What's your sickest joke?

[MSTRS:Me]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10.00 bills.
The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila...the whole thing, all at once, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her".
The man is stunned.
"I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idoit! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks.. "Where's zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy s creaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Maha]

Starts with a 'W'....and ends with an 'A'.....most will the middle bit......

[Jonny Rotten]

Q: Whats four foot high and dosn't like sex ?

A: The little girl in the back of my van

[Finn]

It's not sick but really funny. It's one of those knock, knock, who's there jokes.

But it starts with you (the reader) saying, "Knock, knock".

Go on, say it out loud then scroll down...


































Who's there?

You dumbass. I can't believe you fell for that.

[MSTRS:Me]

Always late for work? No problem. Bin Laden Airlines will fly you directly into your office.

[McJim]

Apologies - I originally posted this in un-pc jokes but neglected to make the characters black, gay or unemployed.

You want sick?

Mercenary soldier in a war zone needs to take a dump. The commanding officer says "You're not taking a dump in this trench buddy we may have to live here for days - go to those part ruined buildings over there - we'll give you covering fire" so the guy runs across no man's land and duck's through a doorway. "Get ready to give him more covering fire" says the C.O.
5 minutes pass - no sign, 10 minutes, 20, half an hour and still there's no sign of the dude. After 540 minutes the C.O. says okay, looks like he found a booby trap, stand down and scratch him off the wage bill. Just then they see him pop out of the building and start running towards them doing up his trousers. They lay down a covering fire and he made it back to cover. "What took you so long?" the C.O. asked
"Well Sarge, I met this nurse, beautiful legs, great tits, lovely arse and we were just shagging. I was on top, then she was on top then I took her from behind..."
"Did she give you a blowjob?" asked one of the junior troops
"Nah mate, I couldn't find her head."

[Finn]

What's the definition of Relative Humidity?

It's the sweat running down your grandmothers back as you... Even I can't finish this.

[bungbung]

What's the best thing about twentyfour year olds?

There's twenty of them

[Damon]

What's the definition of Relative Humidity?

It's the sweat running down your grandmothers back as you... Even I can't finish this.

You get my vote, thats the sickest thing i've heard in a long time, it gets worse when your grandmother is dead

[Finn]

You get my vote, thats the sickest thing i've heard in a long time, it gets worse when your grandmother is dead

Yeah, my grandmother died years ago from serious burns. Yip, they don't fuck around at the crematorium.

This was after she moved in with us when I was a teenager. My brother and I took her deep into the bush and released her to the wild. She didn't last long.

[Steam]

Holy crap, this thread is so bad/good I have to post so it will float to the top like a turd, and more people will read it!!

[ynot slow]

bob had come home pissed, spilt a couple of viagra tablets in hurry to root the misses,next minute out pops mickey mouse eats the tablet,after couple of secs gets a huge rarge on says to his mate where's the fucken pussy now

[Deano]

I just told these to my work mates....

not one laugh

There has to be a line surely...........and some of these posts have crossed it....how far do you go before it's not funny.....?

[Spuds1234]

There has to be a line surely...........and some of these posts have crossed it....how far do you go before it's not funny.....?

This far:

Dude gets a pay rise and a bonus, and gets carted off to LA for a few nights to do some consulting work.

One night, he thinks to himself, "Fuck it. I'm not getting any at home and with all this extra money, I'm going to get myself the most expensive hooker I can find."

He finds a nice expensive hooker and they go back to his hotel room and they start having sex.

Mid thrust, he stops and say to the hooker "Its like sand paper down there, you've got 5 minutes to fix it, or you can leave and I wont pay you anything."

She goes off to the bathroom and comes out 5 minutes later and they start going at it. Its the best sex he has ever had.

Afterwards when they are laying there in what you might call the after glow, he leans over and asks "What did you do to make it so much better?"

She says "Oh I picked the scabs and let the pus run a little."

[0arbreaka]

There was a young girl who lived in Hamilton. She was about to turn fiftenn, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much teasing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."