What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

Why is sexual activity
with Muslim women like
a drawing of the prophet
Muhammad?
It's always better to rub
one out


"I worn you",I said to the
prosititute,"I like sex to be
rough."
"Don't worry," she sighed,
"I'm prepared anything
You've got."
"Great," I replied,as I
slipped on my sandpaper
condom.


If you ask me solar power
is the way forward.But it
won't happen overnight.


What do you say to a
Chinese Nazi choir?
"Sing Higher!"


"I am" is reportedly the
shortest sentence in the
English language.
And "I do" is the longest
sentence.



I've just seen Enter The
Dragon for the first time.
That Dane Bowers
deserves a fucking medal.


I always pay for things
using tactless.
Do you mean contactless?
No I pay cash and tell
them they're ugly.


"Apparently,Any Murray had to pull out
of his doubles date with Emma due to
'stiffness in his right wrist '.Never mind Andy,
we've all been there."


"Emma Raducanu withdrew from the
Wimbledon doubles match because of
'stiffness in her right wrist '.I am
devastated;I have been watching her
closely on TV.Amazing coincidence about
the wrist though."


"After withdrawing from the mixed doubles,
we will never know if Och Aye the Noo
Raducanu would have made it as a tennis
chant "


"Emma Raducanu has reached the last 16.
The semis are a definite possibility."


"Joke Biden under fire for completely
ignoring a black lady he was supposed to
greet in the front row of a rally in Wisconsin.
He made it worse after apologising
and said,"sorry,all I saw were eyes
and teeth!!"


"Was accused of being racist the other day.
said, I'm not racist, racism is a crime and
crime is what black people do."


"The women's trophy for winning Wimbledon
is essentially just a plate, just to remind
them what they should be doing instead of
playing tennis."


"Whoppi Goldberg said in the USA she'll
"still support Biden even if he takes a shit in
history pants "
What does she mean "If" ?"

[Kb2020dope]

I've got something that's 9 inches long and let's me get any woman I want


.....MY KNIFE!

[Piper]

"Just heard a TV commentator say about
Southgate,"He's got a winnit" surely that's
a very personal thing to tell all and sundry
and how the fuck does he know anyway?"


"Dyson just let go 1,000 workers,Fuck! That
must suck."


The waiter was taking our plates away
when he noticed the two uneaten slices of
Pizza.
"Do you wanna box for those?"
"Yeah,C'mon then you cunt, outside now "


"Novak Djokovic warns disrespectful
Wimbledon crowd for booing him
Nothing personal,Novak.It's just you're
a cunt "


At the marriage of my daughter to her
useless black boyfriend,she was upset
because all I presented her with as a
wedding gift was a Stephen king book.
Especially as the title was,"You Like It
Darker "

[Piper]

I've got something that's 9 inches long and let's me get any woman I want


.....MY KNIFE!

I just use my cock

[Dean]

I just use my cock

What about the other 6 inches??

[Bikkie]

I told my wife that it's hard for me to get used to these changing times.

I can recall a time when the air was clean and sex was dirty...



If I won the lottery I'd make sure no one around me would be poor.

I'd move to a wealthy area.



Putting.

Jamaican for golf club.




"What was the score in the Euros semi-final between England and Holland, Harry?"

"We won 2-1."

"So, it wasn't a bridge too far?"

"No Meghan."




TOP TIP: Foreign leaders & diplomats. Bring unity and togetherness in an instant to the Middle East by each turning up with a packet of bacon




I Met this girl in a club last night.
I said "Do you like cocktails?".
She said "I don't know, tell me one"




BBC website headline "Man caught smuggling 100 snakes in his trousers".

You can tell it must be in China, where the trouser snakes are particularly small.




Samsung have launched the world's first smart ting.

My girlfriend''s ring smarts everytime I screw her in the ass,




Peter Shilton: I'm disappointed that a family club like my old club Leicester have bookmakers for sponsors.

Remember when football was a real man's game and players like Peter Shilton were caught over the limit fucking someone else's wife in the back of a car, trying to put them in the 'family club'?.



As usual, England only likes niggers when they help the team win.




-Sex and Shit-Women-View Post
I told my wife,

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."




How does a black person give up smoking?


They use Niggatine patches





The last time I saw three Bushey women, I had organic dental floss for a month.



"What's the most spiteful mean thing you ever said to anybody to cause them as much pain and suffering you could?" I asked my wife.


"I do, " She replied.




Biden challenged Trump to the debate they had, with a video saying, "Go ahead Donald, make my day !"

Unfortunately for Biden he didn't come out as Dirty Harry, but as Dirty Diaper."




Philip Schofield's taking me out for a burger!

