Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".
squeal piggy
Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German" she replies. "Occupation?" "No, not this time I am just here for a few days first".
squeal piggy
"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus "You have some semen on the back of your jacket". "I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yoghurt". "It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".
squeal piggy
My chat up line has a perfect strike rate. All I ask, when I see a girl on her own is "I have a knife in one hand and my cock in the other, one of these is going in you... your choice?"
squeal piggy
I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat". "Oh no" she cried "Is he in a bad way?" "Put it this way" I said "My cricket bat snapped in half".
Meow
Argh ok, that one hit a note with me.Originally Posted by GSW
Nice one.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
A sultry, over the shoulder stare followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world.
Not during a rectal exam though according to my doctor.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
I recently did a survey on children with Tourette's asking them what their favourite fruit is.
2% said banana, 4% said apple, and a resounding 94% said 'Fuck off you cunt'.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
Joyce and Grace meet at the Pearly Gates (they were neighbors).
Joyce asked, "What did you die from?"
Grace replied, "I froze to death." Joyce asked, "What was it like?"
Grace said, "At first it was cold, then a warm feeling came over me until I passed."
She asked Joyce, "What happened to you?".
She said, "I thought my husband was cheating on me, so I left work early. I went home and found him sitting in the living room watching TV. I ran down to the basement, then up to our bedroom and didn't find anyone. I was running back downstairs when I had a heart attack."
Grace replied, "If you would have looked in the freezer first, we'd both be alive."
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead. The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.
I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
I was suddenly awoken with a blow job this morning. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
I think my gran has Alzheimer's. She called me Dave earlier when my name is Pete. Either that or she's thinking of someone else when we're having sex.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Forum whore
Q - How do you make a cat go whoof and a dog go miaw?
A - Douse cat in petrol and set alight - whoof! Place dog in freezer for two days and slice with bandsaw - miaw!
Meow
How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy jerking off..
.........
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I don't cum on my apple before I eat it.
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
Not all sick, but figured I'd post some normal funnies
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
Meow
White, Sticky, and falls from the sky?
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The Cumming of the Lord
What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?
Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.
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