What's your sickest joke?

[slofox]

"How did the Redneck woman know that her daughter was having her period?
She could taste the blood on her son's penis."

Holy fuck - who writes this shit..?

[husaberg]

A gay walks into a proctologist's office for an appointment. During the exam with the handsome doctor, the gay gets a stiffy and moans a lot.

The doctor is pissed and kicks him out of the office.

Two days later, the gay returns and apologizes. The doctor has his doubts but consents to see him anyway. This exam ends the same way as the last one. Kicked out again...

A few more days pass and the gay returns to the doctors office one more time. The doctor says "NO!", but then is reminded of his oath to help, cure and comfort. He tells the gay that this is the last time... any funny business and he'll call the cops.

On the exam table, the doctor is surprised to actually find a blockage and proceeds to work it loose. It turns out to be a dozen long-stemmed roses, thorns and all... He asks the gay how they could have possibly gotten in there, to which the gay responds

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"READ THE CARD!!!!!!"





3 blokes on a camping trip are asleep in a tent together.

In the morning, the bloke on one side says "I had a really vivid dream that I was being tossed off."

"Really?" says the bloke on the other side. "So did I".

The bloke in the middle says "I dreamt that I was skiing"




Gary Glitter was reported to be very unhappy when the in-flight movie screened on his flight from Vietnam was not the version of '3 Men and a Baby' he had in his own personal collection.



A man walks into a pub and is astonished to see a horse standing in the center of the room with a sign above it's head, saying "Make the horse laugh, £100!" He thinks about it a second, then tells the bartender, "I'd like to take a crack at that." So, he saunters over to the horse and whispers in his ear. Sure enough, that horse is laughing so hard there's tears streaming out of his eyes and he's fallen to his knees. The man collects his money and walks out.
A week or so later, the man returns to the pub to find the horse standing there with a sign above him that says "Make the horse cry, £100!" The man goes over to the bartender, without even ordering his first drink and says, "I'd like to take a crack at that, but first, is it okay if I take 'im 'round back?"
The bartender says, "Ya' won't be harmin' my horse, now, will ya'?"
"Nah, man... It's just that it's kind of a private thing between us." So, the bartender gives his permission for him to lead him out back. He peeks out the window and sure enough, that horse is sobbing his eyes out. After the horse composes himself, the man leads him back inside and goes to collect his money. Just before he turns to walk out, the bartender stops him and asks, "So, what exactly did ya' do, man? I've never seen anything like that in m'life!"
"It was simple," he replied. "To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger cock than he did. To make him cry, I proved it!"


How do you give a feminist Freedom of Speech?
Take your dick out her mouth!


Gary Glitter is flying straight to America to check in to the Betty Ford clinic, in the hope of ridding him self of his 12 year old crack addiction.


What did Gary Glitter say to Michael Jackson?
I'll swap you two 5's for a 10.


How about, Gary Glitter, swallowed a cabinet, pee'd a file.


Tom Cruise, his wife and kids have invited Gary Glitter to a sail out on their luxury yacht until all of the heat dies down. Gary is delighted..."I can't wait to come on a little cruise" he said

It is now illegal to wear your clothes on the wrong part of your body.

Take Gary Glitter for example; he was jailed for putting a Thai on his cock

If all the Smarties eaten worldwide in one year were laid end to end...

They would lead all the way to Gary Glitter's house in Thailand

What's Gary Glitter's girlfriend getting for Christmas?

Pubes.


Gary Glitter bought 10 cases of Glenfiddich scotch whiskey today, because the salesman told him it was a cheeky little 12yr old that goes down well ,



What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?




A stick.

[husaberg]

Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

You cant jell your dick in a girls ass!

[husaberg]

September 11th 2001 was a very sad day for me. My dog died, I was fired from work and my Wife left me.

On a brighter note, there was some good stuff on the telly that day


Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

[Juniper]

Did we miss it? Here are a few thoughts to celebrate in case we did, and please feel free to add more!

