What's your sickest joke?

**caspernz** · 20th January 2014, 11:59

A blonde, brunette and a redhead get into the elevator of a 24 storey apartment block.

The brunette points to a suspicious looking wet stain on the elevator floor and says: "That looks like spunk!"

The redhead leans down and sniffs it, then says: "Yeah that smells like spunk."

Finally the blonde dips her finger in the wet spot, then announces: "Yes it's spunk, but not from anyone in this building."

**Juniper** · 21st January 2014, 08:53

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

**Juniper** · 21st January 2014, 08:53

Why did Hitler commit suicide ?

He saw the gas bill

**Juniper** · 21st January 2014, 08:54

A Muslim walks into a bar......

No one survived the blast.

**Juniper** · 21st January 2014, 08:54

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

**Juniper** · 21st January 2014, 08:59

A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "Who's been ******g my wife?"
A voice in the back shouts " You don't have enough bullets!"

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of
"Don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore bum. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper
"Nah then, lad, does tha' sell arse cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " Aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping
in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help". So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Dan is brilliant.
He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance
about it?. Does he hell!

**husaberg** · 22nd January 2014, 18:14

The sick list don't say i haven't warned you not to read it.

In no particular order

My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "Cunt!" at my grandmother. .
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
25 autistics I think are faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.

**husaberg** · 22nd January 2014, 18:15

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

And the guy says "Oh, no: I never found her head."

**Juniper** · 23rd January 2014, 08:52

I joined a dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most, and I replied,".Girls from page 3".

I wondered why,I had no replies, until I noticed the letter"P" wasn't working on my fucking keyboard!

**Juniper** · 23rd January 2014, 08:54

A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present. The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you your baby is black. The woman says "Well I was in desprate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black." The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of my business. The woman didnt seem to mind. The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes. The woman says "They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and she needed the money." The nurse brings the woman her baby and the mother turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry. The nurse yelled "What the hell are you doing?" The woman looks the nurse square in the eyes and says "I wanted to make sure it didn't bark too."

**husaberg** · 23rd January 2014, 16:37

There once was a male model who had everything a man could ever want.
money, fame, fast cars, women, well lots of women, lots of young women of all shapes and sizes, virgins, sluts, whores, you name it.he was the man. Then one day he thought to himself "hey, its kinda getting boring
with all the same old crap"! "especially all these hot chicks". so what the guy desides to do is, pick up the ugliest, oldest, wierdest, grossest, most god awful woman he could find and give her the time of her life.

so the guy goes from bar to bar to bar looking for the right woman. but he just cant seem to find her. so he calls it a night and makes his way to the front door of the bar, when he catches a whiff of something that smells like spoiled tuna on fresh sh!t. then she walks in, an 87 year old barfly who would do anything for a dollar. the man almost throws up but manages to say to himelf "thats the one!" well the guy takes her to his house wines her and dines her and one thing leads to another and next thing you know, their totally naked on the floor. making hot sweaty skin slapping sounds. and he proceeds to fondle, kiss, and suck on her breasts. and while he's doing that, a warm sweet liquid comes out of her boob. he instantly pulls back and screams "hey lady, arent you a little old to have breast milk"?
and she replies "YES, but not too old to have breast cancer"!