I took a girl home last night, but when things
got passionate she pulled away, away saying
"I'm sorry, but last time I had sex it was like
the 100 metre final."
I laughed "Oh Yeah? All done in under 10 seconds?"
She said "No, eight black men and a gun."


I went to Bunnings the other day and asked the
assistant for some nails.
He asked me how long do I need them.
I said I wanted to keep them.


I said to the wife the other day,"You are
driving me to drink."
She replied, "I'm sorry I don't mean too "
I said, "No you are driving me to drink, grab
your keys let's go."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability
to guess what day a woman was born on just
by feeling her boobs, "Really" She said, "Go on
then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began
to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day
was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had
a shave and got your haircut, you'd look
alright."
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your
friends over there instead of you."


What is the difference between a Maori
and dog shit.
The dog shit turns white after awhile
and loses its smell.


I went to the doctor's office the other day
and found out that my new doctor is a
young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't
worry, I'm a professional --I've seen it
all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes
funny."


I was starting in a queue at the bank
behind a woman with a huge fat arse.
Suddenly her mobile started bleeping
and a little boy looked up and said, "Fuck
me-she's reversing."


Winston Singh, a half Indian and half
Maori kid, asks his mum, "Am I mostly
Black or am I mostly Indian?" "You're
just my son" the mother replies.
"But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for
$50 and I don't know weather to be
an Indian and haggle or just stab
the cunt and take it "


I don't judge people based on colour,
race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability
or size
I base it on weather or not they're
an arsehole.


Do you ever have the urge to tell someone
to shut the fuck up even when they aren't
talking?


SIGN ON ITALIAN BARBER SHOP READ:
"Haircuts while you wait!"


A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as it comes home, it rushes
and fucks all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the
rooster again Screws all 150 hens.
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day he finds the rooster fucking
the ducks and geese. Later, the farmer
finds the rooster pale, half-dead and
vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you
horny bastard;"
The rooster opens one eye, and says,
"Sshh They're about to land."


According to recent studies, blowjobs are
healthiest breakfast, as it comes with a
sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
So do the women in your life a favour
and pass this message on so they stay
healthy....suck a dick and don't get sick.


Two eggs sitting in the fridge.
One says "Hey you ok buddy? Your all
green and hairy."
"That's because I'm a kiwifruit arsehole "


He nudged his wife in bed last night, and
whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm
Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away.
"Right in the middle of National Headache week."


My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you
fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted
the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "So what happened?"
I said, "Nothing. The cunt missed and hit
your mother."


Women are the only species known to man that
can defy the laws of gravity.....The more they weigh,
the easier they are to pickup.


A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds than man.