Due to the gravity of the charges against him, the Andrew Formerly Known as Prince may be facing a life sentence.

His brother will probably allow him to have a footman on the inside, though.

'Ah, Jeeves. I appear to have been somewhat careless in my handling of the soap. Be a sport and pick it up for me, would you?'



Talk about ironic

This morning my 100 year old mum got a telegrams from the King.

And this afternoon my 12 year old daughter got a dick pic from Peince Andrew.



Kier Starmer: "I'm glad I'm not in the Epstein files

Everyone in the Epstein files: "I'm so fucking glad I'm not Kier Starmer




Following the Tourette's N-word incident at the Bafta Awards, opinion is split into two camps:

Those who think the BBC should have edited out the slur, as racist language is never acceptable.

Those who think the BBC were right to air it unedited, as it raised awareness of the condition.

I think everyone has lost sight of what's truly important here.

That it was really fucking funny.





I should have known my ex girlfriend was a slut when I realized typing the word "of" on her phone would always autocorrect to OF



Somebody stole our portaloo last night

They really are taking the piss



"I honestly don't understand why you all liberals push this shite especially with drag queens ?" I said.... "There's no actual fucking woman that looks like this or tries to look like this ?"

Then, sure enough, my wife got back from her fucking salon, with huge perm and looking exactly like Dame Edna.



I came home early and this contractor who is behind schedule was up in my wife's bedroom, and when I flung the door open my wife was face-down and naked on the bed. The contractor explained, "Uh, I've just lost my plum-bob in your wife's butt."

"Understandable, it's pretty roomy in there, try and be less careless with your tools," I said, closing the door again.



Trump offered his formal apology for not inviting the USA's women's ice hockey team to the White House.

"Sorry, I had it on good authority that they all only shower after three periods."



Just listened to Alastair Campbell on a podcast, complaining about how much lying there is in politics these days.
It felt a bit like watching a Ted Talk on women's rights delivered by the Black Cab Rapist.



The myth started that Asians Were better than us at Maths.

That's only because they couldn't use the excuse that the dog ate their homework.




To kill the time at work, some of my colleagues and I decided to look ourselves up on one of these ancestry tracing websites to see if our surnames matched with what our ancestors used to be.
A bloke called Pete Mason went first and as we all guessed, his surname is Mason because his ancestors were masons.
Then a bloke called Alex Tailor had a go and as we guessed, his surname is Tailor because his ancestors were tailors.
We haven't seen Jon Smith since that evening. He jumped out the window and legged it down the street.
Turns out his ancestors weren't blacksmiths: they were Venables.