiccups!" I said




Just a thought...

if I go down on a lesbian, does that give me enough omega 3?



At the end of the meal, along with my credit card to pay the bill, I handed over the deeds to the local council's waste disposal and recycling centre.


I always like to leave the waiter a tip.





Never ask
A woman her age
A man his salary
A member of the UN what they were doing on the 7th of October.




The wife asked me if I wanted a gold pocket watch for my birthday.

Stupid cow.

I don't have a gold pocket.



Second rule of the Alzheimers Club

Forget the first one



Ever wondered why Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 were released before episodes 1, 2 and 3?

Because Head of Planning, Yoda was.

I?ll get my tie fighter?




Remember when you were little and you fell on the trampoline and everyone would keep jumping so you couldn't get back up?

That's how adult life feels.





I walked into the barbers and said, "How much for a crew cut?"

The bloke said, "Seven quid."

I said, "Sweet, come in lads!"

[Piper]

I'm sick of David Attenborough
whining about species going
extinct because of climate
change, without stating the
obvious.
We need to eat them whilst
we can.

[Bikkie]

After seeing King Charles, Harry was desperate to see Kate and Wills.

The former told him to piss off and the latter said "I King Charles, of sound body and mind leave fuck all to that ginger twat and his gold-digger wife"


ive heard of an actress called Daphne zuniga. in the new scooby doo series Velma, Velma Zuniga



It's a young teacher's 1st day at a school in Johannesburg and she decides to do a quiz to see where her students are up to:

"Okay class, can anyone tell me what the capital of Peru is"?

"Yes miss" replies one student, "It's Lima".

"Very good", she says. "Now, can anyone tell me what onomatopoeia is"?

"Yes miss" replies another, "It's a word that describes a sound like, woof or moo, or splash".

"Excellent", she says. "Now, can anyone here tell me what symmetry is"?

The kids look puzzled until one puts his hand up and shouts, "Miss, Miss! I can, I can! It's where they bury dead people"!





Porn star Emily Willis 'in critical condition' following suspected overdose.

Maybe she shouldn't have swallowed the lot after all.



Leonardo DiCaprio famously won't date anyone over the age of twenty-five

For the life of me, I just can't understand why saggy-titted past-it bitter women have a problem with that



My dyslexic friend took a solo yacht trip, but promised to keep in touch.

A few days later he sent an update in morse code , . . . _ _ _ . . . _ _ _

S0 SO . I thought. Could be better , but at least he's okay.



My new girlfriend has a split personality and has identity issues.

Her name is Jacqueline Hyde




Rumours that Michelle Keegan will be the next Bond girl brings back memories of the Boddingtons adverts with Melanie Sykes

"Hey'up duck, Y'alright Juhmes, dya want it shekun or sturrud luv'

[Piper]

I don't know what they're
teaching kids our schools
nowadays. When I asked my
daughter who made the "I
Have A Dream Speech" she
said ABBA.


I refer to testicles as
'Wonkas' because they're
in between a Willy and a
Chocolate Factory.


Just came back from willy
wonkas factory.
Guess what the fireguard
was made out of...


There are so many pot
holes where I live that the
songs on the radio jump
whenever I hit one.


I'm confused. Why is the
cost of funerals rising due
to the cost of living.


Paddy said "I went to see
Doctor Smith yesterday
and he gave me a referral
to another doctor"
Mick replied "So whats the
other doctors name"
Paddy "I didn't hear him
well but I think it was Colin
Ostamy. I didn't know what
he is going to do!"


In the Marvels, we hear - Use
your black magic girl.
If the girl was white, would
it be fair to say - Use your
white power girl?


My mouth waters when I
smell steak...
I wonder if the same thing
happens to vegans
When they mow the grass.


Travis Kelce has laid
on more balls this season
than Taylor Swift


It's uncanny how some of
these old sayings are true.
Absence makes the heart
grow fonder said my wife
as she waved me goodbye
on the visit to her mother.
Since then I have grown
quite fond of my next door
neighbour.
I actually gave her one
on my kitchen floor this
morning.

[Bikkie]

My wife just called me to say that she was running late and if I was hungry I'd have to cook myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm fucking starving, but self cannibalism seems a bit extreme.



Watching ghostbusters the wife says our new neighbours are black, they should make a film called wogbusters where they go around getting rid of spooks



Do you know what I love about the MOBO awards?

Its the one night of the year that my car isn't getting broken into.




Failure to track every single movement of Abdul Ezedi means two things:

1. He is being looked after by his community after carrying out a honour attack.
2. The fuckers car is ULEZ compliant.



"Kevin O'Sullivan Rants After Protesters Jailed For Wearing 'Menacing' Face Masks"

Ironic, isn't it? Four years ago they'd have been jailed for not wearing them.



A poetic valentine verse to those in Bradford
ROSES ARE RED
VIOLETS ARE BLUE
MY WIFE'S ELEVEN
IM FIFTY TWO



the number of Womens football teams have doubled in recent years,
I never new there were so many lesbians in the country.



