What's your sickest joke?

[imdying]

A man goes to the pharmacy and says, "I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter".

The pharmacist says, "Your daughter is sexually active?"

The dad says, "No, she just lays there like her mother".

[imdying]

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her. "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies, "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?". To which he responds, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

[sugilite:Me]

I couldn't bear reading any of them. I started gagging at just their home page.

Then you may of missed this snippet....""Spunky Candied Pecans" - this is a great party snack. Prepare well in advance and let guests enjoy your delicious nuts while you put the finishing touch on their dinner."
I literally laughed to tears after reading that

[MSTRS:Me]

Was not written by a woman.

But it was written for one...

[imdying]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[imdying]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?

Santa goes down the chimney.

[Tigadee]

Two men were stuck in the desert and on their last legs of life; thirsty and starving. As they carwled over a dune, they spotted before them a single lump of camel dung.

Both men were disgusted but saw no alternative but to consume the dung as their ony source of sustenance and survival. Yet they went back and forth insisting that the other fellow eat it first.

Finally one gave up and said he would. The other waited.

But as the man ate the dung, he could not stomach it and gagged, eventually vomiting the now soft and moist dung out into the other man's cupped hands, who said eagerly, "Ooo! I like my food warm!"

[jasonu]

What is the difference between a cricket ball and an Aboriginal woman?

You'd eat the cricket ball if you REALLY HAD to.

[Juniper]

Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.

[MSTRS:Me]

I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning. There was a note on his bed which read "I can't take the critism anymore". I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him. As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said "That's not how you spell criticism".

[unstuck]

What's grey?
A melted penguin.

What do Asians do when they have erections?
Vote.

Why is a paedophile like a turtle?
Because he gets there before the hare.

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables?
Getting their wheelchairs in the oven.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

[Juniper]

Dating
by XavierScott about 1 hour ago
Dating Rituals:

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[Berries]

Errrrr there is nothing more I can say about this website: http://cookingwithcum.com/

Signed copies of the book 'A collection of semen based recipes' are available.


Well that's all the Christmas presents sorted for this year.

[Juniper]

Why are all the roads in France lined with trees?

Because Germans like to march in the shade.

The famous British "Red Coat" was, by legend, red to hide the blood. One must wonder why the French army prefers brown pants...

How many French does it take to defend Paris?

Nobody knows, its never been tried.

[Juniper]

I had a girl say this to me. She goes, "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate". I said, "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry".