What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

She said: "If you have a condom, I'd
have sex with you, but if you haven't,
I can't because it would be like having
sex with everyone you've ever done
it with."
I replied: "I have a condom, but by your
criteria, I don't think I need one "


" I wish you'd try and see the good in
people "

Said my wife.

"I do!" I replied. "believe me, I'm
still fucking trying."


I've just realised this morning what
that blob on the end of a condom is
for.
It's for putting your foot on when
You've taking it off.


'Clubbing' It means going out to a place
with loud music, and alcohol, to pick up
someone to fuck if you'd a white
person.
But to blacks, it's something you do to
someone before robbing them if you
haven't got a knife or gun handy.


Some dirty bastard has stolen my wife's
knickers.
I expect they'll be returned pretty sharpish
though as she was in them at the time.


I drank 15 pints of Guinness then rushed
to the toilet to explode my bowels whilst
in the capital of Colombia.
Bogota?

Yeah, it was a right fucking mess.


I was in Whitcoulls today and I
asked the shop assistant if she
kept stationary.
"No I move around a lot."
Was her reply.


A woman came up to me in the
Gym and asked if I knew which
exercises would help her lose
weight.
I said, "Try shaking your head
from side to side."
She replied, "How often should I
do that?"
I remarked, "Every time someone
offers you food "


My woke friend died.
Do they still need a wake?

[Bikkie]

I've worked for years as a lookalike for Prince Andrew. Now I'm fucked. I've had to take a job in Pizza Express




I've just joined a Wet Wet Wet tribute band. We're called Shit Shit Shit




Andrew has been demoted from a job of doing fuck all to a position of doing fuck all.



The Andy formerly known as Randy




Thomas the Tank Engine was chugging along one fine day when he heard commotion in the carriages he was pulling. And he thought, "Fucking niggers."




This black guy at work got upset and demanded to know why I never call him mate, like I do the white guys.... "Just relax, Primate."



Jim at work surprised us today and told us he's going in for a sex-change.... "Surely you can't be serious ?" I said.... "I am, and please call me Shirley"

[Piper]

Meghan Markle set for first return to acting
in eight years with role in comedy movie.....
and she'll play HERSELF
After Whoopi Goldberg turned down the
role,


I don't know if this a

SCAM

but I just received a text
saying

I'd won $500 cash
or tickets to
an Elvis tribute night.It
says PRESS
1 for the MONEY
or
2 for the SHOW.....


A dwarf was drinking in a
bar, when a sexy blonde
walked up to him and
said, "I've always wanted
to have sex with a little
person."
The dwarf replied "I'm
sorry, but I've had Women
say that before, then I
go home with them and
the husband or boyfriend
finds out and I get beaten
up."
"It's ok," said the woman.
"my husband is working
away until next week."
So, against his better
judgement he goes back
with the woman.
They start having amazing
sex, when suddenly the
front door opens.
"Shit, it's my husband"
she said. "Quick, hang out
of the bedroom window
and when he goes for a
shower, you can climb in
and get away!"
So the dwarf climbs out of
the window and hangs on
the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the
bedroom, says "It's cold in
here!" Slams the window
shut and the dwarf
plummets to the ground.
The woman is distraught
and calls an ambulance .
A couple of days later she
goes to visit the dwarf in
hospital.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Well my fingers are broken.
I've got two broken ankles, a
dislocated hip, and severe
concussion," he said.
"Oh dear!" she said, "Still,
it could have been much
worse."
"Much worse?!"said the dwarf.
"How do you figure that out?"
"Well", she said, "you're
lucky that I live in a
bungalow."

[Piper]

What's the difference between Judd Trump and
Donald trump?
Judd Trump pots a lot of balls.


Telling a woman to calm down works
as well as trying to baptize a cat.


I'm starting a Christian swingers group: Come
all Ye faithful.


After years of trying and falling, my
gay-trans son is finally convinced he
has something to audition with for
BGT that's sure to get him through... let's
see them dare say no to my rousing rendition of
"When a Man Becomes a woman".


