What's your sickest joke?

[Qkchk:Me]

Recently I was out with one of our drivers down in the deep south (he is a lovely chap) who suffers from Parkinsons. He is due for retirement soon and still very positive about life.

Told me that he was warned by his physio one day 'with Parkinsons, to never stand outside a school with you hands in your pockets'.

[Juniper]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

[Juniper]

"Please don't make me daddy. I don't like it!" My son whined, trying to wriggle free, "It smells of pee and tastes disgusting."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" I scolded, "Now stop being so silly and go and give your Nana a kiss."

[Juniper]

I remember the best piece of sex advice my Mum ever gave me.

"That's it, that's the spot, right there."

[Juniper]

I saw on the news...

That the media are now allowed to name rape suspects.

I'd like 'Nightstalker' if it's not already taken.

[Juniper]

My girlfriend has just been out and bought a dominatrix outfit.

Also known as a wedding dress.

[Juniper]

What's the height of bad taste?

Shoving five raw oysters up your gran's cunt but sucking out six.

[nadroj]

What's the sign of desperation?

Teeth marks in the toilet seat!

[Juniper]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[Drew]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Fucken Honda riders.

[Juniper]

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one
night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to
the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got
half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't
good enough -- take him to another one. The cabby took him to another
bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy
what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember
where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet
seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place," said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door
until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender,
"Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red
door and a golden toilet seat."

The bartender hollered to the back, "HEY, FRED. HERE'S THAT SON OF A
BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT."

[Juniper]

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" yells the President.

"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about
it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

[Juniper]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[Superboss]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Good one


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[Juniper]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him;

'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!