What's your sickest joke?

[Madness]

~ So what do they do with all the skin they cut off when a male baby is circumcised ??? ~

~ They sell it to gay guys as chewing gum ~

Why did very few blacks survive the Zombie Apocalypse in the show “The Walking Dead?”

(Some Answers)

1. It’s impossible to quickly get your running shoes untangled from the telephone lines above the housing complex.

2. Zombies look like crack addicts… just assumed business was picking up.

3. Thought the Zombies were security guards following them through the store again.

4. Running without a belt… pants fall, you trip, you're dead.

5. Can’t buy ammunition with food stamps.

6. Chose to wait for “the government” to help.

7. With no “po-po” in sight, thought it was an excellent time to loot the electronic store for a Big Screen HD Television.

8. Decided to pick up some KFC for the road.

9. Had to swim to safety… gold chains weigh you down.

10. Mistook a Zombie for a drunken white girl when taking a quick “rape-break”.

11. Had to pass through rival gang territory to get to safety.

12. Time ran out after calling out LaShaquinbeyontaetae’s name… (Didn’t know where the other 10 kids were)

13. It’s “HARD WORK” to continue to survive after you have just out-run your entire family of baby mamas and kids.

14. Carjacking a getaway vehicle is difficult when the driver smiles and speeds up when they see you in the middle of the road.

15. No one left to deliver meals in prison.

16. Target practice.

Not sick, but don't wanna get flamed in the other thread

Why is Obama always surrounded by bulletproof glass!!!

Just cause he's a black guy, doesn't mean he is gonna shoot anyone...

Unstuck- don't know why but thought of you when I saw this.


From The Jailhouse


Q: How do you find out how strong a virgin is?
A: By how many men it takes to hold him down.

Q: How do you know someone's a virgin?
A: By how loud he screams when you penetrate him.

Q: How do you gauge a man's machismo?
A: By how loud a virgin screams when he penetrates him.

A young lady goes to the Doctors.
Young Lady. "Doctor you have to help me. Everytime I sneeze I orgasm."
Doctor. "What are you taking for it?"
Young Lady, "Pepper".

yeah i had an accident i ran into the back of this suv. the guy gets out and i see hes a midget. he storms over & says "i'm not happy " i said " well which one are you" oops !

And what about the alcoholic lesbian who got so drunk she couldn't hold her licker?

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

Ha! And you promised you'd never forget!

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now." The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." The first mother says, "He's a martyr now. "Oh, that's so sad, my dear." Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21. "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr. "Oh gracious me!", says the second mother. "And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year." "Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office.
After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, “I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.”I get asked that all the time. Making love is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

So Hymie and Louie are two school friends. They just happen to share the same brithday. They both turn ten over the weekend and on the Monday morning, at school, they show each other what they got as presents. Hymie got a brand new, multi-function watch that does everything including tell the time. Louie gets a hand gun, small enough to fit in his coat pocket. They lament that they are not totally happy with their presents and decide to swap. Louie goes home, after school, and shows his
Father that he swapped his gun for a watch. His Father is very angry and chastises
Louie accordingly and says to him. "Louie, my Son, when I buy you a present, I do it with a lot of thought and consideration for your future. You will get married one day to a beautiful woman. You will go to work and look after her and your children. One day you will come home early from work and find your lovely wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do? Ask him how long he is gonna be?"

Do you know any funny ones?

[haydes55]

What taps on glass every 12 seconds exactly?

...A baby in a microwave.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?

... The baby at the bottom eating it's way out.

Why is KFC in China tastier than in america?

... Kentucky Fried Children.

[Juniper]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black. And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims."

"My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'. "

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[GDOBSSOR]

A man had a dick 25 inches long. He was kinda sick of being over-endowed so went to a doctor who said he couldn't help him but suggested he tried a witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "There is a magic frog in the local forest. Ask her to marry you and each time she says no, your dick will shrink five inches."
Suits me, the man thinks, so off he goes to find the frog. When he finds her, he says, "Frog, will you marry me?"
She looks at him, disinterested at best, and says, "No."
His dick shrinks to 20 inches.
Again, he says, "Frog, will you marry me?"
She sighs, and says, "No!"
With a dick now 15 inches long, he thinks, great, if only I could get another 5 inches off, I'm all set!
He says, one last time, "Frog, will you marry me?"
She glares at him. "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU? NO, NO, NO!"

[Juniper]

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You
see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their
way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my
dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings,
my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed
normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta
go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The
peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of
which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed
any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous
effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off
angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing
the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the toilet, began the inevitable 'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound,
and disgustedly said, Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my
shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Mitre 10. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
The Pricks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[Juniper]

She was only.........

A Road-maker's daughter, but she always liked her Ashphalt.

A Cricketer's daughter, but she could always take a Full-toss in the Crease.

A Band-leader's daughter, but she always hummed in Ragtime.

A Signaler's daughter, but she 'Di-dit' because her 'Da-Da di-dit'.

A Stable Hand's duaghter, but all the Horse Menure.

Any body got any more?

[kevfromcoro]

she was only the chemists daughter..
but she let the farmer see

[NOD]

She was only the farmers daughter but she could not keep her calves together.

She was only the Captains daughter but she new what regiment.

[Robbo]

She was only the Accountant's daughter, but she sure knew how to keep her bottom line profitable.
She was only the Archer's daughter, but she knew how to make them quiver!
She was only the Baker's daughter, but she's got one in the oven for me!
She was only the Brewer's daughter, but that didn't stop her in the yeast.
She was only the Coal Miner's daughter, but she had lots of 'slag' in her slacks!
She was only the Ditch Digger's daughter, but I was firmly entrenched!
She was only the Fireman's daughter, but she knew how to handle a hose!
She was only the Fisherman's daughter, but when she saw my rod she reeled!
She was only the Fishmonger's daughter, she lay on the slab and said fillet!
She was only the Mechanic's daughter, but when she saw my nuts she bolted!
She was only the Meteorologist's daughter, but she knew how to give you a snow job!
She was only the Painter's daughter, but I wanted to give her brush a stroke!
She was only the Pilot's daughter, but she knew how to keep her cockpit clean!

[unstuck]

Funny how a self-examination for testicular cancer easily turns into a wank.

[TLDV8]

Hello I'm just ringing in sick.
Ohhh thats no good,how sick are you ?
Well I just woke up with my sister ?

[haydes55]

She was only the accupuncturists daughter, but she let me prick her

[Juniper]

Good: When you and Hubby decide no more children.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: When you find out your daughter has borrowd them.

Good: You take your daughter aside for the 'Birds and the Bees' talk.
Bad: She keeps on interupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: You find your Son studies a lot in his bedroom.
Bad: You find several Porn movies in there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your Husband understands fashion.
Bad: You find out he's a Cross-Dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

[Juniper]

Why don't a woman's guts fall out of her cunt? Because the vacuum in her head is holding it all in.

Wht can't women fart? Because they don't keep thie mouths closed long enough to build up the pressure.

If women are so good at multi-tasking why can't they have a headache and an orgasm at the same time. (Stolen from Billy Connoly.)

[Juniper]

So little Johnny (four years old) is out shopping with his Mum and Grandma. He says to Mum, "I have to go the the toilet."
Mum. "I'll take you."
Johnny. "No, I want Grandma to take me."
Mum. "Why can't I take you?"
Johnny."Because Grandma's hand shakes."