What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[Juniper]

A blind walks into a bar
And a table
and a chair

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off

Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere

You Gotta hand it to blind Prostitutes

What did the leper say to the Prostitute?
Keep the tip

Freudian Slip-
When you say one thing but mean your mother

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Its so hard to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs
they take everything so literally

[Juniper]

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it
in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the fuckin asshole that pushed me in the
pool!'

[Juniper]

Why are Rodeo cowboys a Lousy Lay?
.

They think 8 seconds is a long ride

[Juniper]

"It's Christmas morning!" Jimmy realizes, as he jumps out of bed, no hint of sleepiness remaining. Down the stairs the 10-year-old runs, to a tree that is nearly overflowing with presents. Seemingly paralyzed by the overwhelming display before him, Jimmy takes a few seconds to take it all in before grabbing a random present with his name and tearing it open voraciously. A Wii U system! He tears open another box: a brand new remote control car! There's another enormous box! a Playstation 4 too! And it doesn't end, Jimmy eventually unwraps 10 games for each system, a train set, Lego Mindstorms, and a laptop from Mom and Dad.

an hour later, laying amidst the tattered wrapping paper remains of what was the best Christmas ever, he looks over at his 8-year-old brother Billy, who is quietly sitting on the couch playing with his new fire engine. he notices that Billy has no other toys. Jimmy pipes up, "Boy, you sure didn't get a lot of presents from Santa this year!"

Billy looks up, and says, "At least I don't have cancer."

[Juniper]

An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Juniper]

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

[Juniper]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by
the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning
Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin'
down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said
to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de
road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and
Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now, wot da fock would you say?'

[Juniper]

I bought some antique farm equipment today at the auction " 10 Niggers and a whip!!"

[Juniper]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks...this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

[Juniper]

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control......this is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms, ASAP, to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 inches long and 4 inches in diameter?" asked Putin.

"No problem," replied the President. With that, George W. hung up the phone and then called the President of the Acme Condom Company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms over to Russia right away."

"Consider it done," said the CEO of Acme.

"Great! Now listen. They have to be red in color, 10 inches long, and 4 inches in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said Bush. "On each one print the words 'MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE: SMALL."

[Juniper]

what's the best thing about being a test tube baby ?

a womb with a view

what's the worst thing about being a test tube baby ?

you know your dad is a real wanker

[Juniper]

The difference between love lust and showing off

swallowing
spitting and

GARGLING

[Juniper]

My new north Korean wife is really trying hard to fit in, she made a pie from scratch today, I'm gutted I really loved that dog,

[Juniper]

A Muslim farmer walks into his wife's bedroom with a goat under his arm and says, "Just wanted to show you the pig I've been screwing behind your back."

The wife says, "that's not a pig you fool, its a goat."

The Muslim farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."