What's your sickest joke?

**Juniper** · 24th July 2013, 06:44

What has 4 legs and one black arm ????

A very happy Pit-bull

**Juniper** · 24th July 2013, 06:45

Why is it so hard to solve a Redneck Murder ????

Because all of the DNA is the same and there are no dental records

**Juniper** · 26th July 2013, 06:54

A man goes into a restroom, walks over to the urinal and unzips. As he's relieving himself, a midget walks over with a step stool. The midget then proceeds to put the step stool next to the man, climbs up on it and stares at the mans genitals. The man asks, "What are you doing?" The midget replies, "Those are the nicest set of testicles I have ever seen. They hang so nice and look so smooth." The flattered by this thanks the midget. The man proceeds to put himself away when the midget says, "Wait! Would you mind if I touched them?" The man looks around seeing nobody says, "Sure, go ahead. Can't see anything wrong with it." The midget starts fondling and feeling the mans testicles. Then he gets a firm grip at the base and says, "Give me your wallet or I'll jump!"

**Juniper** · 26th July 2013, 06:57

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.

**Juniper** · 26th July 2013, 06:59

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $1000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

**Juniper** · 29th July 2013, 11:43

A dog asked a cat:
why do u hide when having sex?

And the Cat replied:
because we don't want humans to copy our style.
they've already copied Yours!..

**Juniper** · 29th July 2013, 11:48

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

**Swoop** · 29th July 2013, 12:06

An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.

"Hey, Handsome, how about it?"

"You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more."

"Ah, come on," says the whore, "it'll be really nice."

After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whore's bed he rides her like a fucking god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can't believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.

"Wow, old man," says the whore, exhausted, "that was such a great fuck. And you said you couldn't manage it any more?"

"Oh I can still fuck, Honey," says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay."

**MSTRS:Me** · 1st August 2013, 14:40

So the company that manufactured Thalidomide has finally apologised to victims.
I know a few people who won't be applauding.

**Drew** · 1st August 2013, 18:48

Originally Posted by MSTRS

So the company that manufactured Thalidomide has finally apologised to victims.
I know a few people who won't be applauding.

They won't be wiping their own arses with the apology letter either though.

**Juniper** · 7th August 2013, 06:42

In a recent nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled! I said to myself, aloud, "This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!"

"It's the pure and holy truth," whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God ..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo .... I'm bald!!! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap... Any job!" Mom? Dad? Nooooo Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker... Pacemaker??

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetie pie amigo, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to meet Obama?"

Say it isn't so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please.....

Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!"

**Juniper** · 7th August 2013, 14:52

One day, little Tommy is walking back home after school. He opens the front door, and sees his father banging his mother doggy-style on top of the kitchen table. With a nervous smirk, his father jumps down, and says, "We didn't realize you'd be home so early! Go downstairs, and I'll come talk to you in a few hours." Head hung low, little Tommy recedes down the stairs whimpering the whole way.

A few hours later, little Tommy's father comes downstairs to attempt to explain away what Tommy saw when he got home, when all of the sudden he sees little Tommy has his grandmother bent over the pool table, banging her. Little Tommy looks his father straight in the eyes and says, "Not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

**Juniper** · 8th August 2013, 11:05

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

**Akzle** · 8th August 2013, 18:38

Originally Posted by Juniper

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

shoulda given it some down under flavour, bunnings or placemakers