What's your sickest joke?

[husaberg]

Whats black and white and goes to bed hungry?

heath ledgers cat.

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If the answer is cockrobin,what is the question?

Whats that up my arse batman!!

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They found Heath Ledger's suicide note. Titled "10 Things I Hate About Me"

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Patrick Swayze has just turned down the oppertunity to star in Dirty Dancing (The sequel).

Apparently he is trying to hold on for a few more months to star in Ghost 2.

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Pavarotti met Princess Di in heaven. "I'd love to have a halo as big as yours" says the Tenor. "Fuck off Fatty" says Di, "it's not a halo it's a steering wheel."

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Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "get this out of me, give me the drugs."
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "you did this to me you fucker."
He replies casually, "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said fuck off it'll be too painful."

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A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

---

[husaberg]

deserves to be by itself


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me, "oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes, now fuck off you cunt!"

[caspernz]

Why Was Michael Jackson, like caviar?

Caviar Comes on little crackers.
)

I'm still upset that Michael Jacksons' doctor got in trouble for killing a child molester

[husaberg]

Did you hear about the Jewish paedophile?
He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little girl, wanna buy some candy?"

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Man comes home to find his 17 year old daughter with a pink dildo up her "What the fuck are you doin!" he shouts " well you wont let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute" she explains

The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a pink dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer. "What the fuck are you doin!" she shouts he replys " having a beer with your boyfriend

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hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the Jap guy

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank

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Austrian Jozef Fritzl is writing a new book. Critics are doubting though, whether it will be a best cellar.

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An Austrian jounalist asked a neighbour how long he had known josef Fritzels daughter alice. "Alice?" he replied " who the fuck is alice, u mean for 24 years iv been living next door to alice!"

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I have just bought an austrian womens diary off e-bay.
Monday - stayed in
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - stayed in
Thursday - stayed in
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in
Sunday - stayed in

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How do you know your teacher is a paedo?

Your homework comes back and HE'S drawn a cock on it.

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Why do scotsmen have blue willies?

Because they are tight fisted wankers.

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what do you do when your wife wants to talk to you?
remove the duct tape.

[husaberg]

Not My Kind Of Date

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

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After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

---

Had wank over my ex-girlfriend last night , i know its wrong but i still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper

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An interesting fact, Tiger Woods and Lewis Hamilton shared the same nick name at school ..........

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How do you know that the local council designed the female genitals?

Well who else would put a play area next to a shithole?

[Hashbandicoot]

Q: Why do you put a dead baby into a blender feet first?
A: So you can cum on its face.

[gjm]

OK, so if you're seeing this you're unlikely to be offended by it...

[husaberg]

Old MacDonald had Tourettes e-i e-i CUNT

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I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.

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I love to have sex with a bird that has Tourette's, it makes my neighbours think I'm great in bed!

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I went to the doctor's today and I was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome.

I'm not too bothered about it - I think everyone's a cunt anyway.

---

I'm over at my mates getting stoned when his Mum comes in, winks in my direction, mouths the words 'Fuck me', and heads off into the kitchen. Sneaking out, I follow her through. Again, she whispers 'fuck me'. In a flash, I whip down her skirt and knickers, and start fucking her like crazy. You should have heard some of the filth coming out of her mouth. She was loving it.

Anyway, the following day I get a knock at the door. It's my mate and he looks angry. "What do you think you're doing raping my Mum!"

"Woah, it wasn't like that" I insist.

Tearfully, he replies, "This is all she needs. First tourettes, and now this!"

---

My wife has that weird thing that makes you shout out random nonsense.

A vagina.

---

[husaberg]

3 Irish men walk into a cafe and start wanking, waitress shouts , "oy, what the fuck do you think your doing , ?" paddy points to the sign , 1st come , 1st served.


aaaand I keep getting my profile rejected by match.com, one of the questions is what do you want in a woman, apparently, My cock, is not an acceptable answer...


Woman runs in to a police station crying her eyes out, " ive been graped" she said.
"Dont you mean raped"? replied the officer.
"no, there was a bunch of them"


Woman gets rushed to hospital crying that her fanny has been stretched that much it nearly ripped her in two, " i was raped by an elephant" she told the nurse.
"thats strange, elephants dont have this big a penis" replied the nurse.
" i know, but it fingered me first"

Kadark buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
Kadark doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
Kadark hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'

[husaberg]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators.



Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

What do you do if you see an epiliptec having a seizure in the bathtub?
-Grab your clothes and do some laundry...

Enjoy...

Doctor to patient- " i have good and bad news"
patient- "whats the bad news?"
doctor- " we've had to remove both of your legs"
patient- "christ, whats the good news?"
doctor- " we've sold your slippers."

doctor says to patient- "i have good and bad news"
Patient- "whats the good news doc?"
doctor- "your tumour has gone!"
patient- "whats the bad news?"

doctor- "the cancer has eatten it."

Doctor to patients husband- "Unfortunately sir, your wife has either Alzheimers or Aids."
Patients husband- "how do i find out which she has? what should i do?"
Doctor- "drop her off 10 miles away from home and leave her there, if she finds her way home, dont fuck her."

Beer without alcohol is like eating your sisters pussy... Taste´s the same but it just don´t feel right...

What do you call a black Pirate?



A Pirate! you fucking racists!

Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?




A: A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!!!

What does GAY stand for? Got Aids Yet?

What does AIDS stand for? Arse Injected Death Sentance

What's the best thing about fucking a 3 year old?
Kicking him to death afterwards.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are sitting next to each other on a train when the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and says, “Your people really Got your ass kicked in WWII” the confused Chinese man said, “I am Chinese not Japanese, we didn’t get our ass kicked in WWII it was the Japanese”

The Jewish man replied, “Chinese, Japanese, you people are all the same”
The Chinese man now offended and upset took a few moments then said, “You Jews are not perfect, your people sank the Titanic”

The Jewish man quickly said, “You fool an Iceberg sank the Titanic”
The Chinese man said, “Iceberg, Weinberg, Steinberg, hell you are all the same”

[husaberg]

A priest is on duty in the confessional and desperately needs to take a piss. He looks around and finds a young nun and asks her to sit in for him.

Nun: "Is there anything I need to know?"

Priest: "Just listen to whatever their sins are, look it up on this list and give them the penance listed. It's easy! "

So the nun takes over, and it's going according to plan. Ten Hail Mary's here, a Rosary there...

After a while, a girl enters the confessional and says that she has given her boyfriends 5 blowjobs since her last confession. "Blowjob" is not on the sin list, so the nun opens the door to see if anyone is around. She is happy to find an alter boy and asks "What does Father Phil give for blowjobs!?!?!"

"Usually a Snickers bar... but he give me a soda also to wash down the taste!" said the alter boy proudly.

[Juniper]

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.

Q: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow!

Why do the police in Prague travel in threes?
They need one who is able to read, another who can write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
Free ham.

How did the Redneck woman know that her daughter was having her period?
She could taste the blood on her son's penis.

[Juniper]

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?

The dishes if she knows what's good for her!

[Juniper]

Two women are sitting out on the patio having a conversation.

Woman one asks woman 2, "How many calories are in cum?

Woman two sits and thanks for a minute, scratches her head and replies, "If you're sucking that much dick that you have to worry about it... I don't think anyone's going to care if you're a little chubby."

[Juniper]

My racist jokes are getting a lot of dislikes today.

It's almost as if hundreds of niggers have all got new laptops or something.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

I listened as this couple discussed the options before them.
"Shall we go for yellow again?" she asked.
"I was thinking of something darker, maybe a light brown, you know, to match the curtains," he replied.
"We could try something really dark, what about black this time?" she asked again.

It was at that point I asked Mr Pitt and Ms Jolie to continue their discussion outside of the orphanage.

I told my son he was adopted today, he went crazy and fucked my wife.

Imagine his response when I tell him I was only joking.

"Oh yeah! Who's your fucking daddy! Yeah thats right, im your fucking daddy! Say it! Say im your daddy, you little slut! Before i give you a good hard spanking!"

"Umm... Actually Mr. Thomas, im starting to doubt whether you are fit enough to adopt. Please hand over the child."

Dear Elton.

If you're going to jump on the celebrity bandwagon and adopt an orphan, can I suggest you go for a nigger. Far more controversial, and they've got bigger dicks.

Regards,

Madonna.

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $25

Tub of Vaseline: $5

XL Box of Tissues: $3

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.

Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to her that she had won 5 Grammys and not 5 Grams.

Me and my dad were at the zoo earlier when he made a ridiculous comparison. He said, "Those screaming monkeys sound like Nicki Minaj."

I told him to apologise to the monkeys immediately.