Five Guys?

No just me




I was wondering how all these poor different-gender fuckers shave.

Razors are only made for men or women.




'You can't take it with you when you go.'

Fucking Customs officers spoil all my fun.




FOMO in the Fear Of Missing Out.

I identify as FOMOsexual.




This child asked what year I was born and I said 1968.

She said that's not a real year, years start with 20.



The doctor asked me “Do you experience any signs of paranoia?”

I said “No. Why? Who told you to ask that??”




Biden and Kamelface Harris held a rally to try and show how much smarter liberals are than Trump supporters. They called a lady up on stage and to try and prove this asked her "What's 9 x 7," and laughed that Trump supporters wouldn't get the answer right.

She replied 97... Harris replied, "Uh, ok, let her try again with something easier.... What'ts 14 +14 ?"

The lady replied 1414.

"Uh ok," said Harris, "One more try... .what's 2 + 2 ?"

"4", the lady replied, as the crowd shouted, "Come on, let her try again !"




Prince Andrew to become patron of the Westminster Youth String Ensemble.

Or the Soho Kiddy Fiddlers, as they're more commonly known.

[Piper]

What about the other 6 inches??

Yeah,that's when it's fully erect

[Piper]

"Trump almost shot dead today.That
Baldwin didn't take long to get back into it."


"Multiple gun shots at Trump rally.
That was less shots on target than Harry
Kane."


"When you order Lee Harvey Oswald from
Temu."


I have nothing but contempt for the
would-be assassin who shot Donald
Trump.
How useless do you have to be to miss that
fat cunt?"


"My word those lefty lunatics are so bent
They can't even shoot straight."


Donald DUCK!"


"Everybody will remember what they were
doing the exact moment they heard Donald
Trump was shot.
Masturbating."


Donald Trump is stable after being shot by a
Dana2.2...judging by his hair red is the new
orange...Joe Biden has sent his condolences
to Barack Obama and her family.


I don't think Trump shitting himself can be
classed as an injury.


I see that they finally got shot of Trump.


Obviously it wasn't Alec Baldwin at that rally
We all know Baldwin doesn't miss


"I told you those shots were ineffective."
Donald Trump 2024.


Candidate Trump shot and grazed onstage at a
rally.Biden and the White House to be briefed
on the incident.
"No need,we already knew..."


Alec Baldwin quote.
"Now I'm free I might go to a Trump rally... it's
worth a shot.


Donald Trump drops to the ground after being
shot in the ear at political rally.
He was trying to grab a small child to use as a
shield.


Trump has been hit on the ear by a bullet.
Missing his brain by about 3 feet


Just heard from Biden
Putins been shot.

[Bikkie]

Donald Trump had more shots at him than the Spanish goalkeeper




Plot for Columbia:

Main character is an ex-president who needs a stunt to get reelected.

So he gets a sniper to shoot him in the ear. To avoid him pinning it on the ex-president, the secret service are instructed to kill the shooter before he can talk.

But the plot goes wrong when a member of the public tells the police about the shooter.

Motive: the ex-president to get reelexted to pardon himself from all crimes.

Will the plot work - or is it just a joke?




Joe Biden press-conference latest:


"I'm so sorry Judd Trump was shot. And I hope he's back up and on the bowling green real soon"




Who is Trumps favourite Disney character?


Donald. Duck.



I'm not surprised Donald Trump survived that assassination attempt. That guy should have listened to me when I told him to use kryptonite bullets.



A nurse who told Donald Trump to “keep up the good work” of his recovery:

Trump replied: “You mean this may happen several more times?”



My wife makes me feel like a President.

I get it in the ear every fucking night.



Anyone for a game of Top Trump?



On the topic of trump almost being assassinated

Nobody has been this disappointed by 2 inches since stormy




Donald the Red-Eared President
Had a very bloody ear...




I'm shocked someone shot at Trump and wounded him.

Americans usually have better aim than that



Former President Trump plans to wear short sleeved shirts and no jacket at future rallies to demonstrate that, despite the assassination attempt, he remains committed to the right to bare arms.




I heard Trump put Heinz tomato ketchup on his ear when he dropped after being shot.

Biden would've used Branston Pickle.




Trump has arranged a hasty appointment with his plastic surgeon.

"I'm all ears" said the doc



Make America Graze Again




Addressing the attempted assassination of Donald Trump, Joe Biden stated in a press conference today, "There's no place in America for this".

Obviously the senile old goat hasn't been around any American classrooms in a long time.