This tranny got mad at work and said
that I outed "her" in a big conference
with another company.
"Uh, no, that lantern jaw and chestnut
in your Yoga pants did that for you all
by yourself."

[Bikkie]

."I was on the 'weight watchers' web site. I disabled the 'cookies' because they were making me hungry.




I had a phone call to say my sister had just given birth. So I asked if it was a girl or boy. They said it was a them their or they!




Just found out that cows produce more milk if the farmer talks to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.



Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.



Some years ago my wife was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and I got a call from Chris Tarrant saying "Your wife is going for £500,000 and you as the lifeline can help get her there"... My wife started, "In the Bible, who was the husband of Queen Esther ?"; I instantly responded, "Ahasuerus"..... Just before the fat thick bitch lost almost everything she said to me on the phone, "No, it can't be that one, I definitely don't think she was married to a dinosaur."



Imagining the end of Fast & Furious 7 with Clarkson and Quentin Wilson ..


Fuck me, at this rate Tom Cruise will come out before Grand Theft Auto VI.




My grand-niece was visiting and she said "Grandpa, do you want to be in a video ?.... No, not that kind of video, this one's just going on Youtube."..... "Right, I'll put my clothes back on."



After years of trying and failing, my gay-trans son is finally convinced he has something to audition with for BGT that's sure to get him through.... let's see them dare say no to my rousing rendition of "When a Man Becomes a Woman."




When you understand the old adage: “suck it & see”, you’ll know why so many poofs & scrubbers get to the top in politics, tv & the arts.

[Piper]

Trump is lowering tariffs on beef
to distract from the fact that he
smoked Clinton's sausage.


If you gets a link called
'free porn' don't opin it.
It is a birus wich deactivates
your spelcheck and garblis up
you riting
I also received it but luckily I
dont does porn so I dint
opin it


You know when you get that
urge to eat something just
because it's right there in
front of you?
Anyway I lost my job as a
gynaecologist today.


If I hadn't misunderstood
what the interviewer wanted
when she asked to see my
testimonials, I might have got
that job.


My father always said, "Don't
force it, just get a hammer."
Wonderful dad, terrible
neurosurgeon.


Me: Wow you're beautiful.

Her: Thanks!

Me: I wonder where we'd
be if you weren't?

Her: I wonder where we'd
be if you didn't have any
money?

Me: O

Her: What?

Me: You are so shallow.

Her: It's a really good thing
you can't go deep then, isn't
it?



Me: I can't call you beautiful.

Her: Why not?

Me: Because beauty s on
the inside , and I ain't been
inside you yet


What did the police say to
the belly button?
You are under a vest.


I don't know who Jolene is but
if her tits are bigger than Dolly
Parton's I say she deserves
the win.


A drop dead gorgeous blonde at
the club said to me, "How about
free drinks all night in return for
sex?"
"Are you sure?", I asked.
"Yes," she smiled.
"Because," I said, "I can drink a
lot of whiskey, you know."


I sent my conservative mate
online the 1998 movie"Cube,"
about political prisoners thrown
inside an endless Rubik's Cube
maze with lethal booby traps
like sudden acid bath; and I said,
"This is where in only a couple
years people doing 'misinformation'
here and in Canada and such against the
PC state will get thrown!"
"Yeah, but you've not completely
correct...in addition to this, all prisoners
will be forced to have a mandatory
sex-change first."

[Bikkie]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a boiling glass of water. Bartender says, "I thought you vampires only drank blood." Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm having tea!"





How are push-up bras like a bag of Bluebird chips? When you open them, you realize they’re half empty.




A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."




Some cunt phoned me, sneezed and hung up. I fucking hate those cold calls.



I tried cooking corned beef in a pan with potatoes and onions, but sadly I made a hash of it....................



Ladies....the safe-word will be " Harder"



The pretty salesgirl said to me, "So you're shopping for expensive underwear for your wife for Christmas ?".... "No, and you're not hearing me right, I said Expansive."



This younger lady at work said to me, "all this pro-Trump stuff you casually drop, it's not good for your rizz with girls."..... didn't matter much when I held her down in the parking lot and forcibly jizzed in her arse later.

