What's your sickest joke?

[gjm]

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

That's the last time I eat one of my grandmas cakes...

[caspernz]

The international community is getting behind the search for the Nigerian schoolgirls.

The English are sending SAS, the Americans are sending Marines, and Aussie are contributing too...so they're sending Rolf Harris

[husaberg]

Is there no end to Rolf Harris’s musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he’s also an expert fiddler

I don't know why everyone's having a go at Rolf Harris, he's a lovely bloke, he taught me the proper to blow on a digirydo.
Although I don't know why we were in a dark closet, And they're smaller than they look.


What's the difference between Gary Glitter and a popular Australian entertainer who has been charged with child sex offences but who has yet to be found guilty of anything?

I haven't sucked Gary Glitter's cock.

[husaberg]

My wife says I know how to push all her buttons. But I have yet to find the 'Mute' button.


I always pay my alimony on time, because if I ever fall behind, I'm afraid she might repossess me.



I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

[granstar]

[husaberg]

When embarking on a polar expedition, choose your companions carefully – you may have to eat them.

Are subliminal { send me money } messages effective?

My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other.

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat then she's probably slightly upset.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She's got malaria.

A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for our the local pool. I gave him a glass of water.

My girlfriend says that I've got the body of a bloke half my age. Which would be a nice compliment if I wasn't 22.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I was given the sack at work today. Well that's what happens when your a postman.

A man walks into a bar – ouch – it was an iron bar.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? I Dunnop. I dunnop who? Phew, I thought there was a smell!

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller.

My teacher said I was average, I told him that's just mean.

[husaberg]

...............................

[husaberg]

A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes
his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks,
"Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his
face, then he spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about
10 minutes later and asks again, "Can I help you now?"
The man replies by spitting and saying, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to
the guy, grabs him by his collar and says, "What seems to be the problem
here?" The man spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
The manager tells him, "look this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if
you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't
have to throw you out."
The man looks up at the manager and says, "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler
and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid driving, we were coming
down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of
us-so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your
dick!--*SPIT*--AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!"

[husaberg]

When I asked her to the prom...She just looked at me, giggled and
smiled. When I asked her to dance...She just looked at me, giggled
and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me...She just looked at
me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me...She just looked
at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me...She
just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in
marriage...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her
to bear my children...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

That's when I realized she was a Retard.

[husaberg]

A young girl sat on Santa's knee. He said, "What would you like for
Christmas, little girl?"

"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.

"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa....

[husaberg]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out
on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."

[husaberg]

Q: What did the necrophiliac pedophile say when he couldn't come in to work?
A: I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little stiff.

[Big Dog]

If iRobot, the manufacturers of the Roomba automated home vacuum system, made a nano version for performing abortions would it be called a Woomba?


Stupid phone / Tapatalk, apologies in advance.

[husaberg]

A priest walking through a park notices little Johnny, who is pouring fluid on an
assortment of small rodents, then striking a match and watching them burn.
"What are you pouring on those mice, my son?" The priest asks little Johnny
"It's a mixture of acid and petrol." Little Johnny says with a smile.
"I think you would be better using a few drops of holy water, then let them
run away." The priest says, hoping to stop little Johnny's morbid hobby.
"Oh yea what does it do?" Little Johnny says looking the priest in the eyes.
"Well, I placed a couple of drops on a lady with a large tummy and she
passed a baby. The priest replies with all sincerity.
"Big fuckin' deal," say's little Johnny with a sneer, "I put 2 drops of my
stuff on a rats arse and it passed a fucking Motor Bike."




God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there
5,000 years ago and froze my arse off". A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and
they're still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"




A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."



A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years
of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into
a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home,
tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to
go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him after she prepares him a drink.
She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath,
looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to
your fuckin' underwear."

[husaberg]

One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some
dental work.
The tooth fairy says to the other one sitting in the chair: "You know, you
have the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that
happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and
started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused
and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two
cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I
realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by,
and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.


A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he
ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple
of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen buddy! You don't
seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate."
"Oh, go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."