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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #751
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    My new girlfriend just said

    "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms, What about you?"

    I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away!"
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  2. #752
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    I went for a testicle check up last week.

    The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said,"Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure."

    I said "But I haven't got an erection"

    She replied "No, but I have !"
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  3. #753
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    Just received a parcel from Holland today

    I opened it up and there was a Rubber fanny inside!

    I thought: That's nice, Two-lips from Amsterdam
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  4. #754
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    This Halloween I spent all my time eating Candy

    But now she's gone back to being a pole dancer because of her 'daddy issues'.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  5. #755
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    Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  6. #756
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    I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, "Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!"

    "Just relax." I said, "You might like it."

    "Relax?" she screamed, "What the fuck is Dave doing here?"
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  7. #757
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    A guy with a gun enters a bar

    "Who the fuck had sex with my wife", he snarled

    A voice was heard in the background....

    "You don't have enough bullets mate!".......
    “- He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.”

  8. #758
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    Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

    Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

    'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

    'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
    'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
    I'll be there. Thanks again.'

    'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

    'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  9. #759
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    So they do fuck goats !

    Well ,you did want the sickest ? !

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=dP4w8ePtbPA

  10. #760
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    A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
    "What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
    "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
    so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
    "You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
    "Of course you can" the assistant replied,
    "Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  11. #761
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    I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
    A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
    I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

    Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
    Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

    I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
    Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.

    A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
    I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

    I walked past a maori kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'
    I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'

    Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
    I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

    An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
    A man asks What is wrong??
    The boy says Me ma is dead
    Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??
    The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.

    I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
    Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

    Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m having that.

    Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I??
    The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket.

    I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
    The answer I should have given was Fiji.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  12. #762
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    A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here." The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink." The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!" "No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Spot here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. "Now, can I have my drink." says the dog. The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards." "Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves. Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Spot going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, "Spot! What are you doing! You've never done this before!" The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  13. #763
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    Little Ralphy and Claudia are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ralphy goes to Claudia's father to ask him for her hand.

    Ralphy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Claudia are in love
    and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ralphy, you are only 10..Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Ralphy replies, "In Claudia's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
    Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Claudia."

    Again, Ralphy instantly replies, "Our allowance, Claudia makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month,so that should do us just fine."

    Ralphy has put so much thought into this. "Well Ralphy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

    Ralphy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr. Smith no longer thinks this wise ass little shithead is so adorable.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  14. #764
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    I'm not racist, I have a color TV.

    Why does helen keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other

    Have you heard about the new car designed by the Jews? It stops on a dime and then picks it up.

    What do u call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro cinco.

    How many irish does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two! One to hold it in place and the other to drink intill the room spins.

    Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.

    How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

    What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

    What do fags call their balls? "Mud flaps"

    What happens when you stick your hand in a bowl full of black jelly beans? You get your watch stolen.

    What's long and hard on a black man? The first grade.

    Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio' s face and said "lie to me!"

    What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury dough boy? A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

    How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.

    What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work? Slap her.

    What do you call a gay guy in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll up.

    If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.

    What do priests and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little boy's rooms with empty sacks.

    What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp.

    LAST BUT NOT LEAST, ONE FOR kINKLU AND MYSELF

    How many times does a redneck laugh at a joke? Three times: Once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he finally gets it.
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

  15. #765
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    Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

    The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

    Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."

    Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you ?"
    What's the point in living if you don't feel alive?

    Toying with ones mortality shouldn't be this much fun.

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