What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
.................................................. ......
How do you get a retard out of a tree?
Wave at them
.................................................. ......
What do you call a dog with no legs?
doesn't matter he can't come
.................................................. ....
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went around killing gingers.
.................................................. ...
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs
.................................................. ...
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
Seizure Salad
.................................................. ..
A teacher was giving her class a talk about stuttering.
She said no other breathing thing on Earth stutters except humans.
The little girl on the front row said teacher that's not true my kitty stutters.
Trying to be polite & get the kids involved the teacher asked her how so.
Well, the girl began, my kitty and I were in the backyard one day when this big Rottweiler dog jumped the fence and charged at my kitty.
My kitty went ffft. ffft. ffft. and before it could say FUCK the Rottweiler ate him!

[husaberg]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man says, ‘All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk’?


The monks reply, ‘You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk’.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, ‘Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound’.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, ‘This is the key to the last door’.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[husaberg]

A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[husaberg]

Two bums are walking along the side of a road early one morning, complaining about their empty stomachs. The night before they
had spent every dime they had on whiskey, so naturally they had no money for breakfast. By and by they come upon a flattened possum lying dead on the roadside. The first bum says to the second, "I'll split it with ya."

The second politely refuses, so the first bum eats the entire thing by himself. An hour or so later, as they are walking, the first bum starts turning green. He gags for a few minutes and then spews the possum remains all over the road.

The second bum smiles and says, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd get a hot meal."

[husaberg]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[husaberg]

What's blue and fucks 12 year olds?

Me in my lucky blue suit.


5 muslims were klled in a car crash last night.
Police described their condition as 'satisfactory'.


Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."


A priest checks into his hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled".

"You get regular porn just like every one else you sick bastard" she replies.


A proud father gave his son twenty pounds and sent him off to the local brothel. On his way the boy passed by his grandmother's house and she called him in. He explained where he was going and she insisted that he save the twenty pounds and make love to her.

The boy returned home with a big smile. "How was it?" asked the father.

"Great, and I saved the twenty pounds," responded the boy.

"How's that?" his father asked.

"I did it with Grandma," the boy explained.

His father screamed, "You mean you f**ked my mother?"

"Hey, why not? You've been f**king mine!"

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.

Here's one to do on your mates.

You say you can only say 'Take It' or 'Leave It'
You: if you found a grand on the floor, what would you do?
Mate: Take It
You: if you found an old pair of trainers in a bin what would you do?
Mate: Leave it (i hope)
You: if you saw a ferrari with the keys in what would you do? (optional depending on who your mates are)
Mate: Take It
You: if you woke up tomorrow with a cock up your arse what would you do?

TAKE IT or LEAVE IT!

[Juniper]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got all of her clothes back.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Iran . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Juniper]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the

nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself
anyway,

would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you're a sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered,

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[Juniper]

What is the difference...

Between a good girl, a bad girl or an evil girl?

A good girl swallows

A bad girl spits

An evil girl gargles

[Juniper]

A Trucker Is Driving Down The Road , And Picks Up Two Hitch Hikers . . .

. . . as the three of them are driving on down the highway , one of the hitch hikers asks the other two people , "Do you mind if I fart ?" They tell him to go ahead. "Puh" goes the fart. A few miles further , the other other hitch hiker asks if he can fart , and receives permission to do so. "Puh" goes the fart. Yet a few more miles down the road , the truck driver exclaims that now , he too , needs to pass some gas. "Pppppppppppphhhtttt" comes his rather thunderous flugelhorn sounding call , and the two hitch hikers he's riding with in unison , both say , "Still a virgin , huh ?"

[Juniper]

2 guys walk into a bar and inquire with the bartender as to where they can get baptized. The bartender replies that he can do it right here. He takes them into the restroom and rubs their heads in the urinal. "There", he says, you are baptized. The two men leave the bar a little bewildered and start discussing what they were baptized as. the first one replies, "We're not Catholics, they sprinkle the water on you." the second replies "We're not Baptists, they dunk you." after thinking a while one of them says "I know what we are! We're pisscapalians!"