What's your sickest joke?

[Swoop]

"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?" I asked my date.
"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"
"A big fuck off knife!" I replied.
"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.
"Well done, you've made a sensible choice."




My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.
And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad!

[Juniper]

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. On examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

[Juniper]

A hen pecked poor excuse for a man is sat in the local country public house, tucked in to corner, with his beer so that no one would see him, as he wasn’t the most sociable man in the world.
Two very well to do farmers were sat close by discussing the erection problem of a new bull he had just bought very cheaply from the live stock market.
1st Farmer “our New bull don’t seem to be able to get it up, I have tried every heifer in the field and he don’t seem to be interested in any of them!”
2nd Farmer “You obviously don’t know the old secret of how to make any living creature into a mad raging sex machine do you”? he said.
1st Farmer “do you think it would work on this new bull then as I really do need him to breed with all the herd?”
2nd Farmer “He will not only service your whole herd but any heifer that he get a sniff of! Look drink up and we will go to your farm and I show the secret.”
Now the poor hen pecked excuse of a man hears this conversation and his brain starts to tick as he remembered the words “to make any living creature into a mad raging sex machine” So he drinks his beer and follows the two farmers to the Farm and hides in a bush at the edge of the field, he watches as the 2nd farmer tells the 1st farmer to fetch his bull and one of the heifers out the field. 10 minutes later the 1st farmer turns up with a sad poor looking excuse for a bull and a spritely on heat heifer. The 2nd farmer goes up to the heifer and lifts her tail, he shoves his hand into her well seasoned opening and moves it in and out, walking over to the bull he rubs his scent covered hand up and down the bulls nose and stands back warning the 1st farmer to stand back as well..
The sad poor looking excuse for a bull snorts, his nostrils flare, his eyes take on a red glow as he paws the ground. Charging over to the heifer his dick now a pulsing rampant probe he circles round the heifer twice then stands back and charges her rear as his rampant rod impales her.
The poor hen pecked excuse of a man watches the bull for the next hour as he runs up to each heifer in the field and fucks them all. His brain starts to tick as he as he tries to remember the last time he had an erection let alone fucked his wife. With the image of the bull in his mind he leaves the farm and walks to his house, as he opened the door he saw his wife bent over the kitchen sink, walking up behind her he pushes his hand in to her pussy moves it in and out, takes them out and rubs his hand all over his face, runs around the kitchen table twice undoes his zip and stands there breathing hard.
His wife now in total shock gathers herself together and turns to look at him, her eyes wide open, her mouth a gasp, stares at the image in front of her. The poor hen pecked excuse of a man snorts and asks her
“Do I look Like a Mad rampaging Bull???
No she replied you look like a fucking Red Indian so go and get a wash and don’t get any on the towels!

[Juniper]

2 men were talking about their problems while waiting on the corner for the kids to come out of school and one said to the other

"As a pedophile it becomes very difficult for me to watch porn on the Internet.

I visited one site today and it said, "18 or above?"

I clicked 'No' and it redirected me to my home page."

[Juniper]

A homeless man walking across a brigade spots a girl about to jump.
Homeless man: "Hey, can we have sex before you jump?"
Girl: "NO."
Homeless man: "Okay, I will just wait for you at the bottom."

[Juniper]

Old man and his wife are sitting on their front porch.
The Wife smacks him upside the head.

Old man: "What was that for?"

Wife: " That's for 50 years of shitty sex"

Old man grabs his cane and swats her back.

Wife: "HEY! What the hell was that for?"

Old man: "That my dear, is for knowing the damn difference."

[Juniper]

A man walks up to a wishing well. Throws a quarter in and says "I want my dick to touch the ground"
Instantly his legs disappeared!!

[Juniper]

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died. For a start, she takes it up the ass now.

[Juniper]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea

>

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
>

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
"

-------------------------------------------------
>

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
>

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
>

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
>

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
>

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
>

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
>

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
>

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
>

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
>

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?"
>

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
>

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
>

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Juniper]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 14-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Juniper]

I remember, when I was a child, lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come......

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

[unstuck]

I remember, when I was a child, lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come......

Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Naughty santa.

[Juniper]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)

'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

(btw- "hangy-down thingy" is exactly how it was told to me.)

[GSW]

Rosey posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Paula "I think I'm going to see a dietician". Paula asked "Why?" Rosey answered "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Paula said "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

[Juniper]

Q - How do you crucify a spastic?

A - On a swastika.