What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was crying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.

[MSTRS:Me]

I was in hospital the other day when I saw a sign that read "Rape Victims". So I did.

[Juniper]

- I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

- A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

- I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

- Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

- I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

- Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb xxxx !

- I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

- I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[Juniper]

Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[unstuck]

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. Welcome to my world.

[Madness]

Taranaki Daily News Headline: "AOS Officer Scores Hole In One"

[Juniper]

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin' bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!!

Scam
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[Juniper]

It's always better to have a wank with a dead arm.

It can really spoil a funeral though.

[Juniper]

A man comes across a genie who grants him three wishes but tells the man that for every wish he gets, his wife gets two of the same. So the man asks for a car, his wife gets two. He asks for a house, his wife gets two. Then he wishes the genie to beat him half to death.

[Juniper]

A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow.'

The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared At the doctor's office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Eileen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Juniper]

My black neighbour has spent nearly a grand on mobile phones for her six kids, just so she can keep tabs on them.

Silly bitch could've saved a fortune and just bought herself a police scanner.

[Juniper]

The mans wife was complaining about not having enough money. Finally the man told his wife if she wanted more money she could go earn it by blowing other guys. Taking her husbands advice she set off to make her fortune...She came home after her first night and showed her husband all the money she had made. "how much did you make" he asked. She said $200.50!!!! He was impressed but laughed and asked"who gave you 50 cents" she replied...ALL OF THEM!!!
Bazinga...

[Juniper]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person on earth." I whispered in her ear, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face!

[MSTRS:Me]

My mate John loves anything during sex and he has a particular penchant for all things anal. He met Emma at a party. They had shitloads to drink then went to her house.

They drank more and fucked all night, lights off. He forced his thumbs up her arse, prised apart her ring, licked and tongued, whilst she screamed loudly.

After a heavy sleep, John woke to find blood everywhere - on the bed sheets, on his cock, all over his fingers and round his mouth. He woke Emma and showed her the stains. He asked her "Why didn't you tell me you had your period?"

"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"

[Drew]

My mate John loves anything during sex and he has a particular penchant for all things anal. He met Emma at a party. They had shitloads to drink then went to her house.

They drank more and fucked all night, lights off. He forced his thumbs up her arse, prised apart her ring, licked and tongued, whilst she screamed loudly.

After a heavy sleep, John woke to find blood everywhere - on the bed sheets, on his cock, all over his fingers and round his mouth. He woke Emma and showed her the stains. He asked her "Why didn't you tell me you had your period?"

"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"

This one wins, I'm off to throw up violently!