What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.”

The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

.........................
Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.

.........................
A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl, what do you want for Christmas this year?”

The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”
.......................
Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.

.................
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

....................
Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
................

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
.......................

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

[Juniper]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.............

"It's a puppy!

[Juniper]

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A Shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mummy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vagin. His mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".

[Juniper]

'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'
-
Respect where it's due...
-
That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!

[Juniper]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[MSTRS:Me]

I walked into my nans bedroom and caught her sucking my grandads cock. I said "Aaarrrgh nan that's disgusting". She said "No it's not, it's perfectly normal" I said "No nan its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him".

[GSW]

Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum need some advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum in my hair, how do I get it out, will I have to cut it out?" Mum replies: "Hi, it's nice you can send me such a frank text without feeling embarrassed, no you won't have to cut it out, I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years, it'll just wash out. Reply text from daughter: "Oh my god, I meant to spell GUM!"

[Juniper]

Bob went out to the bar one night and started drinking tequila. Before long, he'd downed a dozen or so shots and staggered on home.

The next day Bob returns to the same bar. He's all hungover, pale and shaky. He says to the bartender "oh man, I got so fucking drunk last night!". The bartender agrees. Bob continues "After I left here, I went home and blew chunks". The bartender says "Yeah man, I'm not surprised you puked after all that tequila".

Bob says "No, you don't get it. Chunks is my dog."

[Juniper]

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill..

One from her surgeon, to say all went well,

One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her,

One from little Johnny in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!!

[Juniper]

Ive just seen a bunch of dyslexic Africans.

They've been putting flowers at the door of Nissan Maindealers.

[Juniper]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!"

[Juniper]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Juniper]

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone

When she bent over
Rover drove her
And gave her a bone of his own!

[Juniper]

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
cause Jill's a fucking tranny.

[Juniper]

Unstuck, one for you:

Gatiep And Gamat were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, Gatiep And Gamat were in court, and the judge said to Gammat, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 20 people to give up drugs forever." "20 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to Gatiep) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 500 people to give up drugs forever." "500 people?! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison....o and the Big Circle O is your asshole after prison..."