What's your sickest joke?

[Juniper]

What do you call the wife of a dead president who lays in the desert waiting to suck off Arabs?
Jackie Oasis.

What do you get when you cross a Japanese artist with a dead fat Broadway actor?
Yoko Coco.

What do you get when you put 1,000 monkeys in front of 1,000 typewriters?
The staff of the New York Post.

Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Because they are trying to breed bullet-proof Kennedys.

What do you call a Russian nerd?
A red square.

What do you call an Iranian who stops your car and takes your money?
Ayatollbooth Khomeini.

How do you know Davy Crockett was a racist?
He wore coon-skin caps.

How does the Ku Klux Klan go surfing with Negroes?
They hang ten.

What do you call blacks who read Lord of the Rings?
Tolkien Negroes.

Why did the white man bring blacks to America?
Because the Indians weren't good joke material.

What's the difference between a Jewish woman and an Italian woman?
Italian women have real orgasms and fake diamonds.

What do you call a group of racist Jews who toast bagels on people's front lawns?
The Klu Klux Kleins

[Juniper]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

[Juniper]

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about thesame size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit?
She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

[Juniper]

A little boy has diarrhea.
He tells his mom he needs Viagara. The mom is confused. So, she asks, "Son, why on Earth do you need Viagara". The boy replies, "Isn't that what daddy takes when his shit won't get hard?"

[husaberg]

99% of women have sex with their eyes shut,

Which makes it difficult to identify a rapist!

---

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

---

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage!

---

[Juniper]

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful
women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

[Juniper]

How To Be A Nigger


Lie about how big your dick is all the time, and about how many white women you fucked while their husbands were away at work. This way, you feel wanted by someone other than law enforcement.

It doesn't matter how shitty your car is, put the biggest diameter rims on you can find, and the most expensive stereo system. Ride around in white neighborhoods at night and play rap music as loud as you can. We love the rattling trunk, we really, really do.

When begging for money, act offended at white folks who only give you a dime or a "solid quattah" instead of a five dollar bill. This is a reasonable means to attack or mug them. When you get caught, state your reason as "dey wuz white." The media and the ACLU will come to your rescue, so don't sweat it.

Always whine about how the white man is keeping you down, and how you are owed slave reparations. Even though you've never been a slave and could never survive it because you're lazy.

[Juniper]

You've heard the VISA slogan, "it's everywhere you want to be." I guess that means there are a lot of women walking around with credit cards up their cunts.

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their tits.

[Juniper]

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."

So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."

[Juniper]

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star
hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his
wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that Kangaroo?"
The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting."
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and
husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg
having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and
says, "Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel
and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a
drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the
same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one leg,
ONE WOODEN LEG, masturbating on your steps. Well, what do you have
to say about that!?"
The manager says, "Struth mate, you expect a man with a wooden leg
to, catch his own kangaroo?"

[Juniper]

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site.

The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.

[Juniper]

"I was sacked today for fucking about." I told the bartender.

"How come?" He asked.

"I made a Lady Gaga suit out of the left overs." I sniggered.

"Idiot," he laughed, "So you worked in catering right?"

"Catering? Fuck no, I worked at the maternity ward."

[Juniper]

In Nigeria At least 15 people were trampled today at a job fair/interview...

When did they learn to run away from chains and collars???

[Swoop]

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

[Juniper]

My wife pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I want to be the man."

So I handed her a porn mag and made her sleep on the sofa.