What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

The creative writing class at my school is writing children's books. This is a list the teacher made of books not to write.

[Juniper]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s
been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he
finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying
the wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her, kisses her
neck..., then gets up and goes into the
bathroom
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He’probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you,too.”

[Juniper]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

[Juniper]

Superman is on his way to a large reunion of superheroes being
held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late; his
clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight. As he
approaches his table, his good friend Batman yells, "Hey, Man of Steel,
what happened to you?"
"Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but I was zipping along the
coastline, making great time, when suddenly I look down and there, lying
naked on the Jacksonville beach, was Wonder Woman!"
"Wow!" says Robin. "What did you do?"
"What do you think I did, kid? Her legs were spread, so I figured I
was in like Flynn. I dove down like an eagle and jumped her bones!"
"Boy, I bet she was surprised," said Batman.
Superman smiles weakly and says, "Yeah, she was; but not as
surprised as the Invisible Man was."

.................................................. .

Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel.
The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he
can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's
throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's
lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman
stationed in front of the
hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground.
Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes
into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with
her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too,
lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself
off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold.
A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and
manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer
Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as
he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground.
"I don't honestly know, sir. All I know is that drained wops keep
falling on my head."

...............................................

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my
right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left
thigh. And I want them both looking at my pussy."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down
and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits
up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street
he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart.
"Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says,
"I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the
middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

[Juniper]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.

She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

[Juniper]

One day Connie was talking to one of her friends about her husband's drinking habits. "Every night it's the same thing. Bob comes home drunk at 3am, slams the door, pukes in the sink and then comes to bed. I can't stand it! I wish I knew what to do."

Her friend says "You know my husband used to do the same thing. Then one night I skinned a dead cat and left it in the sink. When he came home he thought he puked up his guts and it scared him out of ever drinking again."

So Connie decides to try it. She finds a dead cat, skins it, throws it in the sink, goes to bed, and waits for Bob. At 3am she hears the door slam, retching, and then her husband's horrified "OH NO!!"

A little while later Bob shuffles into the bedroom, pale and shaking. Connie asks him what's wrong. He tells her "I came home drunk and puked up my guts... But by the grace of god and the help of my spoon, they're back in again!"

[Juniper]

I've never seen child porn but I presume it's quite cute..

A kid dressed as a plumber with a fake mustache would make me go, "Awww".

[avgas]

Looking at the local supermarket I noticed everything was "grain fed". Turns out only the pigs were free-range. Don't worry they only shoot the blacks.

In the battle of Gettysburg, Nurses from all over the country came to help. Turns out there is a misinterpretation of the telegraph message. "Gettysburg, assistance needed for 1000's of stiffs".
To make the situation worse - the last ones to come to the party was tall Lincoln and a big, black man. Also the camera didn't work properly either.

[Superboss]

Looking at the local supermarket I noticed everything was "grain fed". Turns out only the pigs were free-range. Don't worry they only shoot the blacks.

In the battle of Gettysburg, Nurses from all over the country came to help. Turns out there is a misinterpretation of the telegraph message. "Gettysburg, assistance needed for 1000's of stiffs".

To make the situation worse - the last ones to come to the party was tall Lincoln and a big, black man. Also the camera didn't work properly either.

The first and last joke makes no sense at all. Don't think you copied all the text or something lol




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[Juniper]

A man walks into a brothel and asks for a mean woman, one who can take abuse and pain. The madam assures him she can fill his need with a blonde, brunette or redhead. He said "send me a blonde." A blonde comes to his room and he slaps her real hard. She runs from the room crying in pain. "Send me a brunette" he screams at the madam, "I need a mean woman!" In comes the brunette who takes the slap easily, so he reaches up under her skirt and yanks on her pubic hair so hard she cries in agony and runs out of the room. He screams at the madam to send her meanest redhead to his room. Red walks in apologizing and assuring him that she can do the job. He slaps her and all she does is smile. He twists the shit out her nipple and she winks at him & asks for more. He yanks on her pubic hair and she blows him a kiss. He says "You're the one for me, get naked and jump in bed. I'll be right back with a six pack and we'll have some fun." He returns to find her naked and bent over holding her ankles in the middle of the room. "What's this shit? I told you to get naked and get in bed!"
She replies, looking over her shoulder at him, "You want to open those bottles, don't you?"

[Juniper]

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A: "Please, no stories!"
Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Q: You know what's fun about being sober?
A: Nothing.
Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light?
A: He's the one dancing like an asshole!
Q: How do you know a man is really really gay?
A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light!

[Juniper]

1. If you refine heroin for a living,
but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand
but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles:
Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone
you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous
but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women
and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.

[Juniper]

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, “What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?”, to which the other replies, “Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole.”

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. “That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!”

To which the other crew member replies, “Yeah, you can every day except Thursday.” Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, “Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday.”

[Juniper]

A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?” “What? You’re crazy!” “Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem…” “No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor…” “At this time of the night no one will show up.” “I’ve already said NO, and NO.” “Honey, it’s just a small blowie… I know you like it too.” “NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!” “My love… don’t be like that..” At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, “Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

[Banditbandit]

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon.."

"Why father ?" he asked

"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied