What's your sickest joke?

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Q: What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumband blind girl?
A: Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

A: Call her on the phone.

Q: (hold hands out like a crucifiction) What's this?
A: A really bad way to spend easter

Q: what do you get if you put a baby in a microwave?
A: an erection.

What did OJ Simpson say to Judge Ito after the trial was over?
"Can I have my glove back now please?

Did you hear that OJ's getting married again?
He said he's going to have another stab at it.

what's blue and green and doesn't fit anymore?
a dead epileptic.

bloke goes to a prostitute and says i'm skint can I shag you for a tenner?
so she's not had a better offer all night so she says 'well ok then.'
Anyway, avoiding the gory details, after they've finished doing business, the bloke gives her 20 quid and says 'if i'd known you were a virgin I would have offered 20 anyway.' to which the prostitute replies 'if i'd known you had a twenty i'd have taken my tights off first!'

why did Fred West's first wife leave him?
she was sick of having the kids under her feet all day.

Q: How do the police know that Fred West's victims were female?
A: They were all wearing foundation.

when they tried to sell Fred West's house
it was advertised as 3up 25down

Fred West was a successful businessman....
all those people under him....

Q. What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your trousers?
A. Your Nan

Whats ten feet long and smells of piss?
a. old people doing the conga!

How do you get a baby into an ashtray?
A mincer.
How do you get it out again?
Doritos

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Man walks into the bathroom and sees his 15 year old son polaying with himself. He says "What the fuck do you think you are doing? At your age I was out shagging loads of women! Now, if you get laid today, I'll give you a tenner."
So the boy goes out, and comes back later. Dad: "Did you get laid then?"
Boy: "Yes Dad!"
Dad: "So who did you shag then?"
Boy: "My grandma."
Dad: "You fucked my mother?"
Boy: "Well, you fucked mine..."

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How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in petrol *before* you set fire to it.
How to you make a dog go Miaaaow?
Freeze it and put it through a band saw.

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What do vegetarian maggots eat?
Linda McCartney

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Q: What's the difference between a magician and a stripper?
A: One has a cunning stunt.

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q: Who killed more indians than general custer?
a: union carbide

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How did Jon Pertwee's wife find out that he'd died?
She woke up next to Tom Baker.

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Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley split up?
Because they had different ideas on rearing children

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There are two pedophiles sitting on a park bench when a young 12 year old girl skips past. "Ahhhh..." said one looking at her wistfully, "I bet she was a real stunner when she was at her prime"

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wee boy wakes up in the middle of the night and goes through to his parents room.Mummy and daddy are having sex, so the wee boy thinks "Oh great, horsey rides" so he jumps onto his fathers back, then his mum starts screaming and wailing, moaning and groaning. So the wee boy says "hold on daddy, this is where the milkman and I usually get thrown off!!"

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Whats the difference between a grayhound and a paedophial??
A grayhound waits for the hare(hair).

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What's the difference between a chicken drumstick and a penis?
I don't know
Do you wanna come for a picnic?

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How do you make a dead baby float?
?
One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby..

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Kid. - "Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl?"
Mummy. - "Shut the fuck up and flush!!"

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Kid. - "Mummy mummy why do I keep running around in circles?"
Mummy. - "Shut it or i'll nail you're other foot to the floor!!"

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Mummy, mummy, I'm 18 now, can I wear a bra?
No you can't, Anthony

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A little boy saw 2 rabbits shagging in his back yard and asked his mummy what they were doing. "Why, there just having there bacon and eggs" she replied.
So the boy is happy with this for a while, until he sees 2 dogs bonking in the street outside and he asks his mummy what they're doing. "There having there bacon & eggs, son" she says.
The next day, the mothers feeling a bit randy and goes upstairs with her husband to do the obvious. When she comes down, her son is standing there grinning and says "I know what you've been doing...you've been having your bacon and eggs!"
The mother looks a bit embarrassed, and says "What? How do you know that, then?"
"Because you've got fat running down your leg"

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this girl asked me to give her twelve inches and make her bleed so I shagged her twice and then punched her in the face

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what's silver, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss out of you?
a dialysis machine.

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picture the scene, man giving his girlfriend cunnilingus
bloke: 'boy you've got a big pussy! boy you've got a big pussy!' woman: 'why did you say that twice?
' bloke: 'i didn't'

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Which of the following doesn't belong?(a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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There's this eskimo crossing the arctic circle when suddenly, his jet ski breaks down. So he calls a mechanic, who takes a look and says 'Oh dear! looks like you've blown a seal.' So the Eskimo says 'No that's just some snow on my top lip'


What have money & women got in common...?
They're both very nice to come into.

Whats the difference between Lady Di and Michael Hutchence?
Michael Hutchence wore a belt.

Lesbian Dinosaur - Lickalotofpus
Gay Dinosaur - Makeasorearse

One girl says to her best friend, "My boyfriend is SO sweet!"
She replies, "I always thought he tasted salty."

How do you know if a barmaid hates you?
String in your bloody mary


A newly-married couple jet off on honeymoon and arrive at their hotel.
"The honeymoon suite, please", says the bridegroom. "Any reservations, sir?", asks the receptionist. "Well, she won't take it up the ar$e"

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