What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Friend says: "Chastity belts look like they are built for skinny women"

Daddy's response: "Well that's because with big women, they've got that fat hanging over they're waist, so they don't need one"

[unstuck]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.


What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Cot death.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.


What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.


What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.


Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."



Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."



Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

[Juniper]

"You stand here accused of some of the most violent and depraved sexual acts ever heard by this courtroom", said the judge. "During the past few weeks we have heard evidence from the 3 imprisoned girls with accompanying photographs and testimony which have caused some of the jurors to leave the courtroom in tears. The victims might perhaps one day be able to reintegrate into society but they will never forget the horrors of the last decade. How do you plead?"

All eyes in the courtroom turned to me. There was silence and I looked down at my shoes in shame. "Guilty", I whispered.

My lawyer rushed in behind me. "Dave", he said, "your parking fine is being heard in room 11, 3 doors down on the left".

[Juniper]

A man and his best friend are sitting on the sofa and love seat, respectively, arguing about the area of skin between their dick and their asshole. What is it called, a taint or a runway?

The man's wife come into the room, wondering what they are arguing about. The man says to his wife what is that area called between your dick and the asshole?

Wife replies.... The coffee table?

[Juniper]

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage up to say a few words to the big Maori.
Leaning over toward him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Maori leapt up with fire in his eyes and smacked the shit out of the little man, knocking him right off his stool.
He proceeded to beat him all the way across the bar and right out the door, leaving him battered and bruised in the parking lot, then returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought another beer to the Maori and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," said the Maori, "something about a job!"

[Crasherfromwayback]

A man and his best mate (the Fox Terrier) were out in butt fuck nowhere NZ, going for a walk. The sun came out...and it started to get well hot. Being not that well prepared for such heat....the guy was glad when he happened upon a local cnr pub proclaiming to serv the most refreshing Steinlager in NZ.

But as he was about to enter the joint, he saw a huge sign that said *No patches. no dogs, no exceptions!!!* Still...he was that thirsty (as was his wee mate) that he decided to have a go regardless. So he rocks on up to the bar and without batting an eye asks for a jug of Steinie, one glass and one bowl. The barman asks what the bowl is for of course...and as soon as the guy says it's so his best mate can have a cold beer too the barman loses his rag.

" Can't you read you stupid cunt???" he yells. "No fucking dogs allowed!!!" The guy is a bit shocked by this. He takes a look around...and what should he see? Patched Mongrel Mob members in the very next room palying pool and causing havoc!!! So he says to the barman... "Well yes I did see that sign, and I'm very sorry to have caused you any trouble!...but how is it you let patched gang members in here when the very same sign says no patches!!??"

The barman goes a lil quiet...then says in a quiet voice that they're too big bad and ugly to control...and that he's unable to get them to leave.

So the guy thinks for a minute...then says to the barman..."If my dog can get those nasty fuckers to piss off out of your establishment...could we both stay for that beer?"

The barman is "Of course of course you could!!! The fucking beers would be on the house even! The cunts have been causing thousands of dollars worth of damage every single week and scaring all of my regular customers away!!!" He then goes silent. "But hang on" he says..."How the fuck is that wee dog gonna scare those huge big gansters out of here?" "Never you mind" says the guy confidently. "Do we have a deal or not?" "hell yes!!" says the barman.

With that...the guy picks up his wee Foxy...points him in the direction of the Mobsters...then sets him lose! The fucking dog near tears up the carpet with his claws he's so keen to get into the next room! He jumps right through the plate glass panels on the door and attacks the closest gangster! Rips his throat out in fact. On to the next one...tears his ball bag off...without slowing down...jumps up onto the pool table and bites the next one on the face...uses his hind leg to kick another in the eye...and pisses in anothers face. By now...they all stagger out of the place bleeding profusely and freaking right out.

The barman is watching in awe...speechless. Then he gets it together and says " Steinies on the house as promised dude!!!"

So the guy sits on his bar stool savouring his beer...whilst his wee dog slurps his casually from a bowl on the floor. Minutes go by before the barmans curiousity gets the better of him and he asks..."How the fuck did you get your wee dog to be such a trained killer mate???"

The guy was like "Do you really want to know?". "hell yeah" said the barman. "ok then"...


"I've owned my wee dog since he was a tiny pup. Once I realised he was getting closer and closer to puberty...I used to put him up on the kitchen bench....and wank him off" The barman was like " you what you sick fuck!!!???"

The guy was like " I haven't finished my story yet!" "Oh sorry" says the barman.

"so anyway...I'd wank my little dog off. And as soon as he got close to blowing his bolt...












I'd bash him in the face with a gollywog"

[Rhys]

[Juniper]

Met this new Lady, when we were making love I said to her.... Tell me when you have an orgasm. She said.... Paul, I'm not going to start calling you at work!!!

[Juniper]

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up making love there and then. I just love my new taser

[Juniper]

Wanna hear a joke?



Woman's rights.

[unstuck]

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck off."

[Juniper]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None the dumb bitch can cook in the dark!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you already told her twice.

[Juniper]

A zebra died and went to heaven. Talking to St. Peter, the zebra asked, could you tell me.... am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

St Peter told the zebra to go ask God, and see what he says. A while later the zebra came back and said he still did not know. So St peter ask what God said and the zebra replied he told me "you are what you are"

St Peter said OK, that means your white with black stripes. The zebra asked "how do you know?" St. Peter answered "if you were black with white strips, God would have said You is what you is."

[Juniper]

Finish the joke:

What's the difference between a toilet and a woman?

Suggestions:
You can't get AIDS from a toilet.
A toilet always swallows.
I have respect for toilets.
You don't laugh after you shit in your toilets mouth.
You don't go to jail for punching your toilet.

What would be YOUR punchline?

[Paul in NZ]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Red, Fred and Bob. As they start their descent, Bob slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Fred says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife. Red says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser Fred says, 'Where did you get that beer, Red'

'Bob's wife gave it to me,' Red replies..

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Red says 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Bob's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'



A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to graduate."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, '...I would do... anything!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Yes,... Anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...... study?"



The wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.



· My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



· I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



· After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Screw it, soldier on!



· I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.



· Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.



· The other night, my wife asked me how many women Id slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



· My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!"



· A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.