[Piper]

What is the biggest type
of bed?
The sea bed


"What's the result nurse?"
"You have gonorrhea."
"Finally, the clap that keeps
NHS workers employed.


I just remembered that I had to
borrow the train fair off my
Jewish mate to appear on today's
edition of bargain Hunt and I
haven't repaid him.
No doubt he'll be
watching with interest.


My girlfriend asked me to get one
of those drinks with her name on it-
I bought her a can of monster, that's
how the fight started.


I went for a job as a
contortionist.
They said, "How flexible
are you?"
I said, "Well I can't do
Thursdays.


Went on a blind date with a proper fat
woman and woke up with a black eye.
I only said, "Your round" after I finished
my pint.


You can say what you like
about people from Vienna, but they
certainly do know how to make good
Ice-cream.


I whispered in her ear what I would like
to do to her and she said, "I'm getting
really wet."
"Turns you on , does it?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "You dribble a lot."


"Two Girls, one cup!"
chanted the Dyslexic
England fan


I'm not saying my wife's
thick.
But she thought Cubby
Checker was a junior
school job.


Never buy flowers from
a monk.
You will prevent florist friars.


Trump may not pardon the
Thanksgiving turkeys this year.
The turkeys are having a difficult
time raising the 2 million dollars
that Trump demands for a
pardon.


How do you start a hostile argument
with a liberal and/or a feminist?
Say to them literally anything.

[Bikkie]

If you are what you eat, does this mean Ted Bundy is more human than the rest of us?



Snow. The only thing to land in the UK that is white.




I was in for my prostate exam and it was going in deeper, deeper, deeper than normal..... than I realized, that doctor had both of his fucking hands on my shoulders.




Troubling be survey shows 90% of graduating high school seniors don't know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.




I was licking my grans dry, dusty, cheesy cunt earlier when she queefed a load of 10 year old, mouldy cum into my mouth and there were traces of dry preeriod blood and shit that had leaked from her arse into her cunt. I started to chew and thought fuck me this isn’t bad and asked her to fart from her shitty arse next to add some fucking seasoning.




Armistice and Aberfan commemorations were a week or more ago, yet Wales' players are wearing black armbands tonight. Must have been a very special sheep.




To the black man that snatched my wife's purse...... enjoy your no money and 14 XXXL tampons that you made off with.



I'm not saying my girlfriend's ugly but her new porn site's called AnyFans.




What's brown and sticky? A stick.



Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or even an expensive bottle of perfume for Christmas, but she will NEVER forget the Christmas you got her a new mop, NEVER!!

[Piper]

Got all my Christmas shopping done today.
Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes.


Someone asked why gays are always
'In your face ' with their sexuality.
I guess it is because they are rarely
face-to-face themselves.

[Piper]

Black Friday?? The bastards have just
had the whole of October to celebrate
their 'history', now they get an additional
day.....


Black Friday: 50% off all slaves.


The black man at work laughs three times
at all my jokes.
Once when I tell it once, when I explain it
to him, and once when he finally fucking
gets it .


What did Mike Tyson say when his girlfriend
gave him a golden shower on Christmas?
"It's beginning to look a lot like pithmath".


People who use the phrase "As different as
chalk and cheese" have obviously never bought
Iceland value range Cheddar.


Watching tradcons promote marriage is like
watching paramedics do CPR on a decomposing
corpse.


Growing old has learned me that you
don't really need fun to have alcohol.


My hobby is pornothology
I love watching birds.


You can only get away with "It's for
your own good" until a child is four.... After
that, you need more justification for stealing
their chocolate.


I met a woman who said she loved a
good 12 inches.
She had a foot fetish.

[Piper]

The English cricket team don't like the pink ball
because every time they see it under lights, they're
reminded that even a glowing high- visibility object
has a better chance of surviving the night than their
top order.