My mate went to a Trump rally
and all I got was this bloody T shirt



One of Trumps old girlfriends is a sniper.' Trump Said I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?
She said she missed me




If you hold a bullet next to your ear, it makes a sound like an election being rigged




Trump will be off the front pages in a few hrs




How terrible that Donald Trump is the latest victim of political violence and easy firearms access in the USA.

What did he do to deserve this?




Someone tried to assassinate Donald Trump.

Aimed for his head, but only got the extreme right wing.




What's stormy Daniels and Trump got in common??

They've both had men shoot loads on their faces..!



Who else suspects the past posts on the Trump shooters Twitter account has at least 10 Ukraine flags, 50 lgbtqia2s+ references, something showing their support for Hamas, and a whole mass of pronouns in them?



NEWS FLASH!
TRUMP HAS LOAD SHOT IN HIM!
HE'II HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT,WHEN HE IS IN PRISON?




TRUMPS WIFE HAS JUST RELEASED A NEW SINGLE?
IT'S AN OLD CHER HIT!
BANG! BANG!,I SHOT MY BABY DOWN, BANG! BANG!




Joe Biden speaks to press and alerts them that Donald Trump was shot in the ear.
As he left a reporter yelled "What ear is it?" and Biden replied "2024 spltrddedhhhhg"




Trump suspects:

100% conversion rate - ruled out Alec Baldwin
1 in 3 conversion rate - potential the McCanns
1 in 8 conversion rate - high probability Darwin Nunez



NEWS FLASH!
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN SHOT!
THERE IS NO TRUTH,HOWEVER IN THE RUMOUR,THAT MARK CHAPMAN WAS OUT ON DAY RELEASE?



Donald Trump has just released his new slogan: EAR WE GO! EAR WE GO! EAR WE GO!




Trump supporter claims he saw a man with a RIFLE hiding on the roof just outside Trump rally and would have warned cops.

But the constitution says the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.



My wife said that some shots were fired during a rally.

I thought, fuck me, Wimbledon just got a little bit interesting.




Doctors say the bullet that hit Trump has narrowly missed his bone-spurs by about 5 miles.



Surely Donald Trump is way too old to get his ear pierced?



Repost. Cheated off the page by the usual prick.

If Trump is returned to power, then he should pass laws that make in mandatory that all citizens should be taught how to shoot straight.



Do hitmen give refunds for failed assassinations?
Asking for a friend,.

Melania Trump



Trump got a clip around the ear




Mikw Tyson found the missing piece of Donald trump's ear.... He said"apart from a few hairs it tasted just as good as Holyfields.




A full description of Trump's attempted assassin has been released: He/she was wearing a 'be kind' t-shirt and a rainbow badge



Watching the news this morning, I’m so conflicted.

Up until now, I really thought that America should be banning guns.




It turns out that lefties who want to ban guns in the US have a shit aim.




The assassin in the presidential elections also tried to shoot Donald's family members.

He was playing Top Trumps.



American police have confirmed they are looking for someone who can't hit an open target from close range. I hope Harry Kane has got a good alibi for last night!



Breaking News: Trump saved when bullet ricochets off his hairspray,



President, Joe Biden, has condemned the assassination attempt on Donald Trump.

He said, "I should have just done it myself"



Poor Melania. This isn't the first time she has been disappointed by a couple of inches.



One entertaining bit of tv where Donald Trump didn't do the firing



My word; these lefty lunatics are so bent they can’t even shoot straight 🤣




Stand with Trump...........just don't stand behind him!




In line with the Gun Lobby, Chinese residents steal more pistols and rifles than any other.



KATY PRICE WALKS INTO A BAR.
BARMAN SAYS, "YES MADAM CAN I HELP YOU ?"
"CAN YOU RECOMMEND A COCKTAIL"?,ASKED KATY"
THE BARMAN THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT,THEN REPLIED,"HARVEY WALLBANGER ALRIGHT?"
YES THANKS, SHE REPLIED."HE'S AT HOME TUCKED UP IN BE,NOW,WHAT ABOUT THE COCKTAIL!



The wife's promised me sex if England beat Spain tonight.

Come on, Spain!



Why do you never see black people on house alarm adverts?

Because they've already scarpered with the loot.




If Porn Stars get paid for having sex.

Can I claim a rebate?.



As soon as Nacho came on for Spain.
It was guaranteed that tacos and paella would be flavour of the day.



I can see the Spanish headlines now.

English fans take frustrations out on Spanish fans outside English bar in tennerife.




Tottenham Hotspur have said they'd give their trophy cabinet to charity for an England win tonight.

Another empty promise to their fans.




If England beat Spain it will be because of immigration.

If England lose, it will be because England is racist.

(Twitter)



Novak Djokovic lost his second Wimbledon final in a row to the same opponent.

