I asked a science teacher
how I could make Magnesium
Oxide and he replied, "You
really need a lab for that."

So I went straight to the
dog rehoming center and
picked one up, but he doesn't
know either?


I put this ad in a lonely
hearts column.

"I like to go for long walks
stopping regularly for nice
cool drinks. I enjoy good
food and at the end of a
day I would love to curl up
on the sofa with you and
stroke your hair"

I only got one reply

From a Golden Retriever.


My wife was in the garden
when her mobile rang, so I
picked it up.

"Oh, hello Dave!!" said her
friend. "Are you really so
insecure that you have to
check up on her?"

"No," I replied. "But every
year or so I like to check
that her Answer button is
working."


My mate is so thick...
He thought that legs
Akimbo was an Ethiopian
long distance runner.


Me and my girlfriend were
discussing the withdrawal
agreement today.

Apparently, if I promise
to put out, I'm definitely
allowed to come on her
tits.


Someone's knockin' at the
door
somebody's ringin' the bell
someone's knockin' at the
door
someone's ringin' the
bell
Jehovah's witness with
Parkinson's'.


The original King Kong
was 42 feet tall.
A normal gorilla has a
penis length of about 1.5
inches.
King Kong would therefore
have a penis about 10.5
inches long.
He fancied Fay Wray.
She started to fall for him.
She could have just about
accommodated him had
she given it some serious
thought .

Just saying!


I have good news and bad
news

The bad news is there's no
good news.

And the good news is that
the bad news is irrelevant


Definition of irony, doing
your speed awareness
course on Zoom

The no show.


My friend said to me, "My
wife makes Susan Boyle
look beautiful"

I said, "Thank god you said
that, I've been wanting
to say something for
years, you know she really
is ugly, what were you
thinking when you married
her?"

He replied angrily "No, you
fucking cunt, she's Susan's
new personal make-up
artist "


I had an examination
earlier. And the guy
stuck his finger right
up my arse to the hilt.
Then twirled it around
for a bit. I was telling the
wife I didn't think it was
normal. She said if I was
that concerned. I should
probably change dentist.


My regular prostitute had
a special offer: "Two For
The Price Of One "

Anyway, the other guy
seemed really nice..


I was a crack baby.

Unlike my brother, he was
a caesarian section.


I asked my wife if she
fancied a quickie.
She replied..."As opposed
to what?"


I just lost my job
as an ice-cream tester.

I couldn't do Sundaes...


My mother always said,
"Sometimes, son it is
better to just walk away
from things and go back
to them later when you're
in a better frame of mind."

Anyway, I just lost my job
as a surgeon.


My Mum straddled me
and shouted in my face,
"You're a fucking loser!"

Wasn't what I expected to
happen the second I lost
my virginity.


This impotence is all very
new to me. I'm a Johnny
cum-lately.


Men with neck tattoos
used to make people
nervous.
Now they make them
lattes


My first day as a home
help for the elderly could
have gone better.

"There you go Mrs Jones,
I've emptied out that big
ashtray you keep on the
mantelpiece for you."


The Gender Equality crap
has gone too far these
days

My gay son told me he
just got a new job at
this all male version of
Hooters called "Peckers."


I asked the librarian if
she had a book about the
proper way to insert a
penis into a Vagina.

"That's indecent" she said.

"Yeah that's the one" I
said.


How do you convince a
liberal that something is
there?
Put it beneath a headline.


I went to the doctor to
get a prescription for my
alcoholism.

"What's the cost of this
prescription?" I asked him.

"$1,000," he said.

I said, "Woah, and what
are the side effects?"

"Drowsiness, nausea,
headache.. " he said
"I'll decline," I said. "I
seems cheaper just to get drunk."


I walked in the bathroom
and caught my girlfriend
flicking the old bean, hand
in pants going 10 to the
dozen. Flustered, she
looked up smiling at me
and said "Would you like
to finish me off?"

I just hope that my
response will stand up in
court as an alibi.


Pessimist: This glass is
half empty.

Optimist: This glass is half
full.

Opportunist: Drinks
both glasses while
the other two cunts
are arguing about it.


What do you call
a Russian gender
reassignment surgeon?

Pulya Kickoff.


I used to be a
historian.

But that's all
behind me.