[Piper]

My young son found and watched
this movie on Netflix called "The
Santa Clause" where the actor
Tim Allen morphs almost overnight
into Santa clause.
"The magic is real," I said to my
son, "This exact thing happened
to you mother just after I married
her "


Why is Prince Andrew not writing
any Christmas books?
He hasn't got any titles.


After spending 20 minutes trying
to get my wife's bra off, I've decided
to give up!
I wish I'd never put it on now.


My son asked me, "Dad, why
do men get married?"
I said, "Because they can't spend
the rest of their lives being happy."


"Prams expose babies to up to 60%
more air pollution than adults.".
I'd like to know how they came to
that conclusion.
I don't know a single adult who is
pushed around in a pram.


Some people feel they've achieved
something by overcoming adversity
or illness to walk to the north pole
or something, but I bet they've never
managed to get a French stick home
unbroken from a Tesco express as I
have today.


I donated blood last Friday...It just
occurred to me that by now, my blood
could now be
A) Engorging some blokes penis to give
him a erection.
Or B) Flowing out of some women's Virginia
into a menstrual pad.


A survey has revealed 41% of Americans believe
human beings and dinosaurs lived at the same
time
True that I've seen the Flintstones.
And clearly dinosaurs were still around less than
2,000 years ago, cos there was a Christmas special.
Checkmate, atheists!

[Bikkie]

If an AI indentify itself as non binary, does that mean it doesn't exist?



Are Muslims Allahcaholics?



Yearly check ups at the doctors can greatly improve your chances of catching prostate cancer... Why the fuck would I want to improve my chances of catching prostate cancer?





What do you call an alcoholic paki? Mohammered.



BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump has issued an executive order that bans the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" as it has become very upsetting to Melania. (According to my social media accounts, I will never be able to visit the USA as a tourist)



Got the missus a necklace for Christmas. Weighed it at the self-service checkout. Put it through as 24 carrots.




New Epstein photos include one with Trump and six girls. However they have redacted their faces and which primary school they attend.


I got Wordle in 1 today. What a Guess!!!



Give your children a Christmas they will never forget Get them fuck all



The BBC have just put the shortlist for Sports Personality of the year on their website. This is the order they are in on the web page (I shit you not) and my perception of their achievements: Hannah Hampton - Played in net for England and saved 2 penalties and being a woman Chloe Kelly - Played for England during their 2022 tournament victory and being a woman Ellie Kildunne - Played for England at Rugby during their 2025 tournament victory and being a woman Luke Littler - Became the youngest player in history to win the prestigious Sid Waddell trophy and become PDC world champion Rory Mcllroy - Became only the 6th player in the history of golf to win all 4 major championships Lando Norris - Became only the 35th driver in history to win the F1 world championship at the age of 26. It should be a tight decision between all 6 LOL



Summer Camp and Some are Camp don't sound the same for nothing.




I've just had a letter from the mosque saying they're staging their own nativity play and they want my daughter to play the part of Bonnie Blue................. I'm no Christian but something doesn't feel right here




I bought a kitchen knife. It said on the packaging, "Keep out of reach of children and niggers."




They say these strong winds are causing traffic to slow down.... Bullshit I just saw an old lady on her bicycle doing 60




The evolution of women's grooming: 1980s: Full bush 1990s: Trimmed busy 2020s: Brazilian wax 2010s: Completely bald 2020s: She's got a cock.



Just imagining Dogfucker's Xmas list. Asking Santa's Little Helper to send him nudes of....well.... Santa's Little Helper




For sale: Biscuit manufacturing business together with business website. Must accept all cookies.



My annual Xmas joke When Jesus was born he weighed 12lbs 10 oz They knew that coz they had away in a manger




I've just decided to buy a film company. Picking the right one is absolutely Paramount



Santa: little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Girl: I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe. Santa: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? Girl: No...she fakes




I can't believe all these Veterans living on the streets having hit hard time and all that shit. There's a girl down the road that earns shit load of money for killing cats and dog's working as a Vet... come on you lazy bastards get your finger out!!