No escape from Alcaraz.

[Piper]

An incredibly rare spade-toothed whale has
been found beached in New Zealand.
They are easily identified by their gold
crowns


What's the difference between Katie Price
and Donald Trump?
Donald has only been shot in the face once


Southgate's gone

Apparently he passed his resignation letter
to Bellingham who passed it sideways to
Foden,who passed it sideways to Saka,who
passed it back Kane who passed it back to
Pickford and he handed it to the FA.

[Piper]

"BREAKING: The UK has accused a North
Korean cyber terrorist of trying to steal
military secrets.
The alleged hackers' name is Mi Hak Yu "


"A guy at work is nicknamed The
Olympic Flame.
Because he never goes out."


"What's the difference between
a clown and Katie Price?
A clown only takes three cream
pies."


"Dublin wax museum removes figure
of Sinead O'Connor after criticism it
did not look like her "
Nothing compares 2 U?"


"The 2024 Paris Olympic ceremony
It's in seine."


"The French put Olympic flag upside
down it won't matter with their national
flag being white."


"Not seen this many trannies on the
Seine,um,2024"


"A diver was hospitalised after sticking his
cock into a giant shellfish off Hawaii.
He now has clamydia."


"An ally of Vladimir Putin says Russian
missiles can 'destory British civilization.'
No need mate, Rupert Murdoch and
Margaret Thatcher beat you to it years
ago "


"Prince Harry claims Meghan Markle
will be ATTACKED by KNIFE OR ACID in UK?"
Or even worse ignored."


"I bought some African coffee with the black
bits taken out.
It's dekaffanated."

[Piper]

Snoop Dogg carries the Olympic spliff.

[Piper]

It's going to take some balls to win
the women's boxing gold


"So everyone is going on about the female
Algerian boxer's sexual identity.
Sorry.But I've just watched the rowing.
Eight women and their cox? Come on!"


"The British Women's rowing eight has
a male Cox.
Had a great wank watching the final, being
told when to stroke."


"Over the weekend at a Kamala Harris rally.
A woman took off her top and revealed
anti-Trump messages.
Witnesses say she made two good
points..."


"The left: "Donald Trump is a RACIST"
The Right: "We know, that's why we
LOVE him "


Apparently Snoop Dogg stole the show
at the Olympic dressage.
No further comment,muld."

[Piper]

"They could solve all the issues with trans
women boxers at the Olympics
by allowing women to punch below
the belt "


"BBC news just in,
5 pieces of food packaging to avoid
Who the fuck is out there eating
the packaging."


"Surprisingly few rainbow flags amongst
the rioters.
They normally turn up for any sort
of protest."


"I've just booked a cheap stay in a Rotherham
Hotel
The Windows Inn."

[Piper]

I think it's going to take some balls to win
tonight's 38m Lotto jackpot.


"Storm Debby is blowing in Florida.Normally
Debbie does Dallas."


"Gwen Dickey recently moved into the
house that was owned by Kurt Cobain's Ex
People keep knocking on her door asking
for Courtney.She got really annoyed so
she's now put a sign in the window "Love Don't
Live here and more"


"Leonard Da Vinci was in the boozer with
history mates chatting about all the birds
he'd fingered last week.
He said he really loved the squealer Carla,
but his favourite was the moaner Lisa."


'Trump to DEPORT Meghan and Harry
if he wins the presidency.
Finally,a reason to vote for Kamala."


"They say it's better a Mini that's
done a hundred thousand miles,
than a Rolls Royce that has been
stuck in the garage.
Pity I have a Mini that hasn't left
the garage..."


"Rocki Balboa ( with a heart over the "I" )
coming to a cinema soon Rocky identifies
as a woman and tries to qualify for the Los
Angeles Olympic Montage to the tune of
the Japs eye of the tiger to feature Rocki
talking too much, hitting the sales
and sitting on a bus whilst Clubber Lang
mansplains how to do his nails and still
fit in boxing gloves, ending in a complex
surgical procedure and a Minor modification
to the statue at the top of the Philly
steps.
Rocki struggles when the priest
refuses to bless him before the fight but
Adrian comes to the rescue with matching
bag
and shoes "


"Trans boxers from Muslim countries
have an additional advantage over
female competitors, because they
know how to make the most of a
he-jab."


"The Somailan team have just been
expelled from the Olympics
for not realising that sailing and
shooting were two separate
events "


"Back in my youth,Trans World Sport
was a very different show."


"Referee warns Olympic women's boxing
finalists not to punch each other in the
testicles."


"Nothing makes me feel sexier than
overpaying for a leather jacket.
Tom Cruise Paris Olympic 2024..."