What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Teenaged little Johnny was walking down the street and a girl approach him, "hey, wanna have a good time?"
"Sure," Johnny says and they are off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and Johnny keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
Little Johnny replies, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

[MSTRS:Me]

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect cock and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared in wide eyed disbelief, then breaking the nervous silence I spoke "Yes that seems to fit okay, I'll take the whole packet please"...

[MSTRS:Me]

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $2 in her purse.

[husaberg]

[MSTRS:Me]

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?" "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says. "No... Barbie cums with GI Joe! She only fakes it with Ken..."

[husaberg]

Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a Guinea Pig?

So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it.

[husaberg]

Why don't women have any brains?

Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

[thehollowmen]

Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a Guinea Pig?

So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it.

I'll just leave this here for you with a box of tissues: http://www.realhamster.com/

[Juniper]

And I'm back....


Two Nuns are driving along in their mini one night when suddenly a vampire lands on the car
"Quick" says the first Nun, "show it your cross"
The second Nun, slowly wound down the window, leaned out and said
"Get off the fucking bonnet mother fucker"

[Juniper]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day.!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the
gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.< BR>
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the ! next day, riding in the boat when
they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or
down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady," Up
or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were fuck or drown!"

[Juniper]

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

[Juniper]

"My father-in-law made me feel really uncomfortable on a recent trip to a day spa."

"Ask some personal questions did he?"

"Nah, he slipped a finger up my arse in the jacuzzi."

[Juniper]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[Juniper]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking.

[Juniper]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes
the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is
that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's
the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What
have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve
some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and
grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that
again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I
can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"