[Piper]

Naming something that's English that
isn't works the other way as well.
We have Mohammad and Feema next
door to us, sounds like a couple of
fucking Pakis, but they are as
English as they come, ten kids, collecting
a fortune in benefits and never done a legit
days work in their lives.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with peanut butter?
Same thing, but it sticks to the roof
of your mouth.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with an onion?
Same thing, but it makes your eyes
water.


What do you get if you cross a rooster
with jalapeno chillies?
Same thing, but it sets your mouth
on fire.


My mate Rob just had a kid with an
extra chromosome.
I call it Robert Downey Junior.


I've had people ask me this week if
my diary was free.
It may look cheap but it was a whole
dollar from Whitcoulls.


My girlfriend moans about me 'pressing
her buttons'.
I don't care, I will keep on until I find the
'Mute'...


They're so many tradesmen in Mitre 10
this morning wearing hi-viz, I had to double
check I wasn't at a mid-90's hardcore rave.


It's being reported that porn videos are
being hidden inside regular videos on
YouTube.
So word to the wise, if you click on a
cute panda video, that may not be
bamboo in his mouth.


"Abortion is wrong"
"My body, my choice...By
the way you can't come in
here without a mask "
"But you could kill an
innocent person"
"Check mate "


Tip number 1-If you get
pulled over by a female
police officer who asks
you if you know why
they've stopped you,
don't reply, "Is it because
you wanted to give me a
blowjob?"

Tip number 2-If they then
ask you to get out of the
car and put your hands
behind your head, don't get
your cock out and say, "I
fucking knew it."


I've just come back from
two weeks holiday in
Spain.
I managed to get through
all the 50 shades books
No toilet paper.


Well fuck me, I was scrubbing
a new LED lamp and a Genie
jumped out of it,
"Yeah, Yeah," he said,
"I know, but we have to
modernize so we don't
look too obvious in a silly
old oil lamp."
"Wow", I replied, "Do I
still get my three wishes
then?"
"Sorry me old son," he
replied, "that's changed
as well, Y'know with the
Corona shit and all that,
in fact, you only have a
choice of two items.
I can give you the lottery
numbersvfor the next draw,
or another rubbish one not
worth talking about."
"Fucking magic, give us
those six beauties, as a
matter of interest, what's
the rubbish one?" I asked.
"Oh, that, it's a doctors
appointment"
"Scrap the fucking six
numbers," I said, "I'll take
the doctors appointment."


I'm unlucky in love I once
asked out a blind woman
and she told me she was
seeing someone.


One day at school, the
teacher asked Little
Johnny, "Can you tell me a
word starting with 'A'?"
"Arsehole." Little Johnny
replied
The teacher gaped for a
moment, but continued:
"How about a word
starting with 'B'?"
"Bastard," said Little
Johnny.
The teacher decided to
skip "C", so she asked
"What about something
starting with 'D'?"
Little Johnny thought
for a moment, then said
"Dwarf."
The teacher sighed with
relief and asked, "And do
you know what a dwarf
is?"
Little Johnny said, "A little
cunt about this big."


I was thinking of buying a
motorhome. I went to the
local dealers and he had
two, one of them had pink
wheels, fake lashes on the
headlamps and lacy curtains.
I said, "What the fuck is that?"
He said, "That's my camper
van "


I took my Dad to Australia for
his 70th birthday.
We were in a nice restaurant
in Sydney when suddenly he
shouted out, "I fucking hate aborigines!"
I said, "Dad you can't say that here."
But he just wouldn't shut up.
Again he shouted, "I fucking hate
aborigines!"
"Dad, you just can't say that in a
restaurant," I told him, "and in any
case, it's Pronounced aubergines "


I remember when I was in
Saudi Arabia years ago
I was walking through
downtown Riyadh when I
heard this woman shouting
"I don't want to get stoned."
I couldn't understand why
she wouldn't want to do
I shouted back"Well I
fucking do "
And then it hit me.


Medical science says
that having sex on a
regular basis helps keep
your memory intact.
I'd like to wish everyone on
Kiwi biker a happy and
prosperous 2015.


T-shirts with the slogan
'Blow Jobs Are Real Job'
have been banned in
Liverpool.