Valentines Card :
"I'm training to be an astronaut and my first mission is to explore Uranus"



"I've got some good news and I've got some bad news," I told my wife.

"Haha, I thought you said 'Jews' just then," she laughed.

"That's ridiculous," I said. "Why would there be good Jews?"




It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "down tools"


You have to say, "Harvey - go get the Black & Decker..."




The MOBO awards have just been held.

For those not in the know, MOBO stands for Music Of Black Origin.

What, other people's car stereos?



"Irish unification referendum by 2030, says Sinn Fein leader"

That's the good news. The bad news is it will be renamed Nigeria.

[Piper]

Valentine story: Short version.
We met, we shagged, we
got married, we got fat, we
ate happily ever after.


For Valentine's Day I bought
some slutty latex lingerie and
big sex toys for my girlfriend.
By which I mean after ego,
Yvonne.


Valentine's Day is the day
that the "V" and "D" come
together...


A Valentine’s Day thought :

If the plural of mouse is mice,

Is having more than one spouse,
Spice?


My 12 year old son got
home from school and he
was very upset, "I got a
Valentine's Day card today
dad," he told me.
"Well that's nothing to be
upset about, I would be
chuffed if it were me," I replied.
"It was off Father O'Malley,"
he replied.


The wife hinted I was getting
a new VW for valentines
Day.
Turned out it was just a
wank.


My girlfriend refused to
suck my cock.
I said "Come on love,
today's the Feast of St
Valentine.!"


My girlfriend got me some
socks with hearts on for
Valentine's Day.
She got mad when I said
they were perfect for
wanking into when she's
not in the mood.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don't confuse KY
For Gorilla Glue.


Happy ALENTINES
AY
for those that won't be
getting the V and D on
February 14th.

[Bikkie]

According to a new poll, a majority of women want their men to propose on Valentine's Day.

The same poll revealed men would rather propose on April Fool's Day...



LGBTQ+ HIStory month.

Shouldn't that be LGBTQ+ They/Them/story month ?








Wildlife and Countryside Link, a group of 82 voluntary organisations which includes the National Trust, the RSPCA and the World Wildlife Fund, was invited to address a group of MPs on the subject of 'racism and its influence on the natural world'.

Its report concluded the countryside is a 'white space' and there are 'structural, experiential, and cultural' barriers preventing rural Britain being accessible to minority ethnic groups.

The simple solution to getting black people in the countryside is more trees.




Saw a billboard outside my local theatre earlier

It read:

LENNY HENRY THIS SATURDAY

So I climbed up & fixed it for them:

LENNY HENRY IS ATURD




So sitting bull is giving names out to the braves graduating to man hood and calls the first one white owl...just as he's speaking a little brave down the line interrupts him ..."me me what's my name whats my name".. wait your turn says sitting bull and continues with why he's called white owl white owl .. as expected the litle brave interrupts again and keeps interrupting through out the whole naming ceremony..eventually after many hours of naming and interruptions he comes to the little brave and decides his name will be "Thrush" ..because you're an irritating little cunt.






Sticks and stones may break my bones

But you will always find something to upset a feminist









In the back of your eye, you have two types of receptors.

The first type only give you monochrome images but work well in low light conditions and they are called rods.

The other type of receptor allows you to see colours and those are called coons.




Jada smith scares off two burglars, hollywood are making a film about it.

Its called Dome Alone.




To deter potential suicides, the Japanese have installed mirrors along the tracks in all of Tokyo's train stations. They believe seeing your own reflection will discourage people from jumping in front of a train.

How the fuck will they know it's their own reflection?




As a banker, my favourite sex position is . .

Reverse mortgage.

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump is fined $364 MILLION in civil fraud trial for overstating his net worth.

No problem. He has a set of golf clubs worth that much - he can sell.





Constitutional qualifications to become US President

35 years of age.
Natural-born citizen of USA
14 years residency in the country
Last name is not Trump




Beyonce. If you ever come to Texas, I'll fucking hold 'em.




I asked my dyslexic Jewish pal if he was a Zionist

"No never" - he said - "I can't play any musical instrument"


What's the definition of a black hole?

A nigger's arse.





They say if you give a million monkeys a typewriter each, with infinite time they?ll write the complete works of Shakespeare.

However, they only need half an hour to write an episode of Emmerdale.



Valentines Card :
"I’m training to be an astronaut and my first mission is to explore Uranus"

[Bikkie]

Me: There's no lamb
Chef: Then grill the chicken

Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you fucking son of a bitch




I was first introduced to a Japanese prostitute when she gave me a full body oily massage.

Ever since then, I've been on a slippery slope.



If you go to a pub wearing a tennis outfit... you'll get served straight away


Biden responds to critics: "I can't remember a single time when my memory has failed me!"



A Chinese-speaking cybercrime group are targeting iOS users with malware that steals face scans from the users of Apple devices to break into and pilfer money from bank accounts ? thought to be a world first.

Easy to do in China - got